THE LONDONERS By Frank J. Morlock

A Play in Five Acts Based on a novel by Robert Hichens

  • ACT I
  • ACT II
  • ACT III
  • ACT IV
  • ACT V
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
    
                                   C 1987
    Etext by Dagny
    
    
    

    CHARACTERS:
    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner, Mrs. Verulam's maid
    Mrs. Van Adam
    Mrs. Verulam's butler
    Mr. Hyacinth Rodney
    Bun Emperor (Mr. Lite)
    Empress (Mrs. Lite)
    Harrison, the Empress' butler
    Mr. James Bush
    Mr. Ingerstall
    Duchess
    Duke
    Lady Pearl
    Mr. Bliggins
    Jacob Minnindick

    ACT I

    Scene I. A drawing room in Mrs. Verulam's mansion in London, in the 1890s.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, Marriner! Oh, Marriner—how terribly hot it is.

    Marriner
    The heat is severe, ma'am, for this season of the year.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I am as pale as Pierrot.

    Marriner
    I beg pardon, ma'am?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Pierrot, Marriner, is the legendary emblem of—but it is too hot for history. (spying roses) What is all that?

    Marriner
    From Mr. Hyacinth Rodney, ma'am. They are remarkably fine specimens, ma'am. I often think——

    Mrs. Verulam
    Yes, Marriner, what do you think?

    Marriner
    That we are like flowers, ma'am. We fade and die so soon.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dear me, Marriner, what original thoughts you have.

    Marriner
    I can't help them coming, ma'am. They seem to take me like a storm, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam (examining a tray of cards)
    Oh, more cards. What curious names people are born with! Why will so may people call?

    Marriner
    I think they wish to see you, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam (glumly)
    That is the problem.

    Marriner
    I love problems, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Then solve this one. Why do people with immortal souls spend their lives leaving tiny oblong cards on other people with immortal souls— whom they scarcely know, and don't care a straw about? Why do they do it, Marriner?

    Marriner
    Might I speak, ma'am?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I ask you to.

    Marriner
    I don't feel convinced their souls are immortal, ma'am. I have my doubts, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You're certainly in fashion. But, what makes it all the more strange— if we have only one life, why should we waste it in leaving cards?

    Marriner
    Very true, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam (rising dramatically from her seat)
    Marriner, we are fools! That is why we do it. That is why we do a thousand things that bore us—and other people. Give me all those notes.

    (Marriner brings the notes.)

    Mrs. Verulam (after opening several)
    Oh, I can't open any more! Heavens! Are we human, Marriner? Are we thinking, sentient beings, that we live this life of absurdity? Thus do we deliberately complicate our existence—already so complicated, whether we will or no. Ah, it is intolerable. The season is a disease. London is a vast lunatic asylum.

    Marriner
    Oh, ma'am!

    Mrs. Verulam
    And we, who call ourselves civilized, are the incurable patients. Give me something to read. Let me try to forget where I am and what I am.

    (Marriner brings a journal.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner, why do you give me this to read?

    Marriner
    I thought you had not seen it, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Leave me, Marriner.

    (Marriner curtsies and exits.)

    Mrs. Verulam (turning to her squirrel in its cage)
    Tommy, listen to me. Do you know that you are like me? Do you know that I, too, am in a cage—that I, too, am revolving in a prison, where everything must go round and round? I am so tired of it, Tommy, so tired of my cage—and yet, do you know, half the world is trying to get into it? And cannot! Isn't that absurd?

    (Reenter Marriner, followed by Mrs. Van Adam.)

    Marriner
    Mrs. Van Adam!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dearest Chloe!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Darling Daisy!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner, say “not at home” this afternoon.

    Marriner
    Yes, ma'am. (exits)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, Chloe— But, why is your hair cut so short?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Oh, it is so hot in Florida that I wanted to have as little about me as possible.

    Mrs. Verulam
    It makes you look just like a man!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    I'll grow it again.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Have you brought a maid?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    No.

    Mrs. Verulam (indicating a seat beside her)
    Come and sit down. It's so strange for us to be together again. How many years is it?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    And now, you're a widow and the darling of London!

    Mrs. Verulam
    And you— By the way, how is Mr. Van Adam?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    I am told he is quite well.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You are told! You are told!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Your house is delicious! Florida is lonely. It was cool of me to cable you I was coming. But, you don't mind?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I am delighted. I've been wanting you to come for so long.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    And the season is just beginning?

    Mrs. Verulam (sighing)
    Yes. It's just beginning.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    It's perfect.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Chloe, when I was in Paris, I was a little fool.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    You think I'm still pretty, don't you?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Lovely, with that short hair.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    And immensely rich. Give me London to play with.

    Mrs. Verulam
    But, my dear—

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Yes. You can do it. You are the pet of society.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Nonsense.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    If you only knew how I long to get into it!

    Mrs. Verulam
    If you only knew how I long to get out of it!

    Mrs. Van Adam (looking at the salver What a heap of invitations.

    Mrs. Verulam (bored)
    Today's.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    May I look at them?

    Mrs. Verulam
    If you like. They're stupid.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Stupid! To have the honor to meet the Prince and Princess of— (hugging her) Oh, you darling! Take me with you—oh, do take me with you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Where?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    To see the Prince and the Princess.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You will find it terribly dull.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Dull? Never!

    Mrs. Verulam
    You don't understand things. You don't know what London society is for a woman.

    Mrs. Van Adam (rapturously)
    Heaven!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Purgatory. We have to talk when we have nothing to say. We have to be made love to—

    Mrs. Van Adam (delighted)
    Ahh—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Eat when we are not hungry. Stand like sheep in a pen for hours at a stretch.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Yes, but the other sheep!

    Mrs. Verulam
    All sheep baa in the same way.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Mercy, darling! You a farmer!

    Mrs. Verulam
    No. It was James Bush who taught me all about—sheep.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    James Bush?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Yes.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Is Mr. Bush in society?

    Mrs. Verulam
    He? Never!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Oh, then, don't let's talk about him any more.

    Mrs. Verulam
    All right. But, you must know I have come to a great resolution.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    What is it?

    Mrs. Verulam
    That this season is my last. I intend to leave town by the first of July.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    The first of July. Oh, by that time, I shall know everybody, and—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Be as weary as I am.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Be able to manage for myself. Besides, darling, society won't let you leave it.

    Mrs. Verulam
    That's the terror which pursues me night and day. I have made many attempts. Once, I lost all my fortune—

    Mrs. Van Adam
    What?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Gave out that I had, you know.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    And, what happened?

    Mrs. Verulam
    It was dreadful. Everybody rallied round me. Have you ever been rallied round?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Never.

    Mrs. Verulam
    It's most fatiguing. It's worse than the Derby. I believe there's only one way in which I could do it.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    What way is that?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Compromise myself seriously.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    How?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I could be divorced.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Divorced! Would that help you much?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, it would save me. I should be out of everything! Alas, I was born respectable. And besides, my husband is dead, so I cannot divorce. But, tell me about Mr. Van Adam. Why isn't he with you?

    Mrs. Van Adam (evasively)
    Well, you see—his oranges—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oranges?

    Mrs. Van Adam (hurriedly)
    Yes, he grows them on a gigantic scale, and they can't be left.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Chloe, remember, we were in school together.

    Mrs. Van Adam (brazening it out)
    But, it is true. Oranges require a great deal of looking after.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, well, if you prefer to keep me I the dark, I won't say another word.

    Mrs. Van Adam (owning up)
    You're right. It's not the oranges.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Of course not.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Mr. Van Adam and I have parted.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Parted!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    We are separated.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Legally?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Divorced, actually.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You divorced him already?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    How rapidly you jump to conclusions.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Jump! But—

    Mrs. Van Adam
    I did not say I divorced him. Now, did I? Did I? Oh, I do dislike these implications.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I hope HE divorced you for something—American.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Now, what do you mean?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, disliking Thanksgiving, or clams, incompatibility I think you call it.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    No, it was an English action I was divorced for.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Than, it was for something—bad?

    Mrs. Van Adam (hotly)
    No, not at all! He is one of those men with a temperament—if he loves you—and he did love me.

    Mrs. Verulam
    A temperament! Now, please, don't abuse a man for being deformed. I'm afraid you've done something dreadful.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    No, no. At first, we were fashionably unhappy together. I liked his fury, but there was no variety in him at all. And, one does look for variety in a man.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Or, in other men.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    When we were in New York, it was all right. I like a man angry in public. It shows he's really fond of you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You always were a bit perverse.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    But then, we went to Florida. And I meant him to be good-tempered, for we were quite alone. But, he couldn't stop.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, dear.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Then, B. B. Rockmetteller came to visit.

    Mrs. Verulam
    B. B. Rockmetteller?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    His dearest chum. He was to sympathize with my husband. That's why he was invited. But, as soon as he arrived, my husband became furiously jealous of him. And then, Huskinson, that's my husband, attacked B. B. It was my duty to say B. B. was harmless.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Certainly.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    But my doing so brought him to the verge of madness. Huskinson went away for a week.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Leaving B. B.?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Yes. And then he came back, and said we had deceived him while he was away.

    Mrs. Verulam
    How unreasonable! If he hadn't meant you to deceive him, he shouldn't have gone.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    While B. B. was in the billiard room arguing with my husband, I was locking up the revolvers and packing my trunks. So, I went off. Next thing I knew, he was suing me for divorce.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dreadful!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Why dreadful? It was all done very quietly. Nobody will hear of it over this way. Besides, I am innocent.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Then, why didn't you defend it?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Because I was in the right!

    Mrs. Verulam (agreeably)
    Of course.

    Mrs. Van Adam (picking up the paper and starting to read it)
    Ah, this is your great paper! I want to see my name in it some day. (reading, shocked) Yoiks—I do!

    Mrs. Verulam
    What is the matter? Are you ill?

    Mrs. Van Adam (reading aloud)
    “A considerable sensation has been caused in Florida, by the Van Adam divorce—etc.—etc.—which caused him to condemn not only his wife, but his trusted friend.”

    Mrs. Verulam (grabbing the paper and reading)
    Dearest, you can never get into the cage now.

    Mrs. Van Adam (bursting into tears)
    Is it quite impossible?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Quite. If you were a man, that paragraph would open doors for you.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Oh, why am I not a man?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner—my maid—she's marvelously well-informed about everything. Marriner might know. I cannot tell.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    And, I used to be a man.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Chloe, dear, collect yourself. Don't deceive yourself for a moment. You have always been what you are now—a woman.

    Mrs. Van Adam (doggedly)
    No, on. Everybody said so.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I think you had better lie down quietly.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    It was at a masquerade ball. I dressed in a tweed suit. I still have it. It reminds me of happy days.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I'm afraid you love B. B.—I mean your husband.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    No, no.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You should have come over as a man, dear. Then London would have been at your feet.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Suppose I should? Are you at home this afternoon?

    Mrs. Verulam
    No, not to anyone.

    Ms. Van Adam Good. Let me go upstairs and change. Then, I want to talk to you ever so much. Oh, that horrible, wicked paragraph.

    (Mrs. Verulam rings a bell and Marriner enters.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner, this is Mrs. Van Adam. I want you to take great care of her.

    Marriner (to Mrs. Van Adam)
    I trust the oranges are doing well, ma'am?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Marriner will show you to your room, dear.

    (Exit Marriner with Mrs. Van Adam.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Providence has at last heard my cry.

    (Enter butler.)

    Butler
    Mr. Hyacinth Rodney.

    Mrs. Verulam (a little puzzled, since she gave orders she was not at home)
    But—

    (Enter Mr. Rodney.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Thank you for your roses, a thousand times.

    Rodney
    I did not come to be thanked for giving anyone pleasure. I come to bring glad tidings.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I shall think of you as a herald angel.

    Rodney
    Flying ever to my heaven.

    Mrs. Verulam (a little uneasy)
    But, your tidings?

    Rodney
    My mission has been successful. The house is yours.

    Mrs. Verulam
    What house?

    Rodney (astonished)
    Surely, you have not forgotten that you commissioned me to get you Ribton Marches for the race week?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, now I remember.

    Rodney (pained)
    Only now? I opened delicate negotiations weeks ago. One false step would have been instant destruction.

    Mrs. Verulam (touched)
    My dear Mr. Rodney—

    Rodney
    Instant destruction! Owing to the temper of the owner, Mr. Lite, the Bun Emperor.

