The String
by
Kathleen Ann Goonan

Dan tried to ignore the sadness that pervaded him whenever he and Jessica did 
something fun together. He smiled at her and her smile told him, "Don't worry, 
Dad, it's all right."
She was much more grown up than him. But that's what a fatal illness often did 
to a child, the doctors had told him.
Cincinatti was always cool in spring, and often overcast. Dan squinted at the 
sky as he unrolled the brilliant dragon kite Jessica had picked out and snared 
its breast with a string.
"Come on, Dad," she said, hopping from one foot to another. "What's taking you 
so long?"
"I'm kind of concerned about those trees," he said. Huge oaks surrounded the 
ballfield across the street from their house, but it was the clearest place 
around. The gusting wind held the sweet tang of rejuvination. How many springs 
would his daughter see? He had to try to knot the string twice; his hand 
trembled the first time and he missed poking it through.
Jessica was short for her age, eight, and she wheezed a lot. Dan knew she would 
be dead in a few years but tried not to think about it too much. He wouldn't 
live forever either. Anita was bitter about their daughter having cystic 
fibrosis, and seemed to want to blame it all on Dan, even though she knew that 
it took recessive genes from both parents.
Jessica lifted the kite, and its fanciful wings filled with wind. "It's 
gorgeous," she said. "Purple, red, and yellow."
He smiled at her, and she grinned back, her pale brown hair flying out from the 
hat pulled over her ears, her green eyes full of knowledge no child should have 
to bear, learned as she lay gasping for breath in an endless stream of anonymous 
hospital beds, stuck full of needles which dripped experimental drugs which 
never worked into her veins, which were getting harder and harder to find. 
"Well, what are you waiting for?" he asked.
He watched the string run through her hands as the wind took the kite. She 
played it out until the dragon floated high and small, then began to play with 
it, making it swoop, its long tail swirling like invisible writing on the gray 
sky.
Then she shrieked as a strong gust pulled the end of the string, which Dan had 
wrapped around a stick, from her hand. The dragon hung suspended for a moment, 
then zigzagged and plummeted into an oak tree.
"Oh no," said Jessica, looking stunned.
"It's okay," he said. He climbed the tree, cut the string with his penknife, 
pulled it the kite from the branches, and tossed it down to the ground. It was a 
little ripped up, but he thought he could fix it.
When he was almost down, he saw the tangled string, stuck in a lower branch. He 
reached over, worked it loose, and stuck it in his pocket. Then, holding hands, 
he and Jessica walked back to the old house he'd lived in since he was a child.
#

Later that night, when he finished putting the dishes away and Jessica was in 
bed, he remembered the string, and got it out of his pocket. Anita, on one side 
of the huge kitchen which served as sort of a living room too, was entrenched in 
her CAD, working on some specs she'd brought home. She was so good her firm had 
paid to have the computer assisted design setup here at home as well as at the 
office.
She looked up. "What's that?" she asked. 
"Just the kite string."
"Well, we don't need any more clutter around here. Throw it away." 
Instead, Dan sat down at the table and studied it. "Look," he said, "it's not 
really a knot."
"You couldn't get much more knotted than that," Anita said.
"No, look: one end stayed attached to the stick. One end stayed attached to the 
kite. It's not a knot. The ends never crossed. Theoretically, it's just a 
perfectly straight string."
"Right," said Anita. "Sure. That's exactly what it looks like to me. Well, I've 
got to get to bed. I guess it's my turn to take Jessica to physical therapy 
tomorrow," she said, with that familiar resentful edge to her voice.
"I would, but I've got a meeting in the afternoon." He was a structural 
engineer. He was aware that Anita, a brilliant, moody architect, sometimes found 
his methodical, dogged approach to life dull. He often wished he were more 
spontaneous, but he couldn't help himself. He had long since resigned himself to 
being in the background and assisting her rapidly advancing career in any way he 
could.
Dan sat at the table for half an hour, studying the string. Finally, he got two 
knives out of the drawer and tied one end to each knife. 
Then he started to pull little loops from the tight core.
