Don Juan woke me up at the crack of dawn. He handed me a carrying gourd filled with water and a bag of dry meat. We walked in silence for a couple of miles to the place where I had left my car two days before.
"This journey is our last journey together," he said in a quiet voice when we arrived at my car.
I felt a strong jolt in my stomach. I knew what he meant.
He leaned against the back fender as I opened the passenger door and he looked at me with a feeling that had never been there before. We got in the car, but before I started the motor, he made some obscure remarks that I also understood to perfection. He said that we had a few minutes to sit in the car and touch again upon some feelings very personal and poignant.
I sat quietly but my spirit was restless. I wanted to say something to him; something that would have essentially soothed me. I searched in vain for the appropriate words; the formula that would have expressed the thing I 'knew' without being told.
Don Juan talked about a little boy that I once knew; and about how my feelings for him would not change with the years or the distance.
Don Juan said that he was certain that every time I thought of that little boy, my spirit jumped joyfully; and that without a trace of selfishness or pettiness, I wished him the best.
He had reminded me of a story that I had once told him about the little boy; a story which he had liked and had found to have a profound meaning. During one of our hikes in the mountains around Los Angeles, the little boy had gotten tired of walking so I had let him ride on my shoulders. A wave of intense happiness engulfed us then and the little boy shouted his thanks to the sun and to the mountains.
"That was his way of saying good-by to you," don Juan said.
I felt the sting of anguish in my throat.
"There are many ways of saying farewell," he said. "The best way is perhaps by holding a particular memory of joyfulness. For instance, if you live like a warrior, the warmth you felt when the little boy rode on your shoulders will be fresh and cutting for as long as you live. That is a warrior's way of saying farewell."
I hurriedly turned on the motor and drove faster than usual on the hard-packed rocky ground until we got onto the unpaved road.
We drove a short distance and then we walked the rest of the way. After about an hour we came to a grove of trees. Don Genaro, Pablito, and Nestor were there waiting for us. I greeted them. All of them appeared to be so happy and vigorous. As I looked at them and at don Juan, I was overcome by a feeling of profound empathy for all of them.
Don Genaro embraced me and patted me affectionately on the back. He told Nestor and Pablito that I had had a fine performance leaping into the bottom of a ravine. With his hand still on my shoulder he addressed them in a loud voice.
"Yes sir," he said, looking at them. "I'm his benefactor and I know that that was quite an achievement. That was the crown of years of living like a warrior."
He turned to me and placed his other hand on my shoulder. His eyes were shiny and peaceful.
"There's nothing I can say to you, Carlitos," he said, voicing his words slowly. "Except that you had an extraordinary amount of excrement in your bowels."
With that he and don Juan howled with laughter until they seemed about to pass out. Pablito and Nestor giggled nervously, not knowing exactly what to do.
When don Juan and don Genaro had quieted down, Pablito said to me that he was unsure of his capability of going into the 'unknown' by himself.
"I really don't have the faintest idea of how to do it," he said. "Genaro says that one needs nothing except impeccability. What do you think?"
I told him that I knew even less than he did. Nestor sighed and seemed truly concerned. He moved his hands and his mouth nervously as if he were on the verge of saying something important and did not know how.
"Genaro says that you two will make it," he finally said.
Don Genaro signaled with his hand that we were leaving. He and don Juan walked together, a few yards ahead of us. We followed the same mountain trail nearly all day. We walked in complete silence and never stopped. All of us had a provision of dry meat and a gourd of water, and it was understood that we would eat as we walked. At a certain point the trail definitely became a road. It curved around the side of a mountain and suddenly the view of a valley opened up in front of us.
It was a breath-taking sight; a long green valley glimmering in sunlight. There were two magnificent rainbows over it and patches of rain all over the surrounding hills.
Don Juan stopped walking and jutted his chin to point out something down in the valley to don Genaro. Don Genaro shook his head. It was not an affirmative or negative gesture; it was more like a jerk of his head. They both stood motionless peering into the valley for a long time.
We left the road there and took what seemed to be a short cut. We began to descend via a more narrow and hazardous path that led to the northern part of the valley.