    Mrs. Verulam (nonplussed)
    The Bun Emperor!

    Rodney
    So he is known to all the children in the British Isles to whom he caters, as the saying goes.

    Mrs. Verulam (not having realized she was dealing with such an exalted personage)
    Dear me.

    Rodney
    Mr. Lite is a man of very peculiar proclivities. I made a minute study of them in order to carry out your instructions.

    Mrs. Verulam
    It is most good and industrious of you. (aside) Whatever shall I do with this house?

    Rodney
    Oh, I shrink from nothing in such a cause. He's a man of violent temper—devoted to home life and extremely suspicious of strangers.

    Mrs. Verulam
    What a terrible combination of idiosyncrasies.

    Rodney
    Precisely. There were moments when despair seized me, and I could have cried aloud like an Eastern Pilgrim “Allah has turned his face from me.”

    Mrs. Verulam
    I am quite ashamed to have given you so much trouble. But, how did you succeed?

    Rodney (rising)
    Well, I found there was only one string I could play on—his love of titles. I—I ventured to make a promise on your behalf.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Indeed!

    (Mrs. Verulam walks about in agitation.)

    Rodney (guiltily)
    I said that you would use your influence with Lady Sophia.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mamma!

    Rodney
    With regard to the buns. Did I go too far?

    Mrs. Verulam
    And, what is poor Mamma to do? I cannot ask her to eat a bun, Rodney, I really can't do that!

    Rodney
    Such a shocking notion would never have occurred to me. No, no, Lady Sophia must only say a word in praise of his buns. (pulls out paper) It reads thus: “I beg to say your buns look very inviting, they should be nourishing. Your influence on the digestion of English children, I feel almost certain, will commend itself to historians of the national diet.—Lady Sophia Tree.” I think Mr. Disraeli could scarcely improve upon that.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mamma has only to sign that?

    Rodney
    Merely to sign, I assure you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, then she will do it. She likes to see herself in print. And, you did this for me?

    Rodney (clearing his throat twice and twitching respectfully as if he were about to receive a Knight of the Garter from the Queen) Yes, ma'am.

    (Enter butler.)

    Butler: Her Grace the Duchess of Southborough—and her daughter.

    (Enter the Duchess.)

    Duchess
    So glad to find you at home. We quite thought you would have been out on such a lovely day. (butler whispers in her ear) What do you say— what? Not enough! An extra sixpence? Certainly not! Tell him to go. (exit butler) (resuming, to Mrs. Verulam) But, I know you are quite independent of weather. In that respect, you are quite like Southborough—he always says— (butler reenters and resumes whispering to her) What? What do you say? He won't go? No, I shan't. Tell him so. Not another penny. We only took him from Whitely's. It isn't more than two miles. (more whispering) No, no! Certainly not!

    Rodney
    Can I be of any service?

    Duchess
    Oh, thank you, Mr. Rodney. It is only an extortionate cab man. Send him away.

    Rodney (going out with butler)
    Certainly.

    Duchess
    Southborough always defies the weather. He is heroic in that regard. He is like—

    Rodney (returning)
    It is quite right. Lord Birchington is gone.

    Duchess
    Birchington? You don't mean to tell me the fellow was my brother?

    Rodney
    Er, yes.

    Duchess
    Oh, I fancied I knew his face. That quite accounts for the attempt at extortion. Birchington is always in difficulty and I dare say cab driving doesn't pay too well. I hope, I hope, Mr. Rodney, you didn't give in to his demands?

    Rodney
    Well, really—he seemed so convinced. Just a sixpence, you know.

    Duchess
    That is the way to become poor, Mr. Rodney. You ought to take more care of your money, and not let my worthless brother prey on you.

    Butler (entering)
    Mr. Van Adam.

    (Enter Mrs. Van Adam, dressed in a tweed suit.)

    Mrs. Van Adam (aside to Mrs. Verulam)
    Introduce me as my husband.

    Mrs. Verulam
    The Duchess of Southborough—Mr. Van Adam.

    Rodney
    I had no idea, no notion at all, that you knew Mr. Van Adam.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, yes.

    Rodney
    Besides, I fully understood he was in Florida.

    Mrs. Verulam
    That makes that paragraph in the “World” all wrong.

    Rodney
    I wrote it.

    Mrs. Verulam (frightened)
    You!

    Van Adam
    An invitation lured me from my orange groves.

    Duchess
    Oh, then you are staying with Mrs. Verulam?

    Van Adam
    Yes.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, yes. (feebly) Oh, yes, yes.

    Duchess (in a hard voice)
    Might I ask for a coup of tea, Mrs. Verulam?

    Mrs. Verulam (uneasily)
    Certainly. (pouring tea carefully, but putting in fifteen lumps of sugar) You don't take tea with sugar I think?

    Duchess (speaking to Mr. Van Adam)
    Gouty? Ah, you and Pearl would sympathize. Let me introduce you to my daughter. Mr. Van Adam—Lady Pearl McAndrew.

    Van Adam (bowing)
    Charmed.

    Pearl
    I am not gouty, mother, I am only melancholy. And that is because I cannot, I will not blind myself to the actual condition of the world around me.

    Duchess
    Oh, my dear, Carlsbad would cure you. (to Mr. Van Adam) But, unfortunately, I cannot afford to send her there just at present.

    Rodney
    I believe that in the climate of Florida gout is practically unknown. My friend Lord Bernard Roche, Lord Bernard Roche, now in New York City, tells me so.

    Van Adam
    Oh, yes. Lord Bernard, oh yes, certainly.

    Rodney
    Lord Bernard is a man to go confidently into any trouble.

    Van Adam
    Oh, certainly. Most undoubtedly, yes.

    Duchess
    But, in London, you must forget all your troubles. London is the most cheerful place imaginable.

    Pearl (distraught)
    Oh, mother!

    Duchess
    Yes, Pearl, for a healthy person. No doubt you are staying for the season.

    Van Adam (after looking at Mrs. Verulam)
    Yes.

    Duchess
    Well, then, you will soon be quite cheerful again. I'd warrant you have been over before, I suppose.

    Van Adam
    Paris, not London.

    Pearl
    London is horrible. The Bois de Boulogne makes me sick.

    (Enter butler)

    Butler
    Mr. Ingerstall.

    Ingerstall (entering on Pearl's last line)
    Paris is the only place in the world.

    Pearl
    Really!

    Ingerstall (getting tea from Mrs. Verulam)
    Really. There is no art except in Paris. No possibility of dining out of Paris. No good dressmaker beyond the limits of Paris. No perfect language except the perfect language of Paris. No gaiety, no verve, no acting, no dancing, no love-making worthy of the name, except in Paris.

    Duchess
    Then, Mr. Ingerstall, why on earth do you always live in London?

    Ingerstall
    Because I find more caricatures here. (to Mrs. Verulam) Please introduce me to that gentleman.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mr. Ingerstall—Mrs. . . . Mr. Van Adam.

    (They bow to each other.)

    Ingerstall
    You know Paris?

    Van Adam
    Yes, quite well.

    Ingerstall
    You agree with me, then?

    Van Adam
    Certainly.

    Ingerstall
    There, your Grace, you see: there are others of my opinion.

    Duchess
    Ah, but Mr. Van Adam doesn't know London yet.

    Rodney
    Oh, he must.

    Ingerstall
    Then, I'll show it to him! Oh, I'll show it to him. Oh, I'll show Mr. Adams London!

    Rodney
    Van Adam.

    (Ingerstall looks puzzled at first.)

    Ingerstall
    Mr. Van Adam, London. Will you come with me?

    Van Adam
    Thank you very much.

    Ingerstall
    That's settled then! And then, we'll see, Duchess, whether this gentleman doesn't swear by blessed Paris to the end of his life.

    Duchess
    Really, Mr. Ingerstall, you ought to go to the morgue instead of heaven when you die! (turning to Mrs. Verulam) What are your plans for the season, Mrs. Verulam? Are you going to Ascot?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I haven't thought much about it yet.

    Rodney (sternly)
    Mrs. Verulam has secured through me—

    Ingerstall
    You really ought to run across the Channel to Longchamps for the races—

    Duchess (ignoring Ingerstall and addressing Rodney)
    Indeed! Which house do you mean?

    Rodney
    Ribton Marches.

    Duchess
    The Bun Emperor's palace! Mrs. Verulam, you are a public benefactor. Is Mr. Van Adam to be of your party?

    Mrs. Verulam (helplessly)
    Yes.

    Duchess
    Ribton Marches is a palace. It would hold a regiment.

    Rodney
    Oh, I scarcely thing Mr. Lite would care to entertain a—

    Duchess
    I know Mr. Lite very well—a most worthy generous man. He has given me thousands of buns.

    Ingerstall (maliciously)
    Does your Grace eat so many? If you want a really perfect bun, go to the maison—

    Duchess (sharply)
    For the poor children. All we have had to do is let the good man use our name in his advertising. Have you made up your house party yet?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Not yet. The house is—

    Duchess
    Palace.

    Mrs. Verulam
    —scarcely settled yet.

    Rodney
    I'll settle it tonight!

    Duchess
    If your party is not made up, Mrs. Verulam, I am sure the Duke and I and Lady Pearl will be most happy to join it.

    Pearl
    Indeed, mother, I do not wish—

    Duchess
    My dear, nonsense; it will do your gout a deal of good, breathing pine laden air—if Mrs. Verulam can find room for you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I shall be delighted.

    Duchess
    Then that is settled. (rising) It will be an advantage to you to have me at Ribton Marches, because I know all the ins and outs of the place. Well, really, we must be getting on. Come, Pearl.

    Pearl (rising and winking at Mr. Van Adam)
    Come and see us.

    Mr. Van Adam Many thanks.

    Pearl
    Come tomorrow. Mrs. Verulam will give you our address.

    Van Adam
    With pleasure.

    Pearl
    Goodbye, Mr. Ingerstall. Perhaps you won't mind just coming out with us to hail a cab?

    (Ingerstall rises. Exit Pearl and the Duchess.)

    Ingerstall (to Mrs. Van Adam)
    I'll come tomorrow morning to show you London. (exiting)

    Mrs. Verulam (hoping to get rid of Mr. Rodney)
    You mustn't forget your engagement, Mr. Rodney.

    Rodney
    I am not likely to forget any detail of my service to you. But we do not dine till half past eight.

    Mrs. Verulam
    The trains are slow on your line, I believe.

    Rodney
    Still, they do not take three hours to do six miles.

    Mrs. Verulam (closing her eyes and whispering)
    The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want—

    Rodney (craftily)
    I have heard much of you, Mr. Van Adam.

    Van Adam
    Indeed?

    Rodney
    Yes, I have even had the pleasure of writing a little word about you.

    Van Adam
    May I ask where?

    Rodney (tapping the paper)
    Here.

    Van Adam
    Indeed!

    Mrs. Verulam
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures—

    Rodney
    May I have the pleasure of showing you. You will notice a slight mistake at the close. It would not have crept in had I known that we were to have the unexpected pleasure of welcoming you to London. I shall be glad to rectify my error next week.

    Van Adam
    I am obliged to you.

    Rodney
    In the meanwhile, anything I can do to render your—short—stay among us agreeable, I shall be only too happy—

    Mrs. Verulam
    My cup runneth over.

    Rodney
    Mitching Dean, my home, is entirely at your disposal. Mitching Dean has an admirable rose garden.

    Van Adam
    Roses! Ah, English roses are exquisite. I have some dark red ones in my room here.

    Rodney
    Dark red roses—in your room? (surveying the room, then turning to Mrs. Verulam in horror) My train! I must catch it! I must go! I must indeed! (low to Mrs. Verulam) Betrayer! Traitress! (aloud) My train! Goodbye.

    (Mr. Rodney exits hurriedly in some disorder. After a moment Mrs. Van Adam bursts into tears and Mrs. Verulam into laughter. They are both in hysterics.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Chloe!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Daisy!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, oh, oh.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Ah, ah, ah.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Don't, or I shall begin again. (pause) But, how could you?

    Mrs. Van Adam
    But, why did you say nobody would be let in?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I told Marriner. She must have forgotten to tell James.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Oh, Daisy, I wonder if it would be possible—

    Mrs. Verulam
    No, no!

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Oh, yes, yes!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Poor Mr. Rodney. They were his roses I put in your room, Chloe.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    But Marriner—

    Marriner (appearing suddenly)
    Yes, ma'am.

    Mrs. Van Adam
    Marriner will keep the secret.