Each loosening opened other possible avenues of unravelling, and he stared into 
the heart of the string, more and more fascinated. Each time he created some 
slack, he followed it down into the core, pulling and teasing, until it was lost 
in the nest of tightness. Each time, he felt a little ping of joy when the core 
of the string became more and more revealed.
It was three a.m. before he stopped, surprised at the time. How could he have 
become so absorbed? He was about to untie the string from the knives and throw 
it away when he stopped, smiled, and chucked the whole thing in a drawer. At 
least it was something to do.
He went to bed feeling better than he had in a long time.
#

When he got home from work that night Jessica ran to meet him and said, "Guess 
what? My lung capacity increased."
"Is that true?" Dan asked Anita, who was peeling carrots.
She didn't turn, but stopped what she was doing as she spoke. "That's what they 
said," she replied, in the terribly even voice she used whenever they discussed 
Jessica's medical problems. Then she went back to scraping carrots.
"That's wonderful, pumpkin," Dan said, and picked Jessica up, tossed her in the 
air. They'd learned to celebrate about anything, but this was something 
extraordinary.
"Yeah," she said, laughing. She went over and opened the silverware drawer so 
she could set the table. "What's this?" she said, and pulled out the wad of 
string dangling from one of the knives. "Is this the kite string?"
"Oh, Dan, I thought I told you to throw that away," said Anita.
Dan grabbed it, feeling unaccountably protective. "It's fun," he said. "You'd 
have to pay a lot of money for a puzzle as good as this." He put it up on a 
shelf. "Here, I'll help you set the table," he said.
After dinner, when everything was put away, Anita flipped on her CAD again. Her 
work was never done. Jessica started her homework, and Dan got his string down 
off the shelf and started to play with it.
It was wound quite tightly. He needed something to slide underneath the strands 
and pull them. Absently, he got up, rummaged in the drawer, and got two oyster 
forks. Hooking one through the central morass, he used the other to work a loop 
loose.
As he concentrated, he found himself thinking not about the string, but about 
Jessica. He tried to push back the relief and happiness he felt about the lung 
capacity--after all, within the progress of the disease, it only meant a 
temporary surcease--but joy nonetheless that Jessica might have a time of easier 
breathing, however short, flooded him. Despite himself, he imagined her running, 
playing, like other children, unburdened by her constant unnatural prescience of 
her own mortality. She was in the baseball field, up to bat, her little rear end 
stuck out as she leaned forward from the waist, grasping the bat. Her hair 
streamed back from her face. "Put 'er here," she yelled at the pitcher.
"What are you doing, Dan?" asked Anita, as her shadow fell across the table.
"Well," he said, startled back into the present, "these are the rules. Since the 
ends didn't cross when this was made, the rule is that I have to straighten it 
out without pulling the ends through. They always have to stay on the outside."
"Good lord," she said. "Well, it's after midnight." He looked up and saw she had 
her nightgown on. "I've been in bed for an hour. You know you don't feel good if 
you don't get enough sleep, and I don't know when you got to bed last night."
"You're right," he said, and put the string up on the shelf and went to bed. 
But the image of Jessica rounding the bases persisted into his dreams.
#
Three weeks later, he had still not solved the string. He worked on it nightly, 
much to Anita's disgust. "It's getting dirty," she said. 
One Tuesday evening, Dan looked up at a knock on the screen door. "Frank," he 
said. "Come on in."
Frank Jones, a widower from down the street, did, and the door slammed shut 
behind him. Crickets were gaining in volume and the smell of new-cut grass 
wafted into the kitchen. Frank, a tall thin man with a good head of snow-white 
hair, though he was almost seventy, put his hands on his hips and frowned. "What 
the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"Behaving like a crazy man, that's what," said Anita from her terminal.
"Dad's untying the string," said Jessica as she rushed through the kitchen.
"Where do you think you're going?" asked Dan.
"I'm just going out to play hide-and-seek with the kids."
"You've got exactly fifteen minutes."
"Oh, Dad!"
"I mean it." Dan was secretly pleased. It had been years since she'd felt well 
enough to keep going for so long, and now she'd be out with the neighborhood 
kids well after dark each night if he didn't put his foot down.