When we reached the flatland, it was midafternoon. The strong scent of river willows and moist dirt enveloped me. For a moment the rain was like a soft green rumble on the nearby trees to my left: then it was only a quivering in the reeds. I heard the rustling of a stream. I stopped for a moment to listen. I looked at the top of the trees. The high cirrus clouds on the western horizon looked like puffs of cotton scattered in the sky. I stood there watching the clouds long enough for everyone else to get quite a bit ahead of me. I ran after them.
Don Juan and don Genaro stopped and turned around in unison. Their eyes moved and focused on me with such uniformity and precision that they seemed to be one single person. It was a brief stupendous glance that sent chills through my back. Then don Genaro laughed and said that I ran thumping, like a three hundred pound flat-footed Mexican.
"Why a Mexican?" don Juan asked.
"A flat-footed three hundred pound Indian doesn't run," don Genaro said in an explanatory tone.
"Oh," don Juan said as if don Genaro had really explained something.
We crossed the narrow lush green valley and climbed into the mountains to the east. By late afternoon we finally came to a halt on top of a flat barren mesa that overlooked a high valley towards the south. The vegetation had changed drastically. There were round eroded mountains all around. The land in the valley and on the sides of the hills was parceled and cultivated and yet the entire scene gave me the feeling of barrenness.
The sun was already low on the southwest horizon. Don Juan and don Genaro called us to the northern edge of the mesa. From that point the view was sublime. [* sublime- awe inspiring] There were endless valleys and mountains towards the north and a range of high sierras towards the west. The sunlight reflecting on the distant northern mountains made them look orange, like the color of the banks of clouds over the west. The scenery, in spite of its beauty, was sad and lonely.
Don Juan handed me my writing pad, but I did not feel like taking notes. We sat in a half circle with don Juan and don Genaro at the ends.
"You started on the path of knowledge writing, and you will finish the same way," don Juan said.
All of them urged me to write, as if my writing were essential.
"You're at the very edge, Carlitos," don Genaro said suddenly. "You and Pablito both."
His voice was soft. Without his joking tone, he sounded kind and worried.
"Other warriors journeying into the unknown have stood on this very spot," he went on. "They all wish you two very well."
I felt a ripple around me as if the air had been half solid and something had created a wave that rippled through it.
"All of us here wish you two well," he said.
Nestor embraced Pablito and me and then he sat apart from us.
"We still have some time," don Genaro said, looking at the sky. And then turning to Nestor, he asked, "What should we do in the meantime?"
"We should laugh and enjoy ourselves," Nestor answered briskly.
I told don Juan that I was afraid of what was waiting for me, and that I had most certainly been tricked into all that; I who had not even imagined that situations like the one Pablito and I were living existed. I said that something truly awesome had taken possession of me and little by little had pushed me until I was facing something perhaps worse than death.
"You're complaining," don Juan said dryly. "You're feeling sorry for yourself to the last minute."
They all laughed. He was right. What an invincible urge! And I thought I had vanquished it from my life. I begged all of them to forgive my idiocy.
"Don't apologize," don Juan said to me. "Apologies are nonsense. What really matters is being an impeccable warrior in this unique place of power. This place has harbored the finest warriors. Be as fine as they were."
Then he addressed both Pablito and me.
"You already know that this is the last task in which we will be together," he said. "You will enter into the nagual and the tonal by the force of your personal power alone. Genaro and I are here only to bid you farewell. Power has determined that Nestor should be a witness. So be it.
"This will also be the last crossroad of yours which Genaro and I will attend. Once you have entered the unknown by yourselves you cannot depend on us to bring you back, so a decision is mandatory. You must decide whether or not to return. We are confident that you two have the strength to return if you choose to do so. The other night you were perfectly capable, in unison or separately, to throw off the ally that otherwise would have crushed you to death. That was a test of your strength.
"I must also add that few warriors survive the encounter with the unknown that you are about to have; not so much because it is hard, but because the nagual is enticing beyond any statement, and warriors who are journeying into it find that to return to the tonal, or to the world of order and noise and pain, is a most unappealing affair.
"The decision to stay or to return is done by something in us which is neither our reason nor our desire, but our will. So there is no way of knowing the outcome of it beforehand.
"If you choose not to return, you will disappear as if the earth had swallowed you. But if you choose to return to this earth, you must wait like true warriors until your particular tasks are finished. Once they are finished, either in success or defeat, you will have the command over the totality of yourselves."
