Elderly

by Frank M. Roberts

January 2017

There's a line in the Gershwin song about, "Old Man River" - 'body's all aching and racked with pain.' At 88, it hits home and I am constantly told - 'well - at your age, what do you expect?' I didn't expect my body to be achin' and racked with pain. I didn't see people I've known for years - to put it judiciously - 'passing on' every few weeks.

A great many such folks are waiting in line - many of them in nursing homes. They keep going, as I do, with beaucoup visits to doctors, by gulping down pills, pills, and more pills. Swallow the little things as you stare at teevee commercial after teevee commercial about prescription after prescription. It's like waiting for the train to stop at 'that' station 'END OF THE LINE.'

There is a modicum of hope, but it seems too strange to counterattack all of those tv blurbs, most of which tell you of the dangers of taking their products in the first place. A possible cure? Teresa Brewer once sang about it - "Music, Music, Music." It is, by the way, recommended by the Alzheimer's Association. Music, they note, is the last part of the brain touched by the frightening disease.

One story concerns a gentleman who's been suffering from Alzheimer's for 10 years and, not once, has he ever downed a pill. His wife cares for him - in more ways than one. He is alive and happy as he listens to the songs that were so much a part of his life. Sound simple? Yes. Sound revolutionary? Yes. Sound like something worth looking into? Yes. It's happening but slowly. A web site, Reddit.com will tell you more about it. Ten to one, you will probably pass and continue picking up your little bottles of whatever your make believe tv phyisician recommends. Oh, I have to add this: Centrum Silver is not a pill for the Lone Ranger's horse. Hi-yo!

Substitute music for medication? It's been working. The Alz Association tells us that the number of patients trying this should double in the next 10 years. The million figure shows up in their report, a report most people will dismiss with a shoulder shrug.

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On a lighter note - do you know why Pentecostals don't make love standing up? People will think they're dancing. (Bring out the snip scissors). Conversely - the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that He doesn't exist - Another thought from the same pages: Eve blamed the snake - the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

Celebrate your best friend-iversary. . . .Circuses are 'kaput'. Pix of elephant training idiots beating up their charges helped bring that about. By the way, where did that 'Elephant Insurance' company come from? They may have to change it to - well - maybe - Kangaroo Insurance.

Got time on your hands? Do something frivolous. . . .Walk to the beat of your own tuba. . . .Don't steal. The government hates competition. . . .

Sit, Trigger, sit while I peruse some items about the guy atop. In the years between 1934 and 1954 Roy Rogers was annually voted the number one money-making star. More than 400 merchandising products had his signature including Sears-Roebuck which had his name on hats, chaps, boots, toy six guns, 32 different designs of belt buckles, and school lunch boxes. Quite a list for the li'l cowpokes. Wait -there's more including (gulp) 1,900 hardback books, records galore, comic strips, and endorsements for Quaker Oats. Here's the lesson, kiddies: RR never received a high school diploma.

Boy, he was 'sly' - born that way - Leonard Slye. 'Her' real name was Frances Octavia Smith. He was King Of the Cowboys so, naturally, Dale Evans was dubbed Queen Of the West. A personal note: They were married in Blytheville, Ark., the same town where my son, Clavis, got hitched. He was in the Air Force; Rogers was hoping to become a doctor. (Doc, can you patch these bullet holes?).

Rogers' favorite western star matched mine: Hoot Gibson. (We gave a 'hoot' about Hoot). We liked his shoes - the infamous Hootboot. Rogers' first acting job? Santa in a high school play. Ho-ho-Hoot. (Think of Trigger, the Red-Nosed horsie).

Another showbiz note: Can you imagine 'Meathead' being portrayed by Harrison Ford? Rob Reiner got the "All In the Family" role. Ford turned down the role - too many insults, etc. Rob Reiner was just fine as the young liberal.

Be more loquacious, starting with learning to spell - loquacious. Might's well close up shop with somethin' stoopid: Guy goes to his doctor complaining - "Doc, I think I'm shrinking." Dr. -"You'll just have be be a little patient."