"Oh, all right," she grumbled, and rushed out the door.
"Get a beer, Frank, and sit down," said Dan, not lifting his eyes from his 
puzzle.
"Don't mind if I do." The old man opened the refrigerator, chose a beer, and 
pulled up a chair made of aluminum tubing. The seat and back were covered with 
marbleized dark green oilcloth.
"So what's up?"
Frank's bottle of Rolling Rock hissed as he opened it. "Ahh, nothing much. I 
wish the kids lived closer, I guess. You know, I got good days and bad days, 
just like always."
It had been three years since his wife had died suddenly of a stroke, and Frank 
came in regularly to complain about the loneliness of his life, which Dan knew 
was quite real. 
He remembered Mrs. Jones as he bent over the string, listening to Frank's 
laments. She had been a bustling, happy woman of the starched laundry school. 
She raised two boys while Frank put in his thirty years at the mattress factory, 
all the while tending to her massive garden and baking like a master chef.
He also remembered, quite vividly, the Joneses on their evening walk, hand in 
hand, strolling down the oak-lined street daily for as long as he could 
remember. He remembered Frank teaching him how to pitch a softball across the 
street at the park, because his father, though an affable sort, maintained an 
unfashionable dislike for the sport of the day. Frank's kind face had been 
younger then, and Dan unaccountably recalled that his eyes had beamed with 
happiness when, one day, he had looked right into Dan's and said, "You know, 
this is a lot of fun." Dan had realized, even though he was only ten, that 
"this" didn't just mean teaching him how to fake out the batter, but was a deep 
and basic satisfaction and appreciation of life itself.
Dan glanced up at Frank now. He was staring out the window, and his face looked 
blank and old. Dan didn't know why it had to be that way, why life had to wash 
through him like a wave and recede. The old man seemed like a discarded pot or 
piece of furniture, and it pained him.
He got up and went to the door. "Jessica!" he shouted. "It's been half an hour. 
Get in here right now!"
Jessica came pounding up the steps. Her cheeks were flushed in the porch light, 
and she dashed in under his arm and rushed upstairs before he could say a word.
"Kids," said Frank, but his face looked just as old and dead.
Later than night, after Anita had gone to bed--she seemed resigned now to his 
odd obsession--Frank slipped into Dan's mind again. He saw the old man happy and 
useful again, face bright, as he'd been right up to the day of Stella's death. 
Dan was suspended in the feeling of one man's deep contentment with the way 
things were, and felt enriched by that sharing. He knew now how rare such a 
feeling was.
It was only two evenings later that Frank came back. His step on the porch was 
so light Dan didn't recognize it, and his face was so altered that for a moment, 
looking up from his string, Dan was taken back ten years.
"Come in," said Dan. "You look great."
Frank got his beer and sprawled in the chair, long legs extended, and smiled. 
"You know," he said, "after the other night I got to thinking about how often I 
come by and whine, and decided to get up off my butt and do something for 
myself. Went over to the day care on 5th Street and they took me on as a 
volunteer. I'm telling you, Dan, am I ever glad to get out of that house every 
day. Didn't realize how gloomy it was with the curtains always pulled. Those 
kids are so cute."
His face was the face Dan had imagined. In fact, his breathing stopped for a 
second as he realized that he'd pictured Frank sitting here just like this, 
although he'd imagined that the source of his happiness was instead a new 
girlfriend. 
"I bet they are," said Dan.
The clicking of computer keys in the corner stopped and Anita said, "I wish Dan 
would do something besides work on that ridiculous string. He needs to get out 
and do something else."
"Like what, Anita?" asked Dan, wondering at the fear he felt about being 
separated from his string.
"Like a movie now and then, that's what. Or just going out for dinner. We 
haven't done anything in the evening except sit here like two lumps, and I'm 
getting tired of it!"
"You should have said something," said Dan, pushing the string away. He was very 
pleasantly surprised, even if Anita was just reacting jealously to his attention 
to the string. "I think we can just make the eight o'clock movie if we hurry."
"Who's going to watch Jessica?"
"I will," said Frank. He often baby-sat, but not usually on such short notice.
