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Mr. Paget.
Squeezum, | Mr. Jones.
Politick, | Mr. Roscoe.
Ramble, | Mr. Mullart.
Constant, | Mr. Stopler.
Sotmore, | Mr. J. Lacy.
Dabble, | Mr. Reynolds.
Quill, | Mr. Wells.
Staff, | Mr. Dove.
Porer, | Mr. Hicks.
Faithful, | Mr. Wathan.
WOMEN. Hilaret, | Mrs. Mullart.
Isabella, | Mrs. Williamson.
Mrs. Squeezum, | Mrs. Forrester.
Mrs. Staff, | Mrs. Lacy.
Cloris, | Mrs. Smith.
Evidences, Watch, &c. |
SCENE A Parlour in Politick's House. A Table spread with News-Papers. Chairs.
Well, Cloris, this is a mad Frolick. I am horridly frighted at the Thoughts of throwing my self into the Power of a young Fellow.
Clo.
It is natural to us to be frighted at first: I was in a little
Terror my self on my Wedding-Day, but it went all off before the next
Morning; a Husband, like other Bugbears, loses all his Horror when we
once know him thoroughly.
Hil.
But if he should not prove a good Husband—
Clo.
Then you must not prove a good Wife— If he keeps a Mistress, do
you keep a Gallant; if he
stay out with his Friends at a Tavern, do you be merry with your
Friends at home.
Hil.
You give fine Advice indeed.
Clo.
Upon my Word, Madam, it was such as I followed my self. I had a
Rogue of a Husband that robbed me of all I had, and kept a Mistress
under my Nose: but I was even with him: for it hath been ever my
Opinion that a Husband, like a Courtier, who is above doing the Duties
of his Office, should keep a Deputy.
Hil.
But suppose you had been in Love with your Husband?
Clo.
Why so I was, Madam, as long as he deserved it: but Love, like
Fire, naturally goes out when it hath nothing to feed on.
Hil.
Well, if it be possible to be assured of a Lover's Sincerity, I
think I may be assured of Constant: at least it is adviseable to
persuade my self of his Truth whom I should Love, tho' he wanted
it:—Ah, Cloris! you may as easily remove a Rock as a Woman's
Passion—
Clo.
And yet it is very often built on a sandy Foundation.
Hil.
Love is the same, whatever be its Object: We as often like Men for
imaginary as real Perfections; we all look through a Prismatick Glass
in Love, and whatever Beauties we have once fancied, we never lose the
Opinion of—our Amorous Faith is as implicit as our Religious.
Clo.
If I have any Judgment in Mankind, and I am sure I have had some
Experince in them, your Passion could have been no where better fixed:
Capt. Constant hath all the Qualities any Woman can desire. He
hath Youth, Beauty, Vigour, Gallantry, Constancy, and as Mr. Cowley
says, a long &c.
Clo.
I always thought a Man and Woman the more likely to produce
Mischief: and yet I think them the properer Company.
Pol.
I suppose you will tell my Daughter so too.
Hil.
Indeed Papa she need not: for I was always of that Opinion.
Pol.
You was! but I shall prevent your Wishes—
Hil.
You may be mistaken.
Hil.
I wish you would not perplex your self with Cardinals or Kingdoms,
I wish you would mind your own Business, instead of the Publick's; dear
Papa, don't give your self any more trouble about Don Carlos,
unless you can get him for a Son-in-Law.
Pol.
Not if I were a King. I will make you a little sensible who Don
Carlos is.—
Hil.
Nay, I do not understand one Word of your Politicks.
Pol.
I am sorry you do not—A News-Paper would be a more profitable
Entertainment for you than a Romance. You would find more in one half
Sheet, than in the grand Cyrus.
Hil.
More Lies very probably—You know I do read the Home Paragraphs in
the Whitehall Evening Post: and that's the best of them.
Pol.
If you would be informed in these Matters, you must read all that
come out: about forty every Day, and some Days fifty: and of a
Saturday about fourscore. Would you continue in such a Course but
one Twelvemonth, I do not question but you might know as much of
Politicks as—any Man that comes to our Coffee-house. And I had rather
see you a Politician, than a Woman of Quality.
Pol.
You are deceived, very much deceived: but some Fool hath put this
into your Head. You may live to see me one of the greatest Men in
England. Did I not say at the Siege of Gibraltar, that
within one three Years, we should see whether we should have Peace or
no. And yet I am an Ignoramus; I know nothing I warrant you: I
had better have continued a Merchant no doubt: but then what had become
of my Projects? where had been all those twenty different Schemes which
I have now ready to lay before the Parliament, greatly for my own
Honour and the Interest of my Country? Harkye, I have contrived a
Method to pay off the Debts of the Nation, without a Penny of Money.
Hil.
And you will not get a Penny by it, I dare swear.
Pol.
No, no, no certainly: tho' I would not take twenty thousand Pounds
for the Advantage which will arise to me from it. It hath lain these
three Years in a Friend's Hands of mine of the House of Commons who
assured me not many Days ago that it should be taken shortly into
Consideration, tho' he believed it could not be this Sessions.
Hil.
Nor this Age, I am confident.
Hil.
I wish you Success, Sir: but I must take my leave of you, for it
grows very late: so good-Night, Papa.
Politick Solus.
I cannot rest for these Preparations of the Turks, what can be
their Design!—It must be against the Emperor.—Ay, ay, we shall have
another Campaign in Hungary. I wish we may feel no other
effect from them—should the Turkish Gallies once find a
Passage through the Straights, who can tell the Consequence. I
hope I shall not live to see that Day.
Pol.
Protect us—what is the Matter? No News of the Turks, I
hope!
Dab.
An Express is arrived with an Account of the Dauphin's
Death.
Pol.
Worse and worse—this is a finishing Stroke indeed! Mr. Dabble,
I take this Visit exceeding kind— pray be pleased to sit: we must
confabulate on this important Accident.—Pray light your Pipe—I wish
this may not retard the Introduction of Don Carlos into
Italy.
Dab.
I wish it may.
Pol.
How!
Dab.
I wish Don Carlos do not prove a more formidable Power than
is imagined.
Pol.
Don Carlos a formidable Power, Mr. Dabble?
Dab.
I wish we do not find him so.
Pol.
Sir, I look on Don Carlos to be an errant Blank in the
Affairs of Europe—and let me observe to you, the Turks
give me much greater Uneasiness than Don Carlos can: What the
design of their Preparations can be, is difficult to determine—this I
know, that I know nothing of the matter.
Dab.
I think we have no need to travel so far for apprehensions, when
Danger is so near us: the Prospect of Affairs in the West is so
black, that I see no Reason to regard the East: the monstrous
Power which Don Carlos may be possessed of by the Death of the
Dauphin—
Pol.
Rather, the monstrous Power which the Emperor may be possessed of.
Dab.
The Emperor—ah!—
Pol.
How large do I take Tuscany to be—let me see—Tuscany,
ay; how large do I take it to be— hum—Faithful!—bring some
more Tobacco. How large do I take it to be—why truly I take it to be
about as large as the Kingdom of France—or something
larger.—
Dab.
As large as the Kingdom of France—you might as well
compare this Tobacco-Pipe to a Canon. Why Tuscany, Sir, is only
a Town, a Garrison to be admitted into Tuscany; that is, into
the Town of Tuscany—
Pol.
Sir, I will convince you of your Error— here, Faithful,
bring a Map of Europe hither—
Dab.
I did not think, Mr. Politick, you had been so ignorant in
Geography.
Pol.
Sir, I believe I know as much as you, or any one, of it.
Pol.
And give me leave to tell you, Sir, I wish you own Ignorance in
publick Affairs doth not appear our Cost.
Dab.
Sir, I wish you would send for the Map.
Pol.
Map me no Maps, Sir, my Head is a Map, Map of the whole World.—
Faith.
Sir, your Daughter—
Dab.
If your Head be a Map, it is a very erroneous one.
Pol.
Sir, I would not have called Tuscany a Town in a
Coffee-House, to have been Master of it.
Dab.
Nor I have compared it to France, to have been King of both.
Pol.
More Deaths?
Por.
An Express is arrived with a certain Account of the Dauphin's
being in good Health.
Dab.
This is good News indeed.
Pol.
Is there a certain Confirmation?
Por.
Very certain—I came this moment from the Secretary's Office.
Pol.
Dear Mr. Porer, you are the welcomest Man alive —This News
makes me the happiest Creature living.
Faith.
I wish, Sir, my News may not prevent it—Your Daughter, Sir, Miss
Hilaret, is gone out of the House, and no one knows whither.
Pol.
My Daughter gone! that is some allay to my happiness, I confess:
but the Loss of twenty Daughters would not balance the Recovery of the
Dauphin.— However, Gentlemen, you will excuse me, I must go
enquire into this Affair.
Dab.
Be not concerned at any thing, after what you have heard: let the
Private give way to the Publick ever.
The Street. Sotmore, Ramble.
Sotm.
Why, thou wilt not leave us yet, and sneak away to some nasty
little Whore? A Pox confound them, they have spoiled so many of my
Companions, and forced me to Bed sober at three-a-Clock in the morning
so often—that if the whole Sex were going to the Devil, I would drink
a Bumper to their good journey.
Ram.
And I would go thither along with them. The dear charming
Creatures! Woman! It is the best Word that ever was invented. There's
Musick, there's Magick in it. Mark Anthony knew well to lay out
his money, and when he gave the World for a Woman —he bought a
lumping Pennyworth.
Ramb.
Wine is only the Prologue to Love: it only serves to raise our
Expectation. The Bottle is but a Passport to the Bed of Pleasure.
Brutes drink to quench their Appetites—but Lovers to enflame them.
Sot.
'Tis Pity the generous Liquor should be used to no better a
Purpose.
Ramb.
It is the noblest use of the Grape, and the greatest Glory of
Bacchus is to be Page to Venus.
Sot.
Before I go into a Tavern again with a Man who will sneak away
after the first Bottle, may I be cursed with the odious sight of a Pint
as long as I live: or become Member of a City-Club where Men drink out
of Thimbles, that the Fancy may be heightened by the Wine, about the
same time that the Understanding is improved by the Conversation: I'll
sooner drink Coffee with a Politician, Tea with a fine Lady, or 'Rack
Punch with a fine Gentleman, than thus be made a Whetstone of, to
sharpen my Friends Inclinations, that some little Strumpet may enjoy
the Benefit of that good Humour which I have raised.
Ramb.
Why, thou art as ill-natured and as angry as a Woman would be, who
was disappointed in the last Moment, when her Expectations were at the
highest.
Sot.
And have I not the same Cause?
Ramb.
Truly, honest Nol, when a Man's Reason begins to stagger, I
think him the properest Company for the Women: One Bottle more, and I
had been fit for no Company at all.
Sot.
Then thou hadst been carried off with Glory.— An honest Fellow
should no more quit the Tavern while he can stand, than a Soldier
should the Field but you fine Gentlemen are for preserving your selves
safe from both, for the Benefit of the Ladies.— 'Sdeath! I'll use you
with the same Scorn that a Soldier would a Coward: So, Sir, when I meet
you next be not surprized if I walk on the other side the way.
Ramb.
Nay, pr'ythee, dear Silenus, be not so enraged; I'll but
take one refreshing turn, and come
back to the Tavern to thee. Burgundy shall be the Word, and
I will fight under thy Command till I drop.
Sot.
Now thou art an honest Fellow—and thou shalt Toast whomsoever
thou pleasest.—We'll bumper up her Health, till thou dost enjoy her
in Imagination. To a warm Imagination there is no Bawd like a Bottle.
It shall throw into your Arms, the soberest Prude or wildest Coquet in
Town; thou shalt rifle her Charms, in spight of her Art. Nay, thou
shalt encrease her Charms more than her Art: and when thou art
surfeited with the luscious Pleasure, wake cooly the next Morning,
without any Wife by your side, or any fear of Children.
Ramb.
What a luscious Picture hast thou drawn!
Sot.
And thou shalt have it, Boy! thou shalt triumph over her Virtue, if
she be a Woman of Quality—or raise her Blushes, if she be a common
Strumpet. I'll go order a new Recruit upon the Table, and expect you
with Impatience—Fill every Glass.
Ramble solus.
Ramb.
Sure, this Fellow's whole Sensation lies in his Throat: for he is
never pleased but when he is swallowing: And yet the Hogshead will be
as soon drunk with the Liquor it contains, as he. I wish it had no
other Effect upon me. Pox of my Paper Scull! I have no sooner buried
the Wine in my Belly, than its Spirit rises in my Head—I am in a very
proper Humour for a Frolick; If my good Genius, and her evil one would
but send some lovely Female in my way— Ha! the Devil hath heard my
Prayers.
Hil.
Ha! who's that? who are you, Sir?
Ramb.
A Cavalier, Madam, a Knight-Errant rambling about the World in
quest of Adventures. To plunder Widows, and ravish Virgins; to lessen
the Number of Bullies, and encrease that of Cuckolds, are the
Obligations of my Profession.
Hil.
I wish you all the Success so worthy an Adventurer deserves.
Ramb.
That's unkind, Madam: for as I take it, our Professions are pretty
nearly allied, and like Priest and Nun, we are proper Company for one
another.
