Also by Henry Beard
Alii
libri qui ab Henrico Barbato scripti
sunt
Miss Piggy's Guide to Life
Sailing: A Sailor's Dictionary
Fishing: An Angler's Dictionary
Golfing: A Duffer's Dictionary
Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary
LINGUA LATINA OCCASIONIBUS OMNIBUS
HENRICUS BARBATUS
SCRIPSIT
LIBRI VILLARD-LIKE NOVI EBOR ACI
A.u.c. MMDCCXLIV
LATIN FOR ALL OCCASIONS
BY HENRY BEARD
VILLARD BOOKS NEW YORK
A.d. MCMXCI
Illustrations copyright [*copygg'1990
by Mikhail Ivenitsky
All rights reserved under International and
Pan-American
Copyright Conventions. Published in the United
States by Villard Books, a division of Random
House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously
in Canada by Random House of Canada
Limited, Toronto.
Villard Books is a registered trademark of
Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication
Data
Beard, Henry.
Latin for all occasions: Lingua Latina
occasionibus omnibusst by Henry Beard.
people. cm.
"A John Boswell Associates book."
ISBN 0-394-58660-3
1. Latin language-Conversation and phrase
books-English.
2. Latin language-Humor. I. Title.
II. Title: Lingua Latina
occasionibus omnibus.
PA2107.B4 1990 478.3'dba-dc20

Manufactured in the United States of America
Book design by Carole Lowenstein
BOMC offers recordings and compact discs,
cassettes and records.
For information and catalog write to BOMR, Camp
Hill, PA 17012.
Was I speaking Latin again?
Denuone Latine loquebar?
Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
PREFACE
Praefatio
You know the feeling all too well. There you are,
chatting with business associates at an upscale
watering hole, or participating in a little
good-natured give-and-take during a golf or
tennis match, or relaxing with friends on the beach, or
maybe just reviewing the day with your family at the
supper table. You spot a chance to liven up the
discussion with a particularly pithy observation in
Latin, and then, all of a sudden, you're assailed
by paralyzing doubts.
Is the verb you were going to use in the second or
third conjugation? Is it irregular? Deponent?
Reflexive? Defective? Does it take
ut
and a subjunctive or an infinitive with an
accusative? Or, worse still, does it take the
dative? Would a gerundive construction be more
appropriate, or laughably awkward? How about
a passive periphrastic or-but no, it's too
late. The moment has passed, the conversation has
moved on.
Now be honest-how many times has that happened to you?
If you answer is
saepius
(too often)-and we bet it is!-then
Lingua Latin Occasionibus Omnibus
(latin for All Occasions) is the book for you.
Here, in one handy, easy-to-use volume, are
hundreds of everyday English expressions rendered
into grammatically accurate, idiomatically
correct classical Latin, just as you would have
translated them yourself if you had the time. And all of
these practical phrases are conveniently
organized into familiar conversational categories so
that you can be confident that in any social
situation some suitable Latin
bona dicta
(bon mots) will be right at your fingertips, just the way
they would be if you could only get in a little
practice.
The next time you feel like using the immortal
language of Caesar,
ix
Cicero, Virgil, and Horace to turn an
ordinary remark into a timeless utterance, don't let
feles, felis, feli, felem, fele
(the cat) get your tongue. With a copy of
Lingua Latina Occasionibus Omnibus
(latin for All Occasions) in your toga, you'll
never again be intimidated by those seven hundred verb
endings, ninety noun cases, and twenty kinds of
ablative. And you'll quickly discover that whether you
want to impress the boss, entertain your friends,
keep the kids in line, or charm that special
someone, speaking Latin is as easy as taking Gaul
from the Gauls!
Bona fortuna!
(good luck!)
x
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank Mark Sugars and Winifred
Lewellen, who reviewed my Latin for accuracy
and appropriateness. Their many corrections and
suggestions greatly improved this book, and no doubt
spared me untold grief from outraged Latin
teachers. To these two distinguished classical scholars
belongs much of the credit for any felicity of style
or elegance of diction; the
culpa
for any mistakes is entirely
mea.
xi
CONTENTS
Quad in libro continetur
Introduction: A Brief Guide to Latin
Pronunciation xv
I.
Conversational Latin
(lingua Latina Conlocutioni) 1
II.
Informational Latin
(lingua Latina Nuntiis) 7
III.
Occupational Latin
(lingua Latina Occupationi) 15
IV.
Recreational Latin
(lingua Latina O3tamentis) 25
V.
Practical Latin
(lingua Latina Utilis) 33
VI.
Tactical Latin
(lingua Latina Rationi) 41
VII.
Cultural Latin
(lingua Latina Docta) 51
VIII.
Social Latin
(lingua Latina Vitae Communi) 59
IX.
Sensual Latin
(lingua Latina Libidinosa) 67
X.
Gastronomical Latin
(lingua Latina Cenatica) 71
XI.
Familial Latin
(lingua Latina Domestica) 79
XII.
Formal Latin
(lingua Latina Ritibus) 87
INTRODUCTION: A BRIEF GUIDE TO
LATIN PRONUNCIATION
If it's been a few years since you last conversed
in Latin regularly, your pronunciation may have
gotten a bit rusty, so we've included here a
short summary of the basics of the spoken language
just to help you brush up a little.
A word of caution: This is a simplified system of
pronunciation for colloquial Latin based in part
on modern Italian, the direct vernacular
descendant of the everyday speech of ancient Rome.
If you're planning to give a formal oration or a
reading from one of the great works of classical
literature, you're obviously going to want
to consult the standard scholarly reference books for the
proper literary pronunciation.
  I Vowels and a Few Diphthongs
Sure, I speak a little Latin.
Sane, paululum linguae Latinae dico.
SAH'-NAY, pow-Loo'-luhm
LEEN'-GWYE Lah-Tee'-nye
DEE'-KOH.
A is pronounced "ah" as in "father."
