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CHARACTERS: Mezzetin, also Croquignolet, and as a Dutchman Pierrot Columbine Harlequin, also as Commissary Isabelle, also Glandine Cinthio Pasquariel Five men, two women.
Mezzetin
What do I see, Pierrot? Am I having hallucinations? Yes? No? It's
she, it's my sister!
Pierrot
Your sister? I don't believe it without touching her, sir.
Mezzetin
It's herself—and what are you doing here, Miss Runaway?
Columbine
Oh, brother dear, don't get upset. I will tell you.
Mezzetin
And what will you tell me, brazen one? Wait—it makes me want to
make a mess of your gizzard.
Columbine
My poor Pierrot.
Pierrot
My poor Pierrot! Your brother's right. As for me, I love honor, and
I don't like it for a girl to frequent night haunts.
Mezzetin
Speak then, tell me what reason you had to leave the paternal
house?
Pierrot
Sir, do you want to bet that it's love that's taken the field?
Girls are ships that ordinarily don't sail forth, except in that wind.
Columbine
I will tell you, brother, that as soon as you had left, there came
a young knight—the politest knight in the world, to ask for a room in
our hotel. To not appear less polite than he, I made all the courtesies
of which I was capable. So why did you leave me alone? (she says this
in tears)
Pierrot
I have always told you, sir, company is necessary for girls—be it
only a broomstick.
Mezzetin
Well, then?
Columbine
As soon as he arrived, he begged me, but in the most polite way in
the world, to give him a room. So to please him, from politeness, I
showed him the best room in the house myself: the one at the foot of
the courtyard.
Pierrot
From politeness?
Columbine
From politeness. But he didn't want to stay there, fearing it would
not be healthy because of the humidity.
Mezzetin
He was right.
Columbine
Seeing that he had difficulty in staying in that room—and that he
was so polite—I took him to another room which gave on the
street—over the stable.
Pierrot
From politeness?
Columbine
From politeness. But he proved to me he couldn't sleep there
because, being tired and in need of quiet, the horses would interrupt
his sleep at night.
Mezzetin
Listen, there's a fellow who has a lot of trouble getting sleep.
Pierrot
Perhaps, not so much as you think.
Columbine
I found his thinking was good—for when one is trying to sleep,
it's irritating to be interrupted. Seeing that he needed rest and that
he always displayed the most polite manners, I felt obliged to put him
in a place far away from any noise. You know that my room gives on the
garden, and I took him there.
Pierrot
From politeness?
Columbine
Assuredly. Wouldn't you have done that in my place, Pierrot?
Pierrot
Without doubt! And, I would be furious if someone else were more
polite than I was.
Mezzetin
There's politeness that could indeed lead us into crime.
Columbine
He found that my room was good enough for him, and made me
understand that he would be delighted to sleep there. I told him as
well, that since this spot pleased him, I would put a bed for him
beside mine.
Pierrot
From politeness?
Columbine
What do you think? But, as he was extremely polite, he refused the
offer which I made him for fear of inconveniencing me, and said that he
wouldn't suffer that my room be disturbed for love of him, and that he
would sooner sleep in the stable, than cause me the least
inconvenience.
Pierrot
Oh, in a stable—the poor young man. That makes me pity him.
Columbine
His politeness broke my heart. A girl isn't made of wood, and
seeing that my room pleased him so much, I told him—but you will get
angry?
Mezzetin
No, no.
Columbine
I told him—but, promise me you won't be furious?
Pierrot
Ouf—watch out for politeness!
Columbine
I told him he could sleep in my bed.
Pierrot
From politeness. My word, sir, you have a well-schooled sister.
Mezzetin
Oh, sister knows how to live. It's not a great misfortune. You went
to sleep in another room?
Columbine
I could have, of course, but I was not in control. He would never
let me inconvenience myself for love of him. He said he was in despair
to have despoiled me of my bed, and—
Pierrot
Now, that's a polite fellow.
Mezzetin
All right, then, what are you trying to say?
Columbine
He said he'd loved me for a long while, and that he wished to be my
husband, and he gave me his promise, which I still have—
Mezzetin
Ah, unfortunate girl. So, that's it, just heaven. But you won't
escape my vengeance, and—
Pierrot
Never mind, sir, a good marriage will settle everything.
Columbine
I don't see how it was such a bad thing to sleep with one's
husband.
Mezzetin
It is necessary to try to remedy all this. Enter into this hostel,
and take care to say that you know me.