    Marriner
    With my very best blood, ma'am! With my very best blood!

    CURTAIN

    ACT II

    Scene I. Ribton Marches, the palace of the Bun Emperor. The Emperor follows the Empress in. The Empress is evidently upset and is crying.

    Emperor
    My dear! My dear!

    Empress
    What's the good of my dear this and my dear that! It's done and it can't be undone.

    Emperor
    I can't go back on my word, Henrietta.

    Empress
    Then, why give it? All for a bit of publicity that won't sell half a million buns.

    Emperor
    I think you underrate Lady Sophia Tree's influence. She will have very great weight in infant circles.

    Empress
    Well, even if she sells a million, it ain't worth it!

    Emperor
    Is not, Henrietta, is not.

    Empress
    Bother! I said ain't.

    Emperor (trying to placate her)
    If I had not secured Lady Sophia's endorsement when I had the opportunity, it would have haunted me the rest of my life. Go for the names. That's always been my motto. Go for the names.

    Empress
    Yes, go for the names—and go out of our home!

    Emperor
    Don't my dear, don't.

    Empress
    To be turned out in the streets at this time of our lives! And these Londoners— Oh, what will they do to the place? (sobbing) I can't bear it.

    Emperor
    Do to the place? Let them try it. Mr. Harrison has his orders.

    Empress
    Orders to do what?

    Emperor
    Ah, let them try it. Let them only try and they will repent it, Henrietta, to the last day of their lives.

    Empress
    What are you going to do?

    Emperor
    My duty!

    Empress
    What then? These 'ere Londoners ain't coming?

    Emperor
    Are not, my dear, are not. Yes, come they must. But Mr. Harrison has orders to keep an eye on them—morning, noon, and night.

    Empress
    Night—what the ladies?

    Emperor
    Only till they retire, of course. If they damage the bedrooms, they shall answer for it.

    Empress
    Ah, what a man you are!

    Emperor
    They shall find out what sort of a man I am if they try their tricks here. If so much as a bit of wood is chipped off, or so much as one parrot is missing, they'll repent it to their lives' end, they will.

    Empress
    Having it out of them won't make it up to us for all we have to go through.

    Emperor (sighing)
    It's only for six days.

    Empress
    It will seem six years. And the cottage. Why was it only made to hold a fisherman?

    Emperor
    My dear, the house in Camberwell was small.

    Empress
    And so were we, then. But we're a bit bigger now.

    Emperor
    I do believe I've been a fool.

    Empress
    You've never spoken a truer word. All I say is don't let that Mr. Rodney come near me. Do they bring their own linen?

    Emperor
    I'm afraid that we have to provide everything but the food.

    Empress
    Oh, Perry, Perry, that it should come to this!

    Emperor
    Still, Mrs. Verulam is—

    Empress (interrupting)
    A silly sounding name!

    Emperor
    She's the one who pays the rent.

    Empress
    Mr. Van Adam. I call that a low name. I never could abide Bible names. Never trust a man with a Bible name.

    Emperor
    The Duchess of Southborough.

    Empress
    She's better.

    Emperor
    Yes, her Grace does know a good bun.

    Empress
    Mr. Hyacinth Rodney! Fiddle! Foul breath! Mr. Ingerstall. What do you think of him?

    Emperor
    Sounds like one of those nasty fellows that go worming themselves about in places where they've no business. He'd better not let Mr. Harrison catch him worming himself about when he's here! Henrietta, even if I have to turn them all out, neck and crop! Mr. James Bush. Bush, James Bush. Well, Henrietta?

    Empress
    I don't know what to think of it. It's not a name to marry.

    Emperor
    Is it a name to have in our home? A name to have sleeping in our beds?

    Empress
    Ah, is it?

    Emperor
    I have my doubts. Shall we ask Mr. Harrison, my dear? We can always rely on him. He can judge of a name on first hearing.

    Empress
    We might do worse.

    Emperor (calling loudly)
    Harrison!

    Harrison (the butler enters after a moment)
    Yes, sir.

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison, I believe you are a man of the world.

    Harrison
    I am, sir.

    Emperor
    You can judge of a name at first hearing, I presume?

    Harrison
    Sir?

    Emperor
    You can tell what you think about a name the first time you hear it?

    Harrison
    Oh certainly, sir! Oh, most certainly!

    Emperor
    Very well then. Now, give me your attention, if you please. I have here the name James Bush. James Bush.

    Harrison
    Indeed, sir, indeed.

    Emperor
    Well, Mr. Harrison? Well?

    Harrison
    Not at all, sir. Oh, dear no; not at all. By no means.

    Emperor
    And, what do you mean by that, Mr. Harrison?

    Harrison
    James Bush, sir, oh dear, no, sir! James bush, not at all, by no means, on no account whatever!

    Emperor
    There, Henrietta! There! You see what Mr. Harrison thinks of him. A feller like that! A feller like that! Mr. Harrison, we depend upon you entirely in this affair! Keep your eye on him!

    Harrison
    Sir!

    Emperor
    I say, keep you eye especially on that feller James Bush.

    Harrison
    Certainly, sir.

    Emperor
    Don't let him be too much for you, Mr. Harrison. He may have ways, there's no knowing. But, I hold you responsible.

    Harrison
    I shall see to him, sir. Depend upon me.

    Emperor
    We do, don't we, Henrietta?

    Empress (sobbing)
    Mercy knows, we do.

    Harrison
    I shall not disappoint you, madame. I shall know how to act.

    Emperor
    I believe that. And, I may add that, if you should cop— If you should catch this feller James Bush at any of his games—you understand.

    Harrison
    Certainly, sir.

    Emperor
    And, if you should be one too many for him, we shall not forget it. You will have no reason to regret hereafter any steps you need to take. You understand?

    Harrison
    Quite so, sir. I shall take them, sir. You may depend.

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison.

    Harrison
    Sir.

    Emperor
    Remember, they are not to feed the parrots. On no account are they to tamper with the parrots.

    Harrison
    Certainly not, sir.

    Emperor
    If you see any symptom to do anything of that kind, you are to check it, Harrison.

    Harrison
    If I see any symptom—I am to check it.

    Emperor
    If a single parrot goes wrong, my wife will hold you responsible, Mr. Harrison. You understand that? (Harrison bows in affirmation) The pup we shall take with us, Mr. Harrison.

    Harrison
    The pup you will take—

    Emperor
    Don't echo me, Mr. Harrison, don't echo me. I will not allow myself to be echoed.

    Harrison
    Certainly not, sir. Oh, by no means.

    Emperor (seeing a long telescope)
    Pack that telescope. With that I shall be able to command a considerable portion of the grounds. If I see anything going on here of which I disapprove, I shall summon you by telephone. You will hold yourself in readiness.

    Harrison
    I shall, sir.

    Emperor
    Each morning, you will be round by eight o'clock with your report.

    Harrison (pained)
    By eight, sir?

    Emperor
    Well, seven if you prefer it. I shall be up. I shall be ready.

    Harrison (eagerly)
    Oh, eight will be fine, sir. I shall be round by eight.

    Emperor
    Be careful to omit nothing from that report. Make it ample. I shall have damages out of these people if they dare exceed in any way—or behave in an unseemly manner. You have your own idea of what is unseemly, Mr. Harrison?

    Harrison
    Oh, decidedly so, sir.

    Emperor
    Then, I shall hold you responsible. Henrietta?

    Empress
    Darling.

    Emperor
    Are you ready?

    Empress (dejected)
    Oh, is it time?

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison.

    Harrison
    Sir?

    Emperor
    Is it time? Have you the paper? (Harrison nods twice) Read it out.

    Harrison
    Arrivals, Monday, June 10th—at 12:30: Mrs. Verulam, Mr. Rodney, Mr. Van Adam—with Mrs. Marriner, maid. At 3:15: Mr. James Bush.

    Emperor
    Enough, Mr. Harrison. I give you warning!

    Harrison (stupefied) Give me warning, sir! Am I to go, sir? (faints)

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison! Get up! Get up from the floor, sir. Come, come, Mr. Harrison. Rise. Be a man. A glass of water, my dear.

    Empress (runs about and returns with water)
    Here.

    Emperor
    There, there—you're spilling it. You mistook my meaning.

    Harrison (weakly)
    Sir?

    Emperor
    I meant that I give you warning that we will hold you responsible for Mr. Bush.

    Harrison (recovering)
    Oh, certainly, sir! I beg pardon! Oh, by no—by all means.

    Emperor
    The time has come when we must leave you. We go with breaking hearts.

    Empress
    We do, we do.

    Emperor
    Do your duty, but don't be put upon. Don't be a slave.

    Harrison
    Hear, hear!

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison!

    Harrison
    Sir!

    Emperor
    Is the pony cart at the door?

    Harrison
    It is, sir! Oh, most decidedly.

    Emperor
    Goodbye.

    (The Empress faints.)

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison.

    Harrison
    Sir!

    Emperor
    Help me with the missus. Prepare for the Londoners.

    (Lights dim, then go up. The Londoners begin to arrive. Enter Mrs. Van Adam, dressed as a man, with Mr. Rodney, Mrs. Verulam, etc.)

    Van Adam
    Oh, what an enormous house. We shall be lost in it!

    Rodney
    I assure you, it is quite cozy.

    (Harrison comes forward, observing them like a Bobby guarding against the theft of the crown jewels.)

    Harrison
    I am Harrison.

    Mrs. Verulam
    What a very remarkable looking man. He seems anxious. Is he ill?

    Rodney
    Oh no, I think not. I fancy he superintends the servants.

    Van Adam
    He appears to me like a detective who hasn't mastered the first principle of his profession.

    Rodney (blandly)
    And, may I ask what that is?

    Van Adam
    Not to look like one, old chap.

    Parrot voices Hallelujah. Polly dreadful drunk. What's o'clock, Polly?

    (Sound of corks popping.)

    Rodney
    Pray, don't be alarmed.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Is it the same man?

    Rodney
    No, no. They are only the Bun Emperor's talking parrots.

    (Rodney, Mrs. Verulam, and Van Adam exit. After a moment a phone bell rings.)

    Harrison (going to the phone)
    Yes, sir. Yes, sir. (pause) I was in the hall watching. (pause) Not much to look at, sir. (pause) I didn't take particular notice. (pause) Rely on me, sir. (pause) The parrots shall not be tampered with. (pause) Mr. Bush, sir. (pause) I will indeed. (pause) He shall not, sir. (pause) Oh, most decidedly, sir.

    (Reenter Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam.)

    Van Adam
    Mr. Rodney's getting very officious, almost as bad as that horrid little Mr. Ingerstall. He wants Harry to shave me!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Don't let him, Chloe. Don't be shaved!

    Van Adam
    My dear, is it likely? I told him I always did it myself.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I wonder Mr. Rodney hasn't more tact. I keep forgetting you're a man. When shall I remember?

    Van Adam
    Perhaps when you get no more invitations.

    Mrs. Verulam
    The goal is in sight.

    Van Adam
    Well, you are the most extraordinary creature. Daisy, the Duchess means mischief.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I know.

    Van Adam
    I'm surprised she came.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I'm not. She is a woman of courage and resource. In spite of all, she has hopes for you and Lady Pearl. And besides, she hasn't got another invitation for Ascot.

    Van Adam
    Lady Pearl is rather a shame. Still, I've cured her of the gout.

    Mrs. Verulam
    He'll be here soon. I'm so excited.

    Van Adam
    He! Oh, of course, Mr. Bush. Now, don't spoil everything by flirting with James Bush instead of with me.

    Mrs. Verulam
    James Bush never flirts. He doesn't know the meaning of the word. (spying Rodney) Oh, here you are, Mr. Rodney.

    Rodney (suspiciously)
    Yes, here I am.

    (A loud noise off.)

    Rodney
    What's all this? What the devil is it all?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dear me! Can this be Mr. Bush already?

    Rodney
    I fancy so.

    (Enter Bush.)

    Van Adam
    By Jove, Bungay Marshes to the front.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, Mr. Bush, I am so glad to see you. Let me introduce you to Mr. Rodney and Mr. Van Adam. The rest of the party comes later.

    Bush (to Harrison, who is peering from behind a plant)
    What are you after?

    Harrison (emerging)
    Oh, nothing, sir, not at all, by no means.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Really, Mr. Rodney. That man is becoming very unnecessary. Can't you keep him in order?

    Rodney
    I will endeavor. I will certainly endeavor.

