Etext by Dagny
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C 1986
Characters:
Chuck
Barbara
Scene: Chuck and Barbara's bedroom. A window at back and a door.
The room looks lived in and comfortable. It may be furnished elegantly
or sparsely as no particular social class is indicated. Chuck and
Barbara are of no particular age, young or middle-aged. They are,
however, childless.
Chuck As usual. Every time. Nice weather in the morning—then
around noon it clouds up. It's going to rain for sure. All this because
I want to go to the game. (looking out the window, somewhat disgusted)
Barbara
I didn't know you intended to go to the game this afternoon.
Chuck
I told you this morning.
Barbara (putting on a housecoat)
You're going to lose your money.
Chuck
You know I don't gamble.
Barbara
Don't leave me all alone. Take me along.
Chuck
No, no, it's not the same with you along. It costs too much.
Barbara
I won't eat anything—promise.
Chuck
Besides, it's bad weather. Anyway, when I go with you, I don't have
any fun.
Barbara
You're real polite.
Chuck
You know I only have a good time when I go alone. When you're with
me I can't wander around and stuff. I have to look after you. When I'm
alone I can relax. Besides, if you come along I'll have to dress up.
That's no fun.
Barbara
But I like the game, too.
Chuck
If you want to go out with me, that's okay, but let's do something
else. I don't want to go to the game.
Barbara
Well, I don't want to go for a walk with you!
Chuck
Now who's being polite?
Barbara
You never stop making remarks if we go for a walk.
Chuck
Because you won't give me your arm.
Barbara
That looks stupid.
Chuck
Woman's libber.
Barbara (frostily)
It's got nothing to do with Women's Liberation.
Chuck
That's what you say.
Barbara (icily)
What's wrong with Women's Liberation, Male Chauvinist Pig?
Chuck
Nothing, except that for some reason you won't take my arm.
Barbara
It just looks stupid. Why do you have to make comments because I
won't take your arm? Lots of people don't walk around like that. I've
always been that way. Really.
Chuck
If you'd walk like other people.
Barbara
Now it's the way I walk.
Chuck
You always walk so fast. You act like you're trying to catch a bus!
Barbara
So I grew up in New York.
Chuck
I like to enjoy a walk. I don't want to have to run to keep up with
you.
Barbara
I'll walk slow. I'll walk like an elephant. Slow and stately.
Chuck
Are you suggesting that I walk like an elephant?
Barbara
Don't be so touchy. Can we go for a walk?
Chuck
No. You say childish things when you walk.
Barbara
Then, why do you let me go out alone?
Chuck
Why?
Barbara
Yes. Why?
Chuck
Because—
Barbara
Because you don't care!
Chuck
What do you mean I don't care?
Barbara
You don't give a damn what silly things I say so long as you aren't
around to hear them.
Chuck
Look, sweetie, whenever we go out we always have a fight.
Barbara
So what! We fight here, too.
Chuck
I don't like to fight with you. And I particularly don't like
fighting with you in front of strangers.
Barbara
What difference does it make? They don't know us. We're just a man
and a woman fighting.
Chuck
I just don't like it.
Barbara
You're all up tight. You've got to learn to express your emotions.
You're so bourgeois.
Chuck
Bourgeois! Me! Bourgeois. I am so un-Bourgeois that—that—well,
it's ridiculous, that's all.
Barbara
I didn't mean it. Let's go.
Chuck
Look, you don't really enjoy going out with me—it doesn't excite
you.
Barbara
Oh, no. It really doesn't excite me. But, if you were nice, and
didn't make a lot of sarcastic remarks, I'd prefer to go out with you
to just about anybody.
Chuck
Awww!
(Barbara comes over and kisses him.)
Barbara
That excites me.
Chuck
Now that you mention it—
(Suddenly they are clawing madly at each other. They fall onto the
couch in a wild embrace.)
Chuck
MMMMM!
Barbara
Ahhhh!
Chuck
Do that again.
Barbara
Ohhhh!
Chuck
I love you, I love you.
Barbara
Don't stop. Don't stop.
Chuck
Wonderful.
Barbara
Super.
Barbara, Chuck
Ahhhh! Aieeee!
