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C 1987
Etext by Dagny
CHARACTERS:
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner, Mrs. Verulam's maid
Mrs. Van Adam
Mrs. Verulam's butler
Mr. Hyacinth Rodney
Bun Emperor (Mr. Lite)
Empress (Mrs. Lite)
Harrison, the Empress' butler
Mr. James Bush
Mr. Ingerstall
Duchess
Duke
Lady Pearl
Mr. Bliggins
Jacob Minnindick
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, Marriner! Oh, Marriner—how terribly hot it is.
Marriner
The heat is severe, ma'am, for this season of the year.
Mrs. Verulam
I am as pale as Pierrot.
Marriner
I beg pardon, ma'am?
Mrs. Verulam
Pierrot, Marriner, is the legendary emblem of—but it is too hot
for history. (spying roses) What is all that?
Marriner
From Mr. Hyacinth Rodney, ma'am. They are remarkably fine
specimens, ma'am. I often think——
Mrs. Verulam
Yes, Marriner, what do you think?
Marriner
That we are like flowers, ma'am. We fade and die so soon.
Mrs. Verulam
Dear me, Marriner, what original thoughts you have.
Marriner
I can't help them coming, ma'am. They seem to take me like a storm,
ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam (examining a tray of cards)
Oh, more cards. What curious names people are born with! Why will
so may people call?
Marriner
I think they wish to see you, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam (glumly)
That is the problem.
Marriner
I love problems, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam
Then solve this one. Why do people with immortal souls spend their
lives leaving tiny oblong cards on other people with immortal souls—
whom they scarcely know, and don't care a straw about? Why do they do
it, Marriner?
Marriner
Might I speak, ma'am?
Mrs. Verulam
I ask you to.
Marriner
I don't feel convinced their souls are immortal, ma'am. I have my
doubts, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam
You're certainly in fashion. But, what makes it all the more
strange— if we have only one life, why should we waste it in leaving
cards?
Marriner
Very true, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam (rising dramatically from her seat)
Marriner, we are fools! That is why we do it. That is why we do a
thousand things that bore us—and other people. Give me all those
notes.
(Marriner brings the notes.)
Mrs. Verulam (after opening several)
Oh, I can't open any more! Heavens! Are we human, Marriner? Are we
thinking, sentient beings, that we live this life of absurdity? Thus do
we deliberately complicate our existence—already so complicated,
whether we will or no. Ah, it is intolerable. The season is a disease.
London is a vast lunatic asylum.
Marriner
Oh, ma'am!
Mrs. Verulam
And we, who call ourselves civilized, are the incurable patients.
Give me something to read. Let me try to forget where I am and what I
am.
(Marriner brings a journal.)
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner, why do you give me this to read?
Marriner
I thought you had not seen it, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam
Leave me, Marriner.
(Marriner curtsies and exits.)
Mrs. Verulam (turning to her squirrel in its cage)
Tommy, listen to me. Do you know that you are like me? Do you know
that I, too, am in a cage—that I, too, am revolving in a prison, where
everything must go round and round? I am so tired of it, Tommy, so
tired of my cage—and yet, do you know, half the world is trying to get
into it? And cannot! Isn't that absurd?
(Reenter Marriner, followed by Mrs. Van Adam.)
Marriner
Mrs. Van Adam!
Mrs. Verulam
Dearest Chloe!
Mrs. Van Adam
Darling Daisy!
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner, say “not at home” this afternoon.
Marriner
Yes, ma'am. (exits)
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, Chloe— But, why is your hair cut so short?
Mrs. Van Adam
Oh, it is so hot in Florida that I wanted to have as little about
me as possible.
Mrs. Verulam
It makes you look just like a man!
Mrs. Van Adam
I'll grow it again.
Mrs. Verulam
Have you brought a maid?
Mrs. Van Adam
No.
Mrs. Verulam (indicating a seat beside her)
Come and sit down. It's so strange for us to be together again. How
many years is it?
Mrs. Van Adam
And now, you're a widow and the darling of London!
Mrs. Verulam
And you— By the way, how is Mr. Van Adam?
Mrs. Van Adam
I am told he is quite well.
Mrs. Verulam
You are told! You are told!
Mrs. Van Adam
Your house is delicious! Florida is lonely. It was cool of me to
cable you I was coming. But, you don't mind?
Mrs. Verulam
I am delighted. I've been wanting you to come for so long.
Mrs. Van Adam
And the season is just beginning?
Mrs. Verulam (sighing)
Yes. It's just beginning.
Mrs. Van Adam
It's perfect.
Mrs. Verulam
Chloe, when I was in Paris, I was a little fool.
Mrs. Van Adam
You think I'm still pretty, don't you?
Mrs. Verulam
Lovely, with that short hair.
Mrs. Van Adam
And immensely rich. Give me London to play with.
Mrs. Verulam
But, my dear—
Mrs. Van Adam
Yes. You can do it. You are the pet of society.
Mrs. Verulam
Nonsense.
Mrs. Van Adam
If you only knew how I long to get into it!
Mrs. Verulam
If you only knew how I long to get out of it!
Mrs. Van Adam (looking at the salver What a heap of invitations.
Mrs. Verulam (bored)
Today's.
Mrs. Van Adam
May I look at them?
Mrs. Verulam
If you like. They're stupid.
Mrs. Van Adam
Stupid! To have the honor to meet the Prince and Princess of—
(hugging her) Oh, you darling! Take me with you—oh, do take me with
you.
Mrs. Verulam
Where?
Mrs. Van Adam
To see the Prince and the Princess.
Mrs. Verulam
You will find it terribly dull.
Mrs. Van Adam
Dull? Never!
Mrs. Verulam
You don't understand things. You don't know what London society is
for a woman.
Mrs. Van Adam (rapturously)
Heaven!
Mrs. Verulam
Purgatory. We have to talk when we have nothing to say. We have to
be made love to—
Mrs. Van Adam (delighted)
Ahh—
Mrs. Verulam
Eat when we are not hungry. Stand like sheep in a pen for hours at
a stretch.
Mrs. Van Adam
Yes, but the other sheep!
Mrs. Verulam
All sheep baa in the same way.
Mrs. Van Adam
Mercy, darling! You a farmer!
Mrs. Verulam
No. It was James Bush who taught me all about—sheep.
Mrs. Van Adam
James Bush?
Mrs. Verulam
Yes.
Mrs. Van Adam
Is Mr. Bush in society?
Mrs. Verulam
He? Never!
Mrs. Van Adam
Oh, then, don't let's talk about him any more.
Mrs. Verulam
All right. But, you must know I have come to a great resolution.
Mrs. Van Adam
What is it?
Mrs. Verulam
That this season is my last. I intend to leave town by the first of
July.
Mrs. Van Adam
The first of July. Oh, by that time, I shall know everybody, and—
Mrs. Verulam
Be as weary as I am.
Mrs. Van Adam
Be able to manage for myself. Besides, darling, society won't let
you leave it.
Mrs. Verulam
That's the terror which pursues me night and day. I have made many
attempts. Once, I lost all my fortune—
Mrs. Van Adam
What?
Mrs. Verulam
Gave out that I had, you know.
Mrs. Van Adam
And, what happened?
Mrs. Verulam
It was dreadful. Everybody rallied round me. Have you ever been
rallied round?
Mrs. Van Adam
Never.
Mrs. Verulam
It's most fatiguing. It's worse than the Derby. I believe there's
only one way in which I could do it.
Mrs. Van Adam
What way is that?
Mrs. Verulam
Compromise myself seriously.
Mrs. Van Adam
How?
Mrs. Verulam
I could be divorced.
Mrs. Van Adam
Divorced! Would that help you much?
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, it would save me. I should be out of everything! Alas, I was
born respectable. And besides, my husband is dead, so I cannot divorce.
But, tell me about Mr. Van Adam. Why isn't he with you?
Mrs. Van Adam (evasively)
Well, you see—his oranges—
Mrs. Verulam
Oranges?
Mrs. Van Adam (hurriedly)
Yes, he grows them on a gigantic scale, and they can't be left.
Mrs. Verulam
Chloe, remember, we were in school together.
Mrs. Van Adam (brazening it out)
But, it is true. Oranges require a great deal of looking after.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, well, if you prefer to keep me I the dark, I won't say another
word.
Mrs. Van Adam (owning up)
You're right. It's not the oranges.
Mrs. Verulam
Of course not.
Mrs. Van Adam
Mr. Van Adam and I have parted.
Mrs. Verulam
Parted!
Mrs. Van Adam
We are separated.
Mrs. Verulam
Legally?
Mrs. Van Adam
Divorced, actually.
Mrs. Verulam
You divorced him already?
Mrs. Van Adam
How rapidly you jump to conclusions.
Mrs. Verulam
Jump! But—
Mrs. Van Adam
I did not say I divorced him. Now, did I? Did I? Oh, I do dislike
these implications.
Mrs. Verulam
I hope HE divorced you for something—American.
Mrs. Van Adam
Now, what do you mean?
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, disliking Thanksgiving, or clams, incompatibility I think you
call it.
Mrs. Van Adam
No, it was an English action I was divorced for.
Mrs. Verulam
Than, it was for something—bad?
Mrs. Van Adam (hotly)
No, not at all! He is one of those men with a temperament—if he
loves you—and he did love me.
Mrs. Verulam
A temperament! Now, please, don't abuse a man for being deformed.
I'm afraid you've done something dreadful.
Mrs. Van Adam
No, no. At first, we were fashionably unhappy together. I liked his
fury, but there was no variety in him at all. And, one does look for
variety in a man.
Mrs. Verulam
Or, in other men.
Mrs. Van Adam
When we were in New York, it was all right. I like a man angry in
public. It shows he's really fond of you.
Mrs. Verulam
You always were a bit perverse.
Mrs. Van Adam
But then, we went to Florida. And I meant him to be good-tempered,
for we were quite alone. But, he couldn't stop.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, dear.
Mrs. Van Adam
Then, B. B. Rockmetteller came to visit.
Mrs. Verulam
B. B. Rockmetteller?
Mrs. Van Adam
His dearest chum. He was to sympathize with my husband. That's why
he was invited. But, as soon as he arrived, my husband became furiously
jealous of him. And then, Huskinson, that's my husband, attacked B. B.
It was my duty to say B. B. was harmless.
Mrs. Verulam
Certainly.
Mrs. Van Adam
But my doing so brought him to the verge of madness. Huskinson went
away for a week.
Mrs. Verulam
Leaving B. B.?
Mrs. Van Adam
Yes. And then he came back, and said we had deceived him while he
was away.
Mrs. Verulam
How unreasonable! If he hadn't meant you to deceive him, he
shouldn't have gone.
Mrs. Van Adam
While B. B. was in the billiard room arguing with my husband, I was
locking up the revolvers and packing my trunks. So, I went off. Next
thing I knew, he was suing me for divorce.
Mrs. Verulam
Dreadful!
Mrs. Van Adam
Why dreadful? It was all done very quietly. Nobody will hear of it
over this way. Besides, I am innocent.
Mrs. Verulam
Then, why didn't you defend it?
Mrs. Van Adam
Because I was in the right!
Mrs. Verulam (agreeably)
Of course.
Mrs. Van Adam (picking up the paper and starting to read it)
Ah, this is your great paper! I want to see my name in it some day.
(reading, shocked) Yoiks—I do!
Mrs. Verulam
What is the matter? Are you ill?
Mrs. Van Adam (reading aloud)
“A considerable sensation has been caused in Florida, by the Van
Adam divorce—etc.—etc.—which caused him to condemn not only his
wife, but his trusted friend.”
Mrs. Verulam (grabbing the paper and reading)
Dearest, you can never get into the cage now.
Mrs. Van Adam (bursting into tears)
Is it quite impossible?
Mrs. Verulam
Quite. If you were a man, that paragraph would open doors for you.
Mrs. Van Adam
Oh, why am I not a man?
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner—my maid—she's marvelously well-informed about
everything. Marriner might know. I cannot tell.
Mrs. Van Adam
And, I used to be a man.
Mrs. Verulam
Chloe, dear, collect yourself. Don't deceive yourself for a moment.
You have always been what you are now—a woman.
Mrs. Van Adam (doggedly)
No, on. Everybody said so.
Mrs. Verulam
I think you had better lie down quietly.
Mrs. Van Adam
It was at a masquerade ball. I dressed in a tweed suit. I still
have it. It reminds me of happy days.