Pierrot
My word, I keep coming back to it. Here's a polite girl, to give
half of her bed to a lad—and then, the poor child, the poor child.
CURTAIN
Harlequin without his mask, holding a knapsack on his shoulder.
Mezzetin as Croquignolet. Isabelle as Glandine, servant of the
Inn.
Harlequin
Damn, sir! I am unable to go any further. I have a raw ass! Plague
on all trips. Did they send you a summons and are you going to see the
army?
Mezzetin
It's that I have a martial heart.
Harlequin
I believe that. Mr. Croquignolet, your father, and Madame
Croquignolet, your mother, will be very surprised when we arrive in
their shop—their son, the lawyer, returning from Flanders.
Mezzetin
Oh, I believe it.
Harlequin
All the strollers in the quarter will crowd into your shop, to know
the news of the war.
Mezzetin
That'll be funny enough—to a young practitioner like me, to have
already seen a tumultuous battle, and to be returned safe and sound.
Harlequin
Oh, by God, sir, you can go anywhere, like this—and I guarantee
you will never be injured.
Mezzetin
It's still a little hot.
Harlequin
True, but you took the air on Mount Pagnote at three long leagues
from the cannon.
Mezzetin
I didn't go to get myself stupidly killed. It wouldn't have been
honest for me to die of it, and I would've been enraged for the rest of
my life, if I wasn't killed like a fool.
Harlequin
Ho! You're right, sir. Let's get to the country, if you please. Let
us go quickly to your father, to visit his Burgundy wine, for I feel
the need of strength.
Mezzetin
Ho, I am warned against going to my father.
Harlequin
And, by whom?
Mezzetin
They sent to tell me at the army, that my big sister, Toinon, had
the smallpox and I wouldn't enjoy being scarred by it.
Harlequin
It's much better to protect your complexion, and it will be really
insulting for a young man who has been spared by the cannon to expose
himself to such an insolent malady. Let's stop at the first hostel—I
believe this one will do our business.
(Harlequin knocks at the door of the Inn.)
Isabelle (under the name of Glandine, servant of the Inn)
Good day, gentlemen. What do you wish?
Harlequin
Come, child, a room, a fire, and a good meal. I will stop willingly
enough where there's good wine and a pretty wench.
Isabelle
Gentlemen, you will have everything you want. We lack nothing here.
Mezzetin
Come, child, take off my boots. (he raises his foot for Isabelle)
Isabelle (pushing him off)
Take your boots off? Sir, go find your girls to do that. It's not
my business.
Mezzetin
You mean you're not also the valet of this stable?
Harlequin
Sir, there's a wench that seems very determined, but it seems to me
she's raking you over the coals a little.
Mezzetin
My word, this little baggage is pretty. Come here, child. Are you
married?
Isabelle
No, sir, thank God. I have no such honor. It is a bad year for
girls. All the boys are gone to war.
Harlequin
And still there is one who isn't. If this little baggage wanted to,
we'd soon bring this affair to it's conclusion.
Mezzetin
I feel that something is tickling me. Hey, do you quite understand
me?
Isabelle (shrugging her shoulders)
Here's a real imbecile.
Harlequin (to Isabelle, low)
It's a dummy with no common sense.
Mezzetin (making leering faces at Isabelle)
If you wanted me to relax from my martial exploits—I have some
money, yes.
Isabelle
Good, I'm quite safe with your money, it's never been that that
tempted me. I prefer a man who pleases me to all the treasures of the
world, and if you want me to speak frankly, I prefer your valet to you.
(she pushes Harlequin in the stomach)
Harlequin
On my oath, the little wench has good taste. Withdraw, sir, there
aren't any secrets here for your hungry ears. (pushing Mezzetin)
Mezzetin (coming close to Isabelle)
Do you know, little rogue, that I come from the army?
Isabelle
You from the army? You so quaintly dressed with your black clothes;
it was you, then, who carried orders for the Dutch who were killed?
Mezzetin
What the devil—if someone cared to doubt it, I could make him see
that it was Mathurin Croquignolet, volunteer foot soldier, following
the army.
Harlequin
And lawyer in parliament!
Isabelle
Oh, you are a valorous person. I believe nothing could make a
Mathurin Croquignolet flee from the chickens in the cellar.