E is pronounced "ay" as in "they," but the very
common words et (and), est (is), and sed (b) should be
pronounced like "bet," "best," and "said," and the very
common word ending em should be pronounced like "stem."
xv
I is pronounced "ee" as in "Vaseline," but the
very common words id (x) and in (in, on) should be
pronounced like "did" and "din."
O is pronounced "oh" as in "go."
U is pronounced "oo" as in "crude," but the very
common word endings us and urn should be pronounced like
"puss" and "room" (with the "oo" sound of
"cookbook"), and the very common word ut (how, so that)
should be pronounced like "put."
AE is a diphthong (a pair of vowels joined
together to form a single sound) pronounced "eye."
AU is a diphthong pronounced "ow," as in
"luau."
OE is a diphthong pronounced "oy."
II Consonants
I picked it up here and there. Really, Latin
isn't all that hard.
Id legi modo hic modo illic. Vero,
Latine loqui non est difficilissimum.
IDD LAY'-GEE MOH'-DOH
HEEK MOH'-DOH EEL'-LEEK.
WAY'-ROH, Lah-Tee'-nay
LOH'-KWEE NOHN EHSST
dee-fee-kee-Leese'-see-muhm.
B, D, F, H, K, L, M, n,
P, and Z all sound the same as they do in
English.
C always has a K sound as in "car."
Child always has a K sound as in "chorus."
G always has a hard G sound as in "get."
Gu is pronounced "Gw" when it comes after an
"n," as it is in English.
I is a consonant pronounced like y when it is the
first letter in a word and it is followed by a vowel. The
common Latin word iam (now) is pronounced
"YAHM."
Qu is pronounced "Kw," as it is in English.
R can be rolled in a sort of Scottish burr.
xvi
S always has a hissing sound as in "moose" or
"soda," and some very common word endings sound like this: as
equals "demi-tasse"; es equals "ace",-
is equals "geese"; os equals "verbose"; and
us equals "wuss."
T always has a hard T sound as in
"tar." In Latin, the word "ratio" is pronounced
"RAH'-TEE-OH."
V is always pronounced as if it were a "W."
What Caesar (Kye'-sahr) said after he
defeated somebody or other
(veni, vidi, vid)
sounded as if he had just conquered Hawaii:
WAY'-NEE, WEE'-DEE, WEE'-KEE.*
X is always pronounced "Ks."
J, W, and y don't exist in Latin.
  III Syllables
It looks like a tricky language, but you'll get
the hang of it pretty quickly.
Lingua speciem involutam praebet, sed sat
cito eam comprehendes.
LEEN'-GWAH SPAY'-KEE-EHM
inn-woh-Loo'-tahm PRYE'-BAYT, SEDD
SAHT KEE'-TOH AY'-AHM
kohm-pray-Hayn'-dace.
Latin words are divided into syllables in the same
way that English words are, but in Latin every vowel or
diphthong is a syllable, and every syllable is
pronounced separately. If there are two vowels
together, and they are not AE, AU, or OE, both
vowels are pronounced individually. So, for
example, praebat equals "PRYE'-BAHT"
(ae is a diphthong); speciem equals
"SPAY'-KEE-EHM"; and eam equals
"AY'-AHM."
* If you took Latin in a parochial school, you
were probably taught to pronounce the letter V like the
English "V," the diphthong "ae" like "sundae",
and Caesar like "CHAY'-SAHR." If you do this, you
are going to take some flak from Latin purists,
classics snobs, and other assorted lingo bores,
but on the other hand, you're going to get a much better
table in the Vatican restaurant.
  IV Stress
And remember, there aren't any Romans around
to correct your pronunciation.
Atque memento, nulli adsunt Romanorum
qui locutionem tuam corrigant.
AHT'-KWAY may-Mayn'-toh,
NOO'-LEE AHD'-SOONT
Roh-mah-Noh'-ruhm KWEE
loh-koo-tee-Oh'-nehm TOO'-AHM
KOH'-REE-GAHNT.
If a word has two syllables, put the stress on
the first one. If it has more than two, put the
stress on the second-to-last syllable
unless both the second-to-last syllable and the last
syllable are vowels. When that happens, shift the
stress back one syllable earlier.
So, for example, locutionem equals
"loh-koo-tee-Oh'-nehm," but kv cutio
equals "loh-Koo'-tee-oh."
If the second-to-last syllable has an i in it
and doesn't end in a consonant, the stress is
usually moved back one syllable. So, for
example, corrigant equals
"KOHR'-REE-GAHNT" and dificilissimum
equals "dee-fee-kee-Leese'-ee-muhm."
For the same reason, the very common word aliqui (any)
is pronounced "AH'-LEE-KWEE."
I. CONVERSATIONAL LATIN
Lingua Latina Conlocutioni
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Non color sed umor est qui nobis
incommodat.
What a bore!
Qui vir odiosus!
What a dolt!
Qui stipes!
  Cocktail Party Chitchat
Hot enough for you?
Satine caloris tibi est?
Run into much traffic on the way over?
Turbane magna vehiculorum obviam erat
tibi venienti huc?
What do you think I paid for this watch?
Quanto putas mihi stare hoc holorogium
manuale?
You know what I think? I think ...
Visne scire quod credaml Credo ...
...
that all wrestling is fixed.
...
luctationes omnes praestitutas esse.
...
that flying saucers are real..
...
orbes volantes ex/are..
...
that Elvis is still alive..
..
Elvem ipsum etiam vivere..
...
that the weather has been altered by rocket launches.
...
missiones turrium flammearum statum
caeli mutavisse.
...
that no one's barbecue sauce is better than
mine..
...
condimentum pro carne in veribus cocta nullius
praestare ei mei..
Is that so?
Ain tu?
Really?
Vero?
You don't say!
Dic! Itane est!
You can say that again!
Illud iteium dicere potes!
You know what they say ...
Scis quod dicunt...
...
here today, gone tomorrow
....
hodie adsit, cras absit.
...
seen one, seen them all
....
uno viso, omnia visa sunt.
...
what goes around, comes around
...
. id quod circumiret, circumveniat.
...
que sera, sera
..