Mrs. Verulam
I'm afraid you love B. B.—I mean your husband.
Mrs. Van Adam
No, no.
Mrs. Verulam
You should have come over as a man, dear. Then London would have
been at your feet.
Mrs. Van Adam
Suppose I should? Are you at home this afternoon?
Mrs. Verulam
No, not to anyone.
Ms. Van Adam Good. Let me go upstairs and change. Then, I want to talk to you ever so much. Oh, that horrible, wicked paragraph.
(Mrs. Verulam rings a bell and Marriner enters.)
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner, this is Mrs. Van Adam. I want you to take great care of
her.
Marriner (to Mrs. Van Adam)
I trust the oranges are doing well, ma'am?
Mrs. Verulam
Marriner will show you to your room, dear.
(Exit Marriner with Mrs. Van Adam.)
Mrs. Verulam
Providence has at last heard my cry.
(Enter butler.)
Butler
Mr. Hyacinth Rodney.
Mrs. Verulam (a little puzzled, since she gave orders she was
not at home)
But—
(Enter Mr. Rodney.)
Mrs. Verulam
Thank you for your roses, a thousand times.
Rodney
I did not come to be thanked for giving anyone pleasure. I come to
bring glad tidings.
Mrs. Verulam
I shall think of you as a herald angel.
Rodney
Flying ever to my heaven.
Mrs. Verulam (a little uneasy)
But, your tidings?
Rodney
My mission has been successful. The house is yours.
Mrs. Verulam
What house?
Rodney (astonished)
Surely, you have not forgotten that you commissioned me to get you
Ribton Marches for the race week?
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, now I remember.
Rodney (pained)
Only now? I opened delicate negotiations weeks ago. One false step
would have been instant destruction.
Mrs. Verulam (touched)
My dear Mr. Rodney—
Rodney
Instant destruction! Owing to the temper of the owner, Mr. Lite,
the Bun Emperor.
Mrs. Verulam (nonplussed)
The Bun Emperor!
Rodney
So he is known to all the children in the British Isles to whom he
caters, as the saying goes.
Mrs. Verulam (not having realized she was dealing with such
an exalted personage)
Dear me.
Rodney
Mr. Lite is a man of very peculiar proclivities. I made a minute
study of them in order to carry out your instructions.
Mrs. Verulam
It is most good and industrious of you. (aside) Whatever shall I do
with this house?
Rodney
Oh, I shrink from nothing in such a cause. He's a man of violent
temper—devoted to home life and extremely suspicious of strangers.
Mrs. Verulam
What a terrible combination of idiosyncrasies.
Rodney
Precisely. There were moments when despair seized me, and I could
have cried aloud like an Eastern Pilgrim “Allah has turned his face
from me.”
Mrs. Verulam
I am quite ashamed to have given you so much trouble. But, how did
you succeed?
Rodney (rising)
Well, I found there was only one string I could play on—his love
of titles. I—I ventured to make a promise on your behalf.
Mrs. Verulam
Indeed!
(Mrs. Verulam walks about in agitation.)
Rodney (guiltily)
I said that you would use your influence with Lady Sophia.
Mrs. Verulam
Mamma!
Rodney
With regard to the buns. Did I go too far?
Mrs. Verulam
And, what is poor Mamma to do? I cannot ask her to eat a bun,
Rodney, I really can't do that!
Rodney
Such a shocking notion would never have occurred to me. No, no,
Lady Sophia must only say a word in praise of his buns. (pulls out
paper) It reads thus: “I beg to say your buns look very inviting, they
should be nourishing. Your influence on the digestion of English
children, I feel almost certain, will commend itself to historians of
the national diet.—Lady Sophia Tree.” I think Mr. Disraeli could
scarcely improve upon that.
Mrs. Verulam
Mamma has only to sign that?
Rodney
Merely to sign, I assure you.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, then she will do it. She likes to see herself in print. And,
you did this for me?
Rodney (clearing his throat twice and twitching respectfully as if he were about to receive a Knight of the Garter from the Queen) Yes, ma'am.
(Enter butler.)
Butler: Her Grace the Duchess of Southborough—and her daughter.
(Enter the Duchess.)
Duchess
So glad to find you at home. We quite thought you would have been
out on such a lovely day. (butler whispers in her ear) What do you
say— what? Not enough! An extra sixpence? Certainly not! Tell him to
go. (exit butler) (resuming, to Mrs. Verulam) But, I know you are quite
independent of weather. In that respect, you are quite like
Southborough—he always says— (butler reenters and resumes whispering
to her) What? What do you say? He won't go? No, I shan't. Tell him so.
Not another penny. We only took him from Whitely's. It isn't more than
two miles. (more whispering) No, no! Certainly not!
Rodney
Can I be of any service?
Duchess
Oh, thank you, Mr. Rodney. It is only an extortionate cab man. Send
him away.
Rodney (going out with butler)
Certainly.
Duchess
Southborough always defies the weather. He is heroic in that
regard. He is like—
Rodney (returning)
It is quite right. Lord Birchington is gone.
Duchess
Birchington? You don't mean to tell me the fellow was my brother?
Rodney
Er, yes.
Duchess
Oh, I fancied I knew his face. That quite accounts for the attempt
at extortion. Birchington is always in difficulty and I dare say cab
driving doesn't pay too well. I hope, I hope, Mr. Rodney, you didn't
give in to his demands?
Rodney
Well, really—he seemed so convinced. Just a sixpence, you know.
Duchess
That is the way to become poor, Mr. Rodney. You ought to take more
care of your money, and not let my worthless brother prey on you.
Butler (entering)
Mr. Van Adam.
(Enter Mrs. Van Adam, dressed in a tweed suit.)
Mrs. Van Adam (aside to Mrs. Verulam)
Introduce me as my husband.
Mrs. Verulam
The Duchess of Southborough—Mr. Van Adam.
Rodney
I had no idea, no notion at all, that you knew Mr. Van Adam.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, yes.
Rodney
Besides, I fully understood he was in Florida.
Mrs. Verulam
That makes that paragraph in the “World” all wrong.
Rodney
I wrote it.
Mrs. Verulam (frightened)
You!
Van Adam
An invitation lured me from my orange groves.
Duchess
Oh, then you are staying with Mrs. Verulam?
Van Adam
Yes.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, yes. (feebly) Oh, yes, yes.
Duchess (in a hard voice)
Might I ask for a coup of tea, Mrs. Verulam?
Mrs. Verulam (uneasily)
Certainly. (pouring tea carefully, but putting in fifteen lumps of
sugar) You don't take tea with sugar I think?
Duchess (speaking to Mr. Van Adam)
Gouty? Ah, you and Pearl would sympathize. Let me introduce you to
my daughter. Mr. Van Adam—Lady Pearl McAndrew.
Van Adam (bowing)
Charmed.
Pearl
I am not gouty, mother, I am only melancholy. And that is because I
cannot, I will not blind myself to the actual condition of the world
around me.
Duchess
Oh, my dear, Carlsbad would cure you. (to Mr. Van Adam) But,
unfortunately, I cannot afford to send her there just at present.
Rodney
I believe that in the climate of Florida gout is practically
unknown. My friend Lord Bernard Roche, Lord Bernard Roche, now in New
York City, tells me so.
Van Adam
Oh, yes. Lord Bernard, oh yes, certainly.
Rodney
Lord Bernard is a man to go confidently into any trouble.
Van Adam
Oh, certainly. Most undoubtedly, yes.
Duchess
But, in London, you must forget all your troubles. London is the
most cheerful place imaginable.
Pearl (distraught)
Oh, mother!
Duchess
Yes, Pearl, for a healthy person. No doubt you are staying for the
season.
Van Adam (after looking at Mrs. Verulam)
Yes.
Duchess
Well, then, you will soon be quite cheerful again. I'd warrant you
have been over before, I suppose.
Van Adam
Paris, not London.
Pearl
London is horrible. The Bois de Boulogne makes me sick.
(Enter butler)
Butler
Mr. Ingerstall.
Ingerstall (entering on Pearl's last line)
Paris is the only place in the world.
Pearl
Really!
Ingerstall (getting tea from Mrs. Verulam)
Really. There is no art except in Paris. No possibility of dining
out of Paris. No good dressmaker beyond the limits of Paris. No perfect
language except the perfect language of Paris. No gaiety, no verve, no
acting, no dancing, no love-making worthy of the name, except in Paris.
Duchess
Then, Mr. Ingerstall, why on earth do you always live in London?
Ingerstall
Because I find more caricatures here. (to Mrs. Verulam) Please
introduce me to that gentleman.
Mrs. Verulam
Mr. Ingerstall—Mrs. . . . Mr. Van Adam.
(They bow to each other.)
Ingerstall
You know Paris?
Van Adam
Yes, quite well.
Ingerstall
You agree with me, then?
Van Adam
Certainly.
Ingerstall
There, your Grace, you see: there are others of my opinion.
Duchess
Ah, but Mr. Van Adam doesn't know London yet.
Rodney
Oh, he must.
Ingerstall
Then, I'll show it to him! Oh, I'll show it to him. Oh, I'll show
Mr. Adams London!
Rodney
Van Adam.
(Ingerstall looks puzzled at first.)
Ingerstall
Mr. Van Adam, London. Will you come with me?
Van Adam
Thank you very much.
Ingerstall
That's settled then! And then, we'll see, Duchess, whether this
gentleman doesn't swear by blessed Paris to the end of his life.
Duchess
Really, Mr. Ingerstall, you ought to go to the morgue instead of
heaven when you die! (turning to Mrs. Verulam) What are your plans for
the season, Mrs. Verulam? Are you going to Ascot?
Mrs. Verulam
I haven't thought much about it yet.
Rodney (sternly)
Mrs. Verulam has secured through me—
Ingerstall
You really ought to run across the Channel to Longchamps for the
races—
Duchess (ignoring Ingerstall and addressing Rodney)
Indeed! Which house do you mean?
Rodney
Ribton Marches.
Duchess
The Bun Emperor's palace! Mrs. Verulam, you are a public
benefactor. Is Mr. Van Adam to be of your party?
Mrs. Verulam (helplessly)
Yes.
Duchess
Ribton Marches is a palace. It would hold a regiment.
Rodney
Oh, I scarcely thing Mr. Lite would care to entertain a—
Duchess
I know Mr. Lite very well—a most worthy generous man. He has given
me thousands of buns.
Ingerstall (maliciously)
Does your Grace eat so many? If you want a really perfect bun, go
to the maison—
Duchess (sharply)
For the poor children. All we have had to do is let the good man
use our name in his advertising. Have you made up your house party yet?
Mrs. Verulam
Not yet. The house is—
Duchess
Palace.
Mrs. Verulam
—scarcely settled yet.
Rodney
I'll settle it tonight!
Duchess
If your party is not made up, Mrs. Verulam, I am sure the Duke and
I and Lady Pearl will be most happy to join it.
Pearl
Indeed, mother, I do not wish—
Duchess
My dear, nonsense; it will do your gout a deal of good, breathing
pine laden air—if Mrs. Verulam can find room for you.
Mrs. Verulam
I shall be delighted.
Duchess
Then that is settled. (rising) It will be an advantage to you to
have me at Ribton Marches, because I know all the ins and outs of the
place. Well, really, we must be getting on. Come, Pearl.
Pearl (rising and winking at Mr. Van Adam)
Come and see us.
Mr. Van Adam Many thanks.
Pearl
Come tomorrow. Mrs. Verulam will give you our address.
Van Adam
With pleasure.
Pearl
Goodbye, Mr. Ingerstall. Perhaps you won't mind just coming out
with us to hail a cab?
(Ingerstall rises. Exit Pearl and the Duchess.)
Ingerstall (to Mrs. Van Adam)
I'll come tomorrow morning to show you London. (exiting)
Mrs. Verulam (hoping to get rid of Mr. Rodney)
You mustn't forget your engagement, Mr. Rodney.
Rodney
I am not likely to forget any detail of my service to you. But we
do not dine till half past eight.
Mrs. Verulam
The trains are slow on your line, I believe.
Rodney
Still, they do not take three hours to do six miles.
Mrs. Verulam (closing her eyes and whispering)
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want—
Rodney (craftily)
I have heard much of you, Mr. Van Adam.
Van Adam
Indeed?
Rodney
Yes, I have even had the pleasure of writing a little word about
you.
Van Adam
May I ask where?