Hil.
My Profession, Sir!
Ramb.
Yes, Madam, I believe I am no Stranger to the honourable Rules of
your Order. Nay, 'tis probable I may know your Abbess too; for tho' I
have not been in Town a Week, I am acquainted with half a Dozen.
Hil.
Nothing but your Drink, Sir, and Ignorance of my Quality, could
excuse this Rudeness.
Ramb.
(Whu—[whistles] Ignorance of your Quality! The Daughter of
some Person of Rank, I warrant her) [Aside] Look'e, my Dear, I
shall not trouble my self with your Quality: It is equal to me, whether
your Father rode in a Coach and Six, or drove it— I have had as much
Joy in the Arms of an honest Boatswain's Wife, as with a Relation of
the Great Mogul.
Hil.
You look, Sir, so much like a Gentleman, that I am persuaded this
Usage proceeds only from your mistaking me. I own it looks a little odd
for a Woman of Virtue to be found alone in the Street, at this Hour—
Ramb.
Yes it does look a little odd indeed.
Ramb.
I am that very pretty Fellow's very humble Servant. But I find I am
too much in Love with you my self, to preserve you for another: Had you
proved what I at first took you for, I should have parted with you
easily; but I read a Coronet in your Eyes: (she shall be her Grace if
she pleases, I had rather give her a Title than Money)
Ramb.
Nay, by this Frolick, Madam, you must be either a Woman of Quality,
or a Woman of the Town—Your low mean People, who govern themselves by
Rules, dare not attempt these noble Flights of Pleasure. Flights only
to be reached by those who boldly soar above Reputation.
Hil.
This is the maddest Fellow.
Hil.
I have but one Way to get rid of him.
Hil.
Could I but be assur'd that my Virtue would be safe.
Ramb.
No where safer. I'll give thee any thing in Pawn for it—(but my
Watch)
Ramb.
The Night will take Care of that—Virtue and Reputation! these
Whores have learnt a strange Cant since I left England.
Ramb.
Oh! for ever and ever, to be sure.
Hil.
But will you—too.
Ramb.
Yes, I will—too.
Hil.
Will you promise to be civil?
Ramb.
Oh! yes, yes; (I was afraid she would have asked me for Money.)
Ramb.
Excuse me, Madam, I know my Duty better—so if you please, I'll
follow you.
Hil.
I insist on your going first.
Ramb.
And so you'll leave me in the Lurch: I see you are frighted at the
Roughness of my Dress; but foregad I am an honest Tar, and the Devil
take me if I bilk you.
Hil.
I don't understand you.
Ramb.
Why then, Madam, here is a Pound of as good Tea as ever came out of
the Indies; you understand that, I hope.
Hil.
I shall take no Bribes, Sir.
Ramb.
Refuse the Tea! I like you now indeed; for you cannot have been
long upon the Town, I'm sure. But I grow weary with Impatience. If you
are a modest Woman, and insist on the Ceremony of being carried, with
all my Heart.
Hil.
Nay, Sir, do not proceed to Rudeness.
Ramb.
In short, my Passion will be dallied with no longer. Do you
consider, I am just come on Shore, that I have seen nothing but Men and
the Clouds this half Year, and a Woman is as ravishing a Sight to me as
the returning Sun to Greenland. I am none of your puisny Beaux,
that can look on a fine Woman, like a surfeited Man on an
Entertainment. My Stomach's sharp, and you are an Ortelan; and if I do
not eat you up, may salt Beef be my Fare for ever.
Ramb.
You'll be better natur'd than that. At least. to encounter Danger
is my Profession; so have at you,
my little Venus—If you don't consent, Ill ravish you.
Hil.
Help there! a Rape, a Rape!
Ramb.
Hush, hush, you call too loud, People will think you are in
earnest.
Hil.
Help, a Rape!—
Ramb.
Stand off, ye Scoundrels!
Staff.
Ay, Sir, you should have stood off—Do you charge this Man with a
Rape, Madam?
Hil.
I am frighted out of my Senses—
Staff.
A plain Case!—the Rape is sufficiently proved—what, was the
Devil in you, to ravish a Woman in the Street thus?
Hil.
Oh! dear Mr. Constable, all I desire is, that you would see me safe
home.
Staff.
Never fear, Madam, you shall not want Evidence.
Hil.
How! Villain!
Ramb.
Ay, ay, Madam, you shall be made a severe example of. The Laws are
come to a fine Pass truly, when a Sober Gentleman can't walk the
Streets for Women.
Hil.
For Heaven's sake, Sir, don't believe him.
Staff.
Nay, Madam, as we have but your bare Affirmation on both Sides, we
cannot tell which Way to incline our Belief; that will be determin'd in
the Morning by your Characters.—I would not have you dejected, you
shall not want a Character.
Hil.
Oh! this unfortunate Fright!—But, Mr. Constable, I am very
willing that the Gentleman should have his Liberty, give me but mine.
Staff.
That Request, Madam, is a very colloborating Circumstance against
you.
Ramb.
Guilt will ever discover it self.
Staff.
Bring them along.
1 Watch.
She looks like a modest Woman, in my Opinion.
Ramb.
Confound all your modest Women, I say— a Man can have nothing to
do with a modest Woman, but he must be married, or hanged for't.
SCENE Justice Squeezum's; a Table, Pen, Ink, Paper, &c.
Quill.
Yes, Sir; she says she does not value your Worship's Protection of
a Farthing, for that she can bribe two Juries a Year to acquit her in
Hicks's-Hall for half the Money which she hath paid you with these
three Months.
Squeez.
Very fine! I shall shew her that I understand something of Juries,
as well as her self. Quill, make Memorandum against
Mother Bilkum's Trial, that we
may remember to have the Pannel No 3. they are a Set of good Men
and true, and hearken to no Evidence but mine.
Quill.
Sir, Mr. Snap the Bailiff's Follower hath set up a Shop, and
is a Freeholder. He hopes your Worship will put him into a Pannel on
the first Vacancy.
Squeez.
Minute him down for No 2. I think half of that Pannel are Bailiffs
Followers. Thank Heaven, the Laws have not excluded those Butchers—
Quill.
No, Sir, the Law forbids Butchers to be Jurymen, but does not
forbid Jurymen to be Butchers.
Squeez.
Quill, d'ee hear! look out for some new Recruits for the
Pannel No 1. We shall have a swinging Vacancy there the next
Sessions.—Truly, if we do not take some care to regulate the Juries
in the Old-Baily, we shall have no Juries for Hicks's-Hall.
Quill.
Very true, Sir. But that Pannel hath been more particularly
unfortunate. I believe I remember it hanged, at least twice over.
Squeez.
Ay, poor Fellows! We must all take our Chance, Quill. The
Man who would live in this World, must not fear the next. The Chance of
Peace is doubtful as that of War; and they who will make their Fortunes
at Home, should entertain no more Dread of the Bench, than a Soldier
should of the Field. We are all militant here, and a Halter hath been
fatal to many a great Man, as well as a Bullet.
Staff.
An't please your Worship, we have been at the Gaming-House in the
Alley, and have taken Six Prisoners, whereof we discharged two who had
your Worship's License.
Squeez.
What are the others?
Staff.
One is an Half-pay Officer; another an Attorney's
Clerk; and the other two are young Gentlemen of the Temple.
Squeez.
Discharge the Officer and the Clerk, there is nothing to be got by
the Army or the Law; the one hath no Money, and the other will part
with none. But be not too forward to quit the Templers.
Staff.
Asking your Worship's Pardon, I don't care to run my Finger into
the Lion's Mouth. I would not willingly have to do with any Limb of the
Law.
Squeez.
Fear not; these bear no nearer Affinity to Lawyers, than a Militia
Regiment of Squires do to Soldiers; the one gets no more by his Gown,
than the other by his Sword. These are Men that bring Estates to the
Temple, instead of getting them there.
Staff.
Nay, they are bedawb'd with Lace as fine as Lords.
Squeez.
Never fear a Lawyer in Lace—the Lawyer that sets out in Lace,
always ends in Rags.
Staff.
I'll secure them.—We went to the House where your Worship
commanded us, and heard the Dice into the Street, but there were two
Coaches with Coronets on them at the Door, so we thought it proper not
to go in.
Squeez.
You did right. The Laws are Turnpikes, only made to stop People who
walk on Foot, and not to interrupt those who drive through them in
their Coaches.—The Laws are like a Game at Loo, where a Blaze of
Court Cards is always secure, and the Knaves are the safest Cards in
the Pack.
Staff.
We have taken up a Man for a Rape too.
Squeez.
What is he?
Staff.
I fancy he's some great Man; for he talk French, sings
Italian, and swears English.
Squeez.
Is he rich?
Staff.
I believe not, for we can't get a Farthing out of him.
Squeez.
A certain Sign that he is. Deep Pockets are like deep Streams; and
Money, like Water, never runs faster than in the Shallows.
Staff.
Then there's another Misfortune too.
Staff.
The Woman will not swear any thing against him.
Squeez.
Never fear that, I'll make her swear enough for my Purpose. What
sort of a Woman is she?
Staff.
A common Whore, I believe.
Squeez.
The properest Person in the World to swear a Rape. A modest Woman
is as shy of swearing a Rape, as a Gentleman is of swearing a
Battery.— We will make her swear enough to frighten him into a
Composition, a small Part of which will satisfie the Woman. So go bring
them before me.—But hold! have you been at home since I sent a
Prisoner thither this Morning?
Staff.
Yes, an't please your Worship.
Squeez.
And what says he?
Staff.
He threatens us confoundedly; and says you have committed him
without any Accusation. I'm afraid we shall get nothing out of him.
Squeez.
We'll try him till Noon, however.
Squeezum, Mrs. Squeezum.
Mrs. Squeez.
I desire, Mr. Squeezum, you would finish all your dirty Work
this Morning, for I am resolved to have the House to my self in the
Afternoon.
Squeez.
You shall, my Dear; and I shall be obliged to you, if you can let
me have the Coach this Morning.
Mrs. Squeez.
I shall use it my self.
Squeez.
Then I must get Horses put into the Chariot.
Mrs. Squeez.
I am not determined whether I shall use the Coach or Chariot, so it
is impossible you should have either. Besides, a Hack is the properest
to do Business in, and as I cannot spare you a Servant, will look
better.
Squeez.
Well, Child, well, it shall be so.—Let
me only beg the Favour of Dining a little sooner than ordinary.
Mrs. Squeez.
That is so far from being possible, that we cannot Dine 'till an
Hour later than usual, because I must attend at an Auction, or I shall
lose a little China Basin which is worth its Weight in Jewels,
and it is probable I may get it for its Weight in Gold, which will not
be above One Hundred Guineas, and those you must give me, Child.
Squeez.
A Hundred Guineas for a China Bason! Oh the Devil take the
East-India Trade! The Clay of the one Indies runs away with
all the Gold of the other.
Mrs. Squeez.
I may buy it for less; but it is good to have rather too much Money
about one, than too little.
Squeez.
In short, I cannot support your Extravagance.
Mrs. Squeez.
I do not desire you to support my Extravagance.
Squeez.
I wish you would not.
Mrs. Squeez.
Thus stands the Case: You say I am extravagant; I say, I am not;
sure, my Word will ballance yours every where but at Hick's-Hall.
— And heark'e, my Dear, if whenever I ask for a Trifle, you object my
Extravagance to me, I'll be reveng'd, I'll blow you up, I'll discover
all your midnight Intrigues, your protecting Ill Houses, your bribing
Juries, your snacking Fees, your whole Train of Rogueries. If you do
not allow me what I ask, I'll bid fair to enter on my Jointure, Sir.
Squeez.
Well, my Dear, this Time you shall be indulged.—Trust a Thief or
Lawyer with your Purse, a Whore or Physician with your Constitution,
but never trust a dangerous Secret with your Wife; for when once you
have put it into her Power to hang you, the sooner you are hang'd, the
better.
Squeezum, Quill, Mrs. Squeezum, Staff, Watch, Ramble, Hilaret.
Staff.
An't please your Worship, here is a Gentleman hath committed a Rape
last Night on this young Woman.
Squeez.
How! a Rape! Hath he committed a Rape on you, Child?
Mrs. Squeez.
This may be worth hearing.
Squeez.
They did their Duty.—The Power of Discharging lieth in us, and
not in them.
Ramb.
Sir—
Squeez.
Sir, I beg we may not be interrupted. Heark'e, young Woman, if this
Gentleman hath treated you in an ill manner, do not let your Modesty
prevent the Execution of Justice. Consider, you will be guilty your
self of the next Offence he commits; and upon my Word, by his Looks, it
is probable he may commit a Dozen Rapes within this Week.
Hil.
Sir, I assure you he is innocent.
Squeez.
Mr. Staff, what say you to this Affair?
Staff.
May it please your Worship, I saw the Prisoner behave in a very
indecent manner, and heard the Woman say he had ravished away her
Senses.
Squeez.
Fye upon you, Child, will you not swear this?
Hil.
No, Sir; but I shall swear something against you, unless you
discharge us.
Squeez.
That cannot be, Madam, the Fact is too plain. If you will not swear
now, the Prisoner must be kept in Custody 'till you will.
Staff.
If she will not swear, we can swear enough to convict him.