Don Juan paused for a moment. Don Genaro looked at me and winked.
"Carlitos wants to know what it means to have command over the totality of oneself," he said, and everybody laughed.
He was right. Under other circumstances I would have asked about it. The situation, however, was too solemn for questions.
"It means that the warrior has finally encountered power," don Juan said. "No one can tell what each warrior would do with it. Perhaps you two will roam peacefully and unnoticed on the face of the earth, or perhaps you will turn out to be hateful men, or perhaps notorious, or kind. All that depends on the impeccability and the freedom of your spirit.
"The important thing, however, is your task. That is the bestowal made by a teacher and a benefactor to their apprentices. I pray that you two will succeed in bringing your tasks to a culmination." [* culmination- a final climactic stage]
"Waiting to fulfill that task is a very special waiting," don Genaro said all of a sudden. "And I'm going to tell you the story of a band of warriors who lived in another time on the mountains somewhere in that direction."
He casually pointed to the east, but then, after a moment's hesitation, he seemed to change his mind and stood up and pointed to the distant northern mountains.
"No. They lived in that direction," he said, looking at me and smiling with an air of erudition. [* erudition- profound scholarly knowledge] "Exactly one hundred and thirty-five kilometers from here."
Don Genaro was perhaps imitating me. His mouth and forehead were contracted, his hands were tightly clasped against his chest holding some imaginary object that he may have intended to be a notebook. He maintained a most ridiculous posture. I had once met a German scholar, a Sinologist, [* Sinologist- a student of Chinese history, language and culture] who looked exactly like that. The thought that all along I might have been unconsciously imitating the grimaces of a German Sinologist was utterly funny to me. I laughed by myself. It seemed to be a joke just for me.
Don Genaro sat down again and proceeded with his story.
"Whenever a member of that band of warriors was thought to have committed an act which was against their rules, his fate was put to the decision of all of them. The culprit had to explain his reasons for having done what he did. His comrades had to listen to him; and then they either disbanded because they had found his reasons convincing, or they lined up with their weapons at the very edge of a flat mountain very much like this mountain where we are sitting now, ready to carry out his death sentence because they had found his reasons to be unacceptable. In that case the condemned warrior had to say good-by to his old comrades, and his execution began."
Don Genaro looked at me and Pablito as if waiting for a sign from us. Then he turned to Nestor.
"Perhaps the witness here could tell us what the story has to do with these two," he said to Nestor.
Nestor smiled shyly and seemed to immerse himself deep in thought for a moment.
"The witness has no idea," he said and broke up into a nervous giggle.
Don Genaro asked everyone to stand up and go with him to look over the west edge of the mesa.
There was a mild slope down to the bottom of the land formation, then there was a narrow flat strip of land ending in a crevice that seemed to be a natural channel for the runoff of rain water.
"Right where that ditch is, there was a row of trees on the mountain in the story," he said. "Beyond that point there was a thick forest.
"After saying good-by to his comrades, the condemned warrior was supposed to begin walking down the slope towards the trees. His comrades then cocked their weapons and aimed at him. If no one shot, or if the warrior survived his wounds and reached the edge of the trees, he was free."
We went back to the place where we had been sitting.
"How about now, witness?" he asked Nestor. "Can you tell?"
Nestor was the epitome [* epitome- a typical example] of nervousness. He took off his hat and scratched his head. He then hid his face in his hands.
"How can the poor witness know?" he finally retorted in a challenging tone and laughed with everybody else.
"They say that there were men who pulled through unharmed," don Genaro continued. "Let's say that their personal power affected their comrades. A wave went through them as they were aiming at him and no one dared to use his weapon. Or perhaps they were in awe of his bravery and could not harm him."
Don Genaro looked at me and then at Pablito.
"There was a condition set up for that walk to the edge of the trees," he went on. "The warrior had to walk calmly; unaffected. His steps had to be sure and firm; his eyes looking straight ahead peacefully. He had to go down without stumbling, without turning to look back, and above all without running."
Don Genaro paused; Pablito assented to his words by nodding.
"If you two decide to return to this earth," he said, "you will have to wait like true warriors until your tasks are fulfilled. That waiting is very much like the walk of the warrior in the story. You see, the warrior had run out of human time and so have you. The only difference is in who is aiming at you. Those who were aiming at the warrior were his warrior comrades.