Rodney (tapping the paper)
Here.
Van Adam
Indeed!
Mrs. Verulam
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures—
Rodney
May I have the pleasure of showing you. You will notice a slight
mistake at the close. It would not have crept in had I known that we
were to have the unexpected pleasure of welcoming you to London. I
shall be glad to rectify my error next week.
Van Adam
I am obliged to you.
Rodney
In the meanwhile, anything I can do to render your—short—stay
among us agreeable, I shall be only too happy—
Mrs. Verulam
My cup runneth over.
Rodney
Mitching Dean, my home, is entirely at your disposal. Mitching Dean
has an admirable rose garden.
Van Adam
Roses! Ah, English roses are exquisite. I have some dark red ones
in my room here.
Rodney
Dark red roses—in your room? (surveying the room, then turning to
Mrs. Verulam in horror) My train! I must catch it! I must go! I must
indeed! (low to Mrs. Verulam) Betrayer! Traitress! (aloud) My train!
Goodbye.
(Mr. Rodney exits hurriedly in some disorder. After a moment Mrs.
Van Adam bursts into tears and Mrs. Verulam into laughter. They are
both in hysterics.)
Mrs. Verulam
Chloe!
Mrs. Van Adam
Daisy!
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, oh, oh.
Mrs. Van Adam
Ah, ah, ah.
Mrs. Verulam
Don't, or I shall begin again. (pause) But, how could you?
Mrs. Van Adam
But, why did you say nobody would be let in?
Mrs. Verulam
I told Marriner. She must have forgotten to tell James.
Mrs. Van Adam
Oh, Daisy, I wonder if it would be possible—
Mrs. Verulam
No, no!
Mrs. Van Adam
Oh, yes, yes!
Mrs. Verulam
Poor Mr. Rodney. They were his roses I put in your room, Chloe.
Mrs. Van Adam
But Marriner—
Marriner (appearing suddenly)
Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Van Adam
Marriner will keep the secret.
Marriner
With my very best blood, ma'am! With my very best blood!
CURTAIN
Emperor
My dear! My dear!
Empress
What's the good of my dear this and my dear that! It's done and it
can't be undone.
Emperor
I can't go back on my word, Henrietta.
Empress
Then, why give it? All for a bit of publicity that won't sell half
a million buns.
Emperor
I think you underrate Lady Sophia Tree's influence. She will have
very great weight in infant circles.
Empress
Well, even if she sells a million, it ain't worth it!
Emperor
Is not, Henrietta, is not.
Empress
Bother! I said ain't.
Emperor (trying to placate her)
If I had not secured Lady Sophia's endorsement when I had the
opportunity, it would have haunted me the rest of my life. Go for the
names. That's always been my motto. Go for the names.
Empress
Yes, go for the names—and go out of our home!
Emperor
Don't my dear, don't.
Empress
To be turned out in the streets at this time of our lives! And
these Londoners— Oh, what will they do to the place? (sobbing) I can't
bear it.
Emperor
Do to the place? Let them try it. Mr. Harrison has his orders.
Empress
Orders to do what?
Emperor
Ah, let them try it. Let them only try and they will repent it,
Henrietta, to the last day of their lives.
Empress
What are you going to do?
Emperor
My duty!
Empress
What then? These 'ere Londoners ain't coming?
Emperor
Are not, my dear, are not. Yes, come they must. But Mr. Harrison
has orders to keep an eye on them—morning, noon, and night.
Empress
Night—what the ladies?
Emperor
Only till they retire, of course. If they damage the bedrooms, they
shall answer for it.
Empress
Ah, what a man you are!
Emperor
They shall find out what sort of a man I am if they try their
tricks here. If so much as a bit of wood is chipped off, or so much as
one parrot is missing, they'll repent it to their lives' end, they
will.
Empress
Having it out of them won't make it up to us for all we have to go
through.
Emperor (sighing)
It's only for six days.
Empress
It will seem six years. And the cottage. Why was it only made to
hold a fisherman?
Emperor
My dear, the house in Camberwell was small.
Empress
And so were we, then. But we're a bit bigger now.
Emperor
I do believe I've been a fool.
Empress
You've never spoken a truer word. All I say is don't let that Mr.
Rodney come near me. Do they bring their own linen?
Emperor
I'm afraid that we have to provide everything but the food.
Empress
Oh, Perry, Perry, that it should come to this!
Emperor
Still, Mrs. Verulam is—
Empress (interrupting)
A silly sounding name!
Emperor
She's the one who pays the rent.
Empress
Mr. Van Adam. I call that a low name. I never could abide Bible
names. Never trust a man with a Bible name.
Emperor
The Duchess of Southborough.
Empress
She's better.
Emperor
Yes, her Grace does know a good bun.
Empress
Mr. Hyacinth Rodney! Fiddle! Foul breath! Mr. Ingerstall. What do
you think of him?
Emperor
Sounds like one of those nasty fellows that go worming themselves
about in places where they've no business. He'd better not let Mr.
Harrison catch him worming himself about when he's here! Henrietta,
even if I have to turn them all out, neck and crop! Mr. James Bush.
Bush, James Bush. Well, Henrietta?
Empress
I don't know what to think of it. It's not a name to marry.
Emperor
Is it a name to have in our home? A name to have sleeping in our
beds?
Empress
Ah, is it?
Emperor
I have my doubts. Shall we ask Mr. Harrison, my dear? We can always
rely on him. He can judge of a name on first hearing.
Empress
We might do worse.
Emperor (calling loudly)
Harrison!
Harrison (the butler enters after a moment)
Yes, sir.
Emperor
Mr. Harrison, I believe you are a man of the world.
Harrison
I am, sir.
Emperor
You can judge of a name at first hearing, I presume?
Harrison
Sir?
Emperor
You can tell what you think about a name the first time you hear
it?
Harrison
Oh certainly, sir! Oh, most certainly!
Emperor
Very well then. Now, give me your attention, if you please. I have
here the name James Bush. James Bush.
Harrison
Indeed, sir, indeed.
Emperor
Well, Mr. Harrison? Well?
Harrison
Not at all, sir. Oh, dear no; not at all. By no means.
Emperor
And, what do you mean by that, Mr. Harrison?
Harrison
James Bush, sir, oh dear, no, sir! James bush, not at all, by no
means, on no account whatever!
Emperor
There, Henrietta! There! You see what Mr. Harrison thinks of him. A
feller like that! A feller like that! Mr. Harrison, we depend upon you
entirely in this affair! Keep your eye on him!
Harrison
Sir!
Emperor
I say, keep you eye especially on that feller James Bush.
Harrison
Certainly, sir.
Emperor
Don't let him be too much for you, Mr. Harrison. He may have ways,
there's no knowing. But, I hold you responsible.
Harrison
I shall see to him, sir. Depend upon me.
Emperor
We do, don't we, Henrietta?
Empress (sobbing)
Mercy knows, we do.
Harrison
I shall not disappoint you, madame. I shall know how to act.
Emperor
I believe that. And, I may add that, if you should cop— If you
should catch this feller James Bush at any of his games—you
understand.
Harrison
Certainly, sir.
Emperor
And, if you should be one too many for him, we shall not forget it.
You will have no reason to regret hereafter any steps you need to take.
You understand?
Harrison
Quite so, sir. I shall take them, sir. You may depend.
Emperor
Mr. Harrison.
Harrison
Sir.
Emperor
Remember, they are not to feed the parrots. On no account are they
to tamper with the parrots.
Harrison
Certainly not, sir.
Emperor
If you see any symptom to do anything of that kind, you are to
check it, Harrison.
Harrison
If I see any symptom—I am to check it.
Emperor
If a single parrot goes wrong, my wife will hold you responsible,
Mr. Harrison. You understand that? (Harrison bows in affirmation) The
pup we shall take with us, Mr. Harrison.
Harrison
The pup you will take—
Emperor
Don't echo me, Mr. Harrison, don't echo me. I will not allow myself
to be echoed.
Harrison
Certainly not, sir. Oh, by no means.
Emperor (seeing a long telescope)
Pack that telescope. With that I shall be able to command a
considerable portion of the grounds. If I see anything going on here of
which I disapprove, I shall summon you by telephone. You will hold
yourself in readiness.
Harrison
I shall, sir.
Emperor
Each morning, you will be round by eight o'clock with your report.
Harrison (pained)
By eight, sir?
Emperor
Well, seven if you prefer it. I shall be up. I shall be ready.
Harrison (eagerly)
Oh, eight will be fine, sir. I shall be round by eight.
Emperor
Be careful to omit nothing from that report. Make it ample. I shall
have damages out of these people if they dare exceed in any way—or
behave in an unseemly manner. You have your own idea of what is
unseemly, Mr. Harrison?
Harrison
Oh, decidedly so, sir.
Emperor
Then, I shall hold you responsible. Henrietta?
Empress
Darling.
Emperor
Are you ready?
Empress (dejected)
Oh, is it time?
Emperor
Mr. Harrison.
Harrison
Sir?
Emperor
Is it time? Have you the paper? (Harrison nods twice) Read it out.
Harrison
Arrivals, Monday, June 10th—at 12:30: Mrs. Verulam, Mr. Rodney,
Mr. Van Adam—with Mrs. Marriner, maid. At 3:15: Mr. James Bush.
Emperor
Enough, Mr. Harrison. I give you warning!
Harrison (stupefied) Give me warning, sir! Am I to go, sir?
(faints)
Emperor
Mr. Harrison! Get up! Get up from the floor, sir. Come, come, Mr.
Harrison. Rise. Be a man. A glass of water, my dear.
Empress (runs about and returns with water)
Here.
Emperor
There, there—you're spilling it. You mistook my meaning.
Harrison (weakly)
Sir?
Emperor
I meant that I give you warning that we will hold you responsible
for Mr. Bush.
Harrison (recovering)
Oh, certainly, sir! I beg pardon! Oh, by no—by all means.
Emperor
The time has come when we must leave you. We go with breaking
hearts.
Empress
We do, we do.
Emperor
Do your duty, but don't be put upon. Don't be a slave.
Harrison
Hear, hear!
Emperor
Mr. Harrison!
Harrison
Sir!
Emperor
Is the pony cart at the door?
Harrison
It is, sir! Oh, most decidedly.
Emperor
Goodbye.
(The Empress faints.)
Emperor
Mr. Harrison.
Harrison
Sir!
Emperor
Help me with the missus. Prepare for the Londoners.
(Lights dim, then go up. The Londoners begin to arrive. Enter Mrs.
Van Adam, dressed as a man, with Mr. Rodney, Mrs. Verulam, etc.)
Van Adam
Oh, what an enormous house. We shall be lost in it!
Rodney
I assure you, it is quite cozy.
(Harrison comes forward, observing them like a Bobby guarding
against the theft of the crown jewels.)
Harrison
I am Harrison.
Mrs. Verulam
What a very remarkable looking man. He seems anxious. Is he ill?
Rodney
Oh no, I think not. I fancy he superintends the servants.
Van Adam
He appears to me like a detective who hasn't mastered the first
principle of his profession.
Rodney (blandly)
And, may I ask what that is?
Van Adam
Not to look like one, old chap.
Parrot voices Hallelujah. Polly dreadful drunk. What's o'clock, Polly?
(Sound of corks popping.)
Rodney
Pray, don't be alarmed.
Mrs. Verulam
Is it the same man?
Rodney
No, no. They are only the Bun Emperor's talking parrots.
(Rodney, Mrs. Verulam, and Van Adam exit. After a moment a phone
bell rings.)
Harrison (going to the phone)
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. (pause) I was in the hall watching. (pause) Not
much to look at, sir. (pause) I didn't take particular notice. (pause)
Rely on me, sir. (pause) The parrots shall not be tampered with.
(pause) Mr. Bush, sir. (pause) I will indeed. (pause) He shall not,
sir. (pause) Oh, most decidedly, sir.
(Reenter Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam.)
Van Adam
Mr. Rodney's getting very officious, almost as bad as that horrid
little Mr. Ingerstall. He wants Harry to shave me!
Mrs. Verulam
Don't let him, Chloe. Don't be shaved!
Van Adam
My dear, is it likely? I told him I always did it myself.
Mrs. Verulam
I wonder Mr. Rodney hasn't more tact. I keep forgetting you're a
man. When shall I remember?
Van Adam
Perhaps when you get no more invitations.
Mrs. Verulam
The goal is in sight.