Squeez.
My Dear, did you ever see such a ravishing Look as this Fellow
hath! Sir, if I was a Judge I would hang you without any Evidence at
all. They are such Fellows as these who sow Dissention between Man and
Wife, and keep up the Names of Cuckold and Bastard in the Kingdom.
Ramb.
Nay, if that be all you accuse me of, I will confess it freely, I
have employ'd my Time pretty well. Tho' as I do not remember ever to
have done you the Honour of Dubbing, Mr. Justice, I cannot see
why you should be so incensed against me; for I do not imagine you any
otherwise an Enemy to these Amusements, than a Popish Priest to Sin, or
a Doctor to Disease.
Mrs. Squeez.
You are very civil, Sir, to threaten to dub my Husband before my
Face.
Ramb.
I ask Pardon, Madam; I did not know with whom I had the Honour to
be in Company; it was always against my Inclination to affront a Lady;
but a Woman of your particular Merit, must have claimed the most
particular Respect.
Mrs. Squeez.
I should have expected no Rudeness from a Gentleman of your
Appearance, and would much rather attribute any misbecoming Word to
Inadvertency, than Design.
Ramb.
Madam, I know not how to thank so much Goodness; but do assure you,
I would buy an Introduction to your Acquaintance at a much greater
Danger than this Prosecution, which, I believe, you already see the
Malice of. I hope, Madam, I stand already acquitted in your Opinion.
Mrs. Squeez.
I hope, Sir, it will only appear to have been a Frolick: I must own
I have been always great Enemy to Force—since there are so many
willing.
Squeez.
The Woman is difficult of confessing in publick: but I fancy when I
examine her in private I may get it out of her—So, Mr. Constable,
withdraw your Prisoner.
Mrs. Squeez.
Nay he appears so much of a Gentleman, that till there be stronger
Evidence, I will take Charge of him—Come, Sir, you shall go drink a
dish of Tea with me—You may stay without.
Hil.
Would you persuade me to perjure my self?
Squeez.
By no means. Not for the World. Perjury indeed! do you think I do
not know what Perjury is, better than you? He did attempt to Ravish
you, you own; very well. He that attempts to do you an Injury, hath
done it in his Heart. Besides, a Woman may be Ravished, ay and many a
Woman hath been Ravished, ay and Men been hanged for it—when she hath
not certainly known she hath been Ravished.
Hil.
You are a great Casuist in Conscience. But you may spare your self
any further Trouble: for I assure you it will be in vain.
Squeez.
I see where your Hesitation hangs, you are afraid of spoiling your
Trade—You think Severity to Customer, will keep People from your
House.—
Pray answer me one Question—How long have you been upon the Town?
Hil.
What do you mean?
Squeez.
Come, come, I see you are but a Novice, and I like you the better:
For yours is the only Business, wherein People do not profit by
Experience —You are very handsome—It is Pity you should continue in
this abandoned State—Give me a Kiss— Nay be not coy to me—I
protest you are as full of Beauty as the Rose is of Sweetness, and I of
Love as its Stalk is full Briars—Oh! that we were as closely joined
together too.
Hil.
Why you will commit a Rape your self, Mr. Justice.
Squeez.
If I thought you would prove constant, would take you into keeping:
for I have not like a Woman so much these many Years.
Hil.
I will humour this old Villain, I am resolved.
Hil.
Well, and what shall I do for this?
Squeez.
You shall do—You shall do nothing, I will do: I will be a Verb
Active, and you shall be Verb Passive.
Hil.
I wish you be not of the Neuter Gender.
Squeez.
Why you little arch Rogue, do you understand Latin, Hussy?
Hil.
A little, Sir! my Father was a Country Parson, and gave all his
Children a good Education. He taught his Daughters to write and read
himself.
Squeez.
What, have you Sisters then?
Hil.
Alack-a-day, Sir! sixteen of us, and all in the same way of
Business.
Hil.
Oh, Sir! it was a villanous Man of War that harboured near us—My
poor Sisters were ruined by the Officers, and I fell a Martyr to the
Chaplain.
Squeez.
Ay, ay, the Sailors are as fatal to our Women as the Soldiers are.
One Venus rose from the Sea, and thousands have set in it—But
not Venus her self could compare to thee, my little
Honey-suckle.
Hil.
Be not so hot, Sir.
Squeez.
Bid the Touchwood be cold behind the Burning-glass. The Touchwood
is not more easily kindled by the Sun, than I by your dear Eyes.
Hil.
The Touchwood is not drier, I dare swear.
Hil.
Two charming Qualities in a Lover!
Squeez.
My pretty Nose-gay, you will find me vastly preferable to idle
young Rakehells. Besides, you are safe with me. You are as safe with a
Justice in England, as a Priest abroad; Gravity is the best
Cloak for Sin, in all Countries—Be sure to be punctual to the Time I
shall appoint you.
Hil.
Be not afraid of me.
Squeez.
Adieu, my pretty Charmer. I shall burn with Impatience.
Squeezum solus.
Go thy ways for a charming Girl! Now if I can get her at this wild
Fellow's Expence, I shall have performed the part of a shrewd Justice;
for I would make others
pay for my Sins, as well as their own. I fancy my Wife hath
sufficiently frightned him by this, and that he will truckle to any
Terms to be acquitted; for I must own she will pump a Man much better
than I —Oh! here they come; I must deal with my Gentleman now, in
another Style.
Squeezum, Mrs. Squeezum, Ramble.
Ramb.
Well, Sir, is the Lady determined to swear stoutly?
Squeez.
Truly, it is hard to say what she determines she is gone to ask the
Advice of a Divine and a Lawyer.
Ramb.
Then the odds is against me: for the Lawyer will certainly advise
her to swear, and it is possible the Priest may not contradict her in
it.
Squeez.
It is indeed a ticklish Point, and it were advisable to make it up
as soon as possible. The first Loss is always the least. It is better
to wet your Coat than your Skin, and to run home when the Clouds begin
to drop, than in the middle of the Storm. In short it were better to
give a brace of hundred Pounds to to make up the Matter now, than to
venture the Consequence. I am heartily concerned, to see a Gentleman in
such a Misfortune. I am sorry the Age is so corrupt. Really I expect to
see some grievous and heavy Judgment fall on the Nation. We are as bad
as ever Sodom and Gomorrah were, and I wish we may not be
as miserable.
Ramb.
Heark'e, Justice; I take a Sermon to be the first Punishment which
a Man undergoes after conviction. It is very hard I must be condemned
to it before-hand.
Mrs. Squeez.
Nay, Sir, I am sure Mr. Squeezum speaks for your good.—I
shall get a Necklace out of this Affair.
Squeez.
Nay, Sir, now you jeft with me; a Gentleman can never be at a loss
for such a Trifle.
Ramb.
Faith! you mistake. I know a great many Gentlemen not worth three
Farthings: he that resolves to be honest cannot resolve not to be poor.
Squeez.
A Gentleman, and poor! Sir, they are Contradictions. A Man may as
well be a Scholar without Learning, as a Gentleman without Riches. But
I have no time to dally with you. If you do not understand good Usage,
while it is dealt you, you may, when you feel the Reverse. The Affair
may now be made up for a Trifle; the time may come when your whole
Fortune would be too little—An Hour's Delay in the making up an
Offence is as dangerous as in the sewing up of a Wound.
Ramb.
Well, you have over-persuaded me, I'll take your Advice.
Squeez.
I'll engage you will not repent it—I don't question but you will
regard me as your Friend.
Ramb.
That I do indeed. And to give you the most substantial Instance of
it, I will ask a Favour, which is expected only from the most intimate
Friendship— which is, that you would be so kind to lend me the Money.
Squeez.
Alack-a-day, Sir, I have not such a Sum in my Command. Besides, how
must it look in me, who am an Officer of Justice, to lend a Culprit
Money wherewith to evade Justice! Alas, Sir, we must consider our
Characters in Life, we must act up to our Characters; and tho' I
deviate a little from mine, in giving you Advice, it would be entirely
forsaking the Character of a Justice to give you Money.
Mrs. Squeez.
I wonder how you could ask it.
Ramb.
Necessity obliges to any thing, Madam. Mr. Squeezum was so
kind to shew me the Necessity of giving Money, and my Pockets were so
cruel to shew me the Impossibility of it.
Squeezum, Mrs. Squeezum Ramble, Staff, Constables.
Squeez.
Take away your Prisoner, keep him in safe Custody till farther
Orders. If you come to a wise Resolution within these two Hours, send
me Word after that it will be too late.
Ramb.
Heark'e, Mr. Justice, you had better use me as you ought, and
acquit me; for if you do any thing which you cannot defend, hang me if
I am not revenged on you.
Squeez.
Hang you!—I wish there may not be more Meaning in those Words
than you imagine.
Ramb.
'Sdeath! you old Rascal, I can scarce forbear rattling those old
dry Bones of thine, till they crack thy withered Skin.
Squeez.
Bear Evidence of this, I am threatned in the Execution of my
Office.
Ramb.
Come, honest Mr. Constable, Mr. nocturnal Justice, let me go any
where from this Fellow— the Night hath chosen a better Justice than
the Day.
Squeezum, Mrs. Squeezum.
Squeez.
I am afraid I shall make nothing of this Fellow at last. I have a
Mind to discharge him.
Mrs. Squeez.
Oh! by no means; for I am sure he hath Money.
Squeez.
Yes, and so am I. But suppose he will not part with it; it is
impossible to take it from him; for there is no Law yet in being to
skreen a Justice of Peace from a downright Robbery.
Mrs. Squeez.
Try him a little longer, however.
Squeez.
I will, 'till the Afternoon; but if he should not consent by that
Time, I must discharge him, for
I have no Hopes in the Woman's Swearing. She is discharged already.
Mrs. Squeez.
I'll make him a Visit at the Constable's House, and try if I can
alarm him into a Composition. I may make him do more than you imagine.
Squeez.
Do so, my Dear;—I doubt not your Power— Good-morrow, Honey.
Mrs. Squeez.
But, my Dear, pray remember the Hundred Guineas.
Squeez.
Yes, yes, I shall remember them; they are not likely to be soon
forgotten.—Follow me to my Escritore.
Mrs. Squeezum sola.
Since you are sure of going to the Devil, honest Spouse, I'll take Care to equip you with a Pair of Horns, that you may be as like one another as possible. This dear wild Fellow must be mine, and shall be mine: I like him so well, that if he had even ravished me, on my Conscience I should have forgiven him.
Mr. Worthy's.
Pol.
Indeed, Neighbour Worthy, you cannot imagine half the
Troubles, without having undergone them. Matrimony balks our
Expectations every way, and our Children as seldom prove Comforts to us
as our Wives. I had but two—whereof one was hanged long ago—and the
other I suppose may be in a fair Way by this.
Wor.
In what manner did she escape from you?
Wor.
But do you know of no Lover?
Pol.
Let me see—hey!—There hath been a Fellow in a Red Coat, with
whom she hath conversed for some time, in spite of my Teeth.
Wor.
Depend on it, He is the Occasion of your Loss. I can grant you a
Warrant against him, if you know his Name, tho' I fear you are too
late.
Pol.
No, Sir, I am not too late; my Daughter is an Heiress, and you know
the Punishment for stealing an Heiress. If I could hang the Rascal, it
would be some Satisfaction.
Wor.
That will be impossible, without her Consent; and truly, if she be
married, I would advise you to follow the Example of that Emperor, who
when he discovered something worse than a Marriage between one of his
Subjects and his Daughter, chose rather to let him enjoy her as his
own, than punish him.
Pol.
Pray where did that Emperor reign?
Wor.
I have almost forgotten, but I think it was one of the Greek
Emperors, or one of the Turks.
Pol.
Bring me no Example from the Turks, good Mr. Worthy,
I find no such Affinity in our Interests. Sir, I dread and abhor the
Turks. I wish we do not feel them, before we are aware.
Wor.
But Sir—
Pol.
But me no buts—what can be the Reason of all this warlike
Preparation, which all our Newspapers have informed us of. Yes, and the
same Newspapers a hundred times in the same Words. Is the Design
against Persia? Is the Design against Germany? Is the
Design against Italy—Suppose we should see Turkish
Gallies in the Channel? We may feel them, yes, we may feel them in the
midst of our Security; Troy was taken in its Sleep, and so may
we.
Pol.
Yes, yes, these things are called idle Dreams— the justest
Apprehensions may be styled Dreams— but let me tell you, Sir, Men
betray their own Ignorance often, in attacking that of other Men.
Wor.
But what is all this to your Daughter?
Pol.
Never tell me of my Daughter, my Country is dearer to me than a
thousand Daughters; should the Turks come among us, what would
become of our Daughters then? and our Sons, and our Wives, and our
Estates, and our Houses, and our Religion, and our Liberty.—When a
Turkish Aga should command our Nobility, and Janizaries make
Grandfather of Lords? Where should we look for Britain then?
Wor.
Truly, where I may look for Mr. Politick now, in the Clouds.
Pol.
Give me leave, Sir, only to let you a little into the present State
of Turkey.
Wor.
I must beg to be excused, Sir; if I can be of my Service to you, in
relation to your Daughter, you may command my Attention: I may probably
defend you from your own Countrymen, but truly from the Turks I
cannot.