Mezzetin
This baggage is not taken with my merit. I am still a scamp with
the ladies. (he teases her)
Isabelle
I beg you, sir, control yourself. I don't like to be pestered. If
you want to stay with us—there is the open door. If not, I am your
very humble servant. (she tries to go back into the inn)
Mezzetin (holding her by the arm)
I don't wish to leave here, the pretty tavern. (he tries to enter
the inn after her)
Cinthio (who has seen Mezzetin, leaves the Inn and pushes
Mezzetin rudely)
By what right, sir, if you please, do you take liberties with this
girl here?
Mezzetin
By what right? My right, if you please.
Cinthio
It's your pleasure? Believe me, my little drunken fool. Don't burn
my ears, for I can take offense to such a thing, and it will much
displease you.
Mezzetin
Sir, one doesn't treat a Parisian gentleman who's just returned
from Flanders like that.
Cinthio
You, from Flanders?
Harlequin (who was hiding in a corner from fear, approaches)
May the devil carry me off if we are not come from the camp of
Flanders.
Cinthio (pointing to Mezzetin)
This fellow here?
Mezzetin (swaggering)
Oh no, if I wasn't there when our general signified a hearing for
our enemies—they didn't join issue after the last of July at a set
hour, to plead on the field of battle—oh no, no, we weren't there.
Cinthio
Oh, oh. Here's a totally new way of fighting.
Mezzetin
The case was called; it lasted more than five hours, but because of
the good cannons of which we were the carriers, we soon evicted the
enemy. He wanted two or three times to plead again, but was always
routed and condemned to all the expenses, damages, and interests—and
costs. And, we were there? No, no, I am only joking.
Cinthio
This, I admit, is a pleasant story of combat. I quite see, sir,
that you witnessed the battle as a judge advocate.
Harlequin
I am going to tell this better than my master, for between us, he's
a stupid lump. First of all—there's the enemy—and there we are.
Combat started with dawn. At once we were sending forward our sutters.
The enemy, seeing this, detached five squadrons of their best scouts.
Ha, it was there that we waited for them, for soon they launched all
their galleys to break a half moon after that musket fire, bam,
bang,—ha, I'm dead. The foreships, the cannon—the trumpets—were
loaded with powder—bam—bully—I cannot tell the rest for the smoke of
the cannon prevented me from seeing it.
Cinthio
That's the prettiest story in the world. But, I beg you, Mr.
Sutter, and you, my little paralegal, to be on your way, and not to
look behind you.—understand me?
Mezzetin (becoming courageous)
Sir, take care what you do. If you insult me—
(Mezzetin takes his sword and raises it. Cinthio puts his hand on
his sword.)
Cinthio
Well?
Mezzetin
You will have to deal with—(hiding behind Harlequin) my valet.
Harlequin
Oh, my oath, he would rather kill you. I am not obliged to be
killed in your place.
Cinthio
Go, my little friend. I don't deign to reply to you—but if you
dare so much as to cast eyes on that girl, I will beat you to death
with a stick. (he gives him a punch in the nose and leaves)
Mezzetin (after Cinthio has left)
Is he gone yet? Hey, what did I tell you? I did a job on him.
Harlequin
Ho, very good, sir. That's what comes from having been in the army.
(They go into the hotel.)
CURTAIN
To understand this scene it is necessary to know that Isabelle is a
girl, who, having been abused by Cinthio, followed him everywhere and,
an indignity caused her to change her name and take service in
Harlequin's hotel. She meets her betrayer with whom, in the
presence of the host, this equivocal scene takes place.
(Isabelle, under the name of Glandine, pushes Cinthio out the door.
Harlequin has followed the noise.)
Isabelle
Well, faithless one, do you recognize me now? The one you have
betrayed, who was forced by you to leave her country, to find you, to
reproach you with your inconstancy, disguised under the dress of a
servant?
Cinthio
I tell you once more that I don't know you. Isabelle is not capable
of such transport of anger, nor of throwing herself at people's heads,
at all comers, as I have recently seen you do. You mock me.
Harlequin (who comes to see what all the noise is)
What the devil kind of hullabaloo is this? One would think that the
devil carried off the house. It seems to me, sir, that you squeeze near
my servant closely. You think one is obliged to present you with the
hotel girls? My word, you'd better guard your nose.
Cinthio
Oh, oh. Here's a host quite grim. I see, indeed, that this base
fellow doesn't talk nice, except to his horse. Sir, it's a little
difference I had with Glandine. I asked her for a utensil of which I
have need.
Harlequin
What, sir? For what do you take my wench? I beg you to understand
that she is not a utensil—hear?
Cinthio
Without so much fuss, sir, give me my bill. When you wish to keep
an inn, take care to get wenches for servants who consider men of
quality and treat them properly.