Van Adam
Well, you are the most extraordinary creature. Daisy, the Duchess
means mischief.
Mrs. Verulam
I know.
Van Adam
I'm surprised she came.
Mrs. Verulam
I'm not. She is a woman of courage and resource. In spite of all,
she has hopes for you and Lady Pearl. And besides, she hasn't got
another invitation for Ascot.
Van Adam
Lady Pearl is rather a shame. Still, I've cured her of the gout.
Mrs. Verulam
He'll be here soon. I'm so excited.
Van Adam
He! Oh, of course, Mr. Bush. Now, don't spoil everything by
flirting with James Bush instead of with me.
Mrs. Verulam
James Bush never flirts. He doesn't know the meaning of the word.
(spying Rodney) Oh, here you are, Mr. Rodney.
Rodney (suspiciously)
Yes, here I am.
(A loud noise off.)
Rodney
What's all this? What the devil is it all?
Mrs. Verulam
Dear me! Can this be Mr. Bush already?
Rodney
I fancy so.
(Enter Bush.)
Van Adam
By Jove, Bungay Marshes to the front.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, Mr. Bush, I am so glad to see you. Let me introduce you to Mr.
Rodney and Mr. Van Adam. The rest of the party comes later.
Bush (to Harrison, who is peering from behind a plant)
What are you after?
Harrison (emerging)
Oh, nothing, sir, not at all, by no means.
Mrs. Verulam
Really, Mr. Rodney. That man is becoming very unnecessary. Can't
you keep him in order?
Rodney
I will endeavor. I will certainly endeavor.
Mrs. Verulam (to Bush)
Would you like to go to your room, or will you rest a little first?
Bush (pointing to a chaise lounge)
I'll rest there. I'll have a lie down. A good lie down.
(Bush and Rodney go out.)
Mrs. Verulam (eagerly)
Well, dear, well?
Van Adam
Well—
Mrs. Verulam
Isn't he—simple—straightforward—natural?
Van Adam
Oh, quite, quite natural.
Mrs. Verulam
After all the shams and hypocrisies of society, what a contrast,
what a relief!
Van Adam
Yes.
Mrs. Verulam
I knew (kissing Van Adam) you would agree with me.
Van Adam
Daisy, don't!
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, heavens! Could anyone have seen?
Van Adam
No, it's all right. I believe Mr. Bush is the largest human being I
have ever seen.
(Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam exit. After a moment, enter Mr.
Ingerstall, the Duchess, the Duke, and Lady Pearl from another
direction.)
Ingerstall
I think the French way of doing things is by far the best. A
Frenchman marries not with the intent of resigning his freedom, but of
gaining it.
Duchess (icily)
The French point of view is scarcely a suitable subject of
discussion.
Duke
Gaining his freedom, ha, ha—!
(The Duke and Ingerstall wander out. Lady Pearl retires, leaving the
Duchess with Mr. Rodney.)
Duchess (icily)
She has been going too far, Mr. Rodney. She has disgusted London.
Rodney
Disgusted London? Oh, no, impossible!
Duchess
You think nothing could, but you are wrong. There is a limit, even
in our world, and she has overstepped it. You will see tomorrow in the
Enclosure. Martha Sage intends to cut her.
Rodney
Impossible.
Duchess
Nothing is impossible to Martha Sage. I assure you, it is fact.
Rodney (passionately)
It must be prevented. It must, it shall!
Duchess
I don't see how it can be. You don't know Martha Sage.
Rodney
But, indeed, I do. She has often dandled me in her arms.
Duchess (amazed)
What, recently?
Rodney (distractedly)
Yes, yes. Often.
Duchess
Possibly you may have some influence over her then. And, if what
you say is true, I hardly think Martha has the right to take the
initiative.
Rodney
When I was a little boy.
Duchess
Oh, that's nothing. She dandled everybody. But she doesn't allow
anybody to influence her decisions.
Rodney
Then, Mrs. Verulam must be kept out of the Enclosure. She must and
shall!
Duchess
That will only delay the matter. In fact, Mr. Rodney, and this I
tell you in the strictest confidence, if I don't observe a very great
change in Mrs. Verulam's behavior during this week, I am very much
afraid that I shall be obliged to agree with Martha. And now, it is tea
time.
(Exit the Duchess and Mr. Rodney. Enter Marriner and Mrs. Verulam
from a different direction.)
Marriner
Oh, ma'am!
Mrs. Verulam
Why do you say “Oh,” Marriner? What should you have to say “Oh"
about?
Marriner
Many things, ma'am, many things.
Mrs. Verulam
Have many more thoughts taken you like a storm?
Marriner
They have, indeed, ma'am.
Mrs. Verulam
If you think so much, you ought to keep a life boat about you.
Marriner
Might I speak, ma'am?
Mrs. Verulam
You may, certainly.
Marriner
Ma'am, I've heard a dreadful thing.
Mrs. Verulam
Dreadful! What about?
Marriner
About you.
Mrs. Verulam
Who from?
Marriner
From Mrs. Crouch, ma'am, her Grace's woman.
Mrs. Verulam
Indeed.
Marriner
Oh, ma'am, she says, ma'am, that Lady Sage is—
Mrs. Verulam
Don't break down, Marriner.
Marriner
She says that, oh, that Lady Sage is going to have nothing at all
to do with you in the Enclosure tomorrow, ma'am. Oh dear, dear me! Oh,
ma'am, don't go—don't go there. We should not place ourselves between
the feet of our enemies, ma'am; no, no, we should not.
Mrs. Verulam
Dear me—
Marriner
There is worse, ma'am. There is treachery, indeed, and there is
treason, ma'am—
Mrs. Verulam
Really, one would think that Guy Fawkes was staying in the house.
Marriner
No, ma'am. Indeed, it is not him.
Mrs. Verulam
Then, who is it?
Marriner
The Duchess.
Mrs. Verulam
Really?
Marriner
And it is all because of Mrs. Van Adam. Oh, do please tell them,
ma'am.
(Enter Rodney.)
Rodney
Could I have a word with you?
Mrs. Verulam
Certainly.
(Exit Marriner, weeping.)
Rodney
Where do you think of watching the races tomorrow, may I venture to
ask?
Mrs. Verulam
The Enclosure, of course.
Rodney
Shall we sit down for a minute? (they sit) The Enclosure! Don't you
think it likely to be excessively hot?
Mrs. Verulam
Why especially hot in the Enclosure?
Rodney
Well, you know, it is so much more crowded than any other part of
the course. Don't you think so?
Mrs. Verulam
Where else shall I go?
Rodney
I have ventured to take a couple of excellent boxes. You see one or
two of our party—Mr. Ingerstall and Mr. Bush have not got cards for
the Enclosure.
Mrs. Verulam
It is very good and thoughtful of you. Still, I think I shall go to
the Enclosure. Mr. Van Adam is anxious to see what it is like.
Rodney (stiffening)
Indeed.
Mrs. Verulam
And then, there are all my friends, especially Lady Sage and—
Rodney
Lady Sage grows a little wearisome, I fancy.
Mrs. Verulam
Do you think so? Oh, I love her recollections.
Rodney
I think her too historical for hot summer weather, I confess—and
then, her insatiable appetite for dates.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, surely she wouldn't eat dates in the Enclosure.
Rodney
The dates of battles, dear lady, not dried fruits. Really, if you
prefer to go to the Enclosure, I strongly, very strongly advise you to
avoid Lady Sage. She is agreeable in a drawing room, but very Crimean,
I do assure you, on a race-course. Do give me your word. I cannot bear
to see you bored!
Mrs. Verulam
You are all kindness. I must go to the Enclosure. But I shall
probably not see Lady Sage.
Rodney (aside)
Thank God!
(Reenter the Duke with Bush and several others.)
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, Mr. Bush.
Bush
You've got nice company here!
Mrs. Verulam
What?
Bush
Well, I'm blowed! You've got nice company.
Mrs. Verulam' I hope so, indeed.
Bush
Mad, I suppose. Mad as Moses!
Mrs. Verulam
Ah, Mr. Bush, you mustn't make joke of so serious a subject as
madness.
Bush
Joke! There's no joke! Where's the joke of being potted at like a
rook in January? Joke, indeed—joke!
Mrs. Verulam
A rook in January?
Bush
Ah, if I'd have stayed, he'd have had me. I wasn't eight paces off
him.
Duke
Unless the man's a remarkably poor shot, I must say, I think Mr.
Bush stood in some slight danger. Did you not stay then?
Bush
Stay? Not I! I just ducked down on all fours and came back like a
beast through the rhododendrons.
Duke (pleasantly)
A very sensible posture and mode of exit under the circumstances.
(to Mrs. Verulam) Who's your sportsman?
Mrs. Verulam
I have no idea. Oh, Mr. Bush, I can scarcely tell you how grieved I
am, how horrified I am, that you should have been so nearly murdered—
and so soon after your arrival, too.
Bush
I should think so! A nice thing to happen to a respectable man!
Mrs. Verulam (bitterly)
Mr. Rodney, you never told me there was a murderer living in this
neighborhood!
Rodney
I never knew it. (to Bush) Where did this incident occur?
Bush
I was walking in the garden looking at the mistakes the gardener
here's been making.
Rodney
Yes, yes?
Bush
Presently, I came to a bit of a pond, with flowers afloating on it.
Rodney
Ah—and a cottage on the farther side?
Bush
Ay, where he fires from.
Rodney
The Bun Emperor.
Duke
Very unsportsmanlike to shoot from cover. Game haven't got a
chance.
Bush
You're right there, chum, they haven't. Not unless they're as quick
at dropping on all fours as I am.
Rodney
But, did you do anything?
Bush
No. I saw a fattish, smallish feller and a fattish, smallish woman
by his side, staring out.
Rodney
The Empress, too. Well?
Bush
I didn't take any great account of them at first. I put my stick
across the water to lay hold of some of the lilies, when, what does the
fattish man do, but shout out: “If you do it, I'll skin you.” I didn't
choose to notice his nonsense, and I just got hold of a lily when what
do I see, but him with a gun at his shoulder about to fire away. So
away I came, like a beast through the bush.
Rodney
The Bun Emperor is very touchy about his property.
Duke
A defender of the rights of property. A good conservative.
Mrs. Verulam
Still, he goes too far. Mr. Rodney, I must ask you to be kind
enough to tell the Bun Emperor that I cannot have my house party shot
at. Make it perfectly clear, please. As a hostess, I cannot, and will
not, permit anything of that kind.
Rodney
Certainly, certainly. I see your point of view.
BLACKOUT
SCENE II. When the lights go up, Rodney is explaining the situation with the Bun Emperor to Mr. Bush and Mrs. Verulam.
Rodney (to Bush)
You are perfectly safe; you will not be hurt, I can promise you.
Nobody will attempt to injure you.
Mrs. Verulam
You have persuaded him then? I knew you would have weight with him.
Rodney
My dear lady, I am happy to say that you have been totally
misinformed as to the circumstances.
Bush (growling)
What? What?
Rodney (standing his ground)
Totally and absolutely misinformed.
Mrs. Verulam
Really, Mr. Rodney, what are you saying? Mr. Bush has been shot at.
Rodney (blandly)
I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon.
Bush
If I hadn't dropped, I shouldn't be here now.
Rodney
I assure you, my dear Mr. Bush, that you are laboring under an
entire delusion. You might, with perfect safety, have retained an
upright posture. It's true that Mr. Lite made use of some hasty,
inconsiderate words about skinning—
Bush (triumphantly)
There! (roaring) What did I say?
Rodney (aside)
Of which I entirely approve. (aloud) But, the words were rather
metaphysical. As to the firing, however, you are quite mistaken. What
you took for a gun was merely a large telescope. When you thought you
were being shot at, you were merely being looked at.
Bush (indignant, he knows what he knows)
Telescope, indeed! Telescope, I dare say.
Rodney (smugly)
There is an appreciable difference between the two operations. I
think you will allow that. So, you see, Mr. Lite can hardly be blamed
at all.
Mrs. Verulam
He should be more careful the way he looks at people!
Duke
Well, well, it's good it's all settled. It's going to be a long day
at Ascot tomorrow, and a top hat is not very comfortable in the heat.
Bush
Top hats are rubbish. I've only brought a straw.
Rodney (flabbergasted)
But—
Bush
I shan't wear naught but a straw tomorrow.
Duke
I hate to be overdressed.