Pol.
I am glad to hear you have some Apprehension of them, as well as my
self.—That you are not so stupidly besotted, as I meet with some
People at the Coffee-house; but perhaps you are not enough apprized of
the Danger. Give me leave only to shew you, how it is possible for the
Grand Signior to find an Ingress into Europe.—Suppose,
Sir, this Spot I stand on to be Turkey—then here is Hungary
—Very well—here is France, and here is England—granted—then we will suppose he had Possession of Hungary
—what then remains but to conquer France, before we find him at
our own Coast.—But, Sir, this is not all the Danger; now I will shew
you how she can come by Sea to us.
Wor.
Dear Sir, refer that to some other time; you have sufficiently
satisfied me, I assure you.
Wor.
Mr. Politick, your very humble Servant.
Worthy solus.
I recollect the Dawnings of this political Humour to have appeared when we were at the Bath together but it hath risen finely in these ten Years. What an Enthusiasm must it have arrived to, when it could make him forget the Loss of his only Daughter! The greatest Part of Mankind labour under one Delirium or other: And Don Quixotte differed from the rest not in Madness, but the Species of it. The Covetous, the Prodigal, the Superstitious, the Libertine, and the Coffee-house Politician, are all Quixottes in their several Ways.
SCENE The Street.
Hilaret, Cloris, meeting.
Hil.
Dear Cloris.
Clo.
Dear Madam, is it you? you altogether?
Hil.
Ay, ay, altogether, thank Heavens! I had like to have lost
something, but all's safe I assure you.
Clo.
Ah! Madam, I wish it were.
Hil.
What, don't you believe me?
Clo.
I wish you could not me, or I my self. Poor Capt. Constant
—
Clo.
Oh! Madam!
Hil.
Speak quickly, or kill me, which you please—
Clo.
—Is taken up for a Rape.
Hil.
How!
Clo.
It is too true, his own Servant told me.
Hil.
His Servant belied him, and so do you— shew me where he is, if he
be in a Dungeon, I'll find him out.
Clo.
Very generous indeed, Madam! A King should sooner visit a Prisoner
for Treason, than I a Lover for Rape.
Hil.
It would be unpardonable in me to entertain so flagrant a Belief at
the first hearing, against a Man who hath given me such substantial
Proofs of his constancy: Besides, an Affair of my own makes me the more
doubtful of the Truth of this; but if there appear any Proof of such a
Fact I will drive him for ever from my Thoughts.
Clo.
Yes, Madam, Justice Squeezum will take care to have him
driven another Way.
Hil.
Justice Squeezum! let me hug you for that Information. Now,
I can almost swear he is Innocent: I have such an Adventure to surprize
you with; but let me not lose a Moment—come, shew me the way.
Clo.
Poor Creature! She knows the way to her destruction too well—but
it would be Impertinence in a Servant to put her out of it.
The Constable's House.
Constant alone.
I begin to be of that Philosopher's Opinion, who said, that whoever
will entirely consult his own Happiness, must be little concerned about
the Happiness of others. Good-nature is Quixotism, and every Princess
Micomicona will lead her Deliverer into a Cage. What had I to do to
interpose! What harm did the Misfortunes of an unknown Woman bring me,
that I should
hazard my own Happiness and Reputation on her Account? —But sure,
to swear a Rape against me for having rescued her from a Ravisher, is
an unparalelled Piece of Ingratitude.
Constant, and Mrs. Staff.
Mrs. Staff.
Will your Honour please to drink a Dram, or some 'Rack Punch?
Const.
Dear Madam, do not trouble me; I can drink nothing.
Mrs. Staff.
Truly, Sir, but I can. Not trouble you I had never such a Customer
here before. You a Captain charged with a Rape!—I should sooner take
you for some poor Attorney, charged with Forgery and Perjury: or a
travelling Parson, with stealing a Gown and Cassock.
Const.
Drink what you will, and I'll pay what you please.
Mrs. Staff.
Thank your Honour! Your Honour will not be offended, I hope—we
stand at a great Rent: and truly, since this Gin Act, Trade hath been
so dull, that I have often wished my Husband would live by the Highway
himself, instead of taking Highwaymen.
Const.
You are not the only Wife who would give her Husband this Advice, I
dare swear. Nay, were Men all so uxorious to take it, Tyburn
would have as much Business as Doctors-Commons.
Mrs. Staff.
I wish it had more; for we must stand and fall by one another; no
Business there, no Business here; and truly Captain, 'tis with Sorrow I
say it, where we have one Felon now, we had ten, a Year or two ago—I
have not seen one Prisoner brought in for a Rape this Fortnight, except
your Honour. I hope your Handsel will be lucky.
Constant, Staff, Mrs. Staff.
Staff.
Captain, your Servant, I suppose you will be glad of Company—here
is a very civil Gentleman, I assure you.
Mrs. Staff.
More Gentlemen! This is rare News indeed.
Const.
I had rather be alone.
Staff.
I have but this one Prison-Room, Captain: besides, I assure you,
this is no common Fellow, but very fine Gentleman, a Captain too—and
as merry a one—
Const.
What is the Cause of his Misfortune?
Staff.
A Rape, Captain, a Rape—no dishonourable Offence—I would not
have brought any Scoundrels into your Honour's Company: but Rape and
Murder no Gentleman need be ashamed of; and this is an honest
Brother-Ravisher—I have ravished Women my self formerly: but a Wife
blunts a Man's Edge. When once you are married, you will leave off
Ravishing, I warrant you—to be bound in Wedlock is as good a Security
against Rapes, as to be bound over to the Peace is against Murther.
Mrs. Staff.
My Husband will have his Jest. I hope your Honour will pardon him.
Staff.
But here is the Gentleman.
Constant, Ramble, Staff, Mrs. Staff.
Const.
Prodigious!
Ramb.
Dear Constant!
Const.
What in the Name of Wonder hath brought you to England?
Ramb.
What in the Devil's Name hath brought thee to the Constable's?
Const.
Only a Rape, Sir, no dishonourable Offence, as Mr. Constable
hath it.
Staff.
No, Sir, upon my Word the Captain is in earnest.
Ramb.
Why I should sooner have suspected Ermine or Lawn-Sleeves. But I
see Gravity and Hypocrisy are inseparable—Well, give me thy Hand,
Brother for our Fortunes agree exactly.
Staff.
And will agree in the End, I don't question. This is not the first
time of their meeting together on this Account; a Couple of old
Whore-masters, I warrant 'em.
Staff.
Don't force the Gentlemen, Wife, to drink whether they will or
no.—I wish you well off this Affair—in the mean time, whatever my
House affords is at your Service—and let me assure you, the more you
drink the less you will lament your Misfortune.
Ramb.
Spoken like a true Philosopher.
Const.
What I heartily repent of, I assure you. I rescued a Woman in the
Street, for which she was so kind to swear a Rape against me; but it
gives me no Uneasiness equal to the Pleasure I enjoy in seeing you.
Ramb.
Ever kind and good-natur'd!
Const.
Yet I wish our Meeting had been on another Occasion, for the
Freedom of your Life makes me suspect the Consequence of your
Confinement may be heavier than mine.
Ramb.
I can't tell what the Consequence may be, nor shall I trouble my
self about it: But I assure thee no sucking Babe can be more innocent.
If our Crimes differ in any thing, it is in this, that my Woman hath
not sworn.
Const.
This pleases me indeed!—But pray, how
came you to leave the Indies, where I thought you had been
settled for Life?
Ramb.
Why on the same Account that I went thither, that I now am here, by
which I live, and for which I live, a Woman.
Const.
A Woman!
Ramb.
Ay, a fine, young, rich Woman! a Widow with Fourscore Thousand
Pounds in her Pocket— there's a North Star to steer by.
Const.
What is her Name?
Ramb.
Her Name!—her Name is Ramble.
Const.
What, Married!
Ramb.
Ay, Sir; soon after you left the Indies, honest Mr. Ingot
left the World, and me the Heir to his Wife with all her Effects.
Const.
I wish you Joy, dear Jack; this thy good Fortune hath so
filled me with Delight, that I have no Room for my own Sorrows.
Ramb.
But I have not unfolded half yet.
Sot. [without.]
Let two Quarts of Rum be made into Punch, let it be hot—hot as
Hell.
Ramb.
D'ye hear, we are in a fine Condition 'faith!
Ramb.
Hearkee, Sotmore, if you say any thing against the Women,
we'll cut your Throat, and toss Justice in a Murder into the Bargain.
Sot.
Not speak against Women! you shall as soon compel me not to drink;
you shall sow up my Lips,
if you do either—Here, you, let the Punch begotten ready.
Staff.
It shall, an't please your Honour. (This Gentleman is a rare
Customer to a House, I wish he would commit a Rape too.)
Ramb.
And what is better, my Wife is at the bottom of the Sea.
Sot.
And what is worse, all her Effects are at the bottom of the Sea
with her.
Const.
How!
Ramb.
Faith! Sotmore hath spoken Truth for once —Notwithstanding
my Pleasantry, the Lady and her Fortune are both gone together; she
went to the other World Fourscore Thousand strong; and if there be any
such thing there, I don't question but she is married again by this
Time.
Sot.
You would not take my Advice. I have cautioned thee never to trust
any thing on the same Bottom with a Woman. I would not ensure a Ship
that had a Woman on Board, for double the Price.—The Sins of one
Woman are enough to draw down a Judgment on a Fleet.
Ramb.
Here's a Fellow, who, like a Prude, makes Sin a Handle to his
Abuse.—Art thou not ashamed to mention Sin—who art a Cargo of
Iniquity? why wilt thou fill thy venom'd Mouth with that of others,
when thou hast such Stores of thy own?
Const.
What occasioned your separating?
Ramb.
A Storm, and my ill Stars. I left the Ship wherein she was to dine
with the Captain of one of our Convoy, when a sudden violent Storm
arising, I lost sight of her Ship, and from that Day have never seen or
heard of her.
Sot.
Nor ever will—I heartily hope. Tho' as for the Innocent Chests,
those I wish deliver'd out of the
Deep. But the Sea knows its own good: It will be sure to keep the
Money, tho' possibly it may refund the Woman; for a Woman will swim
like a Cork, and they are both of the same Value, nay the latter is the
more valuable, as it preserves our Wine, which Women often spoil.
Const.
Why, Sotmore, Wine is the Touchstone of all Merit with thee
as Gold is to a Stock-jobber, and thou would'st as soon sell thy Soul
for a Bottle, as he for a Guinea.
Sot.
Wine, Sir, is as apt a Comparison to every thing that is good, as
Woman is to every thing that is bad.
Const.
Fie, Sotmore! this railing against the Ladies will make your
Company as scandalous to Gentlemen, as railing at Religion would to a
Parson.
Ramb.
Right, Constant! they are my Religion, I am the High-Priest
of the Sex.
Sot.
Women and Religion! Women and the Devil: he leaves his Votaries in
the Lurch, and so do they.
Const.
I fancy, Ramble, this Friend of ours will turn Parson, one
day or other—
Ramb.
If he was not such a Sot, I should think it possible.
Sot.
Why faith! I am almost superstitious enough to fancy this a
Judgment on thee for breaking thy Word.—Did I not tell thee, thou
wert stroling off to some little dirty Whore? and you see the Truth of
my Prophecy.
Ramb.
Thou art in the right: It was not only a Whore, but the most
Impudent of all Whores—a modest Whore.
Const.
A modest Whore! let her be married to an honest Attorney, by all
means.
Ramb.
And sent together to People His Majesty's Plantations.
Sot.
Modesty now-a-days as often covers Impudence, as it doth Ugliness.
It is as uncertain a sign of Virtue as Quality is, or as fine Cloaths
are of Quality.
Sot.
Conscientious Strumpet! She hopes to pick your Pocket another time,
which it were Charity to thee to wish she might; for if thou escapest
this, she certainly will have an Opportunity.
Ramb.
Pray, honest Nol, how didst thou find me out? for a Boy
would as soon have sent for his School-master when he was caught in an
Orchard, as I for thee on this Occasion.
Sot.
Find you out! why the Town rings of you— there is not a Husband
or Guardian in it, but what is ready to get drunk for Joy. If the Woman
be not Gold-Proof, she will be bribed to swear against you. You are a
Nusance, Sir! I don't believe he hath been in Town Six Days, and he
hath had above sixteen Women.
Ramb.
And they are a nobler Pleasure than so many Gallons which thou hast
swallowed in that time.
Sot.
Sir, I pay my Vintner, and therefore do no Injury.
Ramb.
And, Sir, I do no Injury: and therefore have no Reason to pay.
Sot.
Hey-day! is taking away a Man's Wife or Daughter no Injury?
Ramb.
Not when the Wife is weary of her Husband, and the Daughter longs
for one.
Constant.
Art thou not ashamed, Sotmore, to throw a Man's Sins in his
Face, while he is suffering for them?
Sotm.
That is the time, Sir; besides you see what an effect it hath on
him: you might as well rail at a Knight of the Post in the Pillory.
Ramb.
Let him alone, the Punch will be here immediately, and then he'll
have no Leisure to rail.
Sot.