Harlequin
What then, rascal, what have you done that the gentleman complains
of you? Haven't I told you that a serving wench must be sweet and
forthcoming to the guests?
Cinthio
Hey, sir, she isn't forthcoming or sweet at all.
Harlequin
Why isn't she? This isn't the first time I've had my doubts. You
see how bold the baggage is—I didn't take her to serve in the kitchen,
but I quite see she belongs there.
Isabelle
If I am bold, it's not at your expense. Do you wish me to leave
quite naked?
Harlequin
Yes, I wish it. A girl who doesn't earn money is born only to make
beds in a hotel.
Isabelle (aside)
I've got to get out of this. (aloud) And what have I done to cause
this fuss? This nice gentleman is very pleasant, to get all the girls
in our hotel to serve him, and to take all our profits.
Harlequin
What then, is it only a little dirty talk on his part?
Isabelle
He said this is his sister. Hey, yes—here's a nice relative.
There's never a male guest in this hotel of whom I can't be the
sister—if I wanted to take the trouble. Ho, indeed, sir, I don't
intend to suffer another woman take my place.
Harlequin
Glandine's right, sir. When there's a servant in a hotel one ought
to be served only by her. And besides, Glandine is very clever, which
means, she makes a bed as well as a stew.
Cinthio
I know, sir, that she knows her work perfectly well—but she's a
little impudent who serves at call, when she ought to serve me alone.
Have I not the right to complain?
Harlequin
Assuredly she's wrong. I will tell you now, sir, that here
everything is very exact—to give company what they ask. At this time,
I don't wish to give to the stage coach a cat or a wild rabbit that the
messenger had kept. Why, then, slut, have you been so impudent?
Isabelle
I—serve to another what I promised you? Say often, sir, that you,
haven't wished to content yourself with what you have chosen yourself,
and that an appetite is come to you while eating?
Harlequin
By God, sir, if you are fantastic, there's no way to content you.
Isabelle
You see, I beg you, if it is not enough of a meal for a man alone.
I presented him with a young chicken, tender, fat right down to its
nails—like me. The gentleman was not content—he still wanted another.
Harlequin
Devil, sir, if you're like that—you'd put an entire spit in your
mouth at one time.
Cinthio
Oh, don't believe her. I was very pleased with the chicken. I am
not so gluttonous an eater, but I know that you present that chicken to
all comers. It's already served twenty different tables, and I am not a
man to share with the rest of the earth.
Harlequin
Ah, by God, sir, take care, if you please. What do you say? I
cannot listen to you messing around like that, and one only serves
fresh food in my hotel. Speak, has one ever eaten the same chicken
twice here?
Isabelle
Indeed! Don't you see that the gentleman doesn't know what he's
saying? Nobody ever touched it—it was a delicate bird—that I had
taken pains to raise—and that I nourished for the spit—with as much
pleasure as if it had been for me myself. Everyone who saw her wished
to eat her—and now, I kept her only for this gentleman. It's quite
rude to take such little notice of the care I took for you. Perhaps you
don't like meat with bacon because it makes you fat?
Cinthio
Bacon/schmacon, I don't care—when things are good I find them so.
I don't let myself be tricked.
Isabelle
To satisfy this gentleman's taste one would have to serve him an
old tough bird, some ancient, of the lower court. That's how to get
into his graces.
Harlequin
Oh, by God sir, if you love tough meat, we will give you all you
can eat.
Cinthio
Eh, sir!
Harlequin
I have a goose that has made my soup for three months. You will
have that. There isn't a stable boy bold enough to put his teeth on it.
Isabelle
That's exactly what the gentleman needs.
Harlequin
Come on, quiet down. I do not want to hear you breathe. Go back
down. I quite see that the gentleman doesn't know a wench from a
chicken. I'll put a side of beef on the grill for you.
CURTAIN
Columbine
Nothing is more true than what I tell you: this gentleman called
Cinthio, who loves you, who swears an eternal love for you, has
said as much to me, and without knowing that you give him to me because
of his infidelity. I don't know if, in the end, he wouldn't succeed in
breaking my heart a little.
Isabelle
Is it possible, miss, that so much love is followed by so much
perfidy? No, I would never have believed that men are faithless to such
a degree.
Columbine
Men—are the most cursed—! I know only one secret, so as not to be
deceived, it's to deceive them first.
Isabelle
The perfidious one! After having engaged his heart to me with a
promise of marriage.
Columbine
Promise of marriage! Ah! I would never believe it. A trap for
dupes, a trap for dupes.