    Mrs. Verulam (to Bush)
    Would you like to go to your room, or will you rest a little first?

    Bush (pointing to a chaise lounge)
    I'll rest there. I'll have a lie down. A good lie down.

    (Bush and Rodney go out.)

    Mrs. Verulam (eagerly)
    Well, dear, well?

    Van Adam
    Well—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Isn't he—simple—straightforward—natural?

    Van Adam
    Oh, quite, quite natural.

    Mrs. Verulam
    After all the shams and hypocrisies of society, what a contrast, what a relief!

    Van Adam
    Yes.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I knew (kissing Van Adam) you would agree with me.

    Van Adam
    Daisy, don't!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, heavens! Could anyone have seen?

    Van Adam
    No, it's all right. I believe Mr. Bush is the largest human being I have ever seen.

    (Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam exit. After a moment, enter Mr. Ingerstall, the Duchess, the Duke, and Lady Pearl from another direction.)

    Ingerstall
    I think the French way of doing things is by far the best. A Frenchman marries not with the intent of resigning his freedom, but of gaining it.

    Duchess (icily)
    The French point of view is scarcely a suitable subject of discussion.

    Duke
    Gaining his freedom, ha, ha—!

    (The Duke and Ingerstall wander out. Lady Pearl retires, leaving the Duchess with Mr. Rodney.)

    Duchess (icily)
    She has been going too far, Mr. Rodney. She has disgusted London.

    Rodney
    Disgusted London? Oh, no, impossible!

    Duchess
    You think nothing could, but you are wrong. There is a limit, even in our world, and she has overstepped it. You will see tomorrow in the Enclosure. Martha Sage intends to cut her.

    Rodney
    Impossible.

    Duchess
    Nothing is impossible to Martha Sage. I assure you, it is fact.

    Rodney (passionately)
    It must be prevented. It must, it shall!

    Duchess
    I don't see how it can be. You don't know Martha Sage.

    Rodney
    But, indeed, I do. She has often dandled me in her arms.

    Duchess (amazed)
    What, recently?

    Rodney (distractedly)
    Yes, yes. Often.

    Duchess
    Possibly you may have some influence over her then. And, if what you say is true, I hardly think Martha has the right to take the initiative.

    Rodney
    When I was a little boy.

    Duchess
    Oh, that's nothing. She dandled everybody. But she doesn't allow anybody to influence her decisions.

    Rodney
    Then, Mrs. Verulam must be kept out of the Enclosure. She must and shall!

    Duchess
    That will only delay the matter. In fact, Mr. Rodney, and this I tell you in the strictest confidence, if I don't observe a very great change in Mrs. Verulam's behavior during this week, I am very much afraid that I shall be obliged to agree with Martha. And now, it is tea time.

    (Exit the Duchess and Mr. Rodney. Enter Marriner and Mrs. Verulam from a different direction.)

    Marriner
    Oh, ma'am!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Why do you say “Oh,” Marriner? What should you have to say “Oh" about?

    Marriner
    Many things, ma'am, many things.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Have many more thoughts taken you like a storm?

    Marriner
    They have, indeed, ma'am.

    Mrs. Verulam
    If you think so much, you ought to keep a life boat about you.

    Marriner
    Might I speak, ma'am?

    Mrs. Verulam
    You may, certainly.

    Marriner
    Ma'am, I've heard a dreadful thing.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dreadful! What about?

    Marriner
    About you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Who from?

    Marriner
    From Mrs. Crouch, ma'am, her Grace's woman.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Indeed.

    Marriner
    Oh, ma'am, she says, ma'am, that Lady Sage is—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Don't break down, Marriner.

    Marriner
    She says that, oh, that Lady Sage is going to have nothing at all to do with you in the Enclosure tomorrow, ma'am. Oh dear, dear me! Oh, ma'am, don't go—don't go there. We should not place ourselves between the feet of our enemies, ma'am; no, no, we should not.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dear me—

    Marriner
    There is worse, ma'am. There is treachery, indeed, and there is treason, ma'am—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Really, one would think that Guy Fawkes was staying in the house.

    Marriner
    No, ma'am. Indeed, it is not him.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Then, who is it?

    Marriner
    The Duchess.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Really?

    Marriner
    And it is all because of Mrs. Van Adam. Oh, do please tell them, ma'am.

    (Enter Rodney.)

    Rodney
    Could I have a word with you?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Certainly.

    (Exit Marriner, weeping.)

    Rodney
    Where do you think of watching the races tomorrow, may I venture to ask?

    Mrs. Verulam
    The Enclosure, of course.

    Rodney
    Shall we sit down for a minute? (they sit) The Enclosure! Don't you think it likely to be excessively hot?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Why especially hot in the Enclosure?

    Rodney
    Well, you know, it is so much more crowded than any other part of the course. Don't you think so?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Where else shall I go?

    Rodney
    I have ventured to take a couple of excellent boxes. You see one or two of our party—Mr. Ingerstall and Mr. Bush have not got cards for the Enclosure.

    Mrs. Verulam
    It is very good and thoughtful of you. Still, I think I shall go to the Enclosure. Mr. Van Adam is anxious to see what it is like.

    Rodney (stiffening)
    Indeed.

    Mrs. Verulam
    And then, there are all my friends, especially Lady Sage and—

    Rodney
    Lady Sage grows a little wearisome, I fancy.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Do you think so? Oh, I love her recollections.

    Rodney
    I think her too historical for hot summer weather, I confess—and then, her insatiable appetite for dates.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, surely she wouldn't eat dates in the Enclosure.

    Rodney
    The dates of battles, dear lady, not dried fruits. Really, if you prefer to go to the Enclosure, I strongly, very strongly advise you to avoid Lady Sage. She is agreeable in a drawing room, but very Crimean, I do assure you, on a race-course. Do give me your word. I cannot bear to see you bored!

    Mrs. Verulam
    You are all kindness. I must go to the Enclosure. But I shall probably not see Lady Sage.

    Rodney (aside)
    Thank God!

    (Reenter the Duke with Bush and several others.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, Mr. Bush.

    Bush
    You've got nice company here!

    Mrs. Verulam
    What?

    Bush
    Well, I'm blowed! You've got nice company.

    Mrs. Verulam' I hope so, indeed.

    Bush
    Mad, I suppose. Mad as Moses!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Ah, Mr. Bush, you mustn't make joke of so serious a subject as madness.

    Bush
    Joke! There's no joke! Where's the joke of being potted at like a rook in January? Joke, indeed—joke!

    Mrs. Verulam
    A rook in January?

    Bush
    Ah, if I'd have stayed, he'd have had me. I wasn't eight paces off him.

    Duke
    Unless the man's a remarkably poor shot, I must say, I think Mr. Bush stood in some slight danger. Did you not stay then?

    Bush
    Stay? Not I! I just ducked down on all fours and came back like a beast through the rhododendrons.

    Duke (pleasantly)
    A very sensible posture and mode of exit under the circumstances. (to Mrs. Verulam) Who's your sportsman?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I have no idea. Oh, Mr. Bush, I can scarcely tell you how grieved I am, how horrified I am, that you should have been so nearly murdered— and so soon after your arrival, too.

    Bush
    I should think so! A nice thing to happen to a respectable man!

    Mrs. Verulam (bitterly)
    Mr. Rodney, you never told me there was a murderer living in this neighborhood!

    Rodney
    I never knew it. (to Bush) Where did this incident occur?

    Bush
    I was walking in the garden looking at the mistakes the gardener here's been making.

    Rodney
    Yes, yes?

    Bush
    Presently, I came to a bit of a pond, with flowers afloating on it.

    Rodney
    Ah—and a cottage on the farther side?

    Bush
    Ay, where he fires from.

    Rodney
    The Bun Emperor.

    Duke
    Very unsportsmanlike to shoot from cover. Game haven't got a chance.

    Bush
    You're right there, chum, they haven't. Not unless they're as quick at dropping on all fours as I am.

    Rodney
    But, did you do anything?

    Bush
    No. I saw a fattish, smallish feller and a fattish, smallish woman by his side, staring out.

    Rodney
    The Empress, too. Well?

    Bush
    I didn't take any great account of them at first. I put my stick across the water to lay hold of some of the lilies, when, what does the fattish man do, but shout out: “If you do it, I'll skin you.” I didn't choose to notice his nonsense, and I just got hold of a lily when what do I see, but him with a gun at his shoulder about to fire away. So away I came, like a beast through the bush.

    Rodney
    The Bun Emperor is very touchy about his property.

    Duke
    A defender of the rights of property. A good conservative.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Still, he goes too far. Mr. Rodney, I must ask you to be kind enough to tell the Bun Emperor that I cannot have my house party shot at. Make it perfectly clear, please. As a hostess, I cannot, and will not, permit anything of that kind.

    Rodney
    Certainly, certainly. I see your point of view.

    BLACKOUT

    SCENE II. When the lights go up, Rodney is explaining the situation with the Bun Emperor to Mr. Bush and Mrs. Verulam.

    Rodney (to Bush)
    You are perfectly safe; you will not be hurt, I can promise you. Nobody will attempt to injure you.

    Mrs. Verulam
    You have persuaded him then? I knew you would have weight with him.

    Rodney
    My dear lady, I am happy to say that you have been totally misinformed as to the circumstances.

    Bush (growling)
    What? What?

    Rodney (standing his ground)
    Totally and absolutely misinformed.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Really, Mr. Rodney, what are you saying? Mr. Bush has been shot at.

    Rodney (blandly)
    I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon.

    Bush
    If I hadn't dropped, I shouldn't be here now.

    Rodney
    I assure you, my dear Mr. Bush, that you are laboring under an entire delusion. You might, with perfect safety, have retained an upright posture. It's true that Mr. Lite made use of some hasty, inconsiderate words about skinning—

    Bush (triumphantly)
    There! (roaring) What did I say?

    Rodney (aside)
    Of which I entirely approve. (aloud) But, the words were rather metaphysical. As to the firing, however, you are quite mistaken. What you took for a gun was merely a large telescope. When you thought you were being shot at, you were merely being looked at.

    Bush (indignant, he knows what he knows)
    Telescope, indeed! Telescope, I dare say.

    Rodney (smugly)
    There is an appreciable difference between the two operations. I think you will allow that. So, you see, Mr. Lite can hardly be blamed at all.

    Mrs. Verulam
    He should be more careful the way he looks at people!

    Duke
    Well, well, it's good it's all settled. It's going to be a long day at Ascot tomorrow, and a top hat is not very comfortable in the heat.

    Bush
    Top hats are rubbish. I've only brought a straw.

    Rodney (flabbergasted)
    But—

    Bush
    I shan't wear naught but a straw tomorrow.

    Duke
    I hate to be overdressed.

    Rodney
    I beg your pardon. (trembling) I beg your pardon, but I must venture to say that I feel certain Major Clement will turn a straw hat off the lawn.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I quite agree with Mr. Bush, a straw hat is much more sensible.

    Rodney (in anguish)
    Merciful heavens—

    Mrs. Verulam
    But, sometimes custom must be adhered to. Don't you think so, Mr. Bush?

    Bush (surprised)
    Eh?

    Mrs. Verulam (reasonably)
    Every man will be wearing a top hat tomorrow.

    Bush
    I've hoed and I've planted in a straw hat for thirty years.

    Rodney (quickly)
    There's no hoeing and planting on a race-course.

    Duke
    It would make the going a bit heavy.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I fancy, Mr. Bush, that as you will not have an opportunity of hoeing tomorrow, you will find it really pleasanter to be as everyone else is.

    Bush
    I haven't a-brought one. I say, I've only brought a straw.

    Rodney
    We must send a man to Windsor. (to Harrison who is passing by) Kindly bring us a yard measure.

    Harrison
    Oh, sir, oh, on no account.

    CURTAIN

    ACT III

    Scene I. Same as in Act II. It is late the next night.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Where is Mr. Bush and Mr. Ingerstall?

    Rodney (lazily)
    I can't imagine.

    Duchess
    I dare say Mr. Bush is on a roundabout (merry-go-round). You say he is fond of being rustic, Mrs. Verulam?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Yes, but not in that way, I hope.

    Duchess
    It all goes together, love for the country and a passion for riding wooden horses to the sound of music. Depend upon it, Mr. Bush is on a roundabout.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dear me! Mr. Rodney—

    Rodney
    If Mr. Bush is fond of horse exercise, I think he should be permitted to enjoy it in all freedom.