Is it not enough to make a Man rail, to have parted with a Friend
happy in the Night, and to find him the next Morning in so fair a Way
to— Death and Damnation! Shew me the Whore, I'll be revenged on her
and the whole Sex. If thou art
hanged for Ravishing her, I'll be hanged for Murdering her.
Describe the little Mischief to me. Is she tall, short, black, brown,
fair? In what Form hath the Devil disguised himself?
Ramb.
In a very Beautiful one, I assure you: she hath the finest Shape
that ever was beheld, genteel to a Miracle, then the brightest Eyes
that ever glanced on a Lover, the prettiest little Mouth, and Lips as
red as a Cherry: And for her Breasts, not Snow, Marble, Lillies,
Alabaster, Ivory can come up to their Whiteness; but their little,
pretty, firm, round Form, no Art can imitate, no Thought conceive—Oh!
Sotmore, I could die ten thousand Millions of Times upon them.—
Sot.
You are only like to die once for them.
Const.
All these Raptures about a common Whore, Ramble?
Sot.
Ay, every Woman he sees, they are all alike to him, modest, or
immodest, high or low, from the Garret to the Cellar, St. James's
to the Stews; find him but a Woman, and he'll make an Angel of her.—He hath the same Taste for Women, as a Child for Pictures, or a hungry
Glutton for an Entertainment: every Piece is a Venus, and every
Dish an Ortelan.
Ramb.
To say the Truth of her, Sotmore must have allowed her
handsome, and I must allow her to have been a damn'd, confounded,
common—
Hil. [Not regarding Ramble, runs to Constant.]
My Constant!
Ramb.
Hey-day! what, are we both in for Ravishing the same Woman?—I see
by her Fondness, he hath really Ravished her.
Hil.
Never to believe it can I bear.
Const.
How shall I repay this Goodness! Then by Heavens I am innocent.
Sotm.
Then I suppose this is she whom Constant hath Toasted this
half Year—his Honourable Mistress with a Pox.—Rare Company for a
Man who is in Prison for a Rape!
Hil.
And was you in that Scuffle which parted me and my Maid in
Leicester-Fields?
Const.
It was there this unfortunate Accident happened, while I was going
to the Place of our Appointment.
Hil.
It had like to have occasioned another to me, which, that I
escaped, I am to thank this Gentleman.
Ram.
Oh, Madam! your most obedient, humble Servant. Was it you, dear
Madam?
Const.
Ha! is it possible my Friend can have so far indebted me!—This is
a Favour I can never return.
Ramb.
You over-rate it, upon my Soul you do; I am sufficiently repayed by
this Embrace.
Const.
I can never repay thee.—Would'st thou have given me Worlds, it
could not have equall'd the least Favour conferr'd on this Lady.
Ramb.
I should have conferred some Favours on her indeed, if she would
have accepted them.
Hil.
Since you desire it—
Ramb.
I fancy, Madam, your Fright at that time may have occasioned your
forgetting some Circumstance; therefore since Capt. Constant
desires it, I will tell him the Story.—I had just parted from this
Gentleman, when I heard a young Lady's Voice crying out for help; (I
think the Word Rape was mentioned, but that I cannot perfectly
remember;) upon this, making directly to the Place whence the Noise
proceeded, I found this Lady in the Arms of a very rude Fellow—
Hil.
The most impudent Fellow, sure, that ever was born!
Ramb.
A very impudent Fellow, and yet a very cowardly one; for the Moment
I came up, he quitted his Hold, and was gone out of Sight in the
Twinkling of an Eye.
Const.
My dear Ramble, what hast thou done for me!
Ramb.
No Obligation, dear Constant! I would have done the same for
any Man breathing. But to proceed; the Watch came up, who would not be
satisfied with what she then said, but convey'd us both to the
Round-House, whence we were carried in the Morning before Justice
Squeezum, and by him, notwithstanding this Lady's Protestations,
your humble Servant was committed to that Place where he now finds
himself with this good Company.
Const.
Oh, my Friend!—May Heaven send me an Opportunity of serving thee
in the same Manner!
Ramb.
May that be the only Prayer which it denies to Constant.
Sotm.
And that is Liberty enough, while thou hast Punch here. If thy
House were a Sea of Punch, I would not prefer any House in Town to it.
Staff.
Your Honour shall not want that.
Sotm.
And I shall want nothing more.
Staff.
Captain, a Word with you.
[To Ramble.
There's Madam Squeezum below desires to speak with you
alone.
Ramb.
Bring her up.—Sotmore, you must excuse me a few Moments,
Constant and this Lady will entertain you.
Sotm.
Let the Moments be very few. I'll lay Five Gallons to One, this
Fellow hath another Whore in his Eye.
Ramble, Mrs. Squeezum.
Ramb.
So; my Affair with my Friend's Mistress is happily over.—That I
should not know a modest Woman! But there is so great an Affectation of
Modesty in some Women of the Town, and so great an Affectation of
Impudence in some Women of Fashion, that it is not impossible to
mistake. Now for Mrs. Justice, her Business with me is not
exceeding difficult to guess.
Mrs. Squeez.
You will think I have a vast deal of Charity, Captain, who am not
only the Solicitress of your Liberty at home to my Husband, but can
carry my Good-nature so far as to visit you in your Confinement. I
cannot say but I have a generous Pity for anyone whom I imagine to be
accused wrongfully.
Mrs. Squeez.
You are for the Cause of it. Wherefore do you imagine I ventured my
self alone with you this Morning?
Ramb.
From your great Humanity, Madam.
Mr. Squeez.
Alas, Sir! it was to try whether you were really the Man you were
reported to be; and I am certain I found you as inoffensive, quiet,
civil, well-bred a Gentleman as any virtuous Woman could have wished.
Your Behaviour was so modest, that I can never imagine it possible you
should have been guilty of a Rape. No over-grown Alderman of Sixty, or
taper Beau of Six and Twenty, could have been more innocent Company.
Ramb.
Whu!—
Ramb.
I'll take care, Madam, never to forfeit your good Opinion of me;
you may trust your self with me any where; I'll never behave in any
other manner than becomes the best-bred Man alive with the best-bred
Lady. I swear by this soft Hand, these Lips, and all the Millions of
Charms that dwell in this dear Body.
Mrs. Squeez.
What do you mean?
Ramb.
I know not what I mean; Tongue can't express, nor Thought
conceive—we can only feel the exquisite Pleasures Love has in store.
Mrs. Squeez.
Nay, I protest, and vow.
Ramb.
Protestations are as vain as Struggling. This Closet hath a Bed in
it that would not disgrace a Palace.
Sotm. [At the Door.]
Why, Ramble! Jack Ramble! Art thou not ashamed to leave thy
Friends thus, for some little dirty Strumpet? If thou dost not come
immediately, we'll break open the Door, and drown her in Punch.
Mrs. Squeez. [Softly.]
I am undone!—
Ramb.
Fear nothing—Go to your Bowl, I'll come this Instant.
Sotm.
I'll not wag without you.
Ramb.
Then I'll come down, break your Bowl and spill all your Liquor.
Sot.
Bring thy Whore along with thee; there's one there already, she'll
be glad of her Company: If you don't come in an Instant I will be back
again.
Mrs. Squeez.
What shall I do?
Ramb.
My Angel! Love shall instruct thee.
Mrs. Squeez.
Let me go—some other time—I will not run any Venture here.
Ramb.
I will not part with you.
Mrs. Squeez.
You shall hear from me in half an Hour. You shall have your
Liberty, and I'll appoint you where to meet me.
Ramb.
Shall I depend on you?
Mrs. Squeez.
You may.—Adieu.—Don't follow me: I can slip out a back Way.
Ramb.
Farewel, my Angel!
Ramble Solus.
Confound this drunken Rascal! This is not the first Time he hath
spoiled an Intrigue for me. But hold, as I am to have my Liberty
before-hand, I don't think this half Hour's Delay at all unlucky. That
Consideration may sufficiently compensate the staying of my Stomach.
This Adventure of mine begins to put on a tolerable Aspect. An Intrigue
with a rich Justice's Wife, is not to be slighted by a young Fellow of
a desperate Fortune. I do not doubt but in a very short Time, when I am
taken up for the next Rape, to bribe the Justice with his own
Money.—Lend a Man your Gold, he may forget the Debt; venture your
Life for him, he may forget the Obligation; but once engage his Wife,
and you secure his Friendship. There is no Friend in all Extremity so
sure as your
Cuckold—and the surest Hold you can take of a Man, as of a Bull,
is by his Horns.
Const.
O Ramble! this our better Genius hath invented the most
notable Plot!—Such a Net is laid for the Justice! it will at once
entangle him and disentangle us. Mr. Hoggshead here is to play
his Part too.
Ramb.
I am sorry we cannot do without him; for should there be any Claret
in his way, he'd disappoint the whole Affair for one Bottle.
Sotm.
Not for the best Burgundy in France. This Lady hath
won my Heart by one Bumper.—By all the Pleasures of Drinking, Madam,
I like you more than your whole Sex put together. There is no Honesty
in Man or Woman, that will not drink. Honesty is tried in Wine, as Gold
is in the Fire. Madam, you have made a Conquest of me. I'll drink your
Health as long as I can stand, and that's as long as a reasonable Woman
can require.
Hil.
I am exceedingly proud of my Conquest over a Man of Mr.
Sotmore's good Sense.
Const.
Upon my Word you may, you are the first Woman I believe he ever was
civil to.
Sotm.
It was because they none of them had your Merit; a Parcel of
Tea-drinking Sluts.—If I had a Daughter that drank Tea, I would turn
her out of Doors. The Reason that Men are honester than Women is, their
Liquors are stronger. If the Sex were bred up to Brandy and Tobacco, if
they all liked Drinking as well as you seem to do, Madam, I should turn
a Lover.
Ramb.
Why, Constant, such another Compliment could make thee
jealous.
Sotm.
Madam, I like you; and if a Bottle of Burgundy were on one
side, and you on the other; I do not know which I should chuse.
Const.
Thou would'st chuse the Bottle; I am sure.
Ramb.
But I long to hear this Conspiracy.
Sotm.
Then it must be below. I strictly forbid any Secrets to be told but
at the Council-Table. The Rose is ever understood over the
Drinking-Room, and a Glass is the surest Turnkey to the Lips.
Const.
That's contrary to the Opinion of Philosophers.
Sotm.
Of the sober ones it may; but all your wise Philosophers were a Set
of the most drunken Dogs alive. I never knew a sober Fellow but was an
Ass— and your Ass is the soberest of all Animals. Your sober
Philosophers, and their Works, have been buried long ago. I remember a
Saying of that great Philosopher and Poet, Horace, who wrote in
Falernias instead of Ink:
Quill.
Yes, an't please your Worship, left it at the Coffee-House, where
she directed me.
Squeez.
Very well.—Quill!
Quill.
Sir.
Squeez.
I think I may trust thee with any Secret— and what I am now going
to tell, will shew thee what
Confidence I put in thee.—In short, Quill, I suspect my
Wife—
Quill.
Of what, Sir?
Squeez.
I am afraid that I am not the only Person free with her, and that I
am free of the Corporation of Cuckolds.
Quill.
Then your Worship is free of all the Corporations in England.
Squeez.
Now thou knowest that there are very wholesome Laws against
Cuckoldom; the Advantage of a Man's Horns is, that he may shove his
Wife out of Doors with them.
Quill.
And that is no inconsiderable Advantage.
Squeez.
But there must be a Discovery first. It is not enough that a Man
knows himself to be a Cuckold, the World must know it too. He that will
keep his Horns in his Pocket, must keep his Wife in his Bosom.
Therefore, Quill, as it is in your Power to observe my Wife, I
assure you a very handsome Reward on her Conviction; for I begin to
find, that if I do not discover her, she will shortly discover me, or
ruin me by bribing her to hold her Tongue. It is not a little Gold will
make a Gag for a Woman.
Quill.
Sir, I shall be as diligent as possible.
Squeez.
And I as liberal on your Success.
Quill solus.
Indeed, Justice, that Bait will not do. I know you too well to trust to your Liberality. Your Wife will reward Services better than you. Besides, I have too much Honour to take Fees on both Sides.— And since I am her Pimp in ordinary, I'll go like an honest and dutiful Servant, and discover this Conspiracy; for should she once be turn'd out of the Family, I should make but a slender Market of this close-finger'd Justice, whose Covetousness would suffer no Rogues to live but himself.
The Constable's House. Ramble, Constant.
Ramb.
This little Mistress of yours is the most dextrous Politician, if
that drunken Puppy doth not disappoint us.
Const.
Never fear him! he hath Cunning enough and there hath been so long
a War in his Head between Wine and his Senses, that they seem now to
have come to an Agreement that he is never to be quite in them, nor
ever quite out of them; his Life is one continuous Scene of being half
Drunk.
Ramb.
Well, as we can be of no farther Use in this Affair, but must stay
here and expect the Issue; prythee tell me what hath become of you
these three long long Years since you quitted the Service of the
East India Company, and came over to England with
Sotmore?
Const.
Why, at my first Return to England, the Prospect of War was
in every one's Eye, and not only the Reports of the People, but the
Augmentation of the Troops assured us of its Approach; upon which, I
resolved to embarque my small Remains of Fortune in the Service of my
Country, and obtained the same Commission on that Occasion, which I had
enjoyed in the Indies. My History is not very full of
Adventures; I continued therein 'till the Reduction, when I shared the
Fate of several unhappy brave Fellows, and was sent a begging with a
red Coat on my Back.