Isabelle
He had to leave me for a duel after he killed his enemy; love made
me fly after his footsteps. I came to Paris, I disguised myself as a
serving wench under the name Glandine. I came as a lodger in this hotel
where I live—I saw him with pleasure again—but I ought to forget him
forever. But, alas! When one has a sincere heart, and is not born a
criminal—the way's hard.
Columbine
Oh, you must become one, otherwise, one can do nothing in love, and
the virtue most needed, in this century in which we live, is a little
inconstancy—seasoned sometimes with perfidy.
Isabelle
Why then, miss, with all your experience, did you let yourself be
taken in like a novice? For it seems to me from your story that you
were somewhat maltreated.
Columbine
I admit that I didn't get any better bargain than you—but I know
what I know and, with time, I'll be wiser.
Isabelle
That means, miss, that you don't pretend to stay there, and that
you don't wish to be an adventuress?
Columbine
I left home like you to follow a faithless lover I called Octavio.
Cinthio came directly to take part under my standards and if he had
not acquainted me that he was a deserter by profession, I don't know if
I might not have enrolled him—dammit, in time of war, one takes what
one can find.
Isabelle
What a joy, miss, to be able to change lovers so easily. And I
would be content if I could only avenge myself on the infidel. I would
like to be able to hate him as much as he deserves.
Columbine
Don't trouble yourself about vengeance. Only place your interest in
the hands of a coquette of this country of whom he will become amorous.
I promise you, she'll do him up.
Isabelle
No, no, I can't believe myself avenged by giving him to another. If
a woman loves him once, she'll love him forever. And besides, French
women would never let him go.
Columbine
Oh, take care. Don't you know that Paris is the boutique of
lightness? A stranger never comes here without taking his position.
Indeed, I tell you, it is the department store of inconstancy which
provides for all Europe.
Isabelle
Is it possible? I wouldn't have believed it. Alas, when a Frenchie
tells you he loves you, he says it in a manner so tender and passionate
that it seems his love ought to last more than twenty years after his
death.
Columbine
Twenty years after his death; my, yes—women would be happy if
their love lasted only twenty days.
Isabelle
You surprise me.
Columbine
Doesn't the variety of their fashions express the inconstancy of
their humor? Today they wear wigs that hang to their knees—tomorrow
they wear others that don't go below their ears. They are dressed the
most simply in the world, two days later, you find them in their lace
and ribbons: soon they are trussed in their clothes and swaddled like
mummies—and sometimes a ream of cloth wouldn't suffice to make an arm
of their suits. Then all is changed, wheeling about in a Frenchie from
head to foot.
Isabelle
Perhaps that's true, for adapting and the manner of dressing—but
as to the heart, I can not believe it is so subject to change.
Columbine
Oh, you're right. They are mirrors of fidelity. Do you want me to
describe a Frenchie who wants to awaken the tenderest heart of a young
woman? First, I warn you that hot ashes are not more hot. Ah, my dear
child, my princess, how many beauties, how many charms! Have the gods
ever made anything so perfect as you? No, my love cannot go so far, and
I am in despair at having only ordinary words to express that
love—would you like me to die at your feet? You say nothing? Then, I
must die, because your cruelty orders it. Then he cries, he lets a
burning sigh escape, he rests his head on a corner of the fireplace.
Nothing more is necessary. There's a woman in the net.
Isabelle
But truly, I quite believe him. And a man who explains himself so
lovingly is very loveable. Is there a way to resist such sighs? I admit
is wasn't necessary to court me in such a high falutin' style to seduce
me. I feel I have a French heart.
Columbine
That's the prettiest thing in the world. But, observe the reverse
of the coin. I am going to make you see a Frenchie after his passion
cools. That is to say, eight hours after declaring himself.
Isabelle
Let's see them.
Columbine (passing to the other side, counterfeiting a lover)
My word, Madame, I am surprised at your manners. I never come to
you without having some subject of annoyance.—You come so little,
monsieur, at least not so often.—By God, Madame, one has one's
business.—When you started to love me, you had no other business
besides love. Is this the fondness you have sworn for me?—But, Madame,
that cannot always last.—But, you have taken so many oaths to me that
your passion would be eternal.—Madame, I believed it.— Ingrate,
infidel.—Oh, Madame, no insults, you can put a placard on your door,
to take lease of your heart if you care to.—There's my Frenchie gone.
Isabelle
But truly, miss, if this is true, as you wish me to believe, a
Frenchie is practically no better for a woman than an Italian.
