The U.S.A.

by Frank M. Roberts

January 2017

The good, ole USA - a few odd items that probably never encased itself in your brain. I got the idea for this first one from a story I wrote a few eons ago about a house sitting halfway in Camden County, N. C. and Pasquotank County, N. C. I did the interview in the kitchen I was in in Pasquotank; the home owners were sitting across from me in Camden. On the kitchen table was a vase of flowers, smack dab in the middle.

I thought that was fascinating but, I recently found out about a homestead that puts that in the dust. The original owner was Cecille Bechard whose home-sweet-home is smack dab on the border of the U. S. and Canada. The fridge and the back porch are in Maine. The northernbedroom and the northern part of the kitchen are in Canada.

Finally, the border was adjusted so, her chief worry was, "how am I going to handle those Canadian winters?"

As a senior citizen with thin blood, I have a tough time handling those chilly summertime cooold days h'yar in the South. When I was younger, of course, it was a different story. I spent a few years handling those cooold Nome days. But, I loved Alaska which is twice as big as a later home state - Texas. I lived in - Corpus Christi. The Alaska coastline is as long as that of the rest of the United States - its topograhy is more extreme than that of the other states. Her mountains are bigger, her rivers are colder, her weather is harsher. Her lakes are unnumbered, and most of her vastness is untracked. Bottom line? The people of that state love it. I sure did.

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Onto another subject - the infamous soap opera. The first one? Probably a drama you never heard about - "Hawkins Falls." It aired on NBC in 1950 and was sponsored by a blue detergent called,"Surf." Four shows and, whoops! It was taken off the air. When it came back the next year, thanks to its sponsor, it was called a soap opera. Broadcast live from Chicago, the 15-minute boo-hoo playlet took place in Hawkins Falls. It lasted four years and, incidentally, the town was patterned after a real town - Woodstock, Illinois.

Long-time teevee pesonality, Hugh Downs, was the show's announcer. One of the old Steve Allen sidekicks, Tom Poston, a fixture on teevee for many years had a small role. Frank Dane, the lead, had a large role but, he turned out to be a pain in the patootie. Downs noted that he was a powerful actor with a very good part. And, he was a temperamental cuss. One day, he walked off the set, demanding more dough-re-mi and, to top that, he demanded fewer lines. (Was he for real? Yep). The happy ending? They wrote him off the script. Bang-bang -- they killed him off, replacing him with a newer and, presumably, hungrier actor.

A teevee scrawl writer needed to be replaced. I watched the entry of 2017 on CBS and 'that place' was referred to as Time Square. So, the whole world got a lesson in stupidity. It is Times Square (so named because the New York Times offices were there). The New Year to-do is located about six blocks from my school. I was, of course, born-raised in NYC, but only attended the N. Y. eve services once. The big nuisance was joining a million or so - mostly visitors - trying to catch a subway back to whereever.

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In 1912 some guy ordered a parcel of hunting boots. The mailer was a businessman named L. L. Bean who eventually did for boots what Richard W. Sears and Alvah C. Roebuck would eventually do for a host of other pre-WalMart items. They sold mass mail-order items which, as you know, changed the face of American merchandising.

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Tee-raffic is tee-reffic. Before chug-chug cars ruled the roads - there were the horses. The equines, unlike so many of their later human counterparts, required experts and colored lights to direct 'em. Here's the secret: Green is for go, red is for stop, yellow is for 'go very fast'. I know - you're not guilty.

What-the-hey -- let's stay with it. In 1920 the first flat tire was discovered and cussed at. Moments later there was the change from rubber wheels (so rubber doesn't always guarantee protection) to smoother-riding inflatable ones. Here's another: In '29 the first car radio was installed, presumably complete with static. And, to wind up all this 'car stuff' - Americans, who comprise less than 6 per cent of the globe's population, burn up more than 40 per cent of its gasoline.

More car stuff before I throw in the towel: Drive-In movies were 'invented' in the 1930s in a field near Camden, N. J. One ticket per carload - sometimes with a teen smuggled in the rumble seat. Baby sitters not required.

Car jokes - well - sort of: Man lost control of his car. He - uh - couldn't keep up his payments. On the other hand, some cars have things that last a lifetime - payments. Finally, there is the story of the sweet wife who asked her husband to, "be an angel and let me drive." He did -- and he is.

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Circus mogul P. T. Barnum came up with a 'midget' wedding idea. He wanted to unite two people - two very small people in love so, in 1863 he shared the joy with about 2,000 close friends. The ceremony was in a large NYC church. The diminutive Mercy Lavinia Warren Bump became Mrs. Tom Thumb. Today, it could've been an inter-marriage: She could have been Mercy Bump Thump Trump. Mercy, indeed! It wouldn't have worked. Her 'measurements' were not up to Trump specifications.

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Life Savers, which helped keep dentists in business, were invented in 1912 by Clarence Crane, a chocolatier, as a preference to chocolate mints. The original slogan was: "For that stormy breath." Wouldn't work for me. I'm a Jujube enthusiast but, they are so hard to find. My daughter, Jennifer, gifted me with a huge box of about 15 packages. They should last all week. I consume them like- well - candy. (There's an old saying that, "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.") Speaking of sweets, during World War 2, when human packers stuck flirtatious notes into war area bound boxes, a number of marriages resulted. Pre-Facebook, etc.

Finally, a look at a favorite subject: Money. "Workers earn it, spendthrifts, burn it, bankers lend it, women spend it, forgers fake it, taxes take it, people save it, misers crave it, robbers seize it, rich increase it, gamblers lose it --- we could use it." Amen, bro!

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As someone who's been raising Siamese cats for about 40 years, I can attest: Petting a cat has been shown to reduce blood pressure in the human. So, thanks to twin sisters, Weetsie and Beetsie, who we adopted from a pound all is well in that department. Their names were suggested by Jujube daughter. It was the nickname I tagged on her when she was a wee one - Weetsie-Beetsie. WB is now 50, has her own weets-beets girls and, at last count we are up to four great-grand-daughters, with number five due in a few weeks. Love 'em all. By the way, we've been raising Siamese's for about 40 years. Also, we used to raise gorgeous Irish Setters.

Finally, if you see doctors as much as I do, you should appreciate the story of the patient who walked into a doc's office and was told he needed an operation. He asked, "what are you operating for?" The medic said, "$2,000." The patient said, "no, what's the reason?" The good doc said, "I told you $2,000." Humorous? Maybe not.