Mr. Know it All

by Frank M. Roberts

October 2015

Dear Mr. K.I.A (know-it-all)Scientist: My li'l boy sheds more than little bitty tears. He cries and yowls when he sees a daddy long legs. Whassa matter for him? Signed, Had It.

Dear H. I. Have no fear about his fear. He has a bad case of tipulophobia, and there are many like him. Just give that poor man's spider a flick. It is relatively harmless - unless swallowed

Dear Mr. K.I.A: I'm 6-years-old. My brother, who's 3, said he's got trypophobia. I'm 6 and I don't know what-in-hell he's yammering about. Signed, Dolly.

Dear Dolly: Your bro is feared of the dreaded crane fly. It's relatively harmless. It's home is in midwestern Yugoslavia, so you don't have much to worry about.

Dear Mr. K.I.A: I like to walk with granny but, every now and then she takes off in a gallop. Signed, Whassamatta.

Dear W: Your sweet granny has - honestly - a fear of - are you ready for this? Holes. She has trypophobia - and that's for real. Just tell her to keep one eye out for traffic, and the other for holes in the road, and she'll be all right. But, if she does fall in a hole, don't giggle at her. Trypophobiates are sensitive.

Dear Mr. K.I.A. - You'll probably laugh at my letter and toss it aside - but, my Aunt Jack says she suffers from turophobia. It sounds cheese-y. Signed, Mr. Kraft.

Dear Mr. Kraft - I hate this. If there are more like your oddly-named aunt, my stock would plummet. Turophobia is - honestly - a fear of cheese (with or without holes). That includes cream and cottage.

On Sunday, I answer appropriate letters. Readers have asked me about paraphobia and uranophobia. The first is fear of the Pope, and the other is fear of heaven.

Dear Mr. Oak, Mr. Willow, Mr. Elm and others of your ilk. The problem you're talking about is hylophobia - the fear of trees. There is no such thing as leafaphobia.

Dear Sir and/or Ma'm. I have a cousin who's afraid of being afraid. Does that make sense? Signed, Woodsy Owl.

Dear W.O. Yep. It's the fear of fear. Honest. Fear of fear of fear of fear. Boris Karloff had that problem.

Dear Mr. K.I.A. My hairy-faced cuz has given me a case of poronophobia. Every time I see a clean-faced dude, I break out in a sweat. So, what's my problem. Signed, Huh?

Dear Huh? You will have to stay inside. Over the last several years everyone, except ladies and babies are growing beards. You are, obviously, a-feared of 'em.

Here is a problem that never bothered Hugh Hefner or, me, for that matter. We don't suffer from Venustraphobia - a fear of beautiful (not necessarily buxom) women. A real baddie is aphephobia. You got it? Means you're afraid of being touched. This has nothing to do with 'touched' in the head.

If you wanna drive people up the wall, walk around exuding a baaad odor. You are classified as suffering from autodysomophobia. When soap and deoderants are taken off the market, our country will be over-run with -- er -- what I just wrote.

W. O. told me about a modern age problem. Some people have nomophobia. That's a 21st century problem. It means - honestly - that you are deathly afraid of losing cell phone contact. The eminent 'me' suggests concentrating on your driving.

A personal note: My kids suffer deeply from soteriophobia - the fear of becoming dependent on someone else. AAwww - daddy is here.

I'll quit here. The editor may not like all this, and I might get a case of rejectophobia.

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In care you're wondering, all of the above is legit. I leave you with this question: "Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog??

No - I leave you with this confession: "I was surrounded by a bull and a lion. I shot the lion first, because I could always shoot the bull."