A further extract from

A PUPIL’S DIARY

Before beginning to look for a solution, one must first define the problem. That sounds logical. If only I could be sure what the problem is.

The fact that an Adept does not think or act like an ordinary human being is not the problem. The problem is my reaction to this situation. I try to accept it, to adjust to it, but it’s like catching quicksilver.

I think I know him fairly well, insofar as it is possible for any human being to know him, yet I can very rarely predict his response to any event.

I think the answer is BALANCE. Balance, as he said, is the key to everything. Look for the balanced reaction to any occurrence or statement and that is where he will be.

Providing I can figure out what is the balanced way.

In the early stages, one tries to equate balance with what one feels is the right thing to do. But the “right thing” is a dangerously subjective judgement.

To take just one example: I thought it was the right thing to save the seals. But those pitiful little furry creatures, allowed to multiply unchecked, drastically reduced the fish population. So Nature is now restoring the balance.

A world from which suffering had been eradicated would be as unbalanced as a world ruled by one mad dictator. It is emotionally difficult for me to accept that, because I want to provide plentiful supply of Whiskas for every cat in the world. I care about cats more than I care about anything else; and that could be an unbalanced view if I let it.

But how am I to prevent it being unbalanced? I am not at present in a position to do much for animal welfare. Maybe there is some improvement to be noted in the fact that I no longer wish to adopt every cat that appears in the garden. There are logical reasons for that, which would not to have occurred to me a few years ago.

The feelings are still there, but they do not influence my actions.

If feeling is all right but doing something as a result of that feeling is wrong, then I am on the track. Is it so easy?

From the Dark Lily Journal No 7, Society of Dark Lily (London 1988).