.
quod fiat, fiat.
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a
dog.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo
congredi.
Darn! There goes my beeper!
Heu! Tintinnuntius meus sonat!
I'm outta here.
Abeo.
Have a nice day.
Die dulci fruere.
  Pithy Latin Expressions to Use in English
Ipso facto
By that very fact
Nullo modo
No way
Labra lege.
Read my lips.
Pactum factum
A done deal
Fors fortis
Fat chance
Casu consulto
Accidentally on purpose
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Totus anctus
In a world of hurt
Utinam
Hopefully
Lingua Latina Nuntiis
Down boy, nice doggie!
Seda te, catule bone!
Woof woof! Grrrr!
Latio! Fremo!
Latin Signs for Our Times
CAVE CANEM
BEWARE OF DOG
NOLI PERTURBARE
DO NOT DISTURB
NOLI INTRARE
KEEP OUT
OPORTET MINISTROS MANUS LAVARE
ANTEQUAM LATRINAM RELINQUENT
EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING
RESTROOM
BARBARI! IN HOC CURRU NULLA ARCA
SONORUM ADSIT!
NO RADIO!
TIBI GRATIAS AGIMUS QUOD NIHIL
FUMAS
THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING
SI HOC SIGNUM LEGERE POTES,
OPERIS BONI IN REBUS LATINIS
ALACRIBUS ET FRUCTUOSIS POTIRI
POTES!
IF YOU CAN READ THIS SIGN, YOU CAN
GET A GOOD JOB IN THE FAST-
PACED, HIGH-PAYING WORLD OF LATIN!
Latin Bumper Stickers for Your Chariot
FRENA PRO FERIS TENEO
I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS
BALAENAE NOBIS CONSERVANDAE SUNT
SAVE THE WHALES
SONA SI LATINE LOQUERIS
HONK IF YOU SPEAK LATIN
CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT
TUM SOLI PROSCRIPTI CATAPULTAS
HABEBUNT
WHEN CATAPULTS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY
OUTLAWS WILL HAVE
CATAPULTS
SI HOC ADFIXUM IN OBICE LEGERE
POTES, ET LIBERALITER EDUCATUS ET
NIMIS PROPINQUUS ADES
IF YOU CAN READ THIS BUMPER STICKER,
YOU ARE BOTH VERY WELL
EDUCATED AND MUCH TOO CLOSE
Vanitas Plates
INCITATUS
SPEED DEMON
VAGANS
CRUISING
LITORALIS
BEACH BUM
MANNUS
MUSTANG
FRACTUM
JALOPY
NITIDUS
SNAZZY
URSUS
BEAR
AMO VI-UM
I LOVE SEX
TURBO
TURBO
Latin as a Computer Language
Why won't you print out?
Cur ullum imprimere non vis?
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Ne
auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
I did not commit a fatal error!
Non erravi perniciose!
Garbage in, garbage out.
Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
An All-Purpose Personal Ad
Attractive and intelligent manst woman wishes
to meet a Latin speaker of the opposite sex.
Please-no pig Latin!
Virstmulier iucundusstiucunda intellegensque
vult obviam convenire alicui sexus adversi
qui lingua Latina utitur. Amabo

nihil loquelae Latinae suillae!
An All-Purpose Letter
Dear Sir:
I have received your letter and I will give the matter to which you
referred my promptest and fullest attention.
Best wishes,
Dominus meus: Epistulam tuam accepi et
rei cuius mentionem ibi fecisti animadversionem
meam promptissimam plenissimamque dabo.
Semper vale et salve,
An All-Purpose Postcard Message
Having a wonderful time. I wish you were here. Or
should it be, I should wish you had been here? Or
maybe, I should have been wishing that you had been here?
Or, I did wish you to have been here?
Best,
Tempus dulcissime o3to. Volo ut mecum
adsis. Aut debetne dicere, Velim ut
mecum adeiis? Aut fortasse, Vellem ut
mecum adfueris? Aut, Volui te mecum
adfuisse?
Optationes optimas ad te,
An All-Purpose Answering-Machine
Message
Hello. No one can come to the phone right now
to take your call, but you can leave a message if you
want by speaking as soon as you hear the beep.
Remember to wait for the beep. Bye.
Salve. Nemo nunc ipsum advenire ad
longelocutum ad vocem tuam accipiendam
potest, sed possis si velis nuntiam tradere
dicendo simul ac sonitum audiveris.
Memento sonitu praestolare. Ave.
An All-Purpose Telephone Prank
Hello, is this the supermarket? Do you have
Janitor in a Drum and Mr. Clean in a
bottle? You do? Well, let them out! Ha ha
ha!
Dic, estne magnimercatus? Estne vobis
Ianitor in Cupa et Magister Purus in
ampulla? Si-cine? Bene, eos emitte! Hae
hae hae!
An All-Purpose Stick-up Note
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or
I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem
mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane
mittam.
Lingua Latina Occupationi
This is all blue sky.
Totum de caelo caeruleo venit.
It ain't over "til it's over.
Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit.
Let's look at the bottom line
Summam scrutemur.
Negotiating in Latin
I'd like to cut a deal.
Volo pactum facere.
Now this isn't carved in stone.
Nunc hoc in marmoie non est incisum.
This is just a ballpark figure.
Hic
est numerus, plus aut minus.
I'm thinking out loud.
Clara voce cogito.
This is all blue sky.
Totum de caelo caeruleo venit.
I think we're on the same wavelength.
Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
  Sweetening the Deal
  Can you put more money on the table?
Potesne plus pecuniae in mensa ponere?
Let's look at the bottom line.
Summam scrutemur.
Is that your best offer?
Num ista condicio optima est?
Can't you sharpen up your pencil a little on this?
Nonne potes stilum tuum in hac re paulum
acuere?
If you can't go any higher, the deal is off.
Si plus offene non potes, pactum ruptum
est.
  Playing Hardball
We're back to square one.
In carceribus denuo adsumus.
I'm wasting my time.
Tempus meum tero.
That's the deal. Take it or leave it.