Columbine
Much worse. Believe me, from one woman to another, as a faithless
one, I much prefer Octavio to any other. Goodbye, miss. I promise you
that I will not spring any trap on the heart of your lover—and because
of my care for you, you will have no reason to cry thief.
Isabelle
A heart is still a petty thief of which women today are not very
scrupulous.
Harlequin
Look here, Pierrot. I am going on an important expedition. I leave
you master in my place. Take care of the house and above all—don't let
anything happen to the girls. (leaves)
Pierrot
Oh, hang it! Leave it to me. If the girls deceive me, they'll have
to be pretty smart. Still, it's a cursed cow to control, and by nature
eels wriggle a lot. I'd better call Glandine and preach her a sermon.
(Glandine enters. Pierrot takes an armchair.)
Pierrot
Listen to me, Glandine. Honor is a joy, but a joy which spoils when
exposed to the air. A girl is like a bottle of water of the Queen of
Hungary—it loses its virtue if it is not shut tight. This is what
caused a great philosopher to say that a woman must live shut in her
room. He didn't speak of girls, for they were thinly sown in his days,
more so than today.
Glandine What are you trying to say with all your nonsense? Are you mad?
Pierrot
How—as if I were crazy! Don't you know that I am presently your
pedagogue?
Glandine I'm really in good hands.
Pierrot
I am of your opinion. What the bridle is to a horse, a stick to a
blind man, a rudder to a ship. I am the bridle, you are the horse. I am
the stick, you are the blind man. I am the rudder, you are the ship,
but a rudder with which I will prevent you from going on the roads of
men—for the world is a sea and winds blow in this water which bubbles.
I who have reason in this sea—I'm getting confused.
Glandine Quickly, quickly, help—here's a man drowning.
Pierrot
Who's right, I say? Now, Harlequin left me in this house to protect
you.
Glandine I am much obliged to you, I assure you I will protect myself quite well.
Pierrot
Bah. If you please, I don't trust girls, I've been tricked before.
Glandine What, you mean you have commerce with women?
Pierrot
Right, when one is made in a certain manner, one has to resell this
merchandise. A little baggage begged me to give her a kiss—dammit, she
didn't have to ask twice. I was neither mad or a fool, I approached,
she gave me a big slap in the face. Since then, I've sworn never to
kiss again.
Glandine Good idea, Pierrot. Believe me, don't play with girls—there's nothing to be gained.
Pierrot
Yes, if it's only a slap. However, no more discussion, go in, and
march ahead of me. (he watches her go) Out of sight, as if swallowed.
Harlequin, dressed bravely as a soldier, accompanied by Pasquariel and three other soldiers.
Harlequin
Hey, Hope, Chain Breaker, Gun Powder, Terror of Chickens? Well, my
children, what does your heart say to you? Has it been a long while
since you have eaten human flesh?
Pasquariel
You don't need to speak, my captain. I am before hand with you.
(draws his sword and makes a lazzi)
Harlequin
By God, here's a fine fellow, this comedian has killed more
chickens by himself, than my whole platoon together.
(Pasquariel makes yet more lazzi.)
Harlequin
Hola, hola, who is that man there? Don't let your ardor cool. Let's
find Cinthio. Who is that man there? He seems to me to have the air of
a seducer of girls. Who are you, my friend? Isn't your name Cinthio?
Cinthio (looking Harlequin up and down)
Hey, what's that to you?
Harlequin
Huh! Dammit—what's it to me? If you are Cinthio, or even only
cousin, half cousin, or cousin germane to Cinthio, by God, may the
devil take me, you will find out.
Cinthio
May one imagine, sir, as to how this Cinthio has offended you? For
you seem to me quite enraged.
Harlequin
Assuredly I am enraged. Cinthio is a clown who goes from girl to
girl with a revolving promise of marriage. Oh, God, if I meet you, my
little friend, you will keep the word you gave to my sister, or you
will get a whipping from me.
Cinthio
He is quite a rogue, to deceive girls like that.
Harlequin
I want him dead or alive. I would give a hundred crowns reward.
Cinthio
Hold on, sir. I want you to earn more than fifty louis today. Give
me thirty and I will tell you where Cinthio is—and so, not to hold you
forever in suspense—it's me.
Harlequin (astonished)
It's you, it's you! Ha, on my oath—I am delighted. You don't wish
to marry my sister?
Cinthio
Really, as we are in a century where women—
Harlequin
No, oh, by God, we'll see. You will take her—when I make you
swallow some medicine. Let me alone with him.