    Duke
    There's a great deal of knack in sitting a wooden horse. Some people never acquire it. I knew a very excellent clergyman who was thrown three times by a deal cob which his cook rode perfectly the very first try.

    Miss Bindler You ought always to give a horse of that material its head. If you try to hold him, you're done.

    Pearl
    Do you like Ascot, Mr. Van Adam?

    Van Adam
    It's heavenly. Like a dream.

    Pearl
    Have you nothing of the kind in America?

    Van Adam
    How can we when we have no aristocracy? Oh, I should like to make it my life's mission to create a grand aristocracy. I would begin by getting baronets—they should be the thin edge of the wedge—and everything else would follow.

    Duke
    To Burke instead of battle—an army of armorial bearings!

    Duchess (to Mrs. Verulam)
    Is Mr. Van Adam to be much longer with you?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I am afraid not in London. But we may go to Paris together in a week or two.

    Duchess
    Indeed! (furiously) Indeed!

    Mrs. Verulam (coolly)
    Or on the continent.

    Rodney (to himself)
    Is she mad?

    (Enter Mr. Bush and Mr. Ingerstall. Bush's top hat is askew, and he has coconuts under his arm.)

    Ingerstall
    I would give one year of my life to take Mr. Bush to Montmartre. How he would appreciate it. He understands the exquisite poetry of vulgarity. He knows the bizarre effect of the roundabout—he—

    Duchess
    The roundabout? Didn't I say so?

    Duke
    You've been riding? Good exercise. Did you get a decent horse?

    Bush
    Haw!

    Ingerstall
    Splendid animal. I rode a pink, he a delicate green. I really never enjoyed Ascot so much—never!

    Mrs. Verulam (delighted)
    How original you are—and how bravely simple.

    Rodney (aside)
    She is mad!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Should we not all learn to find pleasure in what nature provides us? Instead of creating artificial amusements to titillate our baser appetites?

    Van Adam (musing)
    Does nature provide apple green horses?

    Rodney (quivering with indignation)
    Nature? Nature is scarcely decent!

    Duke
    And all the better for that!

    Mrs. Verulam
    The true path of pleasure lies where we never seek it, far, far from the conventions with which we surround ourselves. Oh, why, why are we so blind?

    Rodney
    I beg your pardon, I can see perfectly well—and—

    Mrs. Verulam
    You think you can see—as the blind man does when he mistakes men for trees walking.

    Rodney
    I never made any such mistake. I never in my life supposed that I saw a tree taking active exercise. Really, I must protest.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Your very protestations prove your sad condition. But I, at least, will be blind no longer. Mr. Bush has opened my eyes. Mr. Bush stands to me for virtue.

    Duchess
    And what does Mr. Van Adam stand for?

    Mrs. Verulam (sweetly, slyly)
    Oh, everything. (to the Duchess) Mr. Bush, you must know, is full of maxims.

    Duchess
    Dear me! Is he related to a copy book?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh no! Not maxims of that kind. His are founded upon observation—of the world—of the earth. Aren't they, Mr. Bush?

    Bush
    There's naught like pea-poddin.

    Mrs. Verulam (wonderingly)
    Yes—yes.

    Bush
    Look after the sheep and the sheep'll look after you.

    Duchess
    I don't know that I should care to be looked after by a sheep. I don't consider a sheep to be an efficient animal.

    Bush
    They wont a deal of mendin, a deal of mendin.

    Duke (yawning)
    Because they have no minds!

    Mrs. Verulam
    It's what we bring to a thing, isn't it?

    Duchess
    What would you bring to a sheep?

    Bush
    Swedes to a sheep. Swedes. The stick to a woman.

    Duke (delighted)
    You believe in the rights of man, Mr. Bush? Eh? Eh? You stick to the old dispensation—the walnut tree cure? What? What?

    Pearl
    I should be very sorry for the man who laid a finger on me. Very!

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, Mr. Bush is only joking.

    Duchess (staring straight at Mrs. Verulam)
    A great many women would be the better for a whipping these days.

    Bush
    Never give a bullock sulfur—never do it, or you'll repent of it.

    Duke
    And how about the bullock?

    Bush
    Let the bullock alone, and the bullock'll let you alone.

    (Bush falls asleep, or appears to.)

    Rodney (aside)
    The Lord is my Shepherd—

    Ingerstall
    He's asleep, isn't he?

    Duchess (startled)
    Asleep? Who?

    Ingerstall (pulling out a sketchbook and rapidly sketching the sleeping giant)
    Yes, he is. I've got something to show you.

    Mrs. Verulam (hastily tugging up her skirts)
    What is it? Is it alive?

    Ingerstall
    I fancy it is. Look at that!

    Duchess
    It's very like. Very true to life. Don't you think so, Mrs. Verulam?

    Mrs. Verulam (looking)
    Is it a bullock?

    Ingerstall (pained)
    A bullock! It's Bush!

    Bush (startled)
    Bush! Who's a-wanting me? Is it time to begin hoeing? (silence) Who wants Bush, eh?

    Ingerstall
    I do. I ask you—is that a bullock, or is it you? Come, come, I ask you? Is that a bullock, or is it you?

    Bush
    Me! Me! What d'yer want?

    Ingerstall
    What I say! What I say!

    Bush (getting up and bending over Ingerstall's chair, holding both its arms in his gigantic paws)
    This, me!

    Duke (egging him on)
    Go it!

    Bush (bellowing at Ingerstall)
    I ask you, is this here a bullock, or is it me?

    Ingerstall (frightened, after a pause)
    It's a bullock.

    Bush (looking around triumphantly)
    That's all right.

    (Mrs. Verulam and Mr. Van Adam exchange a smile.)

    Duchess (aside, intercepting the glance)
    They're using Pearl. (getting up) Good night! (exit)

    Bush
    The Duchess is very quick on her pins. Did she enter a walking race?

    Duke
    Not since I married her.

    Bush
    She should. She'd stand a ten to one chance.

    (Bush falls back to sleep. After a bit of mimed conversation, the others go out. The light dims, then an old-fashioned telephone bell rings, repeatedly and wakes Bush.)

    Bun Emperor's voice Are you there? Damn you! Are you or aren't you there? Damn you! Are you there? Did I or did I not tell you you was to watch all night and be at the tube at three o'clock? Did I tell you or didn't I? If you aren't at the tube in another five minutes, tomorrow you shall be turned into the streets as surely as you are a living man! Into the streets you shall go, bag and baggage! Do you hear?

    (Bush, waking up, lights a candle and looks around. He finally finds the telephone, but has obviously never seen a telephone before. More furious ringing!)

    Bun Emperor's voice Are you there? Where are you? Where the blazes are you? Damn you, are you or aren't you there? What do you mean by it? Did I or did I not tell you to be there at three o'clock? Did I or did I not?

    Bush
    No!

    Bun Emperor Oh, you're there at last, are you? I wonder you have the impudence to come. Keep me dancing here for an hour and more!

    Bush
    Keep on dancing! Keep it up!

    Bun Emperor What do you say?

    Bush
    Dance away and be damned!

    Bun Emperor Tomorrow I'll skin you! D'ye hear what I say? Tomorrow when you come round with your report, I'll skin you!

    Bush
    I shan't come round.

    Bun Emperor (cannot believe his ears)
    What?

    Bush
    Got to blazes!

    Bun Emperor Why, damn you—

    Bush
    Keep your hair on!

    Bun Emperor You, you—

    Bush
    There's naught like pea-poddin.

    Bun Emperor I'll, I'll—

    Bush
    Look after the sheep and the sheep'll look after you.

    Bun Emperor Damn, damn. Double damn!

    Bush
    Never give a bullock sulfur, or you'll repent of it. Keep on dancing. Go to blazes, go! How's yourself? Has the dancing done for yer? Would you like to skin me now? Come on, I'm waiting to be skinned. Yes, I am. I'm ready for it. Come and skin me, come!

    (Bush, greatly satisfied with himself laughs and goes out. After a minute a sleepy Harrison comes in. The telephone bells rings again.)

    Bun Emperor If you don't come round, as sure as you're a living man, at the end of the week, I'll tear you limb from limb.

    Harrison (frightened)
    Sir!

    Bun Emperor If you don't come round—I say—by eight—

    Harrison
    But, sir, I shall be round. Depend upon me; I shall be there to the moment. Oh, most decidedly.

    Bun Emperor Oh, you're coming, are you?

    Harrison
    Oh, most certainly, sir. Could you doubt it?

    Bun Emperor Then, as soon as you come, I'll skin you!

    Harrison
    Sir!

    Bun Emperor At eight, I'll skin you—to—to the moment, I will; and Mrs. Lite says exactly similar.

    (Harrison faints.)

    BLACKOUT

    Scene II. The Bun Emperor's cottage the next morning. Harrison approaches a little bridge leading to the cottage. The Emperor spots him and comes out ready to do battle.

    Emperor
    Come on!

    Harrison (not budging an inch)
    Sir!

    Emperor
    Come on, or you'll repent of it to the last hour of your mortal life, you will.

    Harrison
    Oh, by all means, most certainly. Oh, most decidedly yes. Oh, indeed— rely on—

    Emperor
    Make haste!

    Empress
    Oh, you wicked, ungrateful man!

    Emperor
    Come in, this moment! (Harrison does not move) Come in! Do you defy me?

    Empress
    Wicked, wicked man!

    Harrison
    Let me explain, sir. Oh, indeed, I will explain.

    Emperor
    Coward! You know I can't come out to get at you! You know I've given my word to that fiddle-faced feller! Coward.

    Empress
    Cowardly custard!

    Harrison
    I will not come in to be skinned. No, I will not! No, I will not, if I stay here till the Doomsday, no, indeed!

    (The Empress and Emperor hold a whispered imperial conference.)

    Emperor (furiously)
    You'd better come in.

    (Harrison does not move, and this precipitates another whispered conference.)

    Emperor
    I'll keep my hands from you, but come in you shall!

    Harrison
    Sir!

    Emperor
    Come in, I say, and I'll keep my hands off you.

    Harrison
    And the missus, sir? She will not attempt to injure me? Oh, dear, no, no, on no account whatever.

    Empress (grudgingly)
    I won't either.

    Narrator Mr. Harrison's fear was extreme, so extreme that his mind became brilliant, and he formed a plan of campaign.

    Harrison
    Lord, sir, Lord. The doings of the Londoners. Their goings on! Their manners with the telephone! Their tamperings with the parrots. Their proceedings of a night time. Lord, sir, Lord! I am driven mad. It is no wonder, oh no, indeed! By no means. On no account whatever!

    Emperor
    The worst has come, Henrietta, the worst has come along.

    Harrison
    And worse than that, sir, you may depend upon me.

    Empress
    Our little home. They are breaking up our home. What did I say? What did I always and ever say?

    (The Emperor and Empress weep.)

    Harrison
    It began yesterday. It began with them throwing me from one of your hammocks—in which I was concealed to watch, according to your orders. Throwing me out on my face, sir, flat—and laughing at what they had done.

    Empress
    The brutes! The inhuman things! The brutes!

    Harrison
    It was Mr. Rodney what done it with his own hands—and Mrs. Verulam standing by and laughing to split her sides.

    Empress
    Hussy! Thieving hussy!

    Harrison
    But there was worse to come. I was watching Mr. Bush according to your directions at the telephone, punctual to the moment—when her ladyship came down dressed only in a shawl—and then Mr. Bush took me from behind, sir, like a coward, and if I escaped with my life, it is a wonder. Oh most decidedly, a wonder!

    Empress
    And only in her shawl!

    Emperor
    My dear, my love, remember the presence of Mr. Harrison.

    Empress (low to the Emperor)
    I'll skin you when he's gone!

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison, I was mistook. You have done your duty, and myself and Mrs. Lite shall not forget it. You will receive those perquisites which are your bounden due. Though, whatever you meant through the telephone, mercy only knows.

    Empress
    Yes, mercy knows.

    Harrison
    Through the telephone, sir. I was mad, sir. They had drove me mad— most decidedly, yes they had.

    Emperor
    Was you mad when you says dance away and be damned?

    Harrison
    Sir?

    Emperor
    Was you mad when you says to Mrs. Lite, “Go to blazes.”?

    Harrison
    Oh, most decidedly, oh undoubtedly I was, sir.

    Emperor
    And when you tells me to give a bullock sulfur?

    Harrison
    Did I, sir?