Ecce pactum. Id cape aut id relinque.
You're not the only game in town.
In oppido Iusor solus non es.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
Modo vincis, modo vinceris.
Hidden Insults
LATIN:
Podex perfectus es.
WHAT YOU SAY IT MEANS: You did a
terrific job.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: You are a total
asshole.
LATIN:
De stella Maitis vere venisti.
WHAT YOU SAY IT MEANS: That's a truly
remarkable insight.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: You are definitely
from Mars.
LATIN:
Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
WHAT YOU SAY IT MEANS: That's certainly
food for thought.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: You have shit for
brains.
LATIN:
Caput tuum in ano est.
WHAT YOU SAY IT MEANS: You hit the
nail right on the head.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: You have your head up
your ass.
LATIN:
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.
WHAT YOU SAY IT MEANS: I've really
got to take my hat off to you.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Screw you and the
horse you rode in on.
  Useful Business Expressions
Take the bull by the horns.
Taurum per cornua prehende.
It comes with the territory.
Cum tractu traducto.
Give me a little feedback.
Dic mihi paulum quod sentis.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
Get your ducks in a row.
Anates tuas in acie instrue.
The ball is in your court.
Pila in area tua est.
I'm up the creek without a paddle.
In rivo fimi sine remo sum.
It ain't over until it's over.
Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit.
  Making a Cold Call
I'd like to bounce something off you.
Aliquo te volo petere.
You seem like someone who knows a good thing when he sees
it.
Tute videris esse qui noscat rem bonam
cum videat.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Occasio rarissima est.
I'm sorry we couldn't do business.
Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
*
See Hidden Insults, p. 19
The Una-Minutia Manager
Take a letter.
Scribe.
Xerox [*reggg'th.
Huius Xerographiam (people) fac.
Hold my calls.
Fac ut nemo me vocet.
I don't get headaches. I give them.
Dolores capitis non fero. Eos do.
The buck stops here.
Denarius hic sistit.
There's no free lunch.
Nulla mensa sine impensa.
You're fired.
Ego te demitto.
Mogul Jargon
Let's take a meeting.
Congressum faciamus.
Have your people talk to my people.
Tuos iube meis dicere.
What's the net-net on this?
Quid in re reditum residuum reliquumque
restat?
It's the standard deal.
Conventum consuetum est.
Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?
Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar
tibi?
Let's cut to the chase.
Ad venatum vadamus.
Don't pass on this!
Noli hoc praeterire!
Give me a green light!
Da mihi lumen viride!
You're beautiful!
Pulcher es!
Let's have lunch, really!
Prandeamus, vere!
Lingua Latina O3tamentis
God, these halftime shows are boring.
Hercle, ludicra haec inter dimidia muneris
intercedentia insulsa sunt.
These are great seats, aren't they?
Sedilia haec, nonne praestant?
At the Football Stadium
These are great seats, aren't they?
Sedilia haec, nonne praestant?
First and ten, do it again! Touchdown!
Primum et decem est, rursum agendum est!
Detractum!
God, these halftime shows are boring.
Hercle, ludicra haec inter dimidia muneris
intercedentia insulsa sunt.
At the Ball Park
I hate Astroturf.
Gramen artificiosum odi.
The designated-hitter rule has got to go.
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The best baseball stadium is still Fenway Park.
Stadium sedipilae optimum Saeptum
Paludosum etiamnunc est.


Cheering for Your Team
Let's go ...
Eamus, O ...
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AMERICAN LEAGUE/EAST
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Orioles
Icteri Galbuli
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Yankees
Ianqui
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Blue Jays
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Fermentatores
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Red Sox
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Athletici
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Angels
Angeli
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Royals
Regii
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Rangers
Equites
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Twins
Gemini
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Mariners
Nautae
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Tibialia Alba
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Expositiones
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Metropolitae
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Cubs
Catuli
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Cardinales
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Piratae
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Philadelphii
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Giants
Gigantes
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Astros
Astrotholi Incolae
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Rubri
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Dodgers
Elusores
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Padres
Patri
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Braves
Fortes
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  At a Hockey Game
Hockey fans are real animals.
Fautores ludi glacialis Borei feri meri
sunt.
Here comes the Zamboni.
Hue accedit Zambonis.
At the Poker Table
Read 'em and weep.
Lege atque lacrima.
This isn't a hand, it's a foot.
Hoc non manus sed pes est.
I'm going to take a Mulligan.
Alterum ictum faciam.
We're playing winter rules, aren't we?
Nonne lege hiemali ludimus?
This is a gimme, isn't it?
Nonne hoc mihi datur?
Isn't that lucky! My ball just rolled out of the
rough and onto the fairway!
Fortunatus sum! Pila mea de gramine
horrido modo in pratum lene recta volvit!
On the Tennis Court
It's just out!
Paulo praetei regionem est!
A little wide!
Minime latum!
It was just a hair long!
Longius capillo fuit!
It's out by an inch!
Una uncia abest!
Boy, I hate lift lines.
Heu, odi manere in agmine pro
sellis volatilibus.
Watch where you're going, you jerk!
Obseiva quo vadis, cinaede!
Avalanche!
Lapsus nivium!
Let's get in the hot tub!
In thermulas intremus!
At the Beach
Look at the hooters on that one.
Ecce ilia mammeata.
Let's build a sand Forum.
Forum harenae aedificemus.
Do you want a frosty one?
Visne frigidum!
What's that in the water?
Quid
est illud in aqua?
Shark! Shark!
Pistrix! Pistrix!
On a Yacht
What happens if I pull this rope?
Quid fiat si hoc rudentem vellam?
Can I drive?
Licetne mihi gubemare?
Is there supposed to be a lot of water down here?
Debetne multum aquae subter esse?
All of a sudden I'm not feeling so good.
Subito minime valeo.
At the Spa
There is something wrong with this scale.
Haec trutina enat.
Was your masseur trained in East Germany?
Tractatorne in Germania Oiientali doctus
est!
It's on a plate, it must be food.
In catillo est, cibus esse debet.