Rodney
I beg your pardon. (trembling) I beg your pardon, but I must
venture to say that I feel certain Major Clement will turn a straw hat
off the lawn.
Mrs. Verulam
I quite agree with Mr. Bush, a straw hat is much more sensible.
Rodney (in anguish)
Merciful heavens—
Mrs. Verulam
But, sometimes custom must be adhered to. Don't you think so, Mr.
Bush?
Bush (surprised)
Eh?
Mrs. Verulam (reasonably)
Every man will be wearing a top hat tomorrow.
Bush
I've hoed and I've planted in a straw hat for thirty years.
Rodney (quickly)
There's no hoeing and planting on a race-course.
Duke
It would make the going a bit heavy.
Mrs. Verulam
I fancy, Mr. Bush, that as you will not have an opportunity of
hoeing tomorrow, you will find it really pleasanter to be as everyone
else is.
Bush
I haven't a-brought one. I say, I've only brought a straw.
Rodney
We must send a man to Windsor. (to Harrison who is passing by)
Kindly bring us a yard measure.
Harrison
Oh, sir, oh, on no account.
CURTAIN
Mrs. Verulam
Where is Mr. Bush and Mr. Ingerstall?
Rodney (lazily)
I can't imagine.
Duchess
I dare say Mr. Bush is on a roundabout (merry-go-round). You say he
is fond of being rustic, Mrs. Verulam?
Mrs. Verulam
Yes, but not in that way, I hope.
Duchess
It all goes together, love for the country and a passion for riding
wooden horses to the sound of music. Depend upon it, Mr. Bush is on a
roundabout.
Mrs. Verulam
Dear me! Mr. Rodney—
Rodney
If Mr. Bush is fond of horse exercise, I think he should be
permitted to enjoy it in all freedom.
Duke
There's a great deal of knack in sitting a wooden horse. Some
people never acquire it. I knew a very excellent clergyman who was
thrown three times by a deal cob which his cook rode perfectly the very
first try.
Miss Bindler You ought always to give a horse of that material its head. If you try to hold him, you're done.
Pearl
Do you like Ascot, Mr. Van Adam?
Van Adam
It's heavenly. Like a dream.
Pearl
Have you nothing of the kind in America?
Van Adam
How can we when we have no aristocracy? Oh, I should like to make
it my life's mission to create a grand aristocracy. I would begin by
getting baronets—they should be the thin edge of the wedge—and
everything else would follow.
Duke
To Burke instead of battle—an army of armorial bearings!
Duchess (to Mrs. Verulam)
Is Mr. Van Adam to be much longer with you?
Mrs. Verulam
I am afraid not in London. But we may go to Paris together in a
week or two.
Duchess
Indeed! (furiously) Indeed!
Mrs. Verulam (coolly)
Or on the continent.
Rodney (to himself)
Is she mad?
(Enter Mr. Bush and Mr. Ingerstall. Bush's top hat is askew, and he
has coconuts under his arm.)
Ingerstall
I would give one year of my life to take Mr. Bush to Montmartre.
How he would appreciate it. He understands the exquisite poetry of
vulgarity. He knows the bizarre effect of the roundabout—he—
Duchess
The roundabout? Didn't I say so?
Duke
You've been riding? Good exercise. Did you get a decent horse?
Bush
Haw!
Ingerstall
Splendid animal. I rode a pink, he a delicate green. I really never
enjoyed Ascot so much—never!
Mrs. Verulam (delighted)
How original you are—and how bravely simple.
Rodney (aside)
She is mad!
Mrs. Verulam
Should we not all learn to find pleasure in what nature provides
us? Instead of creating artificial amusements to titillate our baser
appetites?
Van Adam (musing)
Does nature provide apple green horses?
Rodney (quivering with indignation)
Nature? Nature is scarcely decent!
Duke
And all the better for that!
Mrs. Verulam
The true path of pleasure lies where we never seek it, far, far
from the conventions with which we surround ourselves. Oh, why, why are
we so blind?
Rodney
I beg your pardon, I can see perfectly well—and—
Mrs. Verulam
You think you can see—as the blind man does when he mistakes men
for trees walking.
Rodney
I never made any such mistake. I never in my life supposed that I
saw a tree taking active exercise. Really, I must protest.
Mrs. Verulam
Your very protestations prove your sad condition. But I, at least,
will be blind no longer. Mr. Bush has opened my eyes. Mr. Bush stands
to me for virtue.
Duchess
And what does Mr. Van Adam stand for?
Mrs. Verulam (sweetly, slyly)
Oh, everything. (to the Duchess) Mr. Bush, you must know, is full
of maxims.
Duchess
Dear me! Is he related to a copy book?
Mrs. Verulam
Oh no! Not maxims of that kind. His are founded upon
observation—of the world—of the earth. Aren't they, Mr. Bush?
Bush
There's naught like pea-poddin.
Mrs. Verulam (wonderingly)
Yes—yes.
Bush
Look after the sheep and the sheep'll look after you.
Duchess
I don't know that I should care to be looked after by a sheep. I
don't consider a sheep to be an efficient animal.
Bush
They wont a deal of mendin, a deal of mendin.
Duke (yawning)
Because they have no minds!
Mrs. Verulam
It's what we bring to a thing, isn't it?
Duchess
What would you bring to a sheep?
Bush
Swedes to a sheep. Swedes. The stick to a woman.
Duke (delighted)
You believe in the rights of man, Mr. Bush? Eh? Eh? You stick to
the old dispensation—the walnut tree cure? What? What?
Pearl
I should be very sorry for the man who laid a finger on me. Very!
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, Mr. Bush is only joking.
Duchess (staring straight at Mrs. Verulam)
A great many women would be the better for a whipping these days.
Bush
Never give a bullock sulfur—never do it, or you'll repent of it.
Duke
And how about the bullock?
Bush
Let the bullock alone, and the bullock'll let you alone.
(Bush falls asleep, or appears to.)
Rodney (aside)
The Lord is my Shepherd—
Ingerstall
He's asleep, isn't he?
Duchess (startled)
Asleep? Who?
Ingerstall (pulling out a sketchbook and rapidly sketching
the sleeping giant)
Yes, he is. I've got something to show you.
Mrs. Verulam (hastily tugging up her skirts)
What is it? Is it alive?
Ingerstall
I fancy it is. Look at that!
Duchess
It's very like. Very true to life. Don't you think so, Mrs.
Verulam?
Mrs. Verulam (looking)
Is it a bullock?
Ingerstall (pained)
A bullock! It's Bush!
Bush (startled)
Bush! Who's a-wanting me? Is it time to begin hoeing? (silence) Who
wants Bush, eh?
Ingerstall
I do. I ask you—is that a bullock, or is it you? Come, come, I ask
you? Is that a bullock, or is it you?
Bush
Me! Me! What d'yer want?
Ingerstall
What I say! What I say!
Bush (getting up and bending over Ingerstall's chair, holding
both its arms in his gigantic paws)
This, me!
Duke (egging him on)
Go it!
Bush (bellowing at Ingerstall)
I ask you, is this here a bullock, or is it me?
Ingerstall (frightened, after a pause)
It's a bullock.
Bush (looking around triumphantly)
That's all right.
(Mrs. Verulam and Mr. Van Adam exchange a smile.)
Duchess (aside, intercepting the glance)
They're using Pearl. (getting up) Good night! (exit)
Bush
The Duchess is very quick on her pins. Did she enter a walking
race?
Duke
Not since I married her.
Bush
She should. She'd stand a ten to one chance.
(Bush falls back to sleep. After a bit of mimed conversation, the
others go out. The light dims, then an old-fashioned telephone bell
rings, repeatedly and wakes Bush.)
Bun Emperor's voice Are you there? Damn you! Are you or aren't you there? Damn you! Are you there? Did I or did I not tell you you was to watch all night and be at the tube at three o'clock? Did I tell you or didn't I? If you aren't at the tube in another five minutes, tomorrow you shall be turned into the streets as surely as you are a living man! Into the streets you shall go, bag and baggage! Do you hear?
(Bush, waking up, lights a candle and looks around. He finally finds
the telephone, but has obviously never seen a telephone before. More
furious ringing!)
Bun Emperor's voice Are you there? Where are you? Where the blazes are you? Damn you, are you or aren't you there? What do you mean by it? Did I or did I not tell you to be there at three o'clock? Did I or did I not?
Bush
No!
Bun Emperor Oh, you're there at last, are you? I wonder you have the impudence to come. Keep me dancing here for an hour and more!
Bush
Keep on dancing! Keep it up!
Bun Emperor What do you say?
Bush
Dance away and be damned!
Bun Emperor Tomorrow I'll skin you! D'ye hear what I say? Tomorrow when you come round with your report, I'll skin you!
Bush
I shan't come round.
Bun Emperor (cannot believe his ears)
What?
Bush
Got to blazes!
Bun Emperor Why, damn you—
Bush
Keep your hair on!
Bun Emperor You, you—
Bush
There's naught like pea-poddin.
Bun Emperor I'll, I'll—
Bush
Look after the sheep and the sheep'll look after you.
Bun Emperor Damn, damn. Double damn!
Bush
Never give a bullock sulfur, or you'll repent of it. Keep on
dancing. Go to blazes, go! How's yourself? Has the dancing done for
yer? Would you like to skin me now? Come on, I'm waiting to be skinned.
Yes, I am. I'm ready for it. Come and skin me, come!
(Bush, greatly satisfied with himself laughs and goes out. After a
minute a sleepy Harrison comes in. The telephone bells rings again.)
Bun Emperor If you don't come round, as sure as you're a living man, at the end of the week, I'll tear you limb from limb.
Harrison (frightened)
Sir!
Bun Emperor If you don't come round—I say—by eight—
Harrison
But, sir, I shall be round. Depend upon me; I shall be there to the
moment. Oh, most decidedly.
Bun Emperor Oh, you're coming, are you?
Harrison
Oh, most certainly, sir. Could you doubt it?
Bun Emperor Then, as soon as you come, I'll skin you!
Harrison
Sir!
Bun Emperor At eight, I'll skin you—to—to the moment, I will; and Mrs. Lite says exactly similar.
(Harrison faints.)
BLACKOUT
Emperor
Come on!
Harrison (not budging an inch)
Sir!
Emperor
Come on, or you'll repent of it to the last hour of your mortal
life, you will.
Harrison
Oh, by all means, most certainly. Oh, most decidedly yes. Oh,
indeed— rely on—
Emperor
Make haste!
Empress
Oh, you wicked, ungrateful man!
Emperor
Come in, this moment! (Harrison does not move) Come in! Do you defy
me?
Empress
Wicked, wicked man!
Harrison
Let me explain, sir. Oh, indeed, I will explain.
Emperor
Coward! You know I can't come out to get at you! You know I've
given my word to that fiddle-faced feller! Coward.
Empress
Cowardly custard!
Harrison
I will not come in to be skinned. No, I will not! No, I will not,
if I stay here till the Doomsday, no, indeed!
(The Empress and Emperor hold a whispered imperial conference.)
Emperor (furiously)
You'd better come in.
(Harrison does not move, and this precipitates another whispered
conference.)
Emperor
I'll keep my hands from you, but come in you shall!
Harrison
Sir!
Emperor
Come in, I say, and I'll keep my hands off you.
Harrison
And the missus, sir? She will not attempt to injure me? Oh, dear,
no, no, on no account whatever.
Empress (grudgingly)
I won't either.
Narrator Mr. Harrison's fear was extreme, so extreme that his mind became brilliant, and he formed a plan of campaign.
Harrison
Lord, sir, Lord. The doings of the Londoners. Their goings on!
Their manners with the telephone! Their tamperings with the parrots.
Their proceedings of a night time. Lord, sir, Lord! I am driven mad. It
is no wonder, oh no, indeed! By no means. On no account whatever!
Emperor
The worst has come, Henrietta, the worst has come along.
Harrison
And worse than that, sir, you may depend upon me.
Empress
Our little home. They are breaking up our home. What did I say?
What did I always and ever say?
(The Emperor and Empress weep.)
Harrison
It began yesterday. It began with them throwing me from one of your
hammocks—in which I was concealed to watch, according to your orders.
Throwing me out on my face, sir, flat—and laughing at what they had
done.
Empress
The brutes! The inhuman things! The brutes!
Harrison
It was Mr. Rodney what done it with his own hands—and Mrs. Verulam
standing by and laughing to split her sides.