(Silence.)
Chuck (after a long pause)
What time is it?
Barbara
I don't know. I think we stopped the clock. At least two o'clock.
Chuck (coming out from the couch, straightening up)
I'll go across the hall.
Barbara
They never can keep their time right. It's either slow or fast.
Chuck
Never mind. I'm going to try to make the game anyway. If I'm late,
so what. I'll catch the bus.
Barbara
Then you're really going to leave me all alone?
Chuck (sitting down beside her)
Look honey—why make a fuss if I go out and have a good time. If I
stay with you, you'll be bored to death.
Barbara
Charming. It's perfectly natural that I should be bored while the
gentleman is having a good time.
Chuck
Look, it's no weather for a walk.
Barbara
It's no weather to go to the game.
Chuck
Yeah, it is. At the game, nobody gives a damn about the weather.
Sure, it's more fun if it doesn't rain. Shit, I'm not going to have
much fun today.
Barbara
Why can't I come?
Chuck
I already told you. And besides, if it rains, you'll ruin your
dress.
Barbara
I'll wear a rain coat.
Chuck
And then you won't have any fun. It's a waste of money.
Barbara
Maybe we could go to a movie.
Chuck
That's a good idea. You're a practical girl. When I get back from
the game we can go to the movies. I'm going. You want me to, don't you?
Barbara
Do whatever you like.
Chuck
Tell me what you want.
Barbara
You're perfectly free. This is an open relationship.
Chuck
I don't want to go if you're going to be angry.
Barbara
You expect me to jump for joy because you go out and have fun and
leave me all alone like a little puppy dog.
Chuck
Why don't you go out?
Barbara
Where do you expect me to go?
Chuck
I don't know—take a walk—go to the Holiday Spa. I hesitate to say
it—but you could go shopping.
Barbara
I'm not in the mood.
Chuck
I just did what I could to put you in a good mood.
Barbara
Do you mean what I think you mean?
Chuck
Yes.
Barbara
You motherfucker! You think just because you screw me that I'm
supposed to feel joy all day and enjoy being left alone. Oh—I hate
men.
Chuck
Uh-oh. You're pissed.
Barbara
Not in the least. I just don't like your attitude. Not that it
differs from that of most men.
Chuck
What the hell, Barbara?
Barbara
You think all you have to do is screw me and that takes care of all
my needs.
Chuck
I didn't mean that.
Barbara
You said—
Chuck
I know it's useless to try to explain—
Barbara
Try, if you like—
Chuck
This probably won't come out right, but here goes. When I make love
to you, I think I'm demonstrating my love and affection in—in an
unmistakable way.
Barbara
Oh, it's unmistakable.
Chuck
You just don't want to understand. You know that I'm not going off
to run around with someone else and that I love you with all of my
heart. (pause) You want me to tell you something? You are a bitch—a
real little bitch.
Barbara
Why?
Chuck
Because you pull a long face just to prevent me from having some
harmless fun. It's stupid of me to let a nasty piece like you get under
my skin! If I feel like going out, I'm going out. Damn the selfishness
of women. Bye—give me a hug, at least.
Barbara
No!
Chuck
Why? Now she won't even give me a hug!
Barbara
Why should I hug a man who calls me a little bitch?
Chuck
That's it, that's it! You are trying to prevent me from going to
the game. Well, be satisfied. I'm not going.
Barbara
Shit!
Chuck (sitting down beside her)
Look, honey. Let me make you a proposition. You know how much I
love you. I'm going to stay here for another quarter of an hour with
you.
Barbara (dryly)
You'll be late for the game.
Chuck
Never mind.
Barbara (savagely)
If you're going to go, get out!
Chuck
Oh, if that's the way you feel, I'm going. Bye— (hesitates) Give
me a kiss.
Barbara
You haven't said you were sorry for calling me a bitch.
Chuck
Of course I'm sorry.
Barbara (giving him a quick peck)
There.
Chuck
Like you mean it!
Barbara (going into the other room without kissing him)
You piss me off!
(Chuck hesitates, starts to go, then sits down. A long pause.)