Is there an alcoholic beverage made from oat
bran?
Estne ebriamen de furfure avenaceo factum?
Lingua Latina Utilis
Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large
parts of Europe.
Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum
Europae vincendarum.
A total nutcase.
Non compos mentis est.
Listen, would you repeat everything you just told me,
only this time say it in English.
Heu, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc
nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice.
You charge how much an hour?
Quantum in una hora imputas?
  Things to Say to Your Accountant
This amount here, is that what I made or what I
owe?
Haec summa, estne quod merui aut quod
debeo?
Where do I sign?
Ubi signo?
Unfortunately, I can't find those particular
documents.
Eheu, litteras istas reperire non possum.
I know why the numbers don't agree! I use
Roman numerals!
Scio cur summae inter se dissentiant!
Numeris Romanis utor!
Things to Say to Your Banker
I don't want a toaster.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I can't be overdrawn.
Fieri non potest ut ratio mea deficiat.
Things to Say to Your Stockbroker
Just what exactly is a pork belly?
Quidnam est sterilicula?
I thought the idea was to buy low and sell high.
Credidi pretio parvo emere et magno vendere
tibi in animo fuisse.
Are you telling me that sunspots caused the market
crash?
Dicisne mihi maculas in sole mercatum
labi fecisse?
This isn't going to hurt, is it?
Num mihi dolebit hoc?
Something important came up, so I'll have to cancel
my appointment.
Quadam re magna facta constitutum meum
mihi deponendum est.
Things to Say to Your Psychiatrist
Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of
Europe.
Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum
Europae vincendarum.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I have this compulsion to speak Latin.
Latine loqui coactus sum.
What has my mother got to do with it?
Quid
agitur de matre mea?
Really rad, dude!
Radicitus, comes!
What's happening?
Quid fit?
  Things to Say to an Obnoxious Child
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on
windswept crags.
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes
in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad
necem.
I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me,
sticks to you!
Flexilis sum, gluten es, me resilit, ad
te haeret!
  Things to Say to a Movie Star
You look shorter and older in person.
Videris humilior seniorque coram.
Can I have your autograph?
Licetne tibi mihi dare tuam
subscriptionem?
I do not have any spare change.
Est mihi nullus nummus superfluus.
I gave at the office.
In tabulario donationem feci.
I do not wish to "check it out."
Nolo id "perscrutari."
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
Things to Say to a Malfunctioning Soft-Drink
Machine
You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or
give me back my money!
Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel
mihi redde nummos meos!
Lingua Latina Rationi
Holy Moly!
Mecastor!
I didn't expect you home so soon!
Non sperabam te domum tam cito revenite!
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front
of any catapults!
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules!
  Embarrassing Situations Are Less
Embarrassing in Latin
I'd like to buy some condoms.
Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
I didn't expect you home so soon!
Non sperabam te domum tam cito revenire!
I don't know how that got into my pocket.
Nescio quomodo illud in sinum meum
intraverit.
Of course I know what day today is! I just can't
remember the English word for it.
Scilicet scio quid sit hodiernus dies!
Modo ei non possum meminisse verbum
Anglicum.
Oh! I was just looking to see whether you had any
Kleenex here among these papers on your desk.
O! Conabar cognoscere num tibi adsit
Nascida in mensa tua inter haec scripta.
Do you by any chance happen to own a large, yellowish,
very flat cat?
Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et
planissima?
Bald-Faced Lies Are Less
Bald-Faced in Latin
The check is in the mail.
Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est.
I have nothing to declare.
Nihil declaro.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Nescio quid dicas.
It was that way when I got here.
Ita erat quando hic adveni.
There's no one here by that name.
Nemo hic adest illius nominis.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Flattery Sounds More Sincere in Latin
Have you lost weight?
Nonne macescis?
You haven't aged a bit!
Minime senuisti?
It looks great on you!
Id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam!
A wig? I never would have guessed!
Capillamentum? Haudquaquam conieci esse!
  Intimate Subjects Are Easier to Broach
in Latin
Your fly is open.
Braccae tuae aperiuntui.
Your slip is showing.
Subucula tua apparet.
You have a big piece of spinach on your front
teeth.
In dentibus anticis frustum magnum
spinaciae habes.
You've been misusing the subjunctive.
Abutebaris modo subjunctivo.
  Self-Assertiveness Is Simpler in Latin
Hey, we're all in line here!
Heus, hic nos omnes in agmine sunt!
No cutting in!
Noli inferre se in agmen!
No, excuse me, I believe
I'm
next.
Non, mihi ignosce, credo
me
insequentem esse.
You're from New York, aren't you?
Nonne de Novo Eboraco venis?
  Threats Carry More Weight in Latin
Watch out-y might end up divided into three parts,
like Gaul.
Prospice tibi
-
ut Gallia, tu quoque in tres partes
dividaris.
People will soon be referring to you in the past pluperfect
tense.
In tempore praeterito plus quam perfecto
de te mox dicent.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any
catapults.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
Fighting Words Are Safer in Latin
What did you call me?
Quid me appellavisti?
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Ita, te adloquor.
You want to repeat that?
Visne illud iterare?
A comedian, huh?
Ita veto, esne comoedus?
Oh yeah? Your mother!
Itane? Tua mater!
You want to make something of it?
Visne aliquid de illo facere?
You and whose army?
Tutene? Atque cuius exercitus?
Let's step outside.
Foras gradiamur.
Well, if you don't understand plain Latin, I'm
not going to dirty my hands on you.
Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas
in te maculare.
Excuses Sound More Believable in Latin
My dog ate it.
Canis meus id comedit.
The cleaning lady threw it away.
Ancilla id abiecit.
It fell into the shredder.
Id in machinam schidarum scindendarum incedit.
I did call. Maybe your answering machine is
broken.
Sane ego te vocavi. Forsitan capedictum
tuum desit.
My watch stopped.
Horologium manuale meum stitit.
My car wouldn't start.
Currus meus se movere noluit.
I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?
Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus
est?