Empress
Hussy! Thieving hussy!
Harrison
But there was worse to come. I was watching Mr. Bush according to
your directions at the telephone, punctual to the moment—when her
ladyship came down dressed only in a shawl—and then Mr. Bush took me
from behind, sir, like a coward, and if I escaped with my life, it is a
wonder. Oh most decidedly, a wonder!
Empress
And only in her shawl!
Emperor
My dear, my love, remember the presence of Mr. Harrison.
Empress (low to the Emperor)
I'll skin you when he's gone!
Emperor
Mr. Harrison, I was mistook. You have done your duty, and myself
and Mrs. Lite shall not forget it. You will receive those perquisites
which are your bounden due. Though, whatever you meant through the
telephone, mercy only knows.
Empress
Yes, mercy knows.
Harrison
Through the telephone, sir. I was mad, sir. They had drove me mad—
most decidedly, yes they had.
Emperor
Was you mad when you says dance away and be damned?
Harrison
Sir?
Emperor
Was you mad when you says to Mrs. Lite, “Go to blazes.”?
Harrison
Oh, most decidedly, oh undoubtedly I was, sir.
Emperor
And when you tells me to give a bullock sulfur?
Harrison
Did I, sir?
Emperor
Mr. Harrison, you did. And I was to keep my hair on, look after the
sheep, and again be damned, Mr. Harrison.
Harrison
It was madness, sir. It was indeed. It must have been, oh, not a
doubt of it! There can be no question—a bullock sulfur—dance and be
damned. Oh dear! Oh dear! It was madness, oh most certainly.
Emperor
Enough, Mr. Harrison, enough! Mrs. Lite and me, believing that you
was driven mad will overlook the expressions which should not have come
from you to such as us. Enough, Mr. Harrison, enough.
BLACKOUT
Duchess
Dear me, what an influx of gardeners. It gives the grounds a
crowded appearance. This must be a terribly expensive place to keep up.
Bush
If they keep on as they're keepin' now, there won't be a bloomin'
flower within fifty miles of this place tomorrow.
Duke
If those men were my gardeners, I should have them up before the
nearest magistrate for damaging my property. (to a waiter who offers
tea) No tea, thanks. A whisky.
Pearl
How self conscious they look!
Duchess
Gardeners always do. They think themselves the only artistic people
among the wage earning classes. Silly!
(Enter Mr. Rodney, dripping wet.)
Duke
Wet? Much better to take your liquids internally.
Rodney
Wet? I am saturated! I am drenched! These liberties are really
unpardonable. I must change. (exit)
Duchess
How very strange. They all appear to be watching us. Are they a
party of mesmerists, do you think? Really, it can scarcely be mere idle
curiosity.
Pearl
That one chap looks to me like a third rate detective.
Duke
They all look like third rate detectives.
Van Adam (shocked)
Detectives! (aside, glancing around warily) Do they know?
Duke (aside)
Must be after me, again. Been shadowed for forty-five years.
(drawing Bush aside) See those men?
Bush
What?
Duke
See those men who watered Rodney?
Bush
Ha, ha. Rodney'll be sprouting. Rodney'll be sprouting.
Duke
They are detectives.
Bush
What are they a-doing? What are they here for?
Duke
I'll let you into a secret. They're here for me.—You're a bit of a
dog yourself. You want watching, too, what? The husband who would trust
you would soon find himself in Queer Street—what? (goes off, laughing)
Bush (aside)
Here's a go. The Duke must have set them on me. The Duchess must be
mad for me. Here's a bit of fun. I'll have me a lie-down.
(Bush sits and falls asleep. Reenter Rodney in a dry suit.)
Pearl
I hope you are none the worse for your immersion?
Rodney
I fear I cannot hope to escape rheumatic fever. To do so would
indeed be foolish optimism.
Duke
It's not every man who can say, with truth, he's been followed by
detectives almost five and forty years.
Van Adam
It is not every man who can say anything at all with truth.
Duke
Do you doubt my word?
Van Adam
I'll believe yours, if you'll believe mine.
Duke
What? Then, you're followed by detectives, too?
(Lady Pearl comes up to Van Adam and the Duke.)
Pearl
Do you think it right to be happy, Mr. Van Adam? Do you think we
are meant to have any joy here?
Van Adam
Oh dear, no. No, no! When we think all is going well, we are sure
to see the gardeners. The gardeners are certain to come upon us.
Pearl
Do you think the misery of the world is caused by gardeners?
Van Adam
I do, indeed. I am perfectly certain of it.
Pearl
How strange! Why is it?
Van Adam
Because—we are all gardeners. Do we not garden each others' souls?
Pearl
How exquisitely thoughtful you are!
Duchess
Well, Mr. Bush, how do you like the great world?
Bush (waking)
Eh? (glancing suspiciously at the Duke) Eh?
Duchess
Do you find it very different from your marshes? I suppose there
are only frogs there?
Bush
When I catch a frog, I go for it.
Duchess
When—? And where does the frog go?
Bush
Not far, not far!
Duchess
Dear me! I am afraid you're a bloodthirsty person like most men.
But you're all the same; you must kill something. One man stalks a
deer, another a frog. You shoot, I suppose?
Bush
No, I don't. Frog shootin' wouldn't pay. They go too slow.
Duchess
Heavens! The gardeners are all waiting at table. That creature with
the sauce boat was clipping the hedge—and—
Bush
Hush, give over!
Duchess
Why? They—
Bush
Give over, I tell yer!
Duchess
What is it?
Bush
They ain't gardeners.
Duchess
What! They are really footmen?
Bush
They ain't footmen!
Duchess
Not footmen! Then, what sort of servants are they?
Bush
They ain't servants. Give over. Don't talk so loud.
Duchess
Not servants! Then what are they here for?
Bush
They're here for us.
Duchess
For us?
Bush
You and me—me and you!
Duchess
Me and you!
Bush
Ay, it's a go, ain't it?
Duchess
But, what on earth are they? Not—no—not dentists?
Bush
They're coppers! Don't holler!
Duchess
Coppers!?
Bush
Police. Private dicks.
Duchess
Private dicks?
Bush
A-watching of you and me—detectives! Give over, now; here's one a-coming.
(The detective servant hands some tea clumsily.)
Duchess
But, who put them to watch us?
Bush
It's his doing.
Duchess
The Duke?
Bush
He thinks you and me is a-going on together.
(The Duchess faints.)
CURTAIN
Duke (affably)
What's your name?
Bliggins
Bliggins, sir.
Duke
Very well, Bliggins. Can you keep a quiet tongue in your head?
Bliggins
I can be dumb, sir, when necessary.
Duke
How nice to command your infirmities at will. You don't go blind
when you go dumb, what?
Bliggins
I can prevent it, sir, if I am induced.
Duke
Do you know which of the gentlemen is Mr. James Bush?
Bliggins
Ain't he the thin gent as Smithers set to and soaked?
Duke
Hmm?
Bliggins
Beg pardon, sir?
Duke
Can you serve two masters, Mr. Bliggins?
Bliggins
I can, sir, if I am induced—paid in a proper manner, as you might
say.
Duke
Very well. First, let me say, I know you. You're a detective, and
you've been put here to watch me. Be quiet man! (hushing Bliggins'
protests) I ought to know a third rate detective by this time,
considering that for five and forty years— But, that is no matter.
Lord Arthur Kempton's your employer, no doubt, or Sir John Morton. Hold
your tongue! I've no time to hear your lies. Watch me as much as you
like—but keep an eye on the man with the red beard.
Bliggins
Him as was talking so loud with the Duchess when she fainted.
Duke
The very man. James Bush—watch him!
Bliggins
I will, sir.
Duke
Day and night.
Bliggins
The charge for night duty— (the Duke presses money into his hands)
I will, sir—day and night.
Duke
Now go away, and get dumb.
(Exit the Duke and Mr. Bliggins in different directions. After a
moment, enter the Duchess, Mrs. Verulam, and Mr. Van Adam.)
Duchess
I have known you for a long time, Mrs. Verulam. I remember you as a
toddler.
Mrs. Verulam
Thank you.
Duchess
Not everyone can say as much.
Mrs. Verulam
I dare say not. No.
Duchess
Those were innocent days.
Mrs. Verulam
Toddlers are generally innocent, I suppose.
Duke
Innocent and open hearted.
Mrs. Verulam
Yes.
Duchess
In after life, it is different. The respectability of childhood
becomes impaired.
Mrs. Verulam (innocently)
Does it?
Duchess (staring pointedly at Mrs. Verulam and Mr. Van Adam)
Does it not?
Mrs. Verulam
I don't know.
Duchess
I should have thought you did.
Mrs. Verulam
Why?
Duchess
Let me give you a piece of advice.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh, I like advice.
Duchess
Get rid of Mr. Van Adam. I speak as a true friend.
Mrs. Verulam
Why should I get rid of him?
Duchess (turning purple)
There are many reasons.
Mrs. Verulam
I know of none. Poor boy. He needs me in his loneliness.
Duchess
Good gracious! Gracious heavens!
Mrs. Verulam
We ought to be kind to those whom the world has treated cruelly.
Poor Mr. Van Adam. Poor, dear fellow. (sighing)
Duchess
I am very ill. I am much upset.
(The Duchess exits. As she leaves, the Duke peeps in; he is watching
for any sign or signal between the Duchess and Mr. Bush. Van Adam
approaches Mrs. Verulam, and Mr. Rodney darts in to prevent any
possibility of a tete-a-tete.)
Van Adam
I do so want to tell you something. Have you read the “World”?
Mrs. Verulam
No; but I have something to— Oh! Good night, Mr. Rodney; I hope
your rheumatic fever will be better in the morning.
Rodney
You are very good to say so, but I am thoroughly prepared for the
worst.
(Rodney obstinately stays put. Van Adam clenches her fists. Bush
ambles up to say good night.)
Mrs. Verulam
Good night, Mr. Bush. I must tell you what an impression your
conduct at dinner made upon me.
Bush
Go along with yer! Rubbish! She's a deal too old.
(Bush goes out and sits with the Duke who has been peeping in.)
Mrs. Verulam (puzzled)
Now, what did he mean by that?
Ingerstall
Damn it, there's no absinthe. In Paris, one is not deprived of
necessities as one is in England. Why don't I live in Paris? (to
Bliggins) Where the devil's the absinthe?
Bliggins
Beg pardon, sir.
(Bliggins indicates to the Duke that he has been watching Bush.)
Ingerstall
Ventrebleu! Where is the absinthe, man? Haven't I told you that I
don't drink those Scotch and Irish abominations?
Bliggins
Certainly not, sir, certainly not.
Ingerstall (recognizing Bliggins)
It's a gardener.
Duke (overhearing)
A gardener, Ingerstall! What nonsense!
Ingerstall (stubbornly)
It is. I observed him this afternoon. I remember his nose like a
teapot, his eyes like marbles, his retreating chin, and protruding
forehead, perfectly. His arms are too long for his body, and his legs
too short for his height. He would make an admirable cartoon,
admirable. I remember thinking so.
Bliggins (weeping)
Oh, sir.
(Exit Bliggins in tears.)
Ingerstall (calling after him)
You're a beautiful subject, beautiful.
Duke (viciously)
You've frightened the fellow. Why didn't you leave him alone?
Ingerstall
Leave a monstrosity alone! Leave a human grotesque in ignorance of
his superb infirmity! I'll draw him this minute.
(Exit Ingerstall in great determination.)
Mrs. Verulam
Would you mind fetching my fan, Mr. Rodney? I believe I left it on
the table in the magenta boudoir.
Rodney (determined not to leave)
Forgive me if I send a servant for it. I can scarcely walk—this
fever seems increasing upon me.
Mrs. Verulam
Dear, dear. Then you must not dream of going to the races.
Rodney
The fresh air will do me good.
Mrs. Verulam
Mr. Van Adam can escort me. You must be wrapped at once in cotton
wool and put in a darkened room with the temperature at least eighty.
Rodney (fiercely)
I consider it my duty not to spoil your week by—by giving way
(looking at Van Adam) to illness, perhaps even to death.
Mrs. Verulam
Mr. Rodney! I have been thinking—a cooling draught would do you
good.
Rodney (hysterically)
It is most good of you, but I am perfectly cool—perfectly cool.
Nothing is more dangerous to a rheumatic than a thorough draught.
Pearl
It would be fatal, simply fatal. It would carry him off in the
twinkling of an eye.