Cinthio
I laugh at your threats, and to show you I'm not afraid of you or
your bullies—I will wait for you in that hotel.
Harlequin (to soldiers)
Let someone follow that man and prevent me from seeing him. There,
by God, it's necessary to stir vigorously in an affair.
Mezzetin as a Dutch captain with a wooden leg.
Mezzetin
Guten tag, mein herr, guten tag.
Harlequin
Guten tag, guten tag.
Mezzetin
Mich, being a stranger seek lodging in this town.
Harlequin
This town, sir, is very obliged to you. There, my word, a cursed
body—
Mezzetin
Show me, if you please, sir, where be lodging for my horse and me?
Harlequin
It's a hotel you seek, sir, right?
Mezzetin
Yes sir, a hotel.
Harlequin
Wait, sir, where you are, you will be fine. There's good cuisine
here, and also you will find some pretty girls, and all that you want,
I understand, immediately.
Mezzetin
I ask monsieur's excuse, coz I no speak good Frenchie—but my
thinking is much better than my talking.
Harlequin
Go, sir, don't trouble yourself, believe me, sir, go stay in that
hotel, for a man who has only one leg ought to be more tired than other
people.
Mezzetin
Adieu, monsieur, I thank you, very strongly. (knocks at the door)
Harlequin
I really need to know who this stranger is who is going to put up
in my hotel. Come here, sir. May one know where you're from and what
brings you here?
Mezzetin
I am a Dutch gentleman from Dutchland, who comes to this city on a
matter of great importance.
Harlequin
You see, it's one of those sots who are very self important.
Mezzetin
I have been on sea duty and commanded a ship during a naval combat.
Harlequin
What the devil, sir, why are you here? Apparently you have a safe
conduct?
Mezzetin
I have come expressly from my country to claim my vessel which
these French devils have burned like a chicken.
Harlequin
Eh, you're right. They're nasty devils, these Frenchies. You should
have cried fire—someone would come to your aid.
Mezzetin
Not at all, sir. I have already lost my leg which those madmen have
taken from me during the battle.
Harlequin
If you lost your leg, it's not my fault, I assure you, sir. I have
not found it.
Mezzetin
I am going to claim my member at the court.
Harlequin
My word, sir, if I may speak openly, I don't believe they'll give
it back.
Mezzetin
Hey, why sir?
Harlequin
Well, sir, if the court had to return, to all brothers in Holland,
all the members that the Frenchies carried off this last year, hey,
there wouldn't be any more legs in France.
Mezzetin
But, sir, how can I do my duty without limbs on a ship.
Harlequin
I advise you, sir, to serve in a hospital. From what I see, Mr.
Dutchman, you've been a little dismantled. Ha, ha, ha.
Mezzetin
I don't laugh, sir, I am a gentleman, donner vette.
Harlequin
Donner vette, my little friend. You feel your old beating. I will
send you back to Amsterdam.
(They fight. The Dutchman falls and makes many lazzi with his limb.)
*Cinthio, Isabelle, Harlequin as Commissariat, and Pierrot as clerk.
Harlequin
Come on, hurry up, draw your writing desk, close the door, put the
dogs outside, wipe your nose, leave a wide margin and write large and
clear.
Pierrot (pulling a large desk and a tiny pen from within in)
Sir, work quickly, if you please, I have short breath, as you know,
which doesn't permit me to stay in one place very long.
Harlequin
I will be done soon. (to Cinthio) What's your name? Tell me your
name, first name, occupation, country, street apartment number and
parish. Do you have a father, mother, brothers or relatives? What
brings you to Paris? Have you been here long? Who do you visit? Where
do you go? Where have you been? Write it down, quick. (he hits Pierrot
on the shoulder)
Pierrot (falling down on his desk)
Ah, my shoulder's broken. Here's a crippled clerk.
Harlequin
That's the interrogatory method. What a stupid ignoramus. (to
Cinthio) And you, my little squire, you don't wish to respond? Write
that he said nothing.
Cinthio
What do you want, sir, for—
Harlequin
Silence! You suppose, my friend, that I have the time to listen to
all your stupidities? Do you know that I have three rogues to hang
today already, not counting you?
Pierrot
And five or six ladies to dispossess, or drive crazy.
Cinthio
Sir, my name's Cinthio and I lodge with Harlequin.
Pierrot
I know him. He's a rogue.
