Commoditas haec est in nostro maxima pene,
laxa quod esse mihi femina nulla potest.
Aye in this prickle of ours the bonniest boon to be found is,
Loose for my daily use never a woman can be.
The greatest advantage in my penis is this, that no woman can be [too] roomy[1] for me.
[1. A popular theme of the poets. From Scioppius, 'However loose her coynte may be I will zealously fill it.' And from Martial against Lydia--
'Me roomy Lydia's private parts surpass
The lusty dray horse' elephantine arse;
Wide as the schoolboy's ringing iron hoop;
Vast as the ring the agile riders stoop
And leap through neatly, touching not the side,
As round and round the dusty course they ride;
Capacious as some old and well-worn shoe,
That's trudged the muddy streets since first 'twas new;
Stretched like the net the crafty fowler holds;
And drapery as a curtain's heavy folds;
Loose as the bracelet gemmed with green and scarlet,
That mocks the arm of some consumptive harlot;
Slack as a feather bed without the feathers;
And baggy as some ostler's well-used leathers;
Relaxed and hanging like the skinny coat
That shields the vulture's foul and flabby throat.
'Tis said, while bathing once we trod love's path,
I know not, but I seemed to fuck the bath.
A somewhat similar person was the provident wife in the poem of "The Sutler', who when her husband was robbed of his horses and waggon and all his goods by a party of the enemy's forces, consoled him as follows--
'No matter,' she said, and look'd with a smile,
'I did the damn'd party, in some sort, beguile;'
Then drew out a purse twice as big as your fist,
'Tho' they search'd me,' said she, 'this treasure they missed;
Then prithee, be cheerful.' This gave him new life,
He wept, and he laugh'd, and he ogl'd his wife,
And leering upon her, said, 'Tell me, my dear,
Where was it you hid the purse I see here?'
She smil'd on her spouse, then laugh'd in his face,
'I hid it,' said she, 'in a certain place,
With which you're acquainted! He said, 'My dear life,
I see you're a careful and provident wife;
You've done very well, but you'd had more to brag on,
If you there had conceal'd the horses and waggon.']