Van Adam (aside)
If only something would.
Mrs. Verulam
I meant a drink, not a breeze. Marriner could mix it for you, Mr.
Rodney.
Rodney (wildly)
You are too kind, but I never take medicine. I prefer to put my
trust in Providence and hope for the best.
Mrs. Verulam
I think that even the bishops and clergy would say that we
Christians ought to assist the operation of Providence—with
appropriate medicine.
Van Adam (aside) Castor oil, for my money.
Mrs. Verulam
Mr. Rodney, your fever makes you act very strangely.
Rodney
Yes, I suppose it does. You are not going to retire so early, Mr.
Van Adam?
Van Adam
I am dead beat.
Rodney (clutching at Van Adam)
Then a smoke will do you good! You must have a cigar, you must! A
drink, my dear Van Adam—a long drink, a strong drink.
Duke
Hullo—Van Adam, sitting up! Bravo!
Van Adam (shrugging helplessly to Mrs. Verulam)
Well—
Duke
Have a light? (giving a cigar which Van Adam holds diffidently)
Won't it draw?
Van Adam
No, I don't think it will. I'll—I think I'll have a cigarette,
thanks.
Bush
A pipe's the thing—a pipe and a fistful of Bristol Bird's Eye.
Van Adam
Oh no, not a pipe.
Duke
Come and sit here. Now the women are gone, we can say what we like,
what?
Van Adam
Yes, we can—I suppose.
Rodney
A very good cigar, this.
Duke
I dare say it is—when it's lighted.
(Rodney goes red from embarrassment, then lights eight to ten
matches at the same time.)
Duke
Well done, Rodney! Set the place on fire! Tell us a good story,
Rodney—one of your rorty ones.
Rodney (shriveling)
I fear—I fear—I am scarcely in the rorty vein tonight. Tomorrow,
the next day, perhaps.
Duke
Well, then—you tip us one, Van Adam. Go ahead.
Van Adam
Some girls in Florida do such lovely needlework.
Duke
Lovely needlework! That's a funny beginning for a pink 'un. Well?
Van Adam
They sit all day in the sun—
Duke
Damned silly girls! Spoil their complexions. They should go into
the shade, what? What? What?
Ingerstall (peeping in abruptly) I knew a grisette once who lived on the fourth floor in the Rue des Martyres.
(Ingerstall disappears suddenly when all stare at him.)
Van Adam (clearing throat)
They sit in the sun and work for their living.
Duke
Deuced tiresome, what Rodney?
Rodney
I confess I should prefer to be under the trees.
Duke
Well, go on, Van Adam, go on.
Van Adam
Well—er—well—that's all.
Duke
All! Oh, come, I say, hang it, you're pulling our legs!
Van Adam
Oh, no. Why should I do such a thing?
Duke
But, hang it, your story'd do for a school treat or a grandmother's
meeting. That's not the sort of thing Rodney cares for, what Rodney?
(digging Rodney in the ribs and causing him to knock over a vase)
Smashing up the furniture now, after trying to set the whole place on
fire?
Rodney
An accident! Merely an unlikely accident, Duke. I shall make it
good to Mr. Lite.
Duke
If you don't, he'll probably skin you.
Rodney
Oh, really, really, I should not submit for a moment to an
indignity of that nature.
Duke
Well, I dare say, even a moment of being flayed would inconvenience
a chap. But, come, give us a limerick.
Rodney
I don't know any. I've never been to Ireland.
Duke (puzzled)
Ireland? What's Ireland got to do with it?
Rodney (innocently)
Everything, I should suppose.
Duke (disputing)
Anyone would think we were a lot of damned old women. We might as
well be Sunday school teachers at a Methodist funeral.
(Bush snores loudly.)
Rodney (frightened)
What's that?
Duke (sneeringly)
Oh—it's only Mr. Bush, asleep!
Rodney
He sleeps very loud for decent society.
Duke
He does sleep very loud. (whispering to Rodney) Does anything occur
to you, Rodney?
Rodney
I beg pardon.
(Van Adam takes the chance and exits.)
Duke
Does anything occur to you with regard to this damned uproarious
sleep?
Rodney
No, nothing at all. What should occur to me?
Duke (contemptuously)
Oh, Lord, I don't know. I don't know.
Rodney (realizing Van Adam has eluded him)
Why, where the deuce is Van Adam? He's gone—he's— Does anything
occur to you, Duke?
Duke
What?
Rodney
I say, does anything occur to you, Duke?
Duke
What about?
Rodney
About Van Adam's sudden going off in this strange manner?
Duke
No, except he's like some damned old woman. Americans are such
puritans. What should occur?
Rodney
Oh, dear—nothing, nothing at all. I—I— Good night.
(Exit Rodney, hurriedly in some confusion.)
Duke
Well, of all the sniveling, psalm singing, non-conformist Salvation
Army sets of fellows that ever I met in my life—this one takes the—
(Bush snores) That fellow's as broad awake as I am—and broader! But,
I'll be even with him, crafty as he is! (poking Bush in the ribs) Nice
and quiet here. (Bush starts) I say, nice and quiet here. Nobody about.
Bush (waking)
What if there isn't?
Duke
I beg your pardon?
Bush
I say, what if there isn't anybody about?
Duke
Oh, nothing—nothing! I was only thinking what games might be
carried on in a big house like this—and nobody the wiser.
Bush
Was you?
Duke
Midnight revels, what? What? What? (digging him in the ribs) You're
a dog!
Bush
Give over! I ain't a dog!
Duke
Yes, you are. I know you. I know all about it. Lady Drake's a fine
woman—a damned fine woman!
Bush
Lady Drake, she's all right—go along with yer! She knows a thing
or two. She's as downy as a goat in autumn, she is!
Duke
You like 'em downy, what? You like a crafty one? What?
Bush
Rather! Rather!
Duke
Because you're a downy one yourself? I know you!
Bush
Look after Lady Drake and she'll look after you.
Duke
And did you look after her in the hall at three o'clock, Mr. Bush?
I saw you, I saw you both. I know all about it. (aside) I knew she was
lying to me. I knew the fellow as a regular demon.
Bush (laying a big paw on the Duke's arm, confidentially)
She's a rascal.
Duke
Lady Drake?
Bush
She's a rascal! Set the gardeners on to her! She wants a-watching.
Duke
You're right. The gardeners should direct their attention to her.
Shall I give them a hint to that effect?
Bush
Ay! Ay! Set them on to her! She wants a-watching!
Duke (aside)
Exquisite villain. Monument of evil. (aloud) I'll take your advice.
I'll set them on to her.
(Bush relaxes and the Duke starts to leave, but runs into Bliggins.)
Duke
Watch that red bearded rascal! Watch him! Never let him from under
your eyes.
Bliggins
But, it's the black gent with the specs as is the dangerous one,
sir.
Duke
This red bearded villain—he's the man. He's the fiend, I tell you.
Dog his footsteps. Creep after him. Run him down! You shan't repent of
it. Hush, not a word!
(Bliggins conceals himself and starts to watch Bush who has dozed
off again.)
Harrison's voice After setting fire to the 'ouse—oh, most decidedly, sir! Mr. Rodney is now smashing up furniture, Mrs. Lite, Chinese vases, sir. Oh, indeed, sir! And the Duke, ma'am, was splitting his sides with laughter while he done it. Oh, I'm keeping an eye on him. (bumping into Bliggins who is crawling around) Mrs. Bliggins, you were hired to watch, oh indeed!
Bliggins
I was watching, Mr. Harrison, sir. The red bearded man—he's the
fiend! Stalk him! I was doing it.
Harrison
Mr. Bliggins—them was no words of mine—oh, dear no, on no account
whatever! My words to you was: “Watch the lot.” Oh, most certainly.
(Bliggins and Mr. Harrison go out, the lights go very dark. Bush
continues to snore. Then Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam steal in.)
Mrs. Verulam's voice Now—oh!
Van Adam
Shh! Be quiet, Daisy. It's only me. They're all asleep. Don't wake
them.
Mrs. Verulam
I thought it was a ghost.
Van Adam
Can we sit down? (sitting) EEK! It's a cactus.
Mrs. Verulam
Over here. Now, I must tell you—
Van Adam
And, I must tell you—
Mrs. Verulam
Mrs. Rodney has heard from New York that your husband—
Van Adam
And I have heard from Sherlock Holmes, a detective I employ, that
my husband—
Together
Is in England.
Van Adam
In Yorkshire. He may come to Ascot at any moment.
Mrs. Verulam
Do you want him back?
Van Adam
Back! What do you mean?
Mrs. Verulam
He wants you back. That's why he's come. He's discovered that you
never—you know—
Van Adam
So. He's learned his lesson.
Mrs. Verulam
But you can't remarry him in trousers.
Van Adam
I shall take them off. At once.
Mrs. Verulam
But, if you do, what will happen to me?
Van Adam
To you?
Mrs. Verulam
My reputation will be restored. I shall be ruined.
Van Adam
Then I must disappear and take off my trousers.
Mrs. Verulam
And give up society?
Van Adam
I feel as you do, now. I don't care any more. Love is the only
thing. You were right.
Mrs. Verulam
Did I say that? Dear me!
Van Adam
You certainly did! What about Mr. Bush and Bungay Marsh?
Mrs. Verulam
Bungay—Bungay—your trousers.
Van Adam
Bungay my trousers! Surely, it would spoil them?
Mrs. Verulam
Listen. You want to change them, don't you? That's the place to do
it. No one will look for us there. Let us go.
Van Adam
When?
Mrs. Verulam
Now!
Van Adam
In the middle of the night?
Mrs. Verulam
Yes.
Van Adam
How will we get there?
(Enter the Duchess above with a weak light.)
Duchess
Who dares to take off his trousers in this house?
Mrs. Verulam
Run!
(Exit Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam. The Duchess slips while coming down
the stairs. Enter the Duke.)
Duke
I've caught you at last, have I?
Bush (waking)
What? What?
Duke (jumping over the Duchess to get at Bush)
You shall not escape me! Your blood—I'll have it!
Bush (running off quickly)
Catchin' comes before hangin'.
(The Duke follows Bush in hot pursuit. Enter Lady Pearl at the head
of the stairs. She has a revolver.)
Pearl
This sort of thing won't do. It's time someone taught these robbers
a lesson. (firing her pistol six times) Thieves! Thieves!
(Lady Pearl exits to reload. Enter Harrison.)
Harrison
If so much as the house is set afire, or the furniture is broke to
pieces—
(Harrison bumps into the Duke who is returning. The Duke attempts to
strangle Harrison, but is beaten off and then goes to Rodney's door.)
Rodney's voice Don't dare to enter! I shall certainly kill the first man who enters.
Duke
Rodney, Rodney! Let me in, Rodney.
Rodney
If I sell my life, I shall sell it dearly. I will not be slain
without a struggle.
Duke
Rodney, don't be a fool. Don't be an ass, Rodney.
Rodney
I will! Nothing shall prevent me, nothing on earth. I will, I will.
(The Duke finally enters and pulls Rodney out.)
Rodney
I will die here! I will not be killed in the open! I will die here.
Duke
Come of out it, Rodney. You must act for me in this affair.
Rodney
No, no. I will not come out.
Duke
Come out you shall.
Rodney (woebegone)
Do it mercifully, then. Why— It's you, Duke. I thought you were my
friend.
(Lady Pearl, having reloaded her revolver, appears briefly on the
stairs, firing again.)
Duke
Rodney, you're an ass. But, fool or ass, you must act for me in
this affair. I've been trying to strangle that fellow Bush.
Rodney
Did you? Did you succeed in doing so, Duke?
Duke (bitterly)
He managed to get away from me. Just as I was on the point of
choking the life out of him.
Rodney (with great feeling)
What a pity!
Duke (delighted)
Then, you will act for me?
Rodney
Yes, yes, with the greatest pleasure.
Duke (with good humor)
You're a man after all! We'll kill him yet, between us. This sort
of business makes a man think.
Rodney
It does, it does, indeed!
Duke
Then it's settled! I shall search for the fellow first. If I find
him here, I'll just finish him off. If not, he'll make a beeline for
Bungay. We'll follow him there, force a duel on him and bury him in his
own cabbage patch!
CURTAIN
Scene: Bungay Marshes. A small farm house with out buildings. Jacob Minnindick is hoeing.
Jacob
Darn it all. If it ain't 'im back already.