Harlequin (giving him another blow)
Think what you're doing, you beast! Would you know this so-called
lady here? (pointing to Isabelle) And you, pretty one, with becoming
eyes, would you know this pilgrim hoodlum?
Isabelle
Alas sir. I know him only too well. He's the ingrate who deceived
me with a promise of marriage.
Pierrot
This affair looks very dark.
Harlequin
If all the girls of today had as many husbands as they do promises
of marriage, they'd have near enough to change like the weather.
(towards a clerk) Go tell the chain gang not to leave yet. I have
another one for them. (to Isabelle) But, is your story really—
Isabelle
Wait, sir. Here—read.
Harlequin (opening a paper)
I am very embarrassed. For two days, I've had a rheumatic which
prevents me from seeing well.
(The clerk who went out returns.)
Clerk Sir, the chain gang won't go until you do.
Harlequin (to Pierrot)
Wait, read this.
Pierrot
Me, sir? You know quite well I have never learned to read.
Harlequin (to Isabelle)
Read it then. I cede my judicial rights to you.
Pierrot (writing)
The one who admits not to know how to read or write, owing to his
judicial rank.
Isabelle
I subscribe.
Harlequin (to Cinthio)
And that's all that's required. What do you say to that, Mr. Rogue?
Cinthio
I say, sir, that no one treats a person of my quality in this
manner.
Harlequin
Ah, my little companion, you wish to make a joke; let's go see if
you look funny dancing from the end of a rope.
Isabelle
No, Mr. Commissariat, there is no punishment cruel enough to punish
his perfidy. To what has my despair reduced me? I left my family to
follow him. I've been exposed to a thousand hazards, for you know the
risks that a girl runs by herself.
Harlequin
She runs even more when she is with someone.
Isabelle
I became a wench in the inn of Harlequin, where I hid my name under
that of Glandine. He came to lodge in this hotel, for his misfortune
and mine—for it is very hard to see someone hang—someone one so
tenderly loves—boo hoo. (she cries)
Pierrot (crying)
Boo, hoo.
Harlequin (toward Cinthio)
You will pay for making my secretary cry, rogue. Make the rope
extra thick—here's a rogue who's got a tough neck to break.
Cinthio
I admit my fault, but Mr. Commissariat, you have to pardon love.
(Cinthio draws a purse and gives money to the Commissariat.)
Harlequin (taking the money)
No, no, I claim to do my duty honorably. I will use this money to
give you a fancy funeral.
Cinthio
But, Mr. Commissariat, give me quarter. I am ready to marry her.
Pierrot
He's right. It's better to marry than hang.
Isabelle
Me, traitor, marry you after all your infidelities? I renounce your
love, I don't want a heart as corrupt as yours.
Cinthio (on his knees)
Ah, mercy, miss, may love make you forget a crime that love itself
has committed.
(Harlequin and Pierrot are also throwing themselves on their knees.)
Harlequin
Listen, miss, if he is hung you won't be any fatter. You've done
enough.
Pierrot
Provided he pays handsomely for my writings, I advise you to
forgive him. It's punishment enough to have a wife.
Isabelle
Ingrate, I ought to hate you, but I feel I don't.
Harlequin
Ah, then you're good friends. Presently the business may be wound
up. It is right to tell you that the Commissariat and the clerk are
impostors who put on these clothes to make you marry.
Cinthio
It's true, my word. A procedure that's cost me quite a bit of
trouble.
Harlequin
Sir, in honor of this wedding, we must entertain ourselves. Come,
bring on the band and call in everybody in the inn.
(All the comedians leave with guitars and parody big bands.)
Chorus
Follow, follow, love,
Let us become inflamed.
Oh, oh, oh, how sweet
It is to love.
Mezzetin (singing)
For Hymen one is destined.
All the same,
Sing a song.
Goddam, let Glandine love,
For in her season,
She'll play mischief
And have a son like herself.
Chorus
Follow, follow, love,
Let us become inflamed.
Oh, oh, oh, how sweet
It is to love.
Hymen
A girl is vain to pretend
Marriage is charming.
Vain for her to contradict.
He wishes her a lover
And nothing is so much to be feared
As the age of fifteen years.
Chorus
Follow, follow, love,
Let us become inflamed.
Oh, oh, oh, how sweet
It is to love.
Trio
A lover in the woods,
Sick of chasing,
Wants to give up the prize.
But one isn't made of wood,
And sometimes one makes a mistake.
Chorus
Follow, follow, love,
Let us become inflamed.
Oh, oh, oh, how sweet
It is to love.
CURTAIN