  B.s. Is More Convincing in Latin
I'm glad you asked me that.
Gaudeo te illud de me rogavisse.
I'll put all my cards on the table.
Chartas meas omnes in tabulam ponam.
You know, I'm your biggest fan.
Edepol, fautoi tuus maximus sum.
I'm only thinking of what's best for you.
Modo cogito quid prosit rebus tuis.
Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Mihi crede, hoc mihi magis quam tibi
nocet.
  Latin Medical Names for Nonexistent But
Useful Diseases
Impedimentum memoriae
(a mental block that makes it hard for you
to remember names)
Inopia celeritatis
(a mild dyslexia that makes it impossible
to arrive on time)
Dolor anteprandialis
(a gastric problem that occasionally makes you cancel
a lunch)
Morbus irrigationis
(a rare disease aggravated by watering friends"
plants)
Taedium pellucidorum
(an eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's
slides)
An All-Purpose Evasion of a Request for a
Latin Translation
  You can't say that in Latin.
Illud Latine dici non potest.
An All-Purpose Phony Translation of a
Latin Inscription
"Having done these things, they made the sacrifices
prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in
filial piety."
Lingua Latina Docta
I can't get no satisfaction...
Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possuminin
My favorite group is the Rolling Stones.
Caterva carissima mea Lapides
Provolventes est.
I like the Beach Boys
Amo Pueros Litoris.
At the Theater
If you want good tickets, you've got to go to a
scalper.
Si desideras tesseras bonas tibi
opus est ad sectorem ire.
You know, we really ought to go to the theater more often.
Pol, ad spectaculum saepius nobis
eundum est.
Fire!
Flamma!
At a Concert
What time do you think we'll be out of here?
Quo tempore credis nos exituros?
Is it over? Do I applaud now?
Estne confectum? Nuncine applaudo?
At a Literary Gathering
Seen any good movies lately?
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
How about those Forty-Niners?
Quid
sentis de Undequinquagintis?
At a Poetry Reading
It doesn't rhyme.
Nullo metio compositum est.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it
isn't a poem.
Non curo
.
Si metrum non habet, non est
poema.
At an Art Exhibition
You call this art? A two-year-old could do better.
Dicisne hoc opus artem essei Quivis
infans rem meliorem facere potest.
I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.
Cum Musis deditus non sim, nosco quod
amo.
  At the Vatican
Know where I can get a cup of coffee around here?
Scisne ubi pocillum coffeae apud hanc
locum possim capere?
Is this the way to the Sistine Chapel?
Ducitne haec via ad Capellam Sextinam?
Is it all right if I use a flash in here?
Licetne mihi hic fulgure uteri?
Now
that's
a ceiling!
Ecce lacunar mirum!
Is this the only gift shop?
Haecine taberna munusculorum unica est?
Excuse me, can you recommend a good restaurant
nearby?
Nisi molestum est, potesne mihi
recommendare popinam bonam vicinam?
Where can I get a hat like that?
Ubi possum potiri petasi similis isti?
  At the Movies
This is a remake of a French film.
Haec imago movens ex pristina Gallicana
recreata est.
The sequel is never as good as the original.
Sequella numquam tam bona est quam
oiigo.
Look out, there's some crud on this seat.
Cave, aliquod squaloris est in hac sede.
Timeless Lines from the Movies
Make my day.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Round up the usual suspects.
Conlige suspectos semper habitos.
You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in
Kansas anymore.
Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non
iam adesse.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
All Music Is Classical Music in
Latin
My favorite group is ...
Caterva carissima mea est...
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The Beatles
Cimictus
The Temptations
Inlecebrae
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The Rolling Stones
Lapides Provolventes
The Who
Ille Quis
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The Grateful Dead
Mortui Grati
The Monkees
Simitatores
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The Beach Boys
Pueri Litoris
Country Joe and the Fish
Iosephus Agrestis Piscesque
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All TV Is Educational TV in Latin
My favorite show is ...
Spectaculum caiissimum est ...
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Gilligan's Island
Insula Gilliganis
Jeopardy
Periculum
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Hollywood Squares
Quadrata Iliceti
Wheel of Fortune
Rota Fortunae
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The Love Boat
Navis Amoris
Diff'rent Strokes
Ictus Diff'rentes
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Leave It to Beaver
Id Castori Concedite
Happy Days
Dies Felices
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Mission: Impossible
Opus: Quod Fieri Non Potest
The Young and the Restless
Iuvenes Inquietesque
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Hawaii Five-O
Hawaii Quinque-Nil
Divorce Court
Curia Divortiorum
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The Gong Show
Spectaculum Tintinnabuli
The Flintstones
Illi Silices
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The Price Is Right
Pretium Iustum Est
The Twilight Zone
Zona Crepusculi
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Lingua Latina Vitae Communi
SALVE CLASSIS DE ANNO LXIII
Face it, you're stuck in a dead-end job.
Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris
amplioris.
Is that a grey hair?
Illaecine canities?
Aren't high school reunions great?
Nonne conventus ludi litterarum praestant?
Put on a little weight, haven't you?
Nonne aliquantulum pinguescis?
  In a Bar
I'll have ...
Da mihi sis ...
... a light beer.
...
cerevisiam dilutam.
... a glass of white wine
....
poculum vini albi.
... a martini.
...
spiculum argenteum.
... a fog cutter.
...
quod nebulam dissipat.
I'll drink to that!
Hoc ei propinabo!
Bartender! Another round!
Caupo! Etiamnunc!
Cheers!
Propino tibi salutem!
At a WASP Country Club
That is the largest drink I have ever seen.
Ilia potio maxima est a me visa.
I think several of the people here are dead.
Credo nonnullos hic mortuos esse.
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the
plaid jacket!
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea
et tunica Caledonia
-
quam elegantei concinnatur!
I can't understand what you are saying. Are your jaws
wired together?
Verba tua intellegere non possum. Filone
ferreo maxillae tuae iunctae sunt?
At a Hip Disco
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky
Broadway.
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam
scio.
How do you get your hair to do that?
Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
  At a Birthday Party
Happy birthday!
Tibi diem natalem felicem!
Here's a pinch to grow an inch!
Te vellico ut uncia crescas!
Speech! Speech!
Ora! Ora!
  At a Family Reunion
  Put on a little weight, haven't you?
Nonne aliquantulum pinguescis?
Is that a gray hair?
Illaecine canities?
Honeyst buster, when are you going to get married?
Mellitast-es, quando aliquemstaliquam in
matrimonium accipiesstduces?
You're not going to get a divorce, are you?
Num est tibi in animo divortium facere?
Face it, you're stuck in a dead-end job.
Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris
amplioris.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Re vera, potas bene.
Isn't it great to have the whole family together?
Nonne dulce est familiam totam in unum
locum cogere?
  At Your High School Reunion
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar?
Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
  Talking to Pets
Polly want a cracker?
Pulle! Visne frustum?
Sit! Roll over! You see, he understands Latin.
Sede! Volve! Ecce, Latine scit.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box?
I put new litter in it.
Feles mala! Cut cista non uteris?
Stramentum novum in ea posui.
  Useful Curses
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam barbari spatium propnum tuum
invadant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire
philosophy!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam
totam suffodiant!
May you always misuse the subjunctive!
Utinam modo subiunctivo semper male
utaris!
Biological Terms of Endearment
Homo sapiens
A human being
Fiber fervidus
An eager beaver
Cuniculus inscius
A dumb bunny
Pavo absolutus
A total turkey
Lacertus atrioli
A lounge lizard
Fera festiva
A party animal
Radix lecti
A couch potato
Lingua Latina Libidinosa
Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on!
O! Plus! Perge!
Do you come here often?
Frequentasne hunc locum?
Haven't we met somewhere before?
Nonne alicubi prius convenimus?
What's your sign?
Quo signo nata es?
You strike me as a very deep person.
Apparet te habere ingenium profundum.
I feel that I already know you.
Sentio me iam te novisse.
I think fate brought us together.
Credo fatum nos coegisse.
Your place or mine?
Apudne te vel me?
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
A little more up and to the right.
Paululum sursum et dextrorsum.
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
O! Plus! Petge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Ending the Relationship
Let's not rush into anything.
In ullam rem ne properemus.
I'm not ready to make a commitment.
Non sum paratus me committere.
I'm not sure we're right for each other.
Nescio num alius idoneus alii sit.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Sperp nos familiares mansuros.
I guess fate wanted us to part.
Suspicor fatum nos voluisse
diversos.
LATIN
Lingua Latina Cenatica
Give me a hamburger, French fries, and a
thick shake.
Da mihi sis bubulae frustum assae,
solana tuberosa in modo Gallico fricta,
ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum.
The waitress drew a smiley face on the
check.
Ancilla in computatione faciem
subridentem pinxit.
I'll have ...
Da mihi sis ...
...
a hamburger, French fries, and a thick shake...
.
bubulae frustum assae, solana tuberosa in
modo Gallico fricta ac quassum
lactatum coagulatum
crassum.
... a bucket of fried chicken
...
.
hamam pulli tosti.
... a pizza with everything on it.
...
crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
In a Chain Theme Restaurant
I want the Buffalo chicken wings.
Alas gallinaceas de urbe Bovis volo.
The waitress drew a smiley face on my
check.
Ancilla in computatione faciem subridentem
pinxit.
Frankly, I think the chef put too much thyme in
the sauce.
Ut vere dicam, credo coquum nimium thymi in
liquamen mississe.
Look at the size of that pepper mill.
Ecce magnitudinem illae molae piperi.
It's a nice little wine, but it lacks character and depth.
Vinum bellum iucundumque est, sed animo
corporeque caret.
In a Chinese Restaurant
Please, no MSG.
Parce, sodes, glutamato monosodio.
Do you have "flied lice?" Ha ha ha.
Habesne "olyzam flictam?" Hae hae hae.
  At the Stop "n" Shop
Look!...
Ecce!...
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...
Jelly beans
...
Fabae suaves
...
Potato chips
...
Assulae solanorum tuberosorum
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...
Gummy Bears
...
Ursuli Gummi
...
Coca-Cola
...
Cola-Coca
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...
Bubble gum
...
Manducabulla
...
Cheez Whiz
...
Caseus Velox
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...
Mars Bars
...
Lateres Martiales
...
Twinkies
...
Scintillae
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...
Milky Ways
...
Viae Lacteae
...
Tinfoil
...
Bractea stannea
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...
Moon Pies
...
Crusta Lunares
...
Glad Bags
...
Sacci Laeti
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...
Pretzels
...
Nodi salsi
...
Aspirin
...
Pilulae acetylsalicylicae
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Take a look at those steaks!
Contemplate carunculas illas!
You've really got to soak the charcoal with fuel.
Necesse est carbonem igne Graeco
madefacere.
The mosquitoes are murder tonight!
Culices pessimi hac node sunt!
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right
into your face?
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum
recta in faciem ferri?
Come and get it!
Venite ac capite!
A Roman Recipe
1. Get 1,000 larks.
I. Alaudarum M
cape.
2. Remove their tongues and set aside.
II. Linguas exseca et sepone.
3. Discard the larks.
III. Alaudas abice.
4. Put the tongues in a pan with a little
oil and saut@eqkly.
IV. Linguas mitte in sartaginem cum paulo
olei et frige cito.
5. Transfer to a hot platter. Serves four.
V. Eas ttaice ad patellam calidam.
Quattuor sufficit.
Lingua Latina Domestica
I hate broccoli.
Odi brassicam
Give me a break.
Da mihi habenas
Don't play with your food.
Noli ludere alimento.
What do you say we join the clean plate club.
Nos coniungamus collegio Patellae
Purae.
Domestic Discourse
Honey, I'm home.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Sheesh, what a day!
Mehercle, qui dies!
You did what to the car?
Quid
carrus passus est?
You paid how much for that dress?
Quantum illae stolae pependisti?
Something's burning.
Aliquid ardet.