"But what's aiming at you two is the unknown. Your only chance is your impeccability. You must wait without looking back. You must wait without expecting rewards. And you must aim all of your personal power at fulfilling your tasks.
"If you don't act impeccably, if you begin to fret and get impatient and desperate, you'll be cut down mercilessly by the sharpshooters from the unknown.
"If, on the other hand, your impeccability and personal power are such that you are capable of fulfilling your tasks, you will then achieve the promise of power. And what's that promise? you may ask. It is a promise that power makes to men as luminous beings. Each warrior has a different fate, so there is no way of telling what that promise will be for either of you."
The sun was about to set. The light orange color on the distant northern mountains had become darker. The scenery gave me the feeling of a windswept lonely world.
"You have learned that the backbone of a warrior is to be humble and efficient," don Genaro said and his voice made me jump. "You have learned to act without expecting anything in return. Now I tell you that in order to withstand what lies ahead of you beyond this day, you'll need your ultimate forbearance." [* forbearance- a delay in exercising a rightful priveledge]
I experienced a shock in my stomach. Pablito began to shiver quietly.
"A warrior must be always ready," he said. "The fate of all of us here has been to know that we are the prisoners of power. No one knows why us in particular, but what a great fortune!"
Don Genaro stopped talking and lowered his head as if he were exhausted. That had been the first time that I had heard him speak in such terms.
"It is mandatory here that a warrior says good-by to all those present and to all those he leaves behind," don Juan said suddenly. "He must do this in his own words and loudly, so his voice will remain here forever in this place of power."
Don Juan's voice brought forth another dimension to my state of being at that moment. Our conversation in the car became all the more poignant. How right he was when he had said that the serenity of the scenery around us was only a mirage and that the sorcerers' explanation delivered a blow that no one could parry.
I had heard the sorcerers' explanation and I had experienced its premises. Yet there I was more naked and more helpless than ever in my entire life. Nothing that I had ever done, and nothing that I had ever imagined could even compare to the anguish and the loneliness of that moment.
The sorcerers' explanation had stripped me even of my 'reason'. Don Juan was right again when he said that a warrior could not avoid pain and grief but only the indulging in them. At that moment my sadness was uncontainable. I could not stand to say good-by to those who had shared with me the turns of my fate. I told don Juan and don Genaro that I had made a pact with someone to die together and that my spirit could not bear to leave alone.
"We are all alone, Carlitos," don Genaro said softly. "That's our condition."
I felt in my throat the anguish of my passion for life and for those close to me, I refused to say good-by to them.
"We are alone," don Juan said. "But to die alone is not to die in loneliness."
His voice sounded muffled and dry, like coughing.
Pablito wept quietly. Then he stood up and spoke. It was not a harangue [* harangue- a loud bombastic declamation expressed with strong emotion] or a testimonial. In a clear voice he thanked don Genaro and don Juan for their kindness. He turned to Nestor and thanked him for having given him the opportunity to take care of him. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
"What a wonderful thing it was to be in this beautiful world! In this marvelous time!" he exclaimed and sighed.
His mood was overwhelming.
"If I don't return I beg you as an ultimate favor to help those who have shared my fate," he said to don Genaro.
He then turned towards the west in the direction of his home. His lean body convulsed with tears. He ran towards the edge of the mesa with outstretched arms as if he were running to embrace someone. His lips moved, he seemed to be talking in a low voice.
I turned my head away. I did not want to hear what Pablito was saying.
He came back to where we were sitting, slumped down next to me, and lowered his head.
I was incapable of saying a thing. But then an outside force seemed to take over and made me stand up, and I too spoke my thanks and my sadness.
We were quiet again. A north wind hissed softly, blowing in my face. Don Juan looked at me. I had never seen so much kindness in his eyes. He said to me that a warrior said farewell by thanking all those who had had a gesture of kindness or concern for him, and that I had to voice my gratitude not only to them but also to those who had taken care of me and had helped me on my way.
I faced the northwest, towards Los Angeles, and all the sentimentality of my spirit poured out. What a purifying release it was to voice my thanks!
I sat down again. No one looked at me.