Bush
How's the vegs?
Jacob
Mortal spoilt by rain—darn 'em. What's brought you back so soon?
Bush
What's that t'yer? Why don't yer get to hoeing?
Jacob
Why don't ye get to them as drew ye from hoeing?
Bush
Shut yer head; I've done with 'em.
Jacob
Oh, I dessay. But, who's seen arter the mushrooms? Who's a-cared
for them there mellins while ye was with 'em?
(A noise of horses off.)
Bush (hearing the noise)
What's that?
Jacob
'Osses.
Bush
Stand before me! Cover me up! Throw sprouts on me. Throw sprouts on
me.
(Bush falls to the ground and tries to conceal himself. Enter the
Duke and Rodney.)
Duke
You've pulled a hamstring in that horse, Rodney. Why the devil
didn't you give him his head?
Rodney
Because I didn't dare, because I cannot—I—
Duke (seeing Jacob)
Here you, my man, can you tell me the way to the farm—Bungay
Marshes?
Jacob
Heh?
Duke
I want the farm, Bungay Marshes.
Jacob
What d'ye want 'un for?
Duke
What the deuce is that to you? Well, my man, don't you know where
the farm is?
Jacob
Yes, I knows.
Duke
Where, then?
Jacob
'Ereabouts.
Duke
I know that.
Jacob
What did you arst me fer, then?
Bush (whispering)
Shovel the sprouts over me, d'ye hear? Cover me over!
Duke
I'll give you a taste of my whip if I have any more of your
impudence. Tell me where the farm is, this moment.
Jacob
I have told ye.
Duke
Where is it?
Jacob
'Ereabouts.
Duke
Where the devil's hereabouts?
Jacob
Where yer standing!
Duke
Where I'm standing? Why didn't you say so?
Jacob
I did say so.
Duke
Where's your master? Is he back?
Jacob
Heh?
Duke
Where the deuce is your infernal master?
Jacob (coolly)
'Ereabouts.
Bush (whispering)
Cover me up, damn you.
Duke
Where the deuce is that?
Jacob
Where I'm standing.
Duke (seeing Bush)
You rascal—you infernal rascal! Then, I didn't strangle you after
all?
Bush (rising)
Eh?
Duke
I didn't strangle you. But I will.
Rodney
Take a little time to think it over.
Duke
Rodney, hold your tongue. I thought I'd killed you.
Bush
You never touched me! I went too quick fer yer.
Duke
I strangled someone. Who could it have been?
Rodney
Perhaps a detective.
Duke
Bliggins, perhaps. Never mind. What does matter, is that I'm going
to kill you. Do you hear, sir?
Bush
I ain't deaf.
Duke
Right here.
Rodney
I implore you to be calm. Don't make a scene. If you must kill him,
do so quietly.
Duke
Choose your weapon.
Bush
Eh?
Duke
Choose your weapon. What do you generally fight with here?
Bush
Hoes. Allus fight with a hoe and never repented of it.
Duke
Hoes! Well, if you like—but I've never done so. I shall have to
practice. That's only fair.
Rodney
Yes, yes. Take a week.
Duke
A week! An hour will be enough. Very well. Let it be hoes. Where
can I get one?
Bush
At the Elephant and Drum.
Duke
Where the deuce is that?
Bush
The inn to Bungay. Down the road.
Duke
The very place, the very place. How far is it?
Bush
Half a mile.
Duke
I shall be back in an hour or two, then. Cheerio. Come, Rodney. If
you try to get away, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. This
way, Rodney.
(Exit Duke purposefully and Rodney hesitantly. Bush and Minnindick
grunt at each other and resume hoeing. After a moment the noise of a
carriage.)
Bush
Whatever's that?
Jacob
A kerridge a-comin'.
Bush
What should a carriage come for?
(Noise of carriage stopping. Enter the Duchess.)
Duchess
Oh, Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush.
Bush
What's brought you a-here?
Duchess
Oh, Mr. Bush, you've ruined me! You have undone me, Mr. Bush.
Bush
Get along with yer!
Duchess
You have indeed! You must make reparation. You must go to the Duke,
Mr. Bush. You must go to him and tell him how innocent I am.
Jacob
Innercent does she say?
Duchess (clasping Bush's knees)
Oh, Mr. Bush! Do me justice. Set me right. Go to my husband and
tell him what a true wife I have always been to him.
Bush
Give over! Give over now!
Duchess
I will not give over! I have followed you here, for you alone can
tell the Duke there's nothing between— (sound of carriage) Oh, hide
me! Hide me! There's a carriage coming! Oh, if I am seen here, I am
lost forever.
Bush
Give over! Where can yer a-hide?
(The Duchess runs into the mushroom house.)
Jacob (protesting)
Not the mushroom house! She'll a-treadle dow the spawn! She'll do a
mischief on the mushrooms!
(Bush and Minnindick resume hoeing. Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam enter,
arm in arm.)
Mrs. Verulam
How very peaceful it is! Here all is rest and happiness.
Van Adam
Quite so, dear.
Mrs. Verulam
It is like heaven.
Van Adam
By now everyone at Ribton Marches knows of our flight.
Mrs. Verulam (amused)
I wonder what the Duchess is saying.
Duchess's voice (from the mushroom house)
Oh, I shall be suffocated! The smell—of—of—
Van Adam
No doubt she is taking away your character.
Mrs. Verulam
I hate large respectable women. Mr. Rodney will be terribly shocked
at my running away like this.
Van Adam
Poor Mr. Rodney.
Mrs. Verulam
Why do you say poor? He's very rich.
Van Adam
Because— Oh, Daisy, you know quite well! At any rate, society will
never have any more to do with a hostess who leaves a Duke and a
Duchess stranded in the middle of Ascot week. You might get over murder
more easily.
Mrs. Verulam
I suppose the Duke is furious.
Van Adam
It can't be helped if he is. There doesn't seem to be anybody
about.
(Van Adam looks everywhere but at Bush and Minnindick who continue
hoeing.)
Mrs. Verulam
Let's go in. I can't wait to see you without your trousers.
Duchess
Little hussy!
Van Adam
I look ever so much better without them.
Duchess
Oh, I am going to faint at such talk. Ahh—the smell revived me.
Van Adam
Ah, ah, ah—
Mrs. Verulam
What is it?
Van Adam
There's someone coming down the road. Daisy, come, come! Two men
are coming down the road.
(Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam go into the house.)
Jacob
They're gone into the house.
(A moment later Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam appear in an upper story
window.)
Van Adam
It's my husband, I know it, I know it. What shall I do?
Mrs. Verulam
No! Good heavens! It's the Duke and Mr. Rodney carrying hoes.
Duke
I shall kill him without a doubt.
(The mushroom house door opens and shuts immediately.)
Rodney
Indeed, I fervently hope so. Still, we can never tell in these
matters. You have made a will, I hope?
Duke
By Jove! Lucky you reminded me. Give me some paper.
Rodney
Paper?
Duke
Paper, so I can disinherit that false woman.
Duchess's voice Ahh—I faint.
Rodney
Let me intercede.
Duke
Not a word.
Rodney
I don't have any paper.
Duke
Never mind. You will report my dying words, if it comes to that.
Rodney
Don't you think you'd better put it off a few hours? He's lying
about in his garden.
(Bush continues to hoe.)
Duke
I intend to lay him out. Mr. Bush! Are you deaf, sir? Are you deaf
and blind, sir?
Bush
Give over!
Duke
How dare you speak to me like that, sir? How dare you do it, sir?
Do you suppose that because you have me out here in the country you can
intimidate me, sir?
Bush
Get along with you!
Duke
I shall do nothing of the kind, sir. Take a hoe, sir—take a hoe,
and stand to your defense this instant!
Rodney
Don't make a scene!
Duke
Rodney, you are an egregious ass! Take a hoe—do you hear me, sir?
Bush
Pull up the weeds, Jacob—and lay down a bit v'morl along the
sparrow grass. (aside) Lock her in, d'yer hear? Lock her in and lose
the key!
Duke
Lock her in, d'you say? You villainous ruffian! So, you've trapped
some other wretched creature into your clutches. Can't even stand by
your partner in crime. I dare say that house is positively swarming
with degraded females at this very moment.
(Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam abruptly disappear from their window.)
Rodney
I scarcely think the house is swarming—
Duke
I am not addressing myself to you. I have nothing to say to you. My
business is with this gentleman. Stop digging this moment, or I shall
not wait for you to fight. I shall kill you without further parley!
Jacob
Where d'ye wish it laid?
Bush
Along the sparrow grass, I tell yer. Then, get to mulching.
Duke
Marl and Mulching be damned! (presenting hoe)
Rodney (to Bush)
Save yourself.
(Bush backs off.)
Duke
Rodney, how dare you interfere?
Rodney
Duke, I am your second. Fight if you must, but fight like a man.
Don't murder a man in his bean sprouts.
Duke (wildly)
I'll murder him where I choose. Will you be killed or will you
fight?
Bush
I won't be killed.
Duke
Then, stop mulching, and get your second to come out on the
grass—and we'll have it out fairly.
Bush
Jacob, Jacob—
Jacob
What der yer want?
Bush
Give over, Jacob.
Duke
Take your hoe and follow me.
Mrs. Verulam (appearing at the window)
What are they doing? Why is the Duke so angry?
Van Adam
I expect Mr. Bush is going to show him how to hoe the garden.
Mrs. Verulam
Well, but what's the Duke doing now? He's measuring the ground with
a pocket handkerchief.
Van Adam
No, how am I going to change my trousers?
Duke
Come on, nothing will save you!
Duchess (feebly, from the mushroom house)
Help! Help! Murder! Murder!
Rodney
Whatever's that?
Duke
I know that voice.
Duchess
Help, help!
Jacob
An innercent lady in the mushroom house.
Duke
In there! An innocent lady in such a hole as that! (pushing by Bush
and going to the mushroom house) You scoundrel! It's locked! It's
bolted! Where's the key? Rodney, why don't you fetch the key?
Rodney
Because I don't know where it is.
Duke
And you call yourself a man. She'll be dead in another minute.
Rodney
Try your hoe, Duke, try your hoe.
Duke
By Jove, I will. (breaking open the door) CLEOPATRA!
(The Duke turns towards Bush with murder in his eye. Bush drops his
hoe and runs towards the house. Enter the Bun Emperor accompanied by
Mr. Harrison and Bliggins.)
Harrison
Here's your man, oh most certainly, by all means.
Emperor
Arrest him! Arrest him!
Duke
Let me kill him! Let me kill the scoundrel!
Emperor
Not till I've skinned him for stealing my property.
Rodney
For heaven's sake, don't make a scene before the ladies.
Harrison
Rely on me, oh, indeed, most certainly, in all circumstances, rely
on me.
Jacob
The innercent lady—she ain't stifled.
Duchess
Yes, I am an innocent lady. Oh, Southborough! He wouldn't speak for
me, he fled, the base one fled. He's not a man.
(Enter Mrs. Van Adam.)
Van Adam
No more am I.
Mrs. Verulam (protesting)
Chloe!
Van Adam
It's all over, Daisy. We couldn't keep this up forever.
Rodney
The gentleman's a lady?
Duchess
This man, a woman? But then, you are, you are—
Mrs. Verulam
Respectable!
Duchess
Then, I shall have to send Lady Pearl to Carlsbad this summer.
Unless Mr. Ingerstall—Southborough, come away.
Mrs. Verulam (to the Emperor)
Now, you must release Mr. Bush—this is all a mistake.
Emperor
Let him go, Mr. Harrison. Let the ruffian go!
Harrison
Rely on me, sir.
Emperor
We do, Mr. Harrison, we do.
(Bush, released, goes back to his hoeing.)
Mrs. Verulam
Mr. Bush, goodbye.
(Bush continues to hoe.)
Duke
Goodbye, Mr. Bush.
Bush
Get on with yer!
(Mrs. Verulam turns away and takes Rodney's arm.)
Rodney
You will not leave society.
Mrs. Verulam
Perhaps—perhaps not! I must think. I must ponder.
Marriner (coming up)
Ma'am, may I speak?
Mrs. Verulam
Certainly, Marriner. What is it?
Marriner
With your permission, ma'am. I desire to enter into matrimony.
Mrs. Verulam
Indeed! With whom?
Marriner
Mr. Harrison.
Mrs. Verulam
Oh.
Marriner
I feel that I can rely on him, ma'am.
CURTAIN