"Are you sure?" asked Dan.
"Of course he's sure," said Anita, getting up in a hurry. "Now, where are my 
keys?"
While he was at the movie, all Dan could think about was what his next move 
would be in the unravelling of the string. He even dreamed of the string now, 
and had it memorized, as if it were a chess game he could project. Yet, whenever 
he loosened one segment, deeper and more complex tanglings became apparent. Each 
time, instead of being frustrated, he eagerly delved into the new mystery. 
Dan was startled by a loud explosion. Several characters had just been blown up, 
and the screen was filled with gore.
He found that for some odd reason he had to fight back tears. How could it be 
possible for humans to watch so many deaths, even acted-out deaths, and not be 
moved? As he watched, he thought of the war that was in the news lately, in 
Nepal, as China and India battled it out with the Nepalese Nationalists for 
control of the poor, mountainous country. The face of a dead villager that he'd 
seen on the cover of Time replaced what was happening in the movie. These wars 
would go on and on, and humanity for the most part were as unmoved as those in 
the theater with him, and the victims would slide into the vast unnamed history 
which held all the countless humans who had been killed by other humans.
He found Anita's hand, and it was cold and unmoving. " Dan, she whispered, "Not 
so tight. You're hurting me."
He let go, closed his eyes, and tried to unravel the string from memory. As he 
did, something white-hot began to burn inside him, anger with all the murders, 
all the killing, all the pain. 
He was still angry when they got home and he took the string down. He knew that 
Anita was completely disgusted by the way she stomped upstairs, but he couldn't 
help himself.
Faces filled his vision as he delicately pulled and probed: black and white dead 
people lined up in Prudential's The World At War that his father had watched 
every Sunday night, leaning against the doorjamb thoughtfully with his lit pipe 
in hand; faces from the Vietnam war; the peasant faces from a hundred countries 
around the world, stolid and set, fighting for the right to have a say in their 
own lives against those who made a profit from them being powerless. He 
remembered the beauty of the country from a trek he'd made in his student days, 
and the one healthy village he'd seen among all the poor ones. If only all of 
them could prosper. He carried that image with him into dreams as he put his 
head down, just to rest for a minute, and fell asleep at the table.
The next morning, while eating breakfast, he leafed through the paper to the 
international section. There it was. Three scant inches devoted to the uprising. 
Jessica rushed into the kitchen. "Hey," she said, "Give me that paper!" She 
opened the cupboard and grabbed a bowl, slammed it onto the table. "I forgot, I 
need some current events for this morning." She sloshed milk onto her cereal.
"Sit down," said Dan."
"I can't. I'll miss the bus."
"I'll drive you. Here. What about this revolution in Nepal."
She sidled next to him and glanced at it. "Perfect," she said. "Not too long."
"No," Dan said. "It's definitely not too long." It said nothing about the great 
privation he knew existed, nothing about the squalor, the lack of medicine, 
adequate food. It said nothing about the fact that only 10% of Nepalese men 
could read, and only 2% of the women. It did not say that the average life 
expectancy was thirty-six years.
Jessica read it in the car while he drove her to school.
#

Three days later, Jessica was back at the international page. "Now Miss Cranshaw 
wants a follow-up," she said. "Some of the kids asked her what would happen if 
they couldn't find anything and she said they'd better. Look Dad--this sure is 
lucky."
TREATY GRANTS SOVEREIGNTY TO NEW NEPALESE GOVERNMENT.
"It says that India and China have both recognized a new elected government in 
Nepal," Jessica said. "That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes," said Dan, slowly. "That's very good."
Jessica looked up at him then, and looked at him a long time. "Your voice sounds 
funny," she said. "Do you have a cold?" Dan followed her glance and saw that his 
right hand had clenched into a fist, with the string crushed inside. The 
knuckles were white. "Careful, Dad," she said. "You'll mess up your string."
Dan carefully kept his mind blank that night as he worked the string. There is 
no connection, he thought. No connection.
He turned at a sound, and saw Jessica in her white nightgown standing in the 
kitchen door. Her eyes were dark and intense, he saw that she was fully awake.