Ramb.
It is the Faculty of the Cloth to be ragged —Red is as apt to be
ragged, as White to be soil'd. It is commonly the Fate of our brave
Soldiers to bring home ragged Cloaths, as well as Colours, and both are
rewarded by Westminster-Hall—the one is hung up in it, and the
other is locked up safe by an Order from it; for, Heaven be prais'd!
the Goals are always open Hospitals for us.
Ramb.
What, did she appear against you?
Const.
No; they said she was ill of some Bruises she had received, but
desired I might be kept in Custody till the Afternoon, at which Time
she would appear against me. But by what Hilaret hath told us,
and by some Methods which have been used to extort Money from me, I am
inclined to fancy it all a contrived Piece of Villany of the Justice,
and not of the Woman's, as I at first imagined.
Ramb.
Be assured of it;—if there be Roguery, the Justice hath the chief
Part in it. But, comfort your self with the Expectation of Revenge, for
I think he cannot possibly escape the Net we have spread, unless the
Devil have more Gratitude than he is reported to have, and will assist
his very good Friend at a crisis.
Const.
But, what do you intend in England, where you have no
Friends?
Ramb.
I know not yet whether I have or no. I left an old Father here, and
a rich one. He thought fit to turn me out of Doors for some Frolicks,
which it is probable, if he yet lives, he may have forgiven me by this.
But what's become of him I know not, for I have not heard one Word of
him these Ten Years.
Const.
I think you have been vastly careless, in neglecting him so long.
Ramb.
'Tis as I have acted in all Affairs of Life; my Thoughts have ever
succeeded my Actions; the
Consequence hath caused me to reflect when it was too late. I never
reasoned on what I should do, but what I had done; as if my Reason had
her Eyes behind, and could only see backwards.
Ramb. [Reads it.]
Ay, this is a Letter indeed!
Const.
What is it?
Ramb.
My Freedom, under a Sign manual from the Queen of these Regions.
Const.
Explain.
Ramb.
Then, Sir, in plain English, without either Trope or Figure,
it is a Letter from the Justice's Wife with an Order to the Constable
for my Liberty. [Reads.]
SIR,
I was no sooner recovered of the Fright which that unmannerly Friend of yours occasioned, than I have performed my Promise; you will find me at Home; the Constable hath Orders by the Bearer to acquit you.
Here's Good-nature for you! [Kisses the Letter.] Thou dear Wife of a damn'd Rogue of a Justice, I fly to thy Arms.
Const.
Heark'e! suppose you brought her to be a Witness to our
Design—and—here, take this Letter of Assignation from the Justice
to Hilaret; it will give your Discovery Credit.
Ramb.
An admirable Thought! I fly to execute it. Dear Constant,
good-morrow. I hope when next we meet, we shall meet
A Tavern.
Draw.
Sir, I know of none, but I'll ask at the Bar if you please.
Squeez.
Do—and leave Word if any such comes, to shew her up hither.—I
have no Reason to doubt her Company, but I am impatient for it. I
protest this Woman hath revived the Vigour of Youth in me; sure, I must
have over-reckoned my Years!—I cannot be above Forty-Nine at the
most.—I wish this dear Girl was come.—I am afraid I did wrong in
giving her those Five Shillings, in a Purse worth above Two Shillings
more, which who knows but she may be spending on some Bully, who will
perhaps send another Present to me in return?
Hil.
Young Lovers are commonly earlier than their Appointment.
Squeez.
Give me a Kiss for that.—Thou shalt find me a young Lover, a
vigorous young Lover too.— Hit me a Slap in the Face, do.—Bow-wow!
Bow-wow! I'll eat up your Cloaths.—Come, what will you drink? White
or Red?—Women love White best.—Boy, bring half a Pint of
Mountain.— Come, sit down; do, sit down.—Come, now let us hear
the Story how you were first debauched.— Come—that I may put it
down in my History at Home. I have the History of all the Women's Ruin
that ever I lay with, and I call it, The History of my own
Times.
Squeez.
It is really of a good reputable Size: I have done Execution in my
Time.
Hil.
And may do Execution still.
Boy. [Without.]
Half a Pint of Mountain in the Lion, score.
Squeez.
Well—But now let me have the History —Where did your Armour
begin—at Church, I warrant you: more Amours begin at Church than end
there.—Or perhaps, you went to see the Man of War—Going to see
Sights hath ruined many a Woman. No wonder Children are Lovers of them,
since so many owe their Being to them.
Hil. [Aside.]
I thank you for that remembrance, I had forgot my Lover.—Ay, Sir,
it was there indeed I saw him first, that was the fatal Scene of our
Interview.
Squeez.
Well, and was the Amour managed by Letter, or by word of Mouth?
Hil.
By Letter, Sir. I believe he writ two Quires of Paper to me before
I would send him an Answer. I returned him several un-opened, and then
several others opened—But at last—he obtained an Answer.
Squeez.
Well, and after your Answer, what followed then?
Hil.
Oh! he thought himself sure of me, as soon as I had answered his
Letter.
Squeez.
Ay, I have always observed in my Amours that when I received an
Answer, I never failed of the Woman; a Woman follows her Letter
infallibly: well and what did he say in the second Letter?
Hil.
Oh! he swore a thousand fond things, that his Love should last as
long as his Life. That his whole Happiness depended on me—and a vast
deal of that Nature.
Squeez.
Ay, ay, just as I have done my self. I find Whoring is as
Methodical as the Law.
Hil.
And I fancy as tedious with you, old Gentleman.
Hil.
Not many. He did not want much Encouragement.
Squeez.
Then passing over the rest of the Suit, let us come to the last
fatal Meeting.
Hil.
It was of a Sunday Morning.—
Squeez.
Right. My old method: When other People are gone to Church.
Hil.
In an exceeding hot Day.—
Squeez.
May or June?—Women and Cherries are commonly
gathered in the same Month.
Hil.
I was fatigued with walking in the Garden, and retired to an Arbour
to repose my self: guess what was my Surprize, when I found the dear
Perfidious had convey'd himself thither before me.
Squeez.
A sly Dog! My old way again. An Ambush is as useful in Love as War.
Hil.
At my first Entrance, he pretended a Surprize at seeing me
unexpectedly: but on my questioning him how and with what Design he had
conveyed himself there, he immediately threw off the Cloak and
confessed all: he flew to me, caught me in his Arms with the most eager
Raptures, and swore the most violent Love and eternal Constancy. I in
the greatest Agony of Rage repelled him with my utmost Force; he
redoubled his Attacks, I slackened my Resistance; he entreated, I
raved; he sighed, I cry'd; he pressed, I swooned; he—
Squeez.
Oh!—I can bear no longer, my Angel! my Paradise! my Honey-suckle!
my Dove! my Darling!
Hil.
What do you mean, Sir?
Squeez.
I mean to eat you up, to swallow you down, to squeeze you to
Pieces.
Hil.
Help there! a Rape, a Rape!
Squeez.
Oh lud!—Oh lud!
Sotm.
Fie upon you, Mr. Squeezum! you who are a Magistrate, you
who are the Preserver and Executor of our Laws, thus to be the Breaker
of them!
Squeez.
Can'st thou accuse me?
Hil.
You know too well how barbarously you have used me. For Pity's
sake, Sir, secure him; do not let him escape, 'till we send for a
Constable. If, there be any Law for a Justice, I am resolved to hang
him.
Squeez.
Oh lud! what Shame have I brought my self to! that ever I should
live to see this Day!
Sotm.
If thou hadst stood to thy Bottle like an honest Fellow this had
never happened, but you must go a Whoring with a Pox to you, at your
Years too; with these spindle Shanks, that weezle Face, that Crane's
Neck of a Body. Who would have imagined that such an old withered
May-pole as thou art should attempt to fall on a Woman? Why, thou wilt
be the Diversion of the whole Town.—Grubstreet will dine a
Month on your Account. Thou wilt be ushered to Tyburn with more
Pomp then Alexander was ushered into Babylon. Justice
never triumphs so universally as at the Execution of one of her own
Officers.
Squeez.
Sir, if there be Truth on Earth, I am as innocent —
Sotm.
All the Innocence on Earth will not save you —A Man doth not
always draw the Rope by the weight of his Sins. Your Innocence will not
acquit you in a Court of Justice, against her Oath; and when you come
to the Gallows, it will be vain to plead your Innocence. All's Fish
that comes to the Net there. The Gallows so seldom gets its due, that
it never parts with what it gets.
Hil.
Can you pretend to Innocence? was not this Gentleman an Eye-witness
to your Rudeness, to the Injuries you offered me?
Squeez.
I see I am betrayed, I am caught in my own Trap. There is but one
way to escape, which is the way I have opened to others. [Aside.]
I see, Madam, your Design is to extort Money from me. I am too well
acquainted with the Laws to contend: but I hope you will be reasonable,
for I am poor, very poor, I assure you: it is not for Men of my Honesty
to be rich.
Hil.
Sir, if you would give me Millions, it should not satisfie my
Revenge; you shall be hanged for an Example to others.
Squeez.
Here's a cruel Wretch! who prefers my Blood to my Gold, which is
almost my Blood.
Sotm.
Hey-day! what Vehicle is this? a Vinegar Bottle?—half a Pint, by
Jupiter! Why, thou sneaking Rascal, can'st thou pretend to Honesty,
when this Dram Glass hath been found upon thee? Were I thy Judge, or
thy Jury, this very sneaking Vehicle should hang thee, without any
other Evidence. But come, since you are to be hanged, I'll drink one
Bumper to your good Journey to the other World—You will find
abundance of your Acquaintance, whom you have sent before you—And
now, I'll go call the Drawer to fetch a Constable.
Squeez.
Hold, hold, Sir; for Mercy sake do not expose me so—Will nothing
content you, Madam?
Hil.
Nothing but the Rigour of the Law. Sir, I beseech you lose no Time,
but send for the Constable immediately.
Squeez.
I'll do any thing, I'll consent to any Terms.
Hil.
The Constable! the Constable!
Squeez.
Stay, dear Sir! I'll give you a hundred Guineas, I'll do any thing.
Hil.
Remember your vile Commitment of two Gentlemen this Morning—But I
will revenge the Injuries of my Friends—Sir, I beseech you send for
the Officers.
Hil.
It is too late.
Sotm.
Hearkee, Sir, will you leave off Whoring, and take to Drinking for
the future?
Squeez.
I'll leave them off both.
Sotm.
Then you shall be hanged: but if you will commence honest Fellow,
and get drunk every Day of your Life, I'll intercede with this Lady,
that on your acquitting the Gentleman you shall be acquitted your self.
Squeez.
I'll do any thing, I'll quit any thing.
Sotm.
Madam, let me persuade you to be merciful this time to this
unfortunate and undutiful Servant of Justice.
Hil.
Sir, I can deny you nothing.
Squeez.
Get me a Pen and Ink, I'll send an Order to bring him hither, and
discharge him instantly.
Sotm.
Drawer, bring Pen, Ink and Paper, and a Bottle of old Port.
Squeez. [to Hil.]
And could you have had the Conscience to have sworn against a poor
old Man?
Sotm.
Faith! 'twas a litttle cruel. Could you have had the Heart to see
him swinging like a gibbeted Skeleton? could you have served up such a
dry Dish to Justice—The Body of one of her own Children too?—But
here's the Paper—Come, Sir, write his Discharge and your own.
Hil.
Let a Woman alone for a Plot, Mr. Sotmore.
Sot.
Ay, Madam, a Woman that will drink a Bumper. Wine is the Fountain
of Thought, and
Sot.
It is their Drugs that debauch our Wine: Wine in it self is as
innocent as Water, and Physick poisons both. It is not the Juice of the
Grape, but of the Drug, that is pernicious. Let me advise you, Madam,
leave off your damn'd adulterated Water, your Tea, and take to Wine. It
will paint your Face better than Vermilion, and put more Honesty in
your Heart than all the Sermons you can read. I'll introduce you to
some Clubs of my Acquaintance, a set of honest Fellows that live in the
Clouds of Tobacco, and know no Home but a Tavern.
Squeez.
This Letter, Sir, will produce the Gentleman immediately.
Sot.
Here, Drawer—let this Letter be sent whither it is directed. Come
honest Justice, our Acquaintance hath an odd Beginning, but we may be
very good Companions soon: Let us sit down and expect our Friend in the
Manner it becometh us. Remember what you have bargained to do every Day
of your Life, and the Obligation shall be dated from this Hour. Come,
sit thee down, honest Publican, old Justice Merchant. [They sit]
Here's a Health to the Propagation of Trade, thy Trade I mean, to the
Encrease of Whores, and false Dice—Thou art a Collector of the
Customs of Sin, and he that would sin with Impunity, must have thy
Permit. Come, pledge me, old Boy; if thou leavest one Drop in the
Glass, thou shalt go to Goal yet, by this Bottle.
Squeez.
I protest, Sir, your Hand is too bountiful, you will overcome me
with Wine.
Sot.