    Emperor
    Mr. Harrison, you did. And I was to keep my hair on, look after the sheep, and again be damned, Mr. Harrison.

    Harrison
    It was madness, sir. It was indeed. It must have been, oh, not a doubt of it! There can be no question—a bullock sulfur—dance and be damned. Oh dear! Oh dear! It was madness, oh most certainly.

    Emperor
    Enough, Mr. Harrison, enough! Mrs. Lite and me, believing that you was driven mad will overlook the expressions which should not have come from you to such as us. Enough, Mr. Harrison, enough.

    BLACKOUT

    Scene III. Ribton Marches, later that afternoon. The Duke, the Duchess, Lady Pearl, and Mr. Bush are in the gardens.)

    Duchess
    Dear me, what an influx of gardeners. It gives the grounds a crowded appearance. This must be a terribly expensive place to keep up.

    Bush
    If they keep on as they're keepin' now, there won't be a bloomin' flower within fifty miles of this place tomorrow.

    Duke
    If those men were my gardeners, I should have them up before the nearest magistrate for damaging my property. (to a waiter who offers tea) No tea, thanks. A whisky.

    Pearl
    How self conscious they look!

    Duchess
    Gardeners always do. They think themselves the only artistic people among the wage earning classes. Silly!

    (Enter Mr. Rodney, dripping wet.)

    Duke
    Wet? Much better to take your liquids internally.

    Rodney
    Wet? I am saturated! I am drenched! These liberties are really unpardonable. I must change. (exit)

    Duchess
    How very strange. They all appear to be watching us. Are they a party of mesmerists, do you think? Really, it can scarcely be mere idle curiosity.

    Pearl
    That one chap looks to me like a third rate detective.

    Duke
    They all look like third rate detectives.

    Van Adam (shocked)
    Detectives! (aside, glancing around warily) Do they know?

    Duke (aside)
    Must be after me, again. Been shadowed for forty-five years. (drawing Bush aside) See those men?

    Bush
    What?

    Duke
    See those men who watered Rodney?

    Bush
    Ha, ha. Rodney'll be sprouting. Rodney'll be sprouting.

    Duke
    They are detectives.

    Bush
    What are they a-doing? What are they here for?

    Duke
    I'll let you into a secret. They're here for me.—You're a bit of a dog yourself. You want watching, too, what? The husband who would trust you would soon find himself in Queer Street—what? (goes off, laughing)

    Bush (aside)
    Here's a go. The Duke must have set them on me. The Duchess must be mad for me. Here's a bit of fun. I'll have me a lie-down.

    (Bush sits and falls asleep. Reenter Rodney in a dry suit.)

    Pearl
    I hope you are none the worse for your immersion?

    Rodney
    I fear I cannot hope to escape rheumatic fever. To do so would indeed be foolish optimism.

    Duke
    It's not every man who can say, with truth, he's been followed by detectives almost five and forty years.

    Van Adam
    It is not every man who can say anything at all with truth.

    Duke
    Do you doubt my word?

    Van Adam
    I'll believe yours, if you'll believe mine.

    Duke
    What? Then, you're followed by detectives, too?

    (Lady Pearl comes up to Van Adam and the Duke.)

    Pearl
    Do you think it right to be happy, Mr. Van Adam? Do you think we are meant to have any joy here?

    Van Adam
    Oh dear, no. No, no! When we think all is going well, we are sure to see the gardeners. The gardeners are certain to come upon us.

    Pearl
    Do you think the misery of the world is caused by gardeners?

    Van Adam
    I do, indeed. I am perfectly certain of it.

    Pearl
    How strange! Why is it?

    Van Adam
    Because—we are all gardeners. Do we not garden each others' souls?

    Pearl
    How exquisitely thoughtful you are!

    Duchess
    Well, Mr. Bush, how do you like the great world?

    Bush (waking)
    Eh? (glancing suspiciously at the Duke) Eh?

    Duchess
    Do you find it very different from your marshes? I suppose there are only frogs there?

    Bush
    When I catch a frog, I go for it.

    Duchess
    When—? And where does the frog go?

    Bush
    Not far, not far!

    Duchess
    Dear me! I am afraid you're a bloodthirsty person like most men. But you're all the same; you must kill something. One man stalks a deer, another a frog. You shoot, I suppose?

    Bush
    No, I don't. Frog shootin' wouldn't pay. They go too slow.

    Duchess
    Heavens! The gardeners are all waiting at table. That creature with the sauce boat was clipping the hedge—and—

    Bush
    Hush, give over!

    Duchess
    Why? They—

    Bush
    Give over, I tell yer!

    Duchess
    What is it?

    Bush
    They ain't gardeners.

    Duchess
    What! They are really footmen?

    Bush
    They ain't footmen!

    Duchess
    Not footmen! Then, what sort of servants are they?

    Bush
    They ain't servants. Give over. Don't talk so loud.

    Duchess
    Not servants! Then what are they here for?

    Bush
    They're here for us.

    Duchess
    For us?

    Bush
    You and me—me and you!

    Duchess
    Me and you!

    Bush
    Ay, it's a go, ain't it?

    Duchess
    But, what on earth are they? Not—no—not dentists?

    Bush
    They're coppers! Don't holler!

    Duchess
    Coppers!?

    Bush
    Police. Private dicks.

    Duchess
    Private dicks?

    Bush
    A-watching of you and me—detectives! Give over, now; here's one a-coming.

    (The detective servant hands some tea clumsily.)

    Duchess
    But, who put them to watch us?

    Bush
    It's his doing.

    Duchess
    The Duke?

    Bush
    He thinks you and me is a-going on together.

    (The Duchess faints.)

    CURTAIN

    ACT IV

    Scene I. Same as last scene in Act III. The next evening. The Duke accosts Mr. Bliggins, head of the gardener/detectives.

    Duke (affably)
    What's your name?

    Bliggins
    Bliggins, sir.

    Duke
    Very well, Bliggins. Can you keep a quiet tongue in your head?

    Bliggins
    I can be dumb, sir, when necessary.

    Duke
    How nice to command your infirmities at will. You don't go blind when you go dumb, what?

    Bliggins
    I can prevent it, sir, if I am induced.

    Duke
    Do you know which of the gentlemen is Mr. James Bush?

    Bliggins
    Ain't he the thin gent as Smithers set to and soaked?

    Duke
    Hmm?

    Bliggins
    Beg pardon, sir?

    Duke
    Can you serve two masters, Mr. Bliggins?

    Bliggins
    I can, sir, if I am induced—paid in a proper manner, as you might say.

    Duke
    Very well. First, let me say, I know you. You're a detective, and you've been put here to watch me. Be quiet man! (hushing Bliggins' protests) I ought to know a third rate detective by this time, considering that for five and forty years— But, that is no matter. Lord Arthur Kempton's your employer, no doubt, or Sir John Morton. Hold your tongue! I've no time to hear your lies. Watch me as much as you like—but keep an eye on the man with the red beard.

    Bliggins
    Him as was talking so loud with the Duchess when she fainted.

    Duke
    The very man. James Bush—watch him!

    Bliggins
    I will, sir.

    Duke
    Day and night.

    Bliggins
    The charge for night duty— (the Duke presses money into his hands) I will, sir—day and night.

    Duke
    Now go away, and get dumb.

    (Exit the Duke and Mr. Bliggins in different directions. After a moment, enter the Duchess, Mrs. Verulam, and Mr. Van Adam.)

    Duchess
    I have known you for a long time, Mrs. Verulam. I remember you as a toddler.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Thank you.

    Duchess
    Not everyone can say as much.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I dare say not. No.

    Duchess
    Those were innocent days.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Toddlers are generally innocent, I suppose.

    Duke
    Innocent and open hearted.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Yes.

    Duchess
    In after life, it is different. The respectability of childhood becomes impaired.

    Mrs. Verulam (innocently)
    Does it?

    Duchess (staring pointedly at Mrs. Verulam and Mr. Van Adam)
    Does it not?

    Mrs. Verulam
    I don't know.

    Duchess
    I should have thought you did.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Why?

    Duchess
    Let me give you a piece of advice.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh, I like advice.

    Duchess
    Get rid of Mr. Van Adam. I speak as a true friend.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Why should I get rid of him?

    Duchess (turning purple)
    There are many reasons.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I know of none. Poor boy. He needs me in his loneliness.

    Duchess
    Good gracious! Gracious heavens!

    Mrs. Verulam
    We ought to be kind to those whom the world has treated cruelly. Poor Mr. Van Adam. Poor, dear fellow. (sighing)

    Duchess
    I am very ill. I am much upset.

    (The Duchess exits. As she leaves, the Duke peeps in; he is watching for any sign or signal between the Duchess and Mr. Bush. Van Adam approaches Mrs. Verulam, and Mr. Rodney darts in to prevent any possibility of a tete-a-tete.)

    Van Adam
    I do so want to tell you something. Have you read the “World”?

    Mrs. Verulam
    No; but I have something to— Oh! Good night, Mr. Rodney; I hope your rheumatic fever will be better in the morning.

    Rodney
    You are very good to say so, but I am thoroughly prepared for the worst.

    (Rodney obstinately stays put. Van Adam clenches her fists. Bush ambles up to say good night.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Good night, Mr. Bush. I must tell you what an impression your conduct at dinner made upon me.

    Bush
    Go along with yer! Rubbish! She's a deal too old.

    (Bush goes out and sits with the Duke who has been peeping in.)

    Mrs. Verulam (puzzled)
    Now, what did he mean by that?

    Ingerstall
    Damn it, there's no absinthe. In Paris, one is not deprived of necessities as one is in England. Why don't I live in Paris? (to Bliggins) Where the devil's the absinthe?

    Bliggins
    Beg pardon, sir.

    (Bliggins indicates to the Duke that he has been watching Bush.)

    Ingerstall
    Ventrebleu! Where is the absinthe, man? Haven't I told you that I don't drink those Scotch and Irish abominations?

    Bliggins
    Certainly not, sir, certainly not.

    Ingerstall (recognizing Bliggins)
    It's a gardener.

    Duke (overhearing)
    A gardener, Ingerstall! What nonsense!

    Ingerstall (stubbornly)
    It is. I observed him this afternoon. I remember his nose like a teapot, his eyes like marbles, his retreating chin, and protruding forehead, perfectly. His arms are too long for his body, and his legs too short for his height. He would make an admirable cartoon, admirable. I remember thinking so.

    Bliggins (weeping)
    Oh, sir.

    (Exit Bliggins in tears.)

    Ingerstall (calling after him)
    You're a beautiful subject, beautiful.

    Duke (viciously)
    You've frightened the fellow. Why didn't you leave him alone?

    Ingerstall
    Leave a monstrosity alone! Leave a human grotesque in ignorance of his superb infirmity! I'll draw him this minute.

    (Exit Ingerstall in great determination.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Would you mind fetching my fan, Mr. Rodney? I believe I left it on the table in the magenta boudoir.

    Rodney (determined not to leave)
    Forgive me if I send a servant for it. I can scarcely walk—this fever seems increasing upon me.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Dear, dear. Then you must not dream of going to the races.

    Rodney
    The fresh air will do me good.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mr. Van Adam can escort me. You must be wrapped at once in cotton wool and put in a darkened room with the temperature at least eighty.

    Rodney (fiercely)
    I consider it my duty not to spoil your week by—by giving way (looking at Van Adam) to illness, perhaps even to death.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mr. Rodney! I have been thinking—a cooling draught would do you good.

    Rodney (hysterically)
    It is most good of you, but I am perfectly cool—perfectly cool. Nothing is more dangerous to a rheumatic than a thorough draught.

    Pearl
    It would be fatal, simply fatal. It would carry him off in the twinkling of an eye.

    Van Adam (aside)
    If only something would.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I meant a drink, not a breeze. Marriner could mix it for you, Mr. Rodney.

    Rodney (wildly)
    You are too kind, but I never take medicine. I prefer to put my trust in Providence and hope for the best.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I think that even the bishops and clergy would say that we Christians ought to assist the operation of Providence—with appropriate medicine.

    Van Adam (aside) Castor oil, for my money.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mr. Rodney, your fever makes you act very strangely.

    Rodney
    Yes, I suppose it does. You are not going to retire so early, Mr. Van Adam?

    Van Adam
    I am dead beat.

    Rodney (clutching at Van Adam)
    Then a smoke will do you good! You must have a cigar, you must! A drink, my dear Van Adam—a long drink, a strong drink.