Oh, no, it's the roast, and the boss is coming
to dinner!
Vae, ardet assa bubula atque patronus ad
cenam veniet!
Minor Misunderstandings
Shopping list? What shopping list?
Libellus comparandorum? Qui libellus
comparandorum?
I thought you were going to pick up the kids.
Credidi te liberos colligere.
Don't ask me where the keys are. You had them
last.
Noli me logare ubi sint claves. Eas nunc
nuper habebas.
But you told me your mother was coming
next
month!
Sed me docuisti matrem tuam
postero
mense venturam esse!
A call from someone named "Bubbles?" It's a wrong
number.
Vocatusne de quadam "Bullula" nomine?
Numerus falsus est.
  Table Talk
My favorite! Tuna-noodle casserole!
Mea dilectissima! Farrago thunni!
What do you say we join the clean-plate club.
Nos coniungamus collegia patellae
purae.
You'll eat it and like it, or you'll have it for breakfast
tomorrow.
Aut id devorabis amabisque, aut eras
prandebis.
Don't play with your food! Remember the starving
Carthaginians!
Noli ludere alimento! Memento Caithaginienses
esurientes!
  Laying Down the Law
This report card is a disgrace.
Haec renuntatio infamis est.
Pay attention! I'm speaking to you!
Ausculta mihi! Tibi dico!
You're grounded!
Ad domum adligaris!
No TV for a week!
Nullam ultravisionem spectabis per
septem dies!
I'm cutting your allowance in half!
Peculium dimidiatum est!
When I was your age ...
Cum tam iuvenis eram quam nunc es ...
... I had a full-time job in a salt mine
...
in salinis diu laborabam.
... I won the Nobel Prize for promptness and
neatness.
...
Praemium Nobelium celeritatis et
munditiae abstuli.
... I could speak Latin.
...
Latine loqui poteram.
Tough Talk
n-O spells
No!
Verbum
non
N.o.n. scribitur!
Nothing doing, and that's final.
Haud fiet, et clavo fixum est.
I don't care what the other parents are
doing.
Curae mihi non est quod alii parentes
faciant.
I am not being unreasonable.
Non sum iniquus.
All right, we'll ask your mother.
Bene, matiem tuam rogabimus.
Okay, just this once.
Ita, semel et solum tibi permissum est.
Discussing the Baby-Sitter
I think she's from another planet.
Arbitror eam de planeta alia venisse.
Did her parents drop her off here in a
spacecraft?
Astroscaphane parentes eam hue portaverunt?
Maybe she's just a drug addict.
Fortasse modo opio addicta est.
I think I've seen her face on a milk carton
or down at the post office.
Credo me faciem suam in olla lactis vel in
tabulario tabellariorum vidisse.
In the Men's Department
This suit looks a little baggy.
Vestimentum laxum paululum videtur.
The lapels are too wide.
Fimbriae latiores sunt.
I don't like this shade.
Colorem hunc non diligo.
Honey, what do you think?
Mellilla, quid sentis?
When will it be ready?
Quando praesto fiet?
On the Road
We ought to have made that turn.
Nos opertuit tunc vertisse.
Give me the map.
Mihi da tabulam.
Let's ask directions.
Aliquem de via consulamus.
Would you like me to drive?
Visne me currum agree?
I am
not
lost.
Neutiquam erro.
Settle down back there.
Sedate vos, posteriores.
Why didn't you go when you had the chance?
Cur non isti mictum ex occasione?
You'll just have to hold it in.
Opus est tibi urinam inhibere.
Next time you'll take the bus.
Carro Canis Cani veharis posthac.
Lingua Latina Ritibus
What a lovely couple!
Qui coniuges belli!
It's not too late to back out!
Non
serus matrimonium fugias!
I hear she's pregnant.
Intellego eam praegnantem esse.
At a Black-Tie Dinner Party
Let's switch place cards.
Chartas loci mutemus.
Is this the right fork?
Hacine furcilla uti decet?
Wait, that's my bread plate.
Siste, patella panis est mea.
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
My dessert is on fire!
Mensa secunda mea flagrat!
At a Wedding
It's not too late to back out!
Non serus matrimonium fugias.
  At a Christening
Do you ever worry that there was a mix-up at the
hospital?
Vobisne curae umquam est num in
valetudinario confusio facta sit?
At a Funeral
Remember when we only used to run into each other
at weddings?
Meministine cum nos solum in nuptiis obviam
eramus?
Final Latin
DENIQUE DIAETAM EFFICACEM INVENI
AT LAST I HAVE FOUND A DIET THAT
WORKS
NUNC, VERO INTER SAXUM ET LOCUM
DURUM SUM
NOW, I REALLY AM BETWEEN A ROCK AND
A HARD PLACE
DIXI ME AEGROTARE, SED ECQUIS
AUSCULTARET?
I SAID I WAS SICK, BUT WOULD
ANYBODY LISTEN?
TAM EXANIMIS QUAM TUNICA NEHRU
FIO
I AM AS DEAD AS THE NEHRU
JACKET
INVICEM, RES BONA EST NON
PLUS DENTHARPAGARUM
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE GOOD NEWS
IS NO MORE DENTISTRY
SIC FRIATUR CRUSTUM DULCE
IT IS THUS THAT THE COOKIE CRUMBLES
OBESA CANTAVIT
THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
De scriptore
Henry Beard spent eight harrowing years studying
Latin, during which time he read selections from the works
of Caesar, Cicero, Virgil, Horace,
Ovid, Catullus, Plautus, Terence, and
Lucretius. After co-founding the
English-language periodical
National Lampoon
and writing a number of books in English, including
Sailing: A Sailor's Dictionary
and
Miss Piggy's Guide to Life,
he is happy to finally have an opportunity to make
some use of his knowledge of a language that really hasn't
been all that helpful over the years,
except for the time he suddenly realized that the thing he
was about to order from the menu of a restaurant in Rome
looked an awful lot like the Latin word for "eel."
Mr. Beard resides in
Novi Eboraci
(new York).