Well, and I love to see a Magistrate drunk; it is a comely Sight:
When Justice is drunk, she cannot take a Bribe.
Squeez.
Do you not remember how the Athenians punished Drunkenness
in a Magistrate?
Sot.
And do not I know that we have no such Athenian Law among
us? We punish Drunkenness as well as other Sins, only in the Lower
Sort: Drink,
like the Game, was intended for Gentlemen—and no one should get
drunk, who cannot go home in a Coach—Come, Madam, it is your Glass
now.
Hil.
Dear Sir! I beg you would not compel me to it.
Sot.
By this Bottle, but I will, I'll ravish thee to it before the
Justice's Face. Come, it will be better for you than Tea, you will not
be obliged to sculk away and take a Dram after this. Come drink the
Justice's Health, as a Token of Amity; the Justice is a good honest
drunken Fellow. But let me give you some wholesome Advice, [to the
Justice] leave off fornicating, leave the Girls to the Boys, and
stand to thy Bottle: It is a Virtue becoming our Years; and don't be
too hard on a wild honest young Rake. Thou hast committed a couple of
the pretiest Boys to-day, don't do so any more.—Be as severe as you
please to Whores and Gamesters, that offer to act without your License;
but if ever you grant a Warrant for a Friend of mine again, you shall
not only drink the Wine, but eat the Bottle too. Come, here's your
Health, in Hopes of your Amendment; thou shalt pledge thy own Health in
a Bumper—Here, Boy, bring up a Gallon of Wine.
Squeez.
Not a Drop more.
Sot.
A Drop! confound the Name. Come, empty your Glass; the Lady is
a-dry.
Squeez.
This is worse than a Prison.
Sot.
You will get out of this with paying less Fees. Drink, I say.
Squeez.
Well—since I must.
Sot.
Come, we'll have a Song in praise of Drinking—I'll sing the
Stanza's, and you shall bear the Chorus.
Hil.
My Constant!
Sot.
Give you Joy, dear Constant, of your Liberty.
Const.
Thank you, dear Sotmore, to you I am partly obliged for it:
Ramble and I will make you Amends we'll give you six Nights for
this.
Sot.
Where is he?
Const.
Very safe; be not concerned about him.
Hil.
Well, Sir, since our Affair is ended, there is the Purse you
presented me this Morning. As I have not performed your Expectations
one Way, I'll give you what I believe you did not expect—your Money
again. It is unopen'd, I assure you.
Squeez.
Thou art welcome however.
Sot.
Come, Gentlemen, be pleased to take every Man his Chair and his
Glass; we will dedicate on Hour or two to drinking, I am resolv'd.
Squeez.
First we will sacrifice to Justice. Mr. Constable, do your
Duty.
Staff.
Come in there.
The Assistants seize Constant, Hilaret, and Sotmore.
Squeez.
Seize those People in the King's Name— I accuse that Woman and
that Man of conspiring to swear a Rape against me.
Staff.
It is in vain to contend, Gentlemen.
Hil.
Oh the Villain!
Squeez. [to Sot.]
The next Letter you extort, Sir, be sure to examine the Contents.
Sot.
Thou Rascal! will not even Wine make thee Honest.
Squeez.
Observe, Gentlemen, how abusive he is; but I'll make an Example of
you all: I'll prosecute you to the utmost Severity of the Law,—Mr.
Constable, convey the Prisoners to your House, whence you shall have
Orders to bring them before a Justice.
Sot.
And art thou really in Earnest?
Squeez.
You shall find I am, Sir, to your Cost.
Sot.
Then I have found one Man with whom I would not drink a Glass of
Wine.
Staff.
Come, Gentlemen, you know the Way to my House—I am particularly
glad to see your Honour [to Sotmore] and will accommodate you in
the best Manner I can.
Const.
I am too well acquainted with Misfortune, to repine at any; but how
shall I bear yours, my Hilaret?
Hil.
The less you seem to bear, the more you will lighten mine.
Sot.
I must give the Justice one Wish. May Heaven rain Small-Beer upon
thee, and may it corrupt thy Body, till it is as putrified as thy Mind.
Hil.
One Blessing only may Heav'n leave thy Life,
May it take all things from thee—but thy Wife.
SCENE Politick's House.
Politick solus.
Pol.
Sure, never Child inherited less of a Father's Disposition than
mine; her Mother certainly played me foul in the begetting her: I, who
have been my whole Life noted for Sobriety, could never have given
Being to so wild a Creature: I begin to recollect having seen a tall
Half-pay Officer at my House formerly: Nor do I think the Girl unlike
him. I am sure she hath been ever wild enough, to have had any Officer
in the Kingdom for her Father. Nature hath been kind to the Male of all
Creatures but Master, The Bull, the Horse, the Dog are not encumbered
even with their own Off-spring; that Care falls only to the Females:
But Man, when once a gabling Priest hath chattered a few mischievous
Words over him, in bound to have and to hold from that Day forward all
the Brats his Wife is pleased to bestow on him. Yet I must own the Girl
hath been ever dutiful to me, till she became acquainted with this
cursed Fellow in a Red Coat. Why should Red have such Charms in the
Eyes of a Woman? The Roman Senate kept their Armies abroad to
prevent their sharing in their Lands at home, we should do the same to
prevent their sharing in our Wives. A tall lusty Fellow shall make more
work for a Midwife in one Winter at home, than he can for a Surgeon in
ten Summers abroad.
Faith.
No, Sir; but there is some News from the Secretaries Office, a Mail
is arrived from Holland, and you will have the Contents of it in
one of the Evening Papers.
Pol.
Very well! I must be patient. I think we have three Mails together
now: I am not satisfied at all with the Affairs in the North: The
Northern Winds have not blown us any Good lately; the Clouds are a
little darker in the East too than I could wish them.
Dab.
Are the Mails come in?
Pol.
Just arrived.
Dab.
I have not slept one wink for reflecting on what you told me last
Night; perhaps this Dutch Mail may give some Insight into those
Affairs. But what says the Lying-Post?
Pol.
I have had no time to read it yet, I wish you would. I have only
read, The London Journal, the Country Journal, the Weekly
Journal, Applebee's Journal, the British Journal, the
British Gazeteer, the Morning Post, the Coffee-House Morning
Post, the Daily Post, the Daily Post-Boy, the Daily Journal, the
Daily Courant, the Gazette, the Evening Post, the Whitehall
Evening Post, the London Evening Post, and the St. James's
Evening Post. So, if you please begin the Lying Post.
Dab. [reads.]
Moscow, January the fifth. 'We learn from Constantinople,
that Affairs continue still in the same doubtful way, it is not yet
known what Course our Court will take. The Empress having been slightly
indisposed the other Day took the Air in her own Coach, and returned so
well recovered, that she eat a very hearty Supper.—
Dab.
Berlin, January the 20th. 'We hear daily Murmurs here
concerning certain Measures taken by certain Northern Potentate; but
cannot certain learn either who that Potentate is, or what are the
Measures which he hath taken—mean time we are well assured that Time
will bring them all to light.'
Pol.
Pray read that last over again.
Dab.
'Mean time, we are well assured that Time will bring them all to
light.'
Pol.
Hum! hum!
Dab.
Marseilles, January the 18th. 'The Affairs in regard to
Italy, continue still in the same uncertain Condition.'
Pol.
Hum.
Dab.
'The Talk of a large Embarkation still runs high.'
Pol.
Hum.
Dab.
'The Spaniards continue still encamped near Barcelona.
'
Pol.
Hum!
Pol.
All is well again!
Dab.
I like this, and some other Papers, who disappoint you with good
News. Where the beginning of a Paragraph threatens you with War, and
the latter part of it ensures you Peace.
Pol.
Please to read on—
Dab.
'However, notwithstanding these Assurances, 'tis doubted by most
People, whether the said Courier will not rather bring a Confirmation
of the War; but this is all guess-work, and till such time as we see an
actual Hostility committed, we must leave our Readers in the same
uncertain State we found them.
Pol.
Hum! There is no Certainty to be come at, I find; it may be either
Peace or War.
Pol.
I don't like that; hearing Mass is seldom the Forerunner of good
News.
Dab.
'It is observable that Cardinal Fleury—'
Pol.
Ay, now for it.
Dab.
'It is observable that Cardinal Fleury hath for several Days
last past been in close Conference with the Minister of a certain
State, which causes various Speculations; but as we do not know what
was the Matter in Debate, we cannot say what may be the Consequence
thereof. Mean time we cannot help observing, that it hath occasioned
some People to put on very serene Looks, who had worn cloudy ones for
some time before: Some imagine on comparing this with the News from
Marseilles, that a War will be unavoidable—others, who are more
peaceably inclined, are as strenuous Advocates on the other side—We
must refer the whole to the Determination of Time, that great Judge in
worldly Affairs, who never fails with his two-edged Scithe to mow down
the Weeds, which shadow over the secret Counsels of State, and lay them
open to the naked Eye of the discerning Politician.
Pol.
Shall I beg to hear that over again?
Pol.
Don't interrupt us—Blockhead.
Pol.
Sirrah! Peace.
Faith.
Sir, my young Mistress, Miss Hilaret, will be undone,
ruined, hanged, if you do not assist her; she is taken up for a
Rape—Oh! my poor young Lady the sweetest, best-temper'd Lady sure
that ever was born. Oh! that ever I should see the Day! And can you sit
here, Sir, reading a parcel of damn'd confounded lying Nonsense, and
not go to your Daughter's Assistance?
Pol.
Sure the Fellow is possessed.
Faith.
Sir, your Daughter is possessed—possessed by Constables—she is
taken up for a Rape.
Pol.
My Daughter taken up for a Rape!
Faith.
Yes, Sir, for Ravishing a Justice of Peace.
Pol.
Sure some Accident hath touched the Fellow's Brain.
Faith.
Ay, Sir, and it would touch yours too, if you had a Grain of
Humanity in you.—Oh! that I should live to see my poor young Lady in
such a Misfortune.
Pol.
A Woman taken up for a Rape—it is impossible.
Faith.
They may swear it tho' for all that—I know her to be as modest a
good young Lady as any in the Kingdom; but what will not a set of
Rogues swear. Sir, I liv'd with Squeezum before I liv'd with
you; and know him to be as great a Villain as any in the Kingdom. Do,
good Sir, come but with me to Justice Worthy's, if you do not
find your Daughter there, turn me away for a Vagabond.
Dab.
I do remember, Neighbour Politick, to have seen in some
News-Paper a Story not very different from this.
Pol.
Nay, if you have seen it in a News-Paper, it may probably have some
Truth in it; so Neighbour Dabble you will excuse me, I will meet
you within an Hour at the Coffee-house, and there we will confer
farther.
Worthy's House.
Isa.
And yet our Laws, Brother Worthy, are as rigorous as those
of other Countries, and as well executed.
Wor.
That I wish they were; but Golden Sands too often clog the Wheels
of Justice, and obstruct her Course: The very Riches which were the
greatest Evidence of his Villany, have too often declared the Guilty
innocent; and Gold hath been found to cut a Halter surer than the
sharpest Steel.
Isa.
Well, I am resolved to take care how I venture a step again after
it is dark: I find the Sun is the only Guard to us Women; for however
chaste the Moon may be in her self, she takes but very little care of
ours.
Wor.
But could the Villain be very rude?
Isa.
As rude as so short a time would permit. I would have given all I
was worth in the World, to have been here; but since I escaped, let us
forget it.
Wor.
Forget! By Heaven it shocks me, that we who boast as wholsome Laws
as any Kingdom upon Earth, should by the Roguery of some of their
Executors lose all their Benefit. I long to see the time when here, as
in Holland, the Traveller may walk unmolested, and carry his
Riches openly with him.
Wor.
What is the occasion of all this Passion, Mr. Squeezum?
Squeez.
Occasion! I have scarce Power to tell you. I have discovered one of
the most damnable Conspiracies, that hath been invented since the
Gunpowder-Treason Plot.
Wor.
Nothing against the Government, I hope.
Squeez.
Marry, but it is; for that which is against the Officers of the
Government, is against the Government. In short, Sir, it is a
Conspiracy against me, against my self. What do you think, Brother
Worthy, but that moved and seduced by the Instigation of the Devil,
a vile Woman hath conspired to swear a Rape against me?
Wor.
A Rape against you! foolish Jade! Why your very Face would acquit
you—you have Innocence in your Looks, Brother Squeezum.
Squeez.
I hope my Character will acquit me against such an Accusation.
Wor.
I think it ought; a Man whose Character would not, is very unfit
for that honourable Commission you bear.
Squeez.
True! these Slurs reflect on us all. The accusing a Member, is
accusing the Body. We should consider it may be our own case. We should
stand by one another, as the Lawyers do. I hope, Brother, you will shew
me extraordinary Justice; and I assure you, should any Affair of yours
come before me, my Partiality shall lean on your side.
Wor.
Partiality, Sir! I hope no Cause of mine will ever require it. I
assure you, I shall do you the strictest Justice; I believe you will
not need more.
Wor.
To discountenance it by the Innocence of our Lives, is indeed
laudable, but no farther. It is a cursed Law, which exempts the Maker,
or the Executor of it, from its Penalty.
Squeez.
Truly, Brother Worthy, I think the Makers of Laws, and the
Executors of them, should be free of them; as Authors and Actors are
free of the Playhouse.