    Duke
    Hullo—Van Adam, sitting up! Bravo!

    Van Adam (shrugging helplessly to Mrs. Verulam)
    Well—

    Duke
    Have a light? (giving a cigar which Van Adam holds diffidently) Won't it draw?

    Van Adam
    No, I don't think it will. I'll—I think I'll have a cigarette, thanks.

    Bush
    A pipe's the thing—a pipe and a fistful of Bristol Bird's Eye.

    Van Adam
    Oh no, not a pipe.

    Duke
    Come and sit here. Now the women are gone, we can say what we like, what?

    Van Adam
    Yes, we can—I suppose.

    Rodney
    A very good cigar, this.

    Duke
    I dare say it is—when it's lighted.

    (Rodney goes red from embarrassment, then lights eight to ten matches at the same time.)

    Duke
    Well done, Rodney! Set the place on fire! Tell us a good story, Rodney—one of your rorty ones.

    Rodney (shriveling)
    I fear—I fear—I am scarcely in the rorty vein tonight. Tomorrow, the next day, perhaps.

    Duke
    Well, then—you tip us one, Van Adam. Go ahead.

    Van Adam
    Some girls in Florida do such lovely needlework.

    Duke
    Lovely needlework! That's a funny beginning for a pink 'un. Well?

    Van Adam
    They sit all day in the sun—

    Duke
    Damned silly girls! Spoil their complexions. They should go into the shade, what? What? What?

    Ingerstall (peeping in abruptly) I knew a grisette once who lived on the fourth floor in the Rue des Martyres.

    (Ingerstall disappears suddenly when all stare at him.)

    Van Adam (clearing throat)
    They sit in the sun and work for their living.

    Duke
    Deuced tiresome, what Rodney?

    Rodney
    I confess I should prefer to be under the trees.

    Duke
    Well, go on, Van Adam, go on.

    Van Adam
    Well—er—well—that's all.

    Duke
    All! Oh, come, I say, hang it, you're pulling our legs!

    Van Adam
    Oh, no. Why should I do such a thing?

    Duke
    But, hang it, your story'd do for a school treat or a grandmother's meeting. That's not the sort of thing Rodney cares for, what Rodney? (digging Rodney in the ribs and causing him to knock over a vase) Smashing up the furniture now, after trying to set the whole place on fire?

    Rodney
    An accident! Merely an unlikely accident, Duke. I shall make it good to Mr. Lite.

    Duke
    If you don't, he'll probably skin you.

    Rodney
    Oh, really, really, I should not submit for a moment to an indignity of that nature.

    Duke
    Well, I dare say, even a moment of being flayed would inconvenience a chap. But, come, give us a limerick.

    Rodney
    I don't know any. I've never been to Ireland.

    Duke (puzzled)
    Ireland? What's Ireland got to do with it?

    Rodney (innocently)
    Everything, I should suppose.

    Duke (disputing)
    Anyone would think we were a lot of damned old women. We might as well be Sunday school teachers at a Methodist funeral.

    (Bush snores loudly.)

    Rodney (frightened)
    What's that?

    Duke (sneeringly)
    Oh—it's only Mr. Bush, asleep!

    Rodney
    He sleeps very loud for decent society.

    Duke
    He does sleep very loud. (whispering to Rodney) Does anything occur to you, Rodney?

    Rodney
    I beg pardon.

    (Van Adam takes the chance and exits.)

    Duke
    Does anything occur to you with regard to this damned uproarious sleep?

    Rodney
    No, nothing at all. What should occur to me?

    Duke (contemptuously)
    Oh, Lord, I don't know. I don't know.

    Rodney (realizing Van Adam has eluded him)
    Why, where the deuce is Van Adam? He's gone—he's— Does anything occur to you, Duke?

    Duke
    What?

    Rodney
    I say, does anything occur to you, Duke?

    Duke
    What about?

    Rodney
    About Van Adam's sudden going off in this strange manner?

    Duke
    No, except he's like some damned old woman. Americans are such puritans. What should occur?

    Rodney
    Oh, dear—nothing, nothing at all. I—I— Good night.

    (Exit Rodney, hurriedly in some confusion.)

    Duke
    Well, of all the sniveling, psalm singing, non-conformist Salvation Army sets of fellows that ever I met in my life—this one takes the— (Bush snores) That fellow's as broad awake as I am—and broader! But, I'll be even with him, crafty as he is! (poking Bush in the ribs) Nice and quiet here. (Bush starts) I say, nice and quiet here. Nobody about.

    Bush (waking)
    What if there isn't?

    Duke
    I beg your pardon?

    Bush
    I say, what if there isn't anybody about?

    Duke
    Oh, nothing—nothing! I was only thinking what games might be carried on in a big house like this—and nobody the wiser.

    Bush
    Was you?

    Duke
    Midnight revels, what? What? What? (digging him in the ribs) You're a dog!

    Bush
    Give over! I ain't a dog!

    Duke
    Yes, you are. I know you. I know all about it. Lady Drake's a fine woman—a damned fine woman!

    Bush
    Lady Drake, she's all right—go along with yer! She knows a thing or two. She's as downy as a goat in autumn, she is!

    Duke
    You like 'em downy, what? You like a crafty one? What?

    Bush
    Rather! Rather!

    Duke
    Because you're a downy one yourself? I know you!

    Bush
    Look after Lady Drake and she'll look after you.

    Duke
    And did you look after her in the hall at three o'clock, Mr. Bush? I saw you, I saw you both. I know all about it. (aside) I knew she was lying to me. I knew the fellow as a regular demon.

    Bush (laying a big paw on the Duke's arm, confidentially)
    She's a rascal.

    Duke
    Lady Drake?

    Bush
    She's a rascal! Set the gardeners on to her! She wants a-watching.

    Duke
    You're right. The gardeners should direct their attention to her. Shall I give them a hint to that effect?

    Bush
    Ay! Ay! Set them on to her! She wants a-watching!

    Duke (aside)
    Exquisite villain. Monument of evil. (aloud) I'll take your advice. I'll set them on to her.

    (Bush relaxes and the Duke starts to leave, but runs into Bliggins.)

    Duke
    Watch that red bearded rascal! Watch him! Never let him from under your eyes.

    Bliggins
    But, it's the black gent with the specs as is the dangerous one, sir.

    Duke
    This red bearded villain—he's the man. He's the fiend, I tell you. Dog his footsteps. Creep after him. Run him down! You shan't repent of it. Hush, not a word!

    (Bliggins conceals himself and starts to watch Bush who has dozed off again.)

    Harrison's voice After setting fire to the 'ouse—oh, most decidedly, sir! Mr. Rodney is now smashing up furniture, Mrs. Lite, Chinese vases, sir. Oh, indeed, sir! And the Duke, ma'am, was splitting his sides with laughter while he done it. Oh, I'm keeping an eye on him. (bumping into Bliggins who is crawling around) Mrs. Bliggins, you were hired to watch, oh indeed!

    Bliggins
    I was watching, Mr. Harrison, sir. The red bearded man—he's the fiend! Stalk him! I was doing it.

    Harrison
    Mr. Bliggins—them was no words of mine—oh, dear no, on no account whatever! My words to you was: “Watch the lot.” Oh, most certainly.

    (Bliggins and Mr. Harrison go out, the lights go very dark. Bush continues to snore. Then Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam steal in.)

    Mrs. Verulam's voice Now—oh!

    Van Adam
    Shh! Be quiet, Daisy. It's only me. They're all asleep. Don't wake them.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I thought it was a ghost.

    Van Adam
    Can we sit down? (sitting) EEK! It's a cactus.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Over here. Now, I must tell you—

    Van Adam
    And, I must tell you—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mrs. Rodney has heard from New York that your husband—

    Van Adam
    And I have heard from Sherlock Holmes, a detective I employ, that my husband—

    Together
    Is in England.

    Van Adam
    In Yorkshire. He may come to Ascot at any moment.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Do you want him back?

    Van Adam
    Back! What do you mean?

    Mrs. Verulam
    He wants you back. That's why he's come. He's discovered that you never—you know—

    Van Adam
    So. He's learned his lesson.

    Mrs. Verulam
    But you can't remarry him in trousers.

    Van Adam
    I shall take them off. At once.

    Mrs. Verulam
    But, if you do, what will happen to me?

    Van Adam
    To you?

    Mrs. Verulam
    My reputation will be restored. I shall be ruined.

    Van Adam
    Then I must disappear and take off my trousers.

    Mrs. Verulam
    And give up society?

    Van Adam
    I feel as you do, now. I don't care any more. Love is the only thing. You were right.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Did I say that? Dear me!

    Van Adam
    You certainly did! What about Mr. Bush and Bungay Marsh?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Bungay—Bungay—your trousers.

    Van Adam
    Bungay my trousers! Surely, it would spoil them?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Listen. You want to change them, don't you? That's the place to do it. No one will look for us there. Let us go.

    Van Adam
    When?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Now!

    Van Adam
    In the middle of the night?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Yes.

    Van Adam
    How will we get there?

    (Enter the Duchess above with a weak light.)

    Duchess
    Who dares to take off his trousers in this house?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Run!

    (Exit Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam. The Duchess slips while coming down the stairs. Enter the Duke.)

    Duke
    I've caught you at last, have I?

    Bush (waking)
    What? What?

    Duke (jumping over the Duchess to get at Bush)
    You shall not escape me! Your blood—I'll have it!

    Bush (running off quickly)
    Catchin' comes before hangin'.

    (The Duke follows Bush in hot pursuit. Enter Lady Pearl at the head of the stairs. She has a revolver.)

    Pearl
    This sort of thing won't do. It's time someone taught these robbers a lesson. (firing her pistol six times) Thieves! Thieves!

    (Lady Pearl exits to reload. Enter Harrison.)

    Harrison
    If so much as the house is set afire, or the furniture is broke to pieces—

    (Harrison bumps into the Duke who is returning. The Duke attempts to strangle Harrison, but is beaten off and then goes to Rodney's door.)

    Rodney's voice Don't dare to enter! I shall certainly kill the first man who enters.

    Duke
    Rodney, Rodney! Let me in, Rodney.

    Rodney
    If I sell my life, I shall sell it dearly. I will not be slain without a struggle.

    Duke
    Rodney, don't be a fool. Don't be an ass, Rodney.

    Rodney
    I will! Nothing shall prevent me, nothing on earth. I will, I will.

    (The Duke finally enters and pulls Rodney out.)

    Rodney
    I will die here! I will not be killed in the open! I will die here.

    Duke
    Come of out it, Rodney. You must act for me in this affair.

    Rodney
    No, no. I will not come out.

    Duke
    Come out you shall.

    Rodney (woebegone)
    Do it mercifully, then. Why— It's you, Duke. I thought you were my friend.

    (Lady Pearl, having reloaded her revolver, appears briefly on the stairs, firing again.)

    Duke
    Rodney, you're an ass. But, fool or ass, you must act for me in this affair. I've been trying to strangle that fellow Bush.

    Rodney
    Did you? Did you succeed in doing so, Duke?

    Duke (bitterly)
    He managed to get away from me. Just as I was on the point of choking the life out of him.

    Rodney (with great feeling)
    What a pity!

    Duke (delighted)
    Then, you will act for me?

    Rodney
    Yes, yes, with the greatest pleasure.

    Duke (with good humor)
    You're a man after all! We'll kill him yet, between us. This sort of business makes a man think.

    Rodney
    It does, it does, indeed!

    Duke
    Then it's settled! I shall search for the fellow first. If I find him here, I'll just finish him off. If not, he'll make a beeline for Bungay. We'll follow him there, force a duel on him and bury him in his own cabbage patch!

    CURTAIN

    ACT V

    Scene: Bungay Marshes. A small farm house with out buildings. Jacob Minnindick is hoeing.

    Jacob
    Darn it all. If it ain't 'im back already.

    Bush
    How's the vegs?

    Jacob
    Mortal spoilt by rain—darn 'em. What's brought you back so soon?

    Bush
    What's that t'yer? Why don't yer get to hoeing?

    Jacob
    Why don't ye get to them as drew ye from hoeing?

    Bush
    Shut yer head; I've done with 'em.

    Jacob
    Oh, I dessay. But, who's seen arter the mushrooms? Who's a-cared for them there mellins while ye was with 'em?

    (A noise of horses off.)

    Bush (hearing the noise)
    What's that?

    Jacob
    'Osses.

    Bush
    Stand before me! Cover me up! Throw sprouts on me. Throw sprouts on me.