Barbara (returning)
What? You didn't go? You're perfectly free to leave. I'm going out.
Chuck
Where are you going?
Barbara
To see Mona.
Chuck
Good. Perfect. I'm going. Bye.
Barbara
Bye, honey. Have a good time.
Chuck (stopping)
What did you say?
Barbara (puzzled)
I told you to have a good time.
Chuck
You're willing to let me go to the game?
Barbara
Sure, why not? Enjoy yourself.
Chuck
It's unnatural for you to be so willing for me to go. I'm staying
home.
Barbara (sensing he is jealous and suspicious)
My poor darling, you are completely crazy.
Chuck
Sure, I'm an imbecile. I don't believe you're going to see Mona.
You don't even like her.
Barbara
I don't like most of my friends. So what?
Chuck
You're up to something.
Barbara
You're crazy. I am not going to answer you.
Chuck
Better and better. The game is almost started. So, I'll miss it. I
don't want to go to the game under these conditions. I prefer to remain
right here with you.
Barbara
This is frightful.
Chuck
Yes, I know. I upset your plans. You've got everything worked out
with Mona.
Barbara
What are you talking about?
Chuck
I know what Mona is. She gobbles up men. And you are planning to
have a little munch, too.
Barbara
You are a fantastic person. You're jealous.
Chuck
Me, jealous? Not a bit of it.
Barbara
Then, why are you acting like this?
Chuck
I just don't like being made a fool of.
Barbara
You stupid bastard, if I want to make a fool of you, you think you
can stop me? Be careful or I'll stay out all night.
Chuck
I am going to wait right here. Very calmly.
Barbara
Listen, go to the game. You're getting on my nerves. I don't want
to spend the rest of the afternoon with someone as insupportable as you
are.
Chuck
Good. I am staying right here. I won't budge.
Barbara
What are you afraid of?
Chuck
You aren't going to see Mona?
Barbara
You can come with me if you like.
Chuck
I can? All right, we'll go together.
Barbara
The only way I can get you to go out with me is to make you
jealous.
Chuck
You're really willing to let me go with you?
Barbara
Yes, if it will make you happy.
Chuck
All right, then. I'm going to the game. I'm being silly. My
apologies. Love you—bye. (kissing her) But, you know, you know what
you ought to do to be real sweet?
Barbara
What?
Chuck
Stay home. Don't go see Mona. Like a nice kid.
Barbara
That's too much. Beautiful baby. Not satisfied to leave me at home
like an old shoe, you want to prevent me from going out. (crying) All
right. I'll stay home, you crazy bastard.
Chuck
My poor darling, my poor darling. Don't cry. I am going to stay
with you. I am going to stay with my little girl. Daddy loves his
little girl.
Barbara
You love me in your way.
Chuck
I love you so much I will sacrifice my afternoon. Willingly,
willingly. (pause) If I were in your shoes, I would tell you, I would
say, sweetheart, you've sufficiently proved your love.
(Barbara pulls away from him.)
Chuck
I would say, I don't want you to sacrifice your afternoon. Honey,
we're like little kids. Let's understand each other. Making distasteful
sacrifices doesn't make people happy. We are happy when we follow our
own inclinations.
Barbara
Wonder philosophy! But you won't do it for me when it's my turn to
have some fun. You know how much I like to dance. You always refuse to
go with me under the pretext that you don't like dancing. And you won't
let me go without you.
Chuck
Honey, it's not the same thing. I don't want you dancing with some
stranger and I don't like dancing with you. If we go dancing, I have to
dance with you. You don't have to go to the game with me.
Barbara
But I'm willing to go. Take me.
Chuck
It's raining.
Barbara (looking out the window)
It's stopped.
Chuck
It will start again.
Barbara
Go ahead, have some fun.
Chuck
Thanks. You don't mind?
Barbara
Not at all.
Chuck
You're not going to insist on going out? You're going to stay home
like a little puppy dog?
Barbara
Like a little puppy dog.
Chuck
You're an angel. Bye. I'm going to the game. (goes out)
Barbara
Well, now that he's finally gone, I'm going to have some fun and
watch Julia Child. How nice it is to have the place all to myself.
CURTAIN