Wor.
You are ludicrous, Mr. Squeezum. But let me tell you, he is
the greatest of Villains, who hath the Impudence to hold the Sword of
Justice, while he deserves its Edge.
Squeez.
And let me tell you, Brother Worthy, he is the greatest of
Fools, who holds the Sword of Justice, and hurts himself with it.
Isa.
Brother, your Servant; my Presence will be very little necessary at
this Tryal.
Worthy, Squeezum, Constant, Hilaret, Staff, Sotmore, Brazencourt, Fireball, three Assistants.
Squeez.
But here come the Prisoners—Brother Worthy, this is the
Woman whom I accuse of this detestable Fact;—the Manner of it was
this. I received a Letter in an unknown Hand, appointing me to meet at
a Tavern, which out of pure Good-nature I comply'd with; and upon my
Arrival found that Woman there alone, who after a short Discourse laid
hold of me and bawl'd out, on which that Man there entered, and both
threaten'd me, that unless I immediately discharged that Man [points
to Const.] with another whom I had committed for notorious Crimes,
that the Woman should swear a Rape against me— This I am ready to
swear.—
Wor.
What do you say, young Woman, to this? You do not look like one
whom I should suspect of such a Behaviour.
Hil.
That I did threaten him, as he says, indeed I confess.
Wor.
But did he attempt any such thing?
Hil.
I can't say he did, but—
Squeez.
Do you hear this, Brother Worthy? I think you have nothing
to do but to make her Mittimus.
Wor.
And for what Reason did you offer this?
Hil.
I offer'd it only to frighten him to the Discharge of two
Gentlemen, whom he had villanously committed to the Custody of that
Constable.
Wor.
For what Crimes do they stand committed Mr. Constable?
Staff.
For two Rapes, an't please your Worship.
Hil.
One of them on my Account—tho' I never swore the least thing
against him.
Wor.
On your Account,—I begin to be afraid he was unjustly committed
indeed.
Squeez.
Now Sir, we shall proceed to blacken a little the Character of this
Woman. Call Mr. Brazencourt; Mr. Brazencourt, what do you
know of this fine Lady?
Brazen.
I know nothing more of her, than that I kept her half a Year.
Wor.
Kept her!—in what Capacity did you keep her?
Brazen.
In the Capacity of a Whore, till I was obliged to turn her off, for
stealing four of my Shirts, two pair of Stockings, and my Common-prayer
Book.
Squeez.
Call Captain Fireball.
Wor.
Captain Fireball, pray, do you know any Harm of that Person
there?
Fire.
Harm of her! ay, and so doth my Surgeon too. She came to me from
Major Brazencourt. I kept her two Months.
Wor.
By and by. You must not interrupt them— Go on. Did you lose any
thing by her too?
Fire.
No, but I got something by her, which made my Surgeon get something
by me—I love to express my self in modest Terms, but I believe you
all know what I mean.
Constant.
Damnation!
Squeez.
Call Mr. Drury. We shall blacken her farther presently.
Wor.
Indeed, you need not; let us hear no more; for her sake, I will
never put Confidence in an innocent Countenance again.—Well, Woman,
can you say any thing for your self?
Hil.
Oh! that I could hide my self for ever from the World, and never
from this Hour behold the Sun again.
Wor.
Indeed but you shall, Madam, and be beheld by others too.
Const.
Come to my Bosom, thou dearest, sweetest, loveliest, hide thy
Sorrows there—Death only shall tear thee from my Arms again. Death,
Hell it self cannot have a Torment equal to seeing one Tear of thine.
Sot.
Heark'e, Justice, I believe thou art honester than thy Brother; I
am sure thou canst not be a greater Rogue: If thou wilt act the right
Part, acquit us, and send that Villain to Prison.
Worthy, Squeezum, Constant, Hilaret, Sotmore, Staff, Constable, Assistants, Politick, Faithful, Cloris.
Faith.
Now, Sir, will you believe your own Eyes?— Is not that your own
Daughter?
Pol.
It is indeed. O my unfortunate Child—
Wor.
Mr. Politick, your humble Servant—I will but commit this
Woman to Goal, and then I will be at your Command.
Wor.
Your Daughter, Sir?
Pol.
Yes, Sir, my Daughter, Sir.
Hil.
Oh! my Father!
Pol.
My poor Child!—That ever I should live to see thee in such a
Misfortune!
Wor.
Is it possible, Mr. Politick, that this young Lady is your
Daughter?
Pol.
Yes, Sir, it is as possible, as that the Turks may come into
our Part of Europe; and I wish this may not be as sure as that.
Worthy, Squeezum, Constant, Hilaret, Staff, Constables, Assistants, Politick, Faithful, Sotmore, Cloris, Ramble, Mrs. Squeezum, Quill.
Mrs. Squeez.
Where is this Glory of the Bench, this Gallant Justice? this Terror
and Example of Sin? Do you know this Hand, Sir? Did you write this
Assignation? You are a noble Gentleman truly, to make an Appointment
with a fine Lady, and then bring her before a Magistrate.
Squeez.
O my malignat Stars!
Wor.
Mrs. Squeezum, what is the matter?
Mrs. Squeez.
You Mr. Worthy, I am sure will pity one who hath the
Misfortune to be married to a Man, who is as much a Scandal to the
Commission he bears, as you are an Honour to it; my Conscience hath
been too long burthened with conniving at his Rogueries. He, Sir, he
alone is guilty, and every one whom he hath accused is innocent.
Wor.
I know not what to think.
Ramb.
Sir, that Fellow there, that Butcher of Justice, is the greatest
Villain that ever was born— Being a little frolicksome last Night
with this Lady, that Constable seiz'd us. 'Tis to me she is indebted
for all this Trouble; tho' Mr. Constable may claim some Share, in
not suffering us to depart at her Desire.
Mrs. Squeez.
And Mr. Justice may claim a little, who committed you to the
Constable's House without any Evidence, or even Accusation.
Ramb.
That he might extort two hundred Pounds, for which Sum he offered
to compromise the Matter.
Squeez.
Heark'e, Madam, I shall be obliged to commit you so Bedlam.
Mrs. Squeez.
No, Sir, I shall prevent you in that, as well as in your other
Designs; your Plot with Mr. Quill, which the whole World shall
know; you shall be divorced, Sir, tho' not the Way you desire.
Squeez.
Sir, I beseech you to hear no more.
Wor.
That, Sir, I cannot grant.
Ramb.
Sir, I desire that you would read that Letter, which he sent to
this young Lady whom he hath accused.
Wor. [Reads.]
'My little Honey-suckle, I will meet you within this half Hour at
the Eagle. I hope after what you have received from me to-day,
you will not disappoint yours till then and ever-after.— Did you
write this Letter, Mr. Squeezum?
Squeez.
No, Sir, as I am ready to swear.
Mrs. Squeez.
Sir, I will swear it to be his Hand—
Faith.
And so will I—I lived with him a Twelvemonth, and therefore
should know it.
Quill.
And I carried it to the Lady.
Sot.
Come, come, Justice, thou hast Proof enough of her Innocence. I
will give you the Word of a Man of Honour, which is more than the Oaths
of twenty such Scoundrels as these, that she never intended more than
to frighten him to the Acquittal of Captain Constant here, whom
he had unjustly committed.
Const.
And offered to acquit for a Sum of Money.
Wor.
Captain Constant! is your Name Constant, Sir?
Const.
At your Service.
Squeez.
Come, Sir, this is only losing Time—I want the Mittimus.
Worthy, Squeezum, Ramble, Constant, Sotmore, Hilaret, Politick, Mrs. Squeezum, Quill, Staff, Faithful, &c. Isabella.
Wor.
Sister, do you know this Gentleman?
Isa.
Captain Constant! It is happy for me that I do—I thank
you, Sir, for your generous Rescue last Night, which my Fright at that
time prevented my acknowledging.
Const.
And was it you, Madam?—
Ramb.
My Isabella!
Isa.
Ha!—it is, it is my Ramble—
Ramb.
My Touch deceives me not, it is my charming She, once more restored
to my despairing Hopes.
Isa.
What lucky Stars can have contrived this Interview?
Ramb.
Very lucky Stars they appear now; but they had a confounded ugly
Aspect some time ago.
Isa.
Surprizing! Brother, let that Fellow be secured. He was the Person
from whose Hands this Gentleman delivered me.
Wor.
Surprizing Villany!—secure them instantly. And particularly that
Justice,—whom I shall no longer treat as a Gentleman, but as his
Villany hath merited—Constable, I charge you with them all— and let
them be kept below in the Parlour, whither I will come immediately and
sign their Commitment.
Squeez.
Sir, you shall wish you had dealt more favourably with me.
Wor.
Sir, your Threatnings will not terrifie me.
Mrs. Squeez.
I'll follow thee, like thy evil Genius, till I have brought thee to
that Justice thou deservest.
Isa.
The Sea hath been even kinder than your Wish, it hath return'd you
both.
Ramb.
I should have soon forgotten that Loss, in having Isabella;
yet for her sake, the Teasure is welcome too.
Wor.
Mr. Politick, I am heartily concerned at this Misfortune
which hath befallen your Daughter.
Ramb.
Mr. Politick!—By Heavens, his Features are the same. Had
you not a Son, Sir, once?
Pol.
Yes, Sir, I had; but I turn'd him out of Doors, and believe he was
hanged long ago.
Ramb.
Then I am his Ghost, just arrived from the Indies. When you
turn'd me out of Doors, I got admitted into the East-India
Company's Service; I changed my Name in order to escape your
Discovery—and I hope you will now give us both your Blessing.
Pol.
And are you really that wild Fellow my Son?
Ramb.
I am that very identical wild Person, I assure you.
Pol.
I don't know whether I'll give you my Blessing or no, till I see
how you are married.
Wor.
Mr. Politick, I rejoice in the Union of our Families; this
Lady, your Son's Wife, is my Sister— and if fourscore thousand Pounds
can make the Match agreeable to you, it will be so.
Isa.
Sir, I doubt him not.
Ramb.
Well, Father, I have nothing more to ask of you, but in Favour of
my Friend Captain Constant whose Love I am certain will compleat
the Happiness of my Sister.
Wor.
I think I have never been witness to such Complication of Villany.
Sir, [to Constant] I assure you, and all of you, you shall have
sufficient Reparaton for the Injuries you have suffer'd. And Sir, by
the Characters which I have had from my Sister of that Gentleman, I do
not think your Daughter can be better disposed of, let the Difference
of Fortune be what it please.
Ramb.
Besides, tho' his Estate be not equal now it may become so; for no
Man hath a better Insight into Politicks.
Pol.
Nay, if his Studies bend that Way, no Man indeed can tell to what
his Estate may come— Had I known this sooner, my Doors should never
have been shut against him. Sir, I shall be glad to confabulate with
you at my House—and if you should set your Heart on my Daughter, I do
not believe I shall do any thing to break it.
Ramb.
Nay, Sir, there is no Hour like the Present. This Hour hath proved
lucky to your Family— Give me leave to present your Daughter to one
whom if she deserves, I shall be proud of calling her Sister.
Const.
Ramble, you have crown'd my Obligations with a Gift, far
dearer than the Earth could prove.
Hil.
I only wish you may always think so, Captain. And now, Pappa, I
hope you will pardon this Night's Sally, to both me and poor Cloris;
we have been already
sufficiently punished; and since the Event is happy, imitate in
this one thing the Turks, and consider it favourably, as it hath
been prosperous.
Pol.
The Turks! I wish you were better acquainted with them than
in Romances; I hope that Gentleman will take care to instruct you in
publick Affairs.—Well Jack [to Ramble] I long to have
some Communication with you about the Affairs of the Indies and
the Posture of our Trade there—I hope you left the Great Mogul
in good Health—
Ramb.
Very slightly indisposed of a Cold at my departure.
Pol.
I heartily forgive you all: So let me see you all embrace one
another—This is the Comfort of age, Mr. Worthy.
Sot.
Let me embrace you all together—I have found this Day two good
Women—and they have fallen to the Share of my Friends—and I will
get drunk this Night, if the Spirit of Wine will do it— I drink to
your Happiness, while you are enjoying it—While you are tasting the
Joys of Venus, I will swallow down the Delights of Bacchus
—I despair of either of your Company this Month yet— but the Justice
shall celebrate this Night with me— Come, honest Justice—I have
found one honest Justice too—
Wor.
Really, Sir, I think you have sufficiently celebrated already—
Sot.
No, but I have not—and you, Sir, will be drunk at your Children's
Wedding-Night.
Pol.
I never drink any thing but Coffee, Sir.
Sot.
Damn your Coffee—
Ramb.
Sotmore, thou shalt have Justice— Mr. Worthy, I
assure you, notwithstanding this Humour, the World hath not an honester
Man.
Wor.
It is pity he should besot himself so. Your character of him
encourages me to employ some Labour in advising him, to quit so beastly
a Pleasure.— Come Gentlemen, I desire you would celebrate this Day at
my House to-morrow. I will proceed to take
all possible Measures to your receiving Satisfaction for your
Injuries, and making publick Example of so great a Villain: for the
Crimes of a Magistrate give the greatest Sanction to Sin.