Billy the Kid

by Frank M. Roberts

December 2016

It's like Ole McDonald's hamburgers -- er, no -- Ole McDonald's farm -- it's the story of Billy the Kid. Here a Billy, there a Billy. Everywhere a Billy. (His mom called him William the Child. Nah). That leads me to the burning question - What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? An outlaw is wanted. Billy was wanted - on the screen - eight times - wanted by moviemakers who felt they could make a killing telling his story. If you were fond of western flicks you saw the Kid quite often.

In no particular order, here's how it happened. Back in '88 - 1988, that is - Emilio Estevez portrayed the outlaw in "Young Guns." There, he was seen as a hotshot hothead. In 1968 on the big screen and, several years later on the small screen, Paul Newman portrayed him as a hooligan. The movie was, "The Left Handed Gun." Left - that's right.

In 1989, Val Kilmer was in a flick aptly titled, "Billy the Kid." That was also for television. Country singer-songwriter Kris Kristofferson co-starred in "Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid." Second billing?. Side note, I interviewed KK, a Rhodes Scholar, and most of the conversation had to do with politics and the world situation. Stimulatin'. Have to add, he was a very nice guy easy to talk to - eager to talk as a matter of fact. It was like listening to a New York Times editorial writer.

Back to Billy. Geoffrey Deuel portrayed him in "Chisum." That was in 1970. Twenty years later in "Back To the Future III" the wondrous Michael J. Fox, as Marty McFly, did his shootin' in an arcade.

In 1989, in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure," Dan Shore (gitchy goo-me) was a stoned, hairy Kid. B-movie enthusiasts saw Johnny Mack Brown portraying the outlaw in another movie called, "Billy the Kid," the title later used by Kilmer. Chuck Courtney (who?) found BK fighting a land baron in - get this - "Billy the Kid vs. Dracula." (in the background Bela Lugosi was spinning in his grave). My favorite line, which I just made up, was "I vill suck the bloood out of your wound.") That was in 1963.

In 1965, Billy was batty in a real must-see. Johnny Ginger (who?) was the outlaw in a title that thrilled English teachers everywhere = "The Outlaws Is Coming." It was a trio this time - not The Andrews Sisters, but, of course, The Three Stooges. Ain't that a poke in the eye? Perhaps they used deadly crowbars instead of guns.

The notorious outlaw co-starred with the notorious Jane Russell in Howard Hughes' initially banned movie - "The Outlaw." Jack Beutel had the title role. His career went down quicker than a bullet from a six-shooter.

The movie was banned because the prude censors of that day felt there was too much bustle in Russell. The 1940 flick coupled the big guns with big Jane who later reformed, I guess, by singing gospel. Actually, she organized the "Hollywood Christian Group." There must have been some atheist members - as the Lord's name was uttered when she pranced onscreen. She conducted Bible studies in her home and appeared on the teevee show, "Praise the Lord," on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

She recorded an album of hymns and, at the age of 79, described herself thusly: "I am a teetotal, mean-spirited, right wing, narrow-minded conservative Christian bigot, but not a racist." (whew). She co-starred with Marilyn Monroe in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." The blonde whom the gents preferred said, "Jane tried to convert me (to religion) and I tried to convert her to Freud." Er - was that Kid Freud? Speaking of which, I saw this sign on a church: "Suppressing a moment of anger may save a day of sorrow." Amen, brother. Another church sign: "No perfect people allowed." Whoa - that lets me out.

One more thought: "To err is human, to really foul things up you need a computer."

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From the Department of Scary Statistics: More Americans have been killed on their highways than Americans have perished at other enemy's hands in all the nation's wars. Cell phones are probably 'upping' those statistics. Add to that - this: It is the local slow lanes that claim the most victims because they remain the heaviest traveled.

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The nation's worst city for murder and infant mortality? Not Detroit, but the nation's capital.

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If you travel enough you probably know this: When a highway number is even it goes east and west. When it is odd, as you figured by now, it goes north and south.

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One stop - one car. One day, in Canada, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police found no drugs - just an Uzi submachine gun, several Russianand Israeli assault rifles, six automatic pistols, a .22 pistol, more than 3,000 rounds of ammunition, a hand grenade, burglary equipment, an electric zap gun used to stun people ---- and ---- a partridge in a pear tree.

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President Franklin Delano Roosevelt caught polio after fighting a forest fire in 1921.

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We've come a long way, baby. On Jan. 2, 1900, Florence Woods became the first female to drive a car in New York City's Central Park. The New York Times covered the event.

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Prisons, or, rather prison buildings and prison fillings, are America's fastest growing industries as society's fears and impatience with real violence mount.... Oh, for the days of Billy the Kid.