"You really stay up late, don't you?" she asked. "Do you think you'll ever 
untangle that string?"
Dan rose and picked her up. She was big, growing so quickly now, and he 
remembered when she had been a baby and hugged her close, quickly. I hope not, 
was his first, reflexive thought.
"I don't see why not," he said.
She was almost asleep again by the time he tucked her back into bed. Then he 
went to bed himself, leaving the string on the table for once. #

Anita came home from work in a bad mood, just as she had for two weeks. "Damn 
it," she said, as she flung her leather diskette holder onto the kitchen table, 
"they've had plenty of time to look over that museum proposal. Mine is the best 
they're going to get."
"I'm sure it is," said Dan. He'd been doing his best to keep her on an even 
keel. For some reason she felt as if her entire career was riding on this one 
proposal, and that if it wasn't accepted there would be an inevitable downhill 
slide into obscurity.
And yet, the thought of her getting this job frightened him. Their marriage 
seemed in shambles, and he felt as if that would be the last straw, her spending 
as much time as she would have to on the museum. 
"Oh, what do you care?" she snapped. "All you ever do is play with that string."
Dan didn't even protest any more. He realized that it looked silly, but it was 
far past an obsession. It was simply a necessity of his life. Sometimes it felt 
as if the string were playing with him as much as he played with the string, 
unravelling and changing portions of his life.
For one thing, Jessica had been much improved over the summer. The new genetic 
inahalant therapy they'd tried had been successful, and though the doctors 
warned them that it was probably just another stopgap, research was coming out 
which showed that it might constitute a very real cure for cystic fibrosis. Dan 
basked in Jessica's ever-growing wellness.
The phone rang, and Anita leaped to answer it. "Yes?" she asked breathless. 
"Yes, this is Anita Brewer." There was a long silence, and finally she said, in 
a dull voice, "I see."
She hung up the phone and said, "I didn't get it."
Anita's pain hit Dan so hard he couldn't breath. "It will be all right, honey," 
he said, and tried to give her a hug. Now maybe she'll pay more attention to me. 
And to Jessica.
"Oh, leave me alone, you idiot," she said. "What do you know?" She left the 
room.
Dan followed her, but she slammed and locked the bedroom door.
He fixed dinner for Jessica. "What's wrong with Mom?" she asked.
"She doesn't feel good," he said. "She didn't get the contract."
"Oh."
Later that night, as he played with the string, images of Anita as a graduate 
student filled his mind. How radiant she had been, immersed in the complexities 
of architecture, realizing for the first time that she could really be 
top-notch. He'd been amazed that someone so talented could care for him, had 
been overwhelmed with gratitude when she'd agreed to marry him. 
It was that feeling of being on the cutting edge which pleased her, which was 
her reason for life, he realized, not him; not even Jessica. 
Still, it pleased him to see her like that, filled with the power her own way of 
thinking brought her, the power which came from others accepting it as valid, 
praising it, giving her awards, peopling her visionary structures as they were 
constructed and used. There was a truth about her which transcended her day to 
day pettiness and that was what Dan loved about her, even though his life with 
her could be miserable if he let her get to him. 
But his image of the happy family battled with that, as if by desire he could 
force their hearts and minds into some fifties sitcom of harmonious life even if 
it went all frayed and off the edges. It hadn't been easy having a terminally 
ill child, but Jessica was better now.
And as he worked, the vision of Anita happy in her profession receded. She had a 
good job at the firm. Why couldn't she be happy with that? It was important that 
Jessica have a good, stable home. Anita didn't have to work so hard, every 
evening, and weekends too. She could afford to let some of that slide.
As he worked that evening, anger slowly subsided into a self-righteous 
stubborness. But earlier than usual, Dan decided that he was too tired to make 
much more headway and put it away. The bedroom door was still locked, so he lay 
down on the couch and threw the afghan over himself.
#

The next evening, Frank came by. His footsteps on the old wood treads of the 
back porch were tired and hesitant. He stood outside the screen door for a few 
moments just staring, not into the room, but just staring.
Dan jumped up from the table. The string had felt dead in his hands tonight, and 
he felt as if he was making no progress at all. No sooner did he pull one strand 
out than another portion knotted even more tightly. He opened the door and 
pulled Frank in. "Sit down," he said. "What's wrong?"
Frank's face worked, but he didn't cry, as Dan feared he would. Instead he said, 
"One of the kids ran out in the road today and got hit by a car."
Anita looked up from across the room. "Oh, no," she breathed. "Yeah, well, it 
was real lucky. Kid just bounced off the car and got a lot of scrapes. Flew 
through the air onto the grass next to the road. But it was my fault."
"It was?" asked Dan.
"Yeah," he said. "I think so. They told me it wasn't, that it was Cassandra's 
job to be watching the kids, and another aide that's been there for years, but 
I'd just turned away to tie somebody's shoe and this silly kid was over the 
fence--kind of a wild boy, everybody says, they've been thinking about telling 
his parents they can't handle him anyway--"
"So it wasn't your fault, Frank," said Dan.
"It doesn't sound like it to me," said Anita. "Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I'm too old for this sort of thing," said Frank. "I saw him go, but you know, I 
just can't move too fast any more."
Jessica ran downstairs. "Frank!" she said, and hugged him. Then she was out the 
door.
"I don't think I'm going back," said Frank. He stood and shrugged.
"You're not leaving already, are you?" asked Dan. "Have a beer."
Frank did, but they couldn't coax many more words out of him, and after an hour 
he left. 
When Anita shut down her computer just afterwards, Dan was startled. "So early?" 
he asked. "What's the use?" she asked. "I've given it my best. I've tried as 
hard as I can try. I know I've done good work. I know the proposal was 
excellent. I don't know what happened, Dan. What's the point? I might as well 
face it. I'm just going to be another obscure, faceless architect working in 
some huge firm, pandering to the vision of some old fart prima donna all my 
life." She laughed wryly. "I thought I'd be that old fart prima donna. Oh, Dan, 
I had so many hopes." 
That night Dan slipped the string into the drawer very early and went to bed. He 
didn't get it out again the next night, or the next.
"Why aren't you doing your string, Dad?" Jessica asked one night.
"Oh, I just got tired of it," he said. 
"Please do it some more," she asked. "I liked it when you did."
"No," he said. "It was just a silly thing."
"It wasn't," she said, and he remembered the look she had given him from the 
kitchen door that night when he'd carried her back to bed. 
She knew. She knew, anyway, what he thought had been happening. They had always 
been so close.
He hugged her now. "It was just a string, honey. That's all. A little game for 
daddy, a puzzle. It was taking up all my time." "Something like that should take 
up all of your time," she said, and he was startled by the gravity and 
conviction in her voice.
#

Two weeks later Dan got a call at work about Jessica, who had been suddenly 
unable to breathe at school. An ambulance had just picked her up.
Dan rushed to the hospital. Anita was already there, in Jessica's room. Jessica 
had an oxygen mask over her face.
"They don't know what happened," she said, crying. "Oh, Dan, I just can't stand 
it. I guess I was hoping that she was really better, even though it just doesn't 
make sense. They kept saying that it was experimental."
Dan held her as she cried, and looked over her shoulders onto Jessica's still 
face.
They decided to take turns staying with her in intensive care. Anita took the 
first night, and after Dan had dropped off some clothes and books for her, he 
went home to a dark, empty house.
He turned on the kitchen light, opened the drawer, and got out the string.
It was just a rough, inert mass of cord. Nothing more. He was an idiot, a crazy 
man, to believe that such things were possible, no matter what the evidence 
seemed to be. He bent over it for an hour or more, but found, to his surprise, 
that he was crying. What had gone wrong? His little girl had been coming alive. 
Now it was all back the way it was before. How many times had they run this 
hospital drill before? How many nights by her bedside while she struggled for 
breath, the innocent victim of their gene sequences? Shit on this string, shit 
on this idiocy, shit on this stupid, imperfect life where little girls died for 
no good reason, where genocide and hate prevailed, where nothing was ever any 
good.
He flung it into the corner of the room and turned out the light. His heart, 
when he climbed the stairs alone, was heavier than it had ever felt in his 
entire life, even when they'd finally had the sweat test done on Jessica and 
found that she had CF. Because it had seemed within his power, during these last 
few months, to actually change things for the better, the contrast was grim and 
complete.
And maybe, he thought on the verge of sleep, it had been within his power, and 
he had, quite miserably failed. Out of selfishness and greed, as if he were in a 
Grimm's fairy tale, because he had wanted his own way, his own vision, to 
prevail, and because there were places of darkness in that vision of which he 
could not ever be aware.
#

Dan woke, and the room was black.
And yet, something had happened.
His body felt light and spacious, and he wondered if he was dreaming. Within his 
interior was not blood and cells, not bones and blood and muscles.
Instead, he was a tangled skein, caught by a tree limb, utterly twisted, never 
to be free. He was himself that odd, unknotted yet inextricably tangled entity, 
one end loose in birth and the other in death, and this strange passage called 
life was an immense and tangled surprise, one which all the thought and effort 
in the world, every effort which time would afford him, could not unravel. There 
were certain givens in this equation, that was all.
And yet he could see, as he lay there in the dark, that this knot, this 
amazement of himself, was composed of points. Point after point after point, 
spilling into infinity, uncountable. Whether a myriad of intersecting planes 
made soft and malleable beneath his questing fingers or a fluid, graceful line, 
each point glowed, glowed so strongly in the dark so he was surprised that the 
string of which he was composed did not light the room. He expected at any 
moment that a nimbus would surround him, or the bed on which he lay. Or it might 
come from the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the thin lace curtains, the heavy 
old furniture his mother had polished for years of his life. Anywhere. 
Everywhere. He was absorbed into the infinite number of points he had become, 
every single one a nexus he knew he would never understand. 
But he discovered that he could move them around. 
And then, it was as if the string was free at every point, that each point had 
an infinitesimal gap between it and the next, and impulse flew from point to 
point like neurons firing, only his entire body was free and loose, releasing 
information, pure intelligence which was not really him, into some dark, 
fathomless void, and he was fully, sharply awake.
He rose from bed and went downstairs. He didn't even have to turn on the light 
to do that; forty years of navigating the house had removed every surprise.
The string, when he flipped on the kitchen light, was still lying forlorn in the 
corner, just a dirty string tied to two knives.
He walked over, picked it up, and sat at the table. And as he worked on it once 
more, the pain drained from him. And every point on the string began to glow.
He knew he wouldn't stop again.
#
It was two weeks before they were sure that the medicine was adjusted correctly 
and they let Jessica go home. She was going to be all right. It was just so new, 
that sometimes they overshot. A lot of fine tuning to be done, the doctors said.
When Anita came home the next day after work, she looked happy and troubled at 
the same time.
"What's up?" he asked.
"It's kind of strange," she said. "I've been offered a fellowship by a committee 
at Harvard. I told them it must be a mistake, that I never applied, and they 
said that they simply considered the people they thought were the best in the 
field and deliberated until they came to a conclusion. Dan, I'm stunned."
"You knew you were good," he said. "That's wonderful. So what's wrong?"
She went into the living room and sat down. "I've been meaning to tell you for 
some time, Dan, but I'm such a coward."
"What is it?" he asked, feeling the chilling inevitability of the moment, when 
he would have to let all his hopes and dreams and plans diverge from what was 
going to happen. 
For Anita.
"I'm just not happy with you," she said. "But it was easier to stay together 
than not. Everything is so--settled, here. And I guess I felt guilty 
about--about wanting to leave you. But now--"
"What about Jessica?" he whispered, because he couldn't make his voice any 
louder. He was filled with fear, he realized, not just because she was leaving 
but because she might take Jessica with her. Anita sat down on the couch. "I've 
thought about it a lot. I've read a lot too, Dan. It's not just me. It's hard on 
everyone who has a child with a disability. You've done all the work of raising 
her because I've been so afraid of getting close and then losing her. She 
doesn't need me like she needs you."
"She does!" he said.
"She doesn't and you know it. She needs to live here, because she has to be 
close to the University. I'm not thinking about anything drastic, really. I just 
want to move to Boston so I can concentrate on this project. I know it's kind of 
abstract to you, but I think I can make a real difference in the field. So many 
new things are happening in architecture. I want to be part of it."
"I know," he said as gently as he could.
She stood and looked at him very directly. "I still want to be a part of 
Jessica's life."
Just not yours. 
He knew now what to say. But he had to say something.
"Don't worry," he said. "We'll work something out. I think this is the best 
thing, for now, anyway." He hoped she couldn't see how his heart ached. But at 
least Jessica would be here. He could manage. 
"Then it's settled," she said.
Is that all? he thought, as supper preparations brought them together, as they 
had for eight years. He realized that, oddly enough, it was.
Frank cheered him that night by dropping by, his step light once more. "They 
kept calling me every day, even the kids got on the phone to tell me that they 
missed me. God, I'm glad to be back there. It's great to be needed."
And every night, Dan bent over the string without even thinking of ever 
unravelling it. One straight piece of string, forever tangled. The pain he felt 
from Anita leaving was still just as strong, but oddly enough, it helped to 
channel it into the string. It seemed to give off a cool, bright energy, when 
the house was quiet, and he didn't have to think about how empty the future 
would seem without her sharp energy, her presence at her CAD every night, even 
her chiding tongue. He had to let her go.
#

They spent the next week dividing things up. Dan helped her pack. She didn't 
take much, but went through all the drawers and cupboards. "I'll need these 
pots," she'd say, and he'd say, "Take them." It was like that with everything. 
On the last evening she was to be there, the scent of the blossoming snowball 
bushes his mother had planted wafted in the window.
Anita and Jessica had both gone to bed. He reached up on the shelf, but felt no 
string. He hoisted himself up on the counter and, kneeling, peered at the empty 
shelf. Nothing.
Heart beating hard, he looked at all the knickknack shelves on both sides of the 
window over the sink. He saw that Anita had taken his mother's little 
horses--well, that was all right. He moved planters and statues that had been 
there since he was a kid--some of them even stuck to the ancient, dusty wood. 
Nothing.
Maybe he'd put it in a drawer instead. Panicking, he pulled open drawer after 
drawer, rummaged through them, and then opened the lower cupboards, completely 
out of his head, and started throwing the pans that were left out onto the 
kitchen floor.
Anita appeared in the doorway, hair tousled from sleep. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? My string is gone, that's what's wrong."
Anita was silent. Dan stared at her.
"You didn't."
"I did. I hate that string, Dan. If you hadn't sat there like a zombie with it 
for the past six months, we might not have ended up like this."
Dan knew that was true, but not for the reasons she thought. He switched on the 
porch light and ran outside.
Luckily, the trash hadn't been collected yet, but the pile was horrendous, full 
of the debris they'd discarded in their massive housecleaning.
It was two in the morning when he finally found it, sodden with grease in a bag 
of rancid garbage.
"Thank God," he whispered.
He reverently took it into the house and filled the sink with soap and a little 
bleach. He let it sit for a few minutes, careful to disturb it as little as 
possible, and then carefully squished water through it and pressed it between a 
towel.
He looked up, and Jessica was standing in the kitchen doorway again.
"You're getting to be quite a nightowl," he said.
"The medicine keeps me awake, I think," she said, watching him with wide eyes. 
"What happened to the string?"
"Oh," he said. "I accidentally threw it out."
She was quiet for a moment. He suspected she knew the truth.
"I'm glad you found it," she said finally. "I think the string is very 
important."
Then she walked across the room and hugged him.
As she stood there, pressed against him, he held her small shoulders with one 
arm, switched off the light with the other hand, and looked out the window at 
the night.
It was clear and cold, and stars shimmered through the bare tree branches which 
laced together in front of the glass. 
He thought that all the space which surrounded them at this moment, stretching 
out galaxy beyond galaxy, was nothing compared to the infinity of light, the 
immense, glowing, and tangled grandeur, within the two of them.

The End

Copyright © 1995 Kathleen Ann Goonan All Rights Reserved.