    (Bush falls to the ground and tries to conceal himself. Enter the Duke and Rodney.)

    Duke
    You've pulled a hamstring in that horse, Rodney. Why the devil didn't you give him his head?

    Rodney
    Because I didn't dare, because I cannot—I—

    Duke (seeing Jacob)
    Here you, my man, can you tell me the way to the farm—Bungay Marshes?

    Jacob
    Heh?

    Duke
    I want the farm, Bungay Marshes.

    Jacob
    What d'ye want 'un for?

    Duke
    What the deuce is that to you? Well, my man, don't you know where the farm is?

    Jacob
    Yes, I knows.

    Duke
    Where, then?

    Jacob
    'Ereabouts.

    Duke
    I know that.

    Jacob
    What did you arst me fer, then?

    Bush (whispering)
    Shovel the sprouts over me, d'ye hear? Cover me over!

    Duke
    I'll give you a taste of my whip if I have any more of your impudence. Tell me where the farm is, this moment.

    Jacob
    I have told ye.

    Duke
    Where is it?

    Jacob
    'Ereabouts.

    Duke
    Where the devil's hereabouts?

    Jacob
    Where yer standing!

    Duke
    Where I'm standing? Why didn't you say so?

    Jacob
    I did say so.

    Duke
    Where's your master? Is he back?

    Jacob
    Heh?

    Duke
    Where the deuce is your infernal master?

    Jacob (coolly)
    'Ereabouts.

    Bush (whispering)
    Cover me up, damn you.

    Duke
    Where the deuce is that?

    Jacob
    Where I'm standing.

    Duke (seeing Bush)
    You rascal—you infernal rascal! Then, I didn't strangle you after all?

    Bush (rising)
    Eh?

    Duke
    I didn't strangle you. But I will.

    Rodney
    Take a little time to think it over.

    Duke
    Rodney, hold your tongue. I thought I'd killed you.

    Bush
    You never touched me! I went too quick fer yer.

    Duke
    I strangled someone. Who could it have been?

    Rodney
    Perhaps a detective.

    Duke
    Bliggins, perhaps. Never mind. What does matter, is that I'm going to kill you. Do you hear, sir?

    Bush
    I ain't deaf.

    Duke
    Right here.

    Rodney
    I implore you to be calm. Don't make a scene. If you must kill him, do so quietly.

    Duke
    Choose your weapon.

    Bush
    Eh?

    Duke
    Choose your weapon. What do you generally fight with here?

    Bush
    Hoes. Allus fight with a hoe and never repented of it.

    Duke
    Hoes! Well, if you like—but I've never done so. I shall have to practice. That's only fair.

    Rodney
    Yes, yes. Take a week.

    Duke
    A week! An hour will be enough. Very well. Let it be hoes. Where can I get one?

    Bush
    At the Elephant and Drum.

    Duke
    Where the deuce is that?

    Bush
    The inn to Bungay. Down the road.

    Duke
    The very place, the very place. How far is it?

    Bush
    Half a mile.

    Duke
    I shall be back in an hour or two, then. Cheerio. Come, Rodney. If you try to get away, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. This way, Rodney.

    (Exit Duke purposefully and Rodney hesitantly. Bush and Minnindick grunt at each other and resume hoeing. After a moment the noise of a carriage.)

    Bush
    Whatever's that?

    Jacob
    A kerridge a-comin'.

    Bush
    What should a carriage come for?

    (Noise of carriage stopping. Enter the Duchess.)

    Duchess
    Oh, Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush.

    Bush
    What's brought you a-here?

    Duchess
    Oh, Mr. Bush, you've ruined me! You have undone me, Mr. Bush.

    Bush
    Get along with yer!

    Duchess
    You have indeed! You must make reparation. You must go to the Duke, Mr. Bush. You must go to him and tell him how innocent I am.

    Jacob
    Innercent does she say?

    Duchess (clasping Bush's knees)
    Oh, Mr. Bush! Do me justice. Set me right. Go to my husband and tell him what a true wife I have always been to him.

    Bush
    Give over! Give over now!

    Duchess
    I will not give over! I have followed you here, for you alone can tell the Duke there's nothing between— (sound of carriage) Oh, hide me! Hide me! There's a carriage coming! Oh, if I am seen here, I am lost forever.

    Bush
    Give over! Where can yer a-hide?

    (The Duchess runs into the mushroom house.)

    Jacob (protesting)
    Not the mushroom house! She'll a-treadle dow the spawn! She'll do a mischief on the mushrooms!

    (Bush and Minnindick resume hoeing. Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam enter, arm in arm.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    How very peaceful it is! Here all is rest and happiness.

    Van Adam
    Quite so, dear.

    Mrs. Verulam
    It is like heaven.

    Van Adam
    By now everyone at Ribton Marches knows of our flight.

    Mrs. Verulam (amused)
    I wonder what the Duchess is saying.

    Duchess's voice (from the mushroom house)
    Oh, I shall be suffocated! The smell—of—of—

    Van Adam
    No doubt she is taking away your character.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I hate large respectable women. Mr. Rodney will be terribly shocked at my running away like this.

    Van Adam
    Poor Mr. Rodney.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Why do you say poor? He's very rich.

    Van Adam
    Because— Oh, Daisy, you know quite well! At any rate, society will never have any more to do with a hostess who leaves a Duke and a Duchess stranded in the middle of Ascot week. You might get over murder more easily.

    Mrs. Verulam
    I suppose the Duke is furious.

    Van Adam
    It can't be helped if he is. There doesn't seem to be anybody about.

    (Van Adam looks everywhere but at Bush and Minnindick who continue hoeing.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Let's go in. I can't wait to see you without your trousers.

    Duchess
    Little hussy!

    Van Adam
    I look ever so much better without them.

    Duchess
    Oh, I am going to faint at such talk. Ahh—the smell revived me.

    Van Adam
    Ah, ah, ah—

    Mrs. Verulam
    What is it?

    Van Adam
    There's someone coming down the road. Daisy, come, come! Two men are coming down the road.

    (Mrs. Verulam and Van Adam go into the house.)

    Jacob
    They're gone into the house.

    (A moment later Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam appear in an upper story window.)

    Van Adam
    It's my husband, I know it, I know it. What shall I do?

    Mrs. Verulam
    No! Good heavens! It's the Duke and Mr. Rodney carrying hoes.

    Duke
    I shall kill him without a doubt.

    (The mushroom house door opens and shuts immediately.)

    Rodney
    Indeed, I fervently hope so. Still, we can never tell in these matters. You have made a will, I hope?

    Duke
    By Jove! Lucky you reminded me. Give me some paper.

    Rodney
    Paper?

    Duke
    Paper, so I can disinherit that false woman.

    Duchess's voice Ahh—I faint.

    Rodney
    Let me intercede.

    Duke
    Not a word.

    Rodney
    I don't have any paper.

    Duke
    Never mind. You will report my dying words, if it comes to that.

    Rodney
    Don't you think you'd better put it off a few hours? He's lying about in his garden.

    (Bush continues to hoe.)

    Duke
    I intend to lay him out. Mr. Bush! Are you deaf, sir? Are you deaf and blind, sir?

    Bush
    Give over!

    Duke
    How dare you speak to me like that, sir? How dare you do it, sir? Do you suppose that because you have me out here in the country you can intimidate me, sir?

    Bush
    Get along with you!

    Duke
    I shall do nothing of the kind, sir. Take a hoe, sir—take a hoe, and stand to your defense this instant!

    Rodney
    Don't make a scene!

    Duke
    Rodney, you are an egregious ass! Take a hoe—do you hear me, sir?

    Bush
    Pull up the weeds, Jacob—and lay down a bit v'morl along the sparrow grass. (aside) Lock her in, d'yer hear? Lock her in and lose the key!

    Duke
    Lock her in, d'you say? You villainous ruffian! So, you've trapped some other wretched creature into your clutches. Can't even stand by your partner in crime. I dare say that house is positively swarming with degraded females at this very moment.

    (Van Adam and Mrs. Verulam abruptly disappear from their window.)

    Rodney
    I scarcely think the house is swarming—

    Duke
    I am not addressing myself to you. I have nothing to say to you. My business is with this gentleman. Stop digging this moment, or I shall not wait for you to fight. I shall kill you without further parley!

    Jacob
    Where d'ye wish it laid?

    Bush
    Along the sparrow grass, I tell yer. Then, get to mulching.

    Duke
    Marl and Mulching be damned! (presenting hoe)

    Rodney (to Bush)
    Save yourself.

    (Bush backs off.)

    Duke
    Rodney, how dare you interfere?

    Rodney
    Duke, I am your second. Fight if you must, but fight like a man. Don't murder a man in his bean sprouts.

    Duke (wildly)
    I'll murder him where I choose. Will you be killed or will you fight?

    Bush
    I won't be killed.

    Duke
    Then, stop mulching, and get your second to come out on the grass—and we'll have it out fairly.

    Bush
    Jacob, Jacob—

    Jacob
    What der yer want?

    Bush
    Give over, Jacob.

    Duke
    Take your hoe and follow me.

    Mrs. Verulam (appearing at the window)
    What are they doing? Why is the Duke so angry?

    Van Adam
    I expect Mr. Bush is going to show him how to hoe the garden.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Well, but what's the Duke doing now? He's measuring the ground with a pocket handkerchief.

    Van Adam
    No, how am I going to change my trousers?

    Duke
    Come on, nothing will save you!

    Duchess (feebly, from the mushroom house)
    Help! Help! Murder! Murder!

    Rodney
    Whatever's that?

    Duke
    I know that voice.

    Duchess
    Help, help!

    Jacob
    An innercent lady in the mushroom house.

    Duke
    In there! An innocent lady in such a hole as that! (pushing by Bush and going to the mushroom house) You scoundrel! It's locked! It's bolted! Where's the key? Rodney, why don't you fetch the key?

    Rodney
    Because I don't know where it is.

    Duke
    And you call yourself a man. She'll be dead in another minute.

    Rodney
    Try your hoe, Duke, try your hoe.

    Duke
    By Jove, I will. (breaking open the door) CLEOPATRA!

    (The Duke turns towards Bush with murder in his eye. Bush drops his hoe and runs towards the house. Enter the Bun Emperor accompanied by Mr. Harrison and Bliggins.)

    Harrison
    Here's your man, oh most certainly, by all means.

    Emperor
    Arrest him! Arrest him!

    Duke
    Let me kill him! Let me kill the scoundrel!

    Emperor
    Not till I've skinned him for stealing my property.

    Rodney
    For heaven's sake, don't make a scene before the ladies.

    Harrison
    Rely on me, oh, indeed, most certainly, in all circumstances, rely on me.

    Jacob
    The innercent lady—she ain't stifled.

    Duchess
    Yes, I am an innocent lady. Oh, Southborough! He wouldn't speak for me, he fled, the base one fled. He's not a man.

    (Enter Mrs. Van Adam.)

    Van Adam
    No more am I.

    Mrs. Verulam (protesting)
    Chloe!

    Van Adam
    It's all over, Daisy. We couldn't keep this up forever.

    Rodney
    The gentleman's a lady?

    Duchess
    This man, a woman? But then, you are, you are—

    Mrs. Verulam
    Respectable!

    Duchess
    Then, I shall have to send Lady Pearl to Carlsbad this summer. Unless Mr. Ingerstall—Southborough, come away.

    Mrs. Verulam (to the Emperor)
    Now, you must release Mr. Bush—this is all a mistake.

    Emperor
    Let him go, Mr. Harrison. Let the ruffian go!

    Harrison
    Rely on me, sir.

    Emperor
    We do, Mr. Harrison, we do.

    (Bush, released, goes back to his hoeing.)

    Mrs. Verulam
    Mr. Bush, goodbye.

    (Bush continues to hoe.)

    Duke
    Goodbye, Mr. Bush.

    Bush
    Get on with yer!

    (Mrs. Verulam turns away and takes Rodney's arm.)

    Rodney
    You will not leave society.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Perhaps—perhaps not! I must think. I must ponder.

    Marriner (coming up)
    Ma'am, may I speak?

    Mrs. Verulam
    Certainly, Marriner. What is it?

    Marriner
    With your permission, ma'am. I desire to enter into matrimony.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Indeed! With whom?

    Marriner
    Mr. Harrison.

    Mrs. Verulam
    Oh.

    Marriner
    I feel that I can rely on him, ma'am.

    CURTAIN