"A warrior acknowledges his pain but he doesn't indulge in it," don Juan said. "Thus the mood of a warrior who enters into the unknown is not one of sadness. On the contrary, he's joyful because he feels humbled by his great fortune, confident that his spirit is impeccable, and above all, fully aware of his efficiency. A warrior's joyfulness comes from having accepted his fate, and from having truthfully assessed what lies ahead of him."
There was a long pause. My sadness was paramount. [* paramount- having superior power and influence] I wanted to do something to get out of such oppressiveness.
"Witness, please squeeze your spirit catcher," don Genaro said to Nestor.
I heard the loud, most ludicrous sound of Nestor's contraption.
Pablito nearly got hysterical laughing, and so did don Juan and don Genaro. I noticed a peculiar smell and realized then that Nestor had farted. What was horrendously funny was the expression of ultimate seriousness on his face. He had farted not as a joke but because he did not have his spirit catcher with him. He was being helpful in the best way he could.
All of them laughed with abandon. What facility they had for shifting from sublime situations to utterly ludicrous ones.
Pablito turned to me suddenly. He wanted to know if I was a poet, but before I could answer his question don Genaro made a rhyme.
"Carlitos is really cool; he's got a bit of a poet, a nut and a fool," he said.
They all had another outburst of laughter.
"That's a better mood," don Juan said. "And now, before Genaro and I say good-by to you, you two may say anything you please. It might be the last time you utter a word, ever."
Pablito shook his head negatively, but I had something to say. I wanted to express my admiration, my awe for the exquisite temper of don Juan and don Genaro's warrior spirit. But I became entangled in my words and ended up saying nothing; or even worse yet, I ended up sounding as if I were complaining again.
Don Juan shook his head and smacked his lips in mock disapproval. I laughed involuntarily. It did not matter, however, that I had flubbed my chance to tell them of my admiration. A very intriguing sensation began to take possession of me. I had a sense of exhilaration and joy; an exquisite freedom that made me laugh. I told don Juan and don Genaro that I did not give a fig about the outcome of my encounter with the 'unknown', that I was happy and complete, and that whether I lived or died was of no importance to me at that moment.
Don Juan and don Genaro seemed to enjoy my assertions even more than I did. Don Juan slapped his thigh and laughed. Don Genaro threw his hat on the floor and yelled as if he were riding a wild horse.
"We have enjoyed ourselves and laughed while waiting, just as the witness recommended," don Genaro said all of a sudden. "But it is the natural condition of order that it should always come to an end."
He looked at the sky.
"It's almost time for us to disband like the warriors in the story," he said. "But before we go our separate ways I must tell you two one last thing. I am going to disclose to you a warrior's secret. Perhaps you can call it a warrior's predilection."
He addressed me in particular and said that once I had told him that the life of a warrior was cold and lonely and devoid of feelings. He even added that at that precise moment I was convinced that it was so.
"The life of a warrior cannot possibly be cold and lonely and without feelings," he said, "because it is based on his affection, his devotion, his dedication to his beloved. And who, you may ask, is his beloved? I will show you now."
Don Genaro stood up and walked slowly to a perfectly flat area right in front of us, ten or twelve feet away. He made a strange gesture there. He moved his hands as if he were sweeping dust from his chest and his stomach. Then an odd thing happened. A flash of an almost imperceptible light went through him. It came from the ground and seemed to kindle his entire body. He did a sort of backward pirouette, a backward dive more properly speaking, and landed on his chest and arms. His movement had been executed with such precision and skill that he seemed to be a weightless being, a wormlike creature that had turned on itself. When he was on the ground he performed a series of unearthly movements. He glided just a few inches above the ground, or rolled on it as if he were lying on ball bearings; or he swam on it describing circles and turning with the swiftness and agility of an eel swimming in the ocean.
My eyes began to cross at one moment and then without any transition I was watching a ball of luminosity sliding back and forth on something that appeared to be the floor of an ice-skating rink with a thousand lights shining on it.
The sight was sublime. Then the ball of fire came to rest and stayed motionless. A voice shook me and dispelled my attention. It was don Juan talking. I could not understand at first what he was saying. I looked again at the ball of fire. I could distinguish only don Genaro lying on the ground with his arms and legs spread out.
Don Juan's voice was very clear. It seemed to trigger something in me and I began to write.
"Genaro's love is the world," he said. "He was just now embracing this enormous earth but since he's so little all he can do is swim in it. But the earth knows that Genaro loves it and it bestows on him its care. That's why Genaro's life is filled to the brim and his state, wherever he'll be, will be plentiful. Genaro roams on the paths of his love and, wherever he is, he is complete."
Don Juan squatted in front of us. He caressed the ground gently.
"This is the predilection of two warriors," he said. "This earth, this world. For a warrior there can be no greater love."
Don Genaro stood up and squatted next to don Juan for a moment while both of them peered fixedly at us, then they sat in unison, cross-legged.
"Only if one loves this earth with unbending passion can one release one's sadness," don Juan said. "A warrior is always joyful because his love is unalterable and his beloved, the earth, embraces him and bestows upon him inconceivable gifts. The sadness belongs only to those who hate the very thing that gives shelter to their beings."
Don Juan again caressed the ground with tenderness.
"This lovely being, which is alive to its last recesses and understands every feeling, soothed me, it cured me of my pains, and finally when I had fully understood my love for it, it taught me freedom."
He paused. The silence around us was frightening. The wind hissed softly and then I heard the distant barking of a lone dog.
"Listen to that barking," don Juan went on. "That is the way my beloved earth is helping me now to bring this last point to you. That barking is the saddest thing one can hear."
We were quiet for a moment. The barking of that lone dog was so sad and the stillness around us so intense that I experienced a numbing anguish. It made me think of my own life, my sadness, my not knowing where to go, what to do.
"That dog's barking is the nocturnal [* nocturnal- belonging to or active during the night] voice of a man," don Juan said. "It comes from a house in that valley towards the south. A man is shouting through his dog- since they are companion slaves for life- his sadness; his boredom. He's begging his death to come and release him from the dull and dreary chains of his life."
Don Juan's words had caught a most disturbing line in me. I felt he was speaking directly to me.
"That barking, and the loneliness it creates, speaks of the feelings of men," he went on. "Men for whom an entire life was like one Sunday afternoon; an afternoon which was not altogether miserable, but rather hot and dull and uncomfortable. They sweated and fussed a great deal. They didn't know where to go, or what to do. That afternoon left them only with the memory of petty annoyances and tedium, and then suddenly it was over. It was already night."
He recounted a story I had once told him about a seventy-two year old man who complained that his life had been so short that it seemed to him that it was only the day before that he was a boy. The man had said to me, 'I remember the pajamas I used to wear when I was ten years old. It seems that only one day has passed. Where did the time go?'
"The antidote that kills that poison is here," don Juan said, caressing the ground. "The sorcerers' explanation cannot at all liberate the spirit. Look at you two. You have gotten to the sorcerers' explanation, but it doesn't make any difference that you know it. You're more alone than ever, because without an unwavering love for the being that gives you shelter, aloneness is loneliness.
"Only the love for this splendorous being can give freedom to a warrior's spirit; and freedom is joy, efficiency, and abandon in the face of any odds. That is the last lesson. It is always left for the very last moment, for the moment of ultimate solitude when a man faces his death and his aloneness. Only then does it make sense."
Don Juan and don Genaro stood up and stretched their arms and arched their backs, as if sitting had made their bodies stiff. My heart began to pound fast. They made Pablito and me stand up.
"The twilight is the crack between the worlds," don Juan said. "It is the door to the unknown."
He pointed with a sweeping movement of his hand to the mesa where we were standing.
"This is the plateau in front of that door."
He pointed then to the northern edge of the mesa.
"There is the door. Beyond, there is an abyss and beyond that abyss is the unknown."
Don Juan and don Genaro then turned to Pablito and said good-by to him. Pablito's eyes were dilated and fixed; tears were rolling down his cheeks.
I heard don Genaro's voice saying good-by to me, but I did not hear don Juan's.
Don Juan and don Genaro moved towards Pablito and whispered briefly in his ears. Then they came to me. But before they had whispered anything I already had that peculiar feeling of being split.
"We will now be like dust on the road," don Genaro said. "Perhaps it will get in your eyes again, someday."
Don Juan and don Genaro stepped back and seemed to merge with the darkness. Pablito held my forearm and we said good-by to each other. Then a strange urge, a force, made me run with him to the northern edge of the mesa. I felt his arm holding me as we jumped and then I was alone.
### "Tales of Power" - by Carlos